Would this level of caring for a parent be too much?

[Overwhelmedandneedadvice]

If what is described below was your personal situation, would you be happy with this level of care for a parent (currently early 70s) until they die?

Current situation:
-Parent is 73 and has a degenerative illness that will affect them till they die
-You’re a single parent to two small children and expected to care for said parent every day (you live 5 mins away) as well as run your own household
-they won’t accept help from outside carers, only you and your sibling
-they need help with dressing and putting on shoes and socks
-help with toileting including wiping them after a poo and emptying their commode
-household chores
-cooking/food prep
-taking to weekly appointments
-getting ready for bed
-cannot go out alone so have to accompany them if they want to go anywhere

I’m sure there are other things I’ve forgotten but that’s the general gist.

If this was your life for the foreseeable future, would you feel happy to do these things and plan your life around them? If you make plans, you’re asked what time you will be round to help them.

Things like holidays have to be arranged
In far in advance to the other sibling can be there.

YABU: I would be happy to do these things daily for my parent
YANBU: I would find this too much - if this is your answer, how would you distance yourself? When I’ve said i feel like this is too much, I get lots of crying and guilt tripping making it impossible to back away, even a bit.

You have stop letting her manipulate you. Removing yourself as an option is the only way.

Your parent did the same for you, raised you and took care of you for decades until you were comfortably independent, why not help your parent now in need. If you love your parents you will be happy to help no matter how hard it is, it is just the right thing to do to help them in their old age.
Carers are strangers and unfortunately the news is full of stories of how they abuse the elderly - I would not trust them take care of my parent.

Your mum is talking bullshit. No, carers can't change dressings, but district nurses can. Yes, they. An wipe her bum. And bathe her. And help with household tasks. Everyone saying she did it for you, well yes. She chose to have kids. Unfortunately, I've been in a similar position and it only gets more demanding. Your children deserve better and your mum will only get more selfish and manipulative. FIND ALL THE HELP YOU CAN GET. Ring adult social services and tell them she needs an urgent assessment as you can no longer do it. Ask a cleaner to come in and do a one off clean, and get all your stuff out of there and back to your own house. Much love, you must feel like you are drowning right now.

The situation you are describing is not viable in the long term. Not wanting to accept outside help is very common, and carers are very used to dealing with this. Make changes gradually. Carers first, then a cleaner. Involve her GP and social services to get any help you can. I cared for my parents with outside help. The difference was they were mid 80's when they needed support, not 73 so your road ahead is longer, and will only get worse. Nip it in the bud now. You will feel upset and guilty but you can only do so much and you now need outside support.

Crazy frog is correct!
Carers will wipe bottoms....and lots of other things
What they can't do is anything medical, even down to applying plasters

Far too high an expectation to be placed upon you, especially given your personal circumstances. She needs to accept professional help whether she likes it or not. I understand why she wouldn’t want it, I really do but if I had a choice between that and making my DC’s life difficult and miserable I know which I’d go for.

I'm sorry but you should not be responsible for intimate personal care for a parent. That should be a qualified carer. I've already discussed this with my mum who is 80... absolutely not wiping your arse.. happy to do anything else but not that (we have a very good relationship and she is still very much with it )

But they choose that, they decided to be a parent...a child does not get that choice. Not the same .

I've just been through this with DF, his care became a full time job for me because I live locally and have flexibility of time. He just passed a few weeks ago but it was around 2 years from he had any independence. He had carers but his timings didn't really fit with theirs, they came at 10am, he got up at 8 etc. His memory issues worsened and had increased mobility issues but still felt he could do what he wanted which led to falls/hospitalisations. He became incontinent and needed regular changing in the day even with pads. He ended up needing constant supervision. We had thought about nursing homes but he really didn't want to go into one and then our options were terrible and very expensive. We were concerned he could go on for years like that and he was older than your mum. For 2 years I couldn't look at a holiday, I felt I was letting my own DH and children down, my life was totally consumed with DF's needs. This past year he was hospitalized every few weeks with one issue or another so it was the daily running up and down to the hospital an hour away.

Now he's gone, I miss him so much and I'm really glad in a way I was able to support him. BUT I can say that in retrospect as it was only 2 years. I was exhausted, stretched beyond my tolerance and I became resentful of my siblings who live further away. It was really difficult. That was with carers (who can totally do personal care) and a cleaner.

Tell your mum she needs a care needs assessment, contact a social worker and set that off. Be firm. Your mum is so young, this could be your life for years if you accept her demands. I'm not one to talk as I sacrificed my own life but it is affecting you badly and your mum surely must see that.

Mum, is that you?! 😱😉 she’s said the same in the past.

I am not surprised you feel overwhelmed. I am also not surprised that you are struggling to find a way through it, because this is difficult to do when overwhelmed!

In an ideal world, you could set things up so social care speak directly to your mum to explain what carers do. Unfortunately, with funding the way it is, it is likely that social care will do as little as possible and certainly not ‘sell’ their services to your mum.

Would it be helpful for you to try and approach the problem within a framework of 3 sets of needs to support - yours, your children’s and your mothers? If you can picture this as a mixing desk (like a DJ uses) and you need to balance the sounds so that the noise of one doesn’t drown out the others. You goal is to balance them.

It sounds like there is no-one to help look after you and as the main carer for your children and mother, making sure you are ok is central. What you are describing isn’t sustainable or healthy, so the starting point is to look at what help is available to reduce your load.

If your mother can access as much social care support as she is eligible for, you can then fill in the gaps. This might not be her preference, but having a mother with high needs when you are a mother of young children isn’t your preference either and so you all will need to make compromises.

I’d advise you not to seek medication for your mental health. Your feelings are healthy - they are telling you that there is a problem that needs to be fixed. Please listen to your body, don’t try and silence it.

If you do get all the help that is available for your mother, and you take all the steps you can to look after yourself and your mood is still low - perhaps then is the time for medication.

There is no comparison between caring for your own children, and caring for an elderly parent.

Babies and little children are easy to lift . The bum-wiping/ nappy changing stage doesn’t go on for many years unless there are additional needs. Your children are growing all the time, and there’s a progression towards independence. There’s a rough idea of the timescale involved unless something drastic happens.

In relation to an elderly parent, the timescale is often indefinite, they’re an adult in an adult sized body with all the implications for lifting and moving. They’re dealing with the loss of independence and role, and may be very unhappy or very angry, which may all be directed at you. They may be very confused or memory may be failing, which is both super-demanding of the carer, and beyond sad to witness.

And at the same time, the son or daughter may either have their own young children to care for, or is older themselves and doesn’t have the energy they used to have, and may well have health conditions of their own.

It just isn’t as simple as ‘ if you love your parent you will be happy to help them no matter how hard it is’.

This was me. Only both parents and elderly with life limiting illness for one of them.

It broke me. I had a breakdown. My kids lost a big part of their small childhood. It’s taken years to get back to normal. When I say it destroyed me I mean it.

Look after yourself first.

How much does your sibling do?

Back when families did do all the care (well, for those who didn’t go to the workhouse, or later on the geriatric ward, or to an institution, or those who had servants) people died much, much quicker. And yes, there were much bigger families. And the older person, if not living with servants, had to move into whichever relative’s house was big enough to accommodate them, usually sharing a bed with a child or two with resultant much higher sexual abuse levels, and fit into their family life far more. They’d do more childcare, cooking, feeding the chickens. They’d sit there smelling of pee/smoking a pipe to distract from the smell of pee, and telling their four anecdotes to all the visitors.

Some of this we might regret, some of it we were extremely glad as a society to see the back of, some of it we decided was unacceptable. Fundamentally those who need care have to fit into the society they live in, at least to some extent.

You right now are a breadwinner, raising a family. I’m guessing that your mother has much more money/assets than you. Like those in the past, she doesnt/shouidnt get to end the earning capacity of the person supporting the family, or the caring capacity of those raising children. Making a choice to employ carers is promoting her independence in her home. Yes of course they deal with toileting. Don’t accept what she says without any professional advice. Get a lot bossier about getting other advice in. And don’t tidy up!!! The mess is part of what shows that this is not sustainable.

You cannot do this safely for someone with dementia and a high risk of falling, when they will not cooperate.

Or trying to look after several very, very elderly people all at the same time.

Or any other situation where the "family stepping up" is not going to work for whatever reason.

Every situation is different and all this opining on how it's the only way to do things is just very painful for those of us who have relatives whose situations are now so complicated that care settings are the only option.

Not to mention that unsafe amateurs are not a substitute for nursing care with all the equipment for lifting and handling.

@cinnamondayou cannot be serious.

You do know that’s rubbish, don’t you? Of course carers can do intimate care including wiping once she’s been to the toilet. She’s correct that they can’t change dressings on wounds. District nurses do that. So all those needs can be met by people that aren’t you.
If her house is messy because of your kids (his bad can it be?), then clear up their mess so you’re in a position to have carers come in.

The only person who can stop this, OP, is you. You need to say enough is enough, you can’t do this anymore and social services need to take over. She’s not going to change so you will have to. That’s the only way you can escape this situation.

btw there are aids to help someone to wipe if they can’t reach. Buy her one of these:

https://amzn.eu/d/07efUGhZ

Op, I got dumped with doing far too much for DPs after a bereavement. I put on loads of weight, was on Prozac, had mental health problems which soon turned into physical ones like high blood pressure, and prediabetes. I realised that if I didn't stop running round after my parents I was going to lose my health and also my ability to work, look after my kids and keep a roof over our heads. That wasn't with being a single parent either.

Put your own oxygen mask on first. Your parent is being beyond selfish here; not just to you but your kids too.

Ah OP you know she is making that up don't you?

If she can wipe her own bum I am tempted to say take 24h away as a mental health break. That may not be realistic but you need to change something big and you need to be in a mental space to do that. As PPs are saying, own oxygen mask first. That isn't a platitude, or a reminder that you matter too, it's the necessary strategy for your dependents' survival too.

When your mental health fails making changes gets much more difficult and I am worried you are already heading into that spiral. Please please see your GP.

I feel there should be advocates people can employ to come and negotiate/lay down the law about these things with awkward parents who are refusing to take no for an answer. She can't make you. She can't make you. Eleanor Roosevelt - no one can make me feel inferior without my consent.

Thank you to all the encouraging posts. I’m sorry I can’t reply to them all individually but I appreciate them all.

There have been a few posts mentioning my sister, but it’s a brother golden child.

Conversation with them both today has not gone well. She doesn’t think I love her and it’s ‘shocked her to the core’ that ‘my resentment is so strong’ about doing all this.

Apparently I need to treat her with more love and compassion according to my brother. I likened that to her asking me to give her a drink from an empty cup.

I’ve said I think I need therapy to deal
with her diagnosis and maybe that’s where part of the issue comes from. She acknowledged that and then said ‘imagine how I feel’ as she’s dealing with it directly. I suggested she look into speaking to someone about her diagnosis and the massive impact it’s had on her life, but she doesn’t want to or feel that’s necessary.

I’ve also asked that I have one day where I don’t have to take her to any appointments or have any commitments with her. This has been seen as massive rejection and that I don’t want to help her anymore. I’ve said no that’s not true, I just I want to spend this time with my youngest dc before they start school.

I was again reminded how much support she’s given me throughout my life. I feel she was implying I now ‘owe’ her the same in return. My brother definitely sees it this way. He has no children so his priorities are very different.

Do you actually realise what you’re saying! This is guilt tripping. My mum had to have carers. It’s impossible for this poor OP to carry on as she is!!! Her mum guilt tripping her and now you. It’s not right, think again

I absolutely agree and have been I. The same situation with my mum. She got worse then dementia took hold. Tragic

Sorry but your mum and brother are being massively selfish. You need to take a step back, still help but not to the detriment of your children x

Plus it can go on for a very, very long time.

Annalisa Barbieri has a very good podcast on how to talk to difficult older people. Definitely have a listen.

You don't need therapy (tho it is helpful), you need the people who need help to listen to your needs and hear you when you say "this is what I can do, any more than that and you'll need to have help coming in". Work out what you can do, tell them what you can do, ignore the whining and complaining and if they choose not to get extra help, that is their choice. They can make bad decisions, if they have capacity. Are they considering your MH and needs, nope...

This all sounds very harsh and not something I'd have said a few years ago but it's a very slippery slope and if you're the one getting guilt-tripped into slavery, then it's best nipped in the bud. Guilt rather than resentment.