Would this level of caring for a parent be too much?

[Overwhelmedandneedadvice]

If what is described below was your personal situation, would you be happy with this level of care for a parent (currently early 70s) until they die?

Current situation:
-Parent is 73 and has a degenerative illness that will affect them till they die
-You’re a single parent to two small children and expected to care for said parent every day (you live 5 mins away) as well as run your own household
-they won’t accept help from outside carers, only you and your sibling
-they need help with dressing and putting on shoes and socks
-help with toileting including wiping them after a poo and emptying their commode
-household chores
-cooking/food prep
-taking to weekly appointments
-getting ready for bed
-cannot go out alone so have to accompany them if they want to go anywhere

I’m sure there are other things I’ve forgotten but that’s the general gist.

If this was your life for the foreseeable future, would you feel happy to do these things and plan your life around them? If you make plans, you’re asked what time you will be round to help them.

Things like holidays have to be arranged
In far in advance to the other sibling can be there.

YABU: I would be happy to do these things daily for my parent
YANBU: I would find this too much - if this is your answer, how would you distance yourself? When I’ve said i feel like this is too much, I get lots of crying and guilt tripping making it impossible to back away, even a bit.

And to add I have a form of PTSD.

It is incredible that your mother is citing how she cared for you as a child in the same conversation in which she is trying to get you to neglect your own children for her benefit.

Illness and suffering unfortunately makes people selfish - tbh they don’t get much option. I feel for her. But I don’t think feeling empathy for her situation means that you have to do everything. There are sometimes things where it really matters that a family member participates - unfortunately I would say that going to at least some medical appointments probably falls into that category (ironically that’s often the one time where the person refuses to have anyone else involved). If you feel the same, then splitting that responsibility between you and your brother could work. (Incidentally, is HE screwing his financial future by going part time as well? Be very careful before you do that). The other thing that only family members can really do is to have those chats and conversations and reminiscing that you need a long history together to do. And at least some of that can be done on the phone.

No. Not if you’ve got your own young children. I’d do what I could but would make it very clear to my parents that they had to accept outside care.

Great you started the chat
Now to resist all the forms of emotional manipulation
Start taking your stuff back to your house
Tell her you will pop over at lunchtime and that's it
You have a household to run just like she did. Did she do this for her parents?

And tell your brother he needs to get a grip

Time to go back to work instead of being part time
You are going g to burn yourself out, she will expect more and more of you and your brother will do fuck all. You will have a breakdown, she will die and not leave you anything as you "broke her heart" by not being a slave any more and you will ne left with resentment.. brother will be smug... seen it happen all too often... your life is in your hands xx

No she didn’t care for either of her parents!

My brother is self employed so sets his own hours (but does have to work away for a week or so at a time which adds to the stress of things).

You need to stop "asking" for days off and start telling her what you'll do and what you won't, and stick to it. You can decide what you do, you can't decide whether your mum and your brother like it. Control what you can and learn to let any complaints wash over you. It gets easier with practice.

but when your DB is home, does he drop everything to go and help DM to the toilet, wipe her bottom, cook a meal, clean the bins, change the bed? or is it just you that is expected to do the chores while DB sits with her for an hour and makes a cup of tea?

As another PP said how dare she say that she 'cared for you as a child' and then expects you to neglect your own children to help her. Plus she never did it for her own parents!!! Princess indeed...

It's good you've started the conversation. Have conviction in your actions now, don't back down and start reclaiming some of your life back and enjoy your DC before they're starting school!

That's 100% of the problem.

My parents were clear that they had me for me to have a life of my own and I've carried that belief on. I would do anything in my power to avoid asking for anything from my children, especially one with as much going on as you.

So I dont think the question is whether its too much or "fair" but why they dint want to inconvenience anyone else to save you, their precious child, from running yourself into the ground. I get personal care is a bit private and uncomfortable but they aren't just asking for help on a few particular sticking points, rather they are expecting your life to revolve around them. That's not on imo.

I regularly tell my father in law that it’s like when you go on an aeroplane. You have to put your own oxygen mask on first before helping others.

I’m currently the horrible daughter and she’s said she’ll just have to accept that I clearly don’t love her like she thought I did. 🧐

Absolutely not. I honestly could not wipe another adult’s bottom if either of our lives depended on it.

I will do anything I can to ensure that my mum never has to go into a home, but wiping her bottom will not be one of those things. I’m very sure she really wouldn’t want me to either!

Why is love dependent on service?

She sounds awful 😢

is she paying you to do any of this?

Good for you if you want to do it , i chose to have my 3 children but not once has it crossed my mind that if i'm ever in this position would i expect them to -
put themselves in financial difficulty by cutting their hours,
give up their free time ,social life, mental and physical wellbeing,
spend what little time they have with me and not their own children /family,
and worse of all wipe my backside.
The op is clearly coming to the end of their tether and your comments are very unhelpful , i think most people will think the same.

This is emotional blackmail. Ignore her.

She'll just have to accept you will do what you can.

Yeah, she will! Ignore the guilt tripping op - make a point of doing something nice with your DC. She's sulking because her servant isnt operating as she's programmed to.

I’m tempted to suggest that you say ‘alright mum, if I don’t love you, you won’t want me around, will you?’

Honestly, she sounds off the scale manipulative and OTT. This is your moment, @Overwhelmedandneedadvice , do NOT cave in! Work out what you feel you can realistically do and tell her and DB. Practice saying ‘I cannot do more or I will collapse’ and repeat, repeat, repeat.

I had many years of being a parent’s emotional support person - starting in early childhood, continuing through very serious chronic illness, about 40 years in all. It was in my DNA, as I expect it is in yours. Changing the relationship feels absolutely terrible, but it can be done, truly. It won’t feel like it, but you hold the power here. That’s why she’s kicking off.

No!

Make an appointment with your GP to talk about you and your health.

Contact your local carers centre and ask to speak to an advice / support worker.

If there's a charity for her particular condition, phone them and ask to speak to an advice / support worker.

Phone Adult Social Care and ask for a carer's assessment.

Do it in this order.

Your mother is making you ill.

Turn it around at least in your mind

She is a horrible mother who doesn't love you or your children as much as you hoped she might

She will get over it and in her heart of hearts she must know the truth op. Don't be defeated x

Bollocks to that shit. You are going above and beyond just repeat that no you can't, no you won't sorry you feel that way.

It's just emotional blackmail. She is being unkind and unfair. You have done loads of care for her at the expense of your own career and your children's wellbeing. Your responsibility is for your children first and foremost. Stay strong and ignore her guilt-tripping remarks.

Oh, that hits a nerve, our mothers were separated at birth!
The manipulation knows no bounds.
Set your boundaries.
Prioritise your dc and yourself.
Cut the rope. Do what is acceptable to you, ensuring it isn’t detrimental to yourself and dc.
You will be pushed back by DB and your mum. Let them push. Ignore. Currently you’re enabling her manipulation. Not a criticism, I get it, I enabled my mother. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Please, don’t be me. I’ve said that repeatedly on your thread lovely, but I wish someone said to me what I’m saying to you. Huge hugs x

Oh btw you don’t have to be on the edge of physical or mental collapse before you involve other people in caring for an elderly relative. It takes a village etc. It’s ok to decide that you’re doing ok and you’d like to stay that way!

Practice bursting out laughing when she comes out with this ridiculous stuff ‘oh don’t mind me, I’ll just die unloved in the corner’ when you have the temerity to have a life.

I cared for my late parent for over 10 years, six as a live in. I did everything including personal care.

Things you should have in place: Powers of Attorney for Health and Wellbeing and Finances; Respect form/DNA; Attendance Allowance; if you meet the criteria Carer's Allowance or Carer's Credit; Care Needs Assessment and Care Plan, including an Emergency Care Plan; Carer's Assessment; OT assessment for equipment; entry onto priority services register.

Is your parent self funding? If not, you also need a Local Authority Financial Assessment through Adult Social Services.

Once the assessments are in place, you will be able to work out who does what as you can show it is not just five minutes here and there. The biggest cost of caring is not time or money, it is the mental load. This is often not understood or overlooked.