Would this level of caring for a parent be too much?

[Overwhelmedandneedadvice]

If what is described below was your personal situation, would you be happy with this level of care for a parent (currently early 70s) until they die?

Current situation:
-Parent is 73 and has a degenerative illness that will affect them till they die
-You’re a single parent to two small children and expected to care for said parent every day (you live 5 mins away) as well as run your own household
-they won’t accept help from outside carers, only you and your sibling
-they need help with dressing and putting on shoes and socks
-help with toileting including wiping them after a poo and emptying their commode
-household chores
-cooking/food prep
-taking to weekly appointments
-getting ready for bed
-cannot go out alone so have to accompany them if they want to go anywhere

I’m sure there are other things I’ve forgotten but that’s the general gist.

If this was your life for the foreseeable future, would you feel happy to do these things and plan your life around them? If you make plans, you’re asked what time you will be round to help them.

Things like holidays have to be arranged
In far in advance to the other sibling can be there.

YABU: I would be happy to do these things daily for my parent
YANBU: I would find this too much - if this is your answer, how would you distance yourself? When I’ve said i feel like this is too much, I get lots of crying and guilt tripping making it impossible to back away, even a bit.

Do you have to go to work too OP?

No, no and no.

I would be mortified at the thought of one of my DC having to help me go to the toilet.

Your mum is not even particularly elderly yet, this could easily go on for another decade. What you've just described Is a full time job for two people, one during the day and the other overnight. Every single day and night. Is she seriously happy for her kids to provide this level of care for God knows how many years to come? I'm sorry but if so that is really quite shocking. What about your own children and your own lives? What sort of person was she before she got ill?

My mum had vascular dementia and I cared for her for a few years before she had to go into a care home. It was the best decision for us as I became a daughter again not a carer. If she had had issues similar to your mother there's no way I would have considered caring for her except as a stop gap before she could move into a care home.
You need to get an assessment done. Tidy the toys away just the one night before they're due to visit. Do you have POA for health and finances? They will give you more of a say over her future care. You will resent your mum big time if you don't make some changes.

No, this is unreasonable. Think ylof your poor kids. Your first priority must absolutely be to them.
Your mum is guilting you into helping and your the only person who can stop that by refusing .
Adult social care services will help to set up a care arrangement for her.
If she has carers in 2-3 times a day, you can then spend some time doing nice things with her and her kids rather than onerous chores and personal care.

Sorry to say Your mum doesn't actually have a choice in this. It's your decision to put your kids and yourself first, not last

I do, but have cut my hours down to part time as it was too much.

I already feel resentful and am considering seeing my GP for some anti anxiety meds as I’m not the person I want to be.
Ive also put on 3 stone in the last 6 months which I loathe but after everything am lacking the every or motivation to do anything about it.

That's absolutely crazy and I'm from a culture/family where we do more personal care for elderly than others - mixed black caribbean/pakistani

Is she nice and generous? Otherwise a good mom? Good with the kids?
If the relationship is good and balanced I would either be moving her into your own home/selling everyone's house and combining into one bigger house sale with granny annexe or she can fund an extension on your house etc.

But still getting personal carers in for some stuff or paying for cleaner, meals delivered, etc she needs to use any financial resources she has to make things easier. My grandma lived with us briefly growing up in an extension but she did childcare I.e. literally just being in the house on an evening, cooking what she could. She did have carers in towards the end

You absolutely can stand up to her and advocate for your children . Did she do this for her own parents?
Does sibling do half as much as you? Any golden child/scapegoat child dynamics?
Lots of background needed really

Sometimes you have to just get carers in anyway and let them moan! Seen this with DH family. What they want ideally and what they accept are different things. X

I so feel for you @Overwhelmedandneedadvice . My late mother was like this, I was juggling working as a teacher, running a home, adult child with MH issues at home.

My mother refused meeting me halfway, refused any outside support, wouldn’t answer the door or phone unless it was me calling.Her needs, which were many, always, always escalated when I was on holiday. I never had a weekend for me, I did her laundry, her shopping her cleaning, cooked her meals, arranged her meds and appointments, she ran me ragged! She refused to downsize to a bungalow, she refused to let me stay at hers, and wouldn’t come to our home. Her stubbornness led to her demise. Three times I had to call emergency services, over one weekend, they pleaded with her to go to hospital, she refused, saying I could look after her. I couldn’t after four years I was on my knees. They said it wasn’t fair on me and she just shrugged. Two ambulances later, after she collapsed in my arms, the crew took her in, because she had refused food and fluids she was delirious, and no longer had capacity. I was so relieved that finally she would be looked after by professionals. She summoned her last bit of strength in the ambulance, whilst I held her hand to tell me that I’d let her down.

Please op, don’t be me. Don’t be manipulated like I was. Don’t feel guilty for doing enough and drawing a line. You put yourself first, I wish I had.

Also I'm sorry but she's so young, my grandma lasted until her 90s!
You absolutely need to change things

You need to find your backbone and refuse to do any care for her.

Your DC deserve so much more.

You don’t need anti anxiety medication. You need to be living in your own home, popping in 1-2 times a week to see your parents for 30mins to and hour and not being their carer. Of course doing some things for them eg adding food items to your shop for them maybe. Or picking them something up from town. Or maybe watering plants or putting a load of washing in the line.
But not what you are doing now. No wonder you are feeling anxious.

OP, this is awful. How many carers would it take to provide the care that she needs through the day, every single day?

What would she do if you were ill and your sibling was ill at the same time, or on holiday?

Keep saying to her that this isn’t a sustainable situation for you and that you’re changing how much you do for her. I bet it will still be a lot.

Work out your boundaries and stick to them. The tears, guilt trips and the house must be spotless, etc are attempts at emotional manipulation. Don’t let her feelings govern your feelings.

Totally get why you needed to - sanity is important - but work has a certain gravitas to it that she might accept as a "good enough" reason why you can't be there.

I really feel for you. You have to change this, it's not fair on you or your kids. Don't get sucked into her perspective, it's warped.

Yes this exactly
sometimes someone impartial is better to lead this sort of convo
You and sibling can be there but ultimately it sounds like you need some more help, what if you were poorly or one of the kids were and you couldn’t help.
Hopefully you can find a way forward with a package or care in the home, otherwise you’ll have to consider residential options.

@Middlemarch123 that's horrendous, I'm so sorry. I hope you know she was simply wrong. You didn't let her down, and her ingratitude doesn't diminish the huge amount you gave to her.

It's a lot. It depends on the people involved, their relationship, and how they feel about it, but this very much sounds like it's you doing the caring and it's too much.

Thank you so much for your kind words @Logika , they mean so much.

You and your sister need to take over the management of the care arrangements, not take over the whole of the care yourselves. You must stand firm together. Tell DM, you cannot care for her, it's not your job but you will arrange carers. If she says she doesn't want carers tell her that's fine, she doesn't have to have them but you won't be doing the caring. Then leave. She will soon change her mind.

I am so sorry, I have been there too. I had a massive nervous breakdown 4 years ago and am now chronically ill and had 8 weeks in a mental clinic. For the love of God, please don’t go down this route further as you will make yourself very unwell and it might impact your life as it did mine with all the ramifications to family life.

i wish you the strength to pull
the emergency cord while you can. Good luck

This sounds like a hideous situation all round.

Dispassionately though- your mum is manipulating you emotionally and your boundaries are being ignored. It's flipping difficult but you are allowed to say 'no'

I got myself in a tangle when a parent needed a lot of care and I was a mess feeling like I HAD to offer so much more time and energy than I wanted. I had a phone conversation with my brother that changed my life. His perspective was - you don't have to offer all of that. When I started to explain why I felt I did he just said 'no you don't. Let them fail. Then they will find access the care they need'. I was blown away. Damn that is COLD bro. And then the penny dropped. This is why men stay sane and daughters run themselves into the ground.

This is a decision you can and should make for yourself. How much can I offer and what is sustainable. Remember- if you are not fit and healthy and happy you can't look after yourself or your children. It's complicated because deciding your own boundaries and then implementing them will force conversations with your mother and your sister. But it's your life and you are entitled to decide how much of it you give to others.

For a short term illness only - I'd do it.

It could well be 20 or 25 years. Degenerative illnesses will remove all
your body & brain functions but with modern heart/lung drugs you won’t die for decades.

The problem is if she has capacity and declines an assessment thats the end of it. They can't and won't force her.
OP stand your ground and inly do what you can comfortably manage and no more.

I'm speaking from long experience of parents refusing outside care...situations you think will be short-term aren't always and there's entire new levels of shitshow that can develop. I am exceptionally grateful to the paramedics that eventually referred one of our situations to all and sundry for the parent with dementia and at risk of falls.

That just left us dealing with the various other parents...my Sil said recently that she was grateful she got a very serious illness, as that meant she could have some peace for a while.

If you've gained 3st and need meds, it's time to step back.

I think it’s really unsustainable. Reality is they need carers coming in. I think you say what you are prepared to do and stick to it. Repeat ad Infinitium. There will be a crisis at some point requiring hodpital and the issue will be forced. Question is are you going to run yourself into the ground in the meantime ?

I didn’t feel able to do personal care at all - my Mum had to have carers in. I didn’t change, even when she cried. She tried to guilt trip me massively but I just couldn’t do it.