To think DH is selfish for not helping a day before the hike

[Plasticflowerduck]

OK please tell me if I have a genuine grievance here or if its pms rage at play.

My DH does a long hike with friends every year. The event is on today. He's usually gone 6am -7pm between the hike and a few pints with friends afterwards.
It involves me and our kids getting up at 5am to drop him to the starting point as he wants to have a drink afterwards. Then the next day he's usually wrote off as he is stiff/tired/hungover. It's Kind of annoying but I don't usually mind it's once a year and he enjoys it.
However this year he has really annoyed me.
My DH was off all week including yday, but I was working all day 7 - 3pm yday. After DH did the school run he went to the gym but then just came home and went back to bed (he told me this). He had the car so could have went to shops/pharmacy to get the things he needed for the hike but instead he decided to go for a nap and ask me to stop at the shops on my way home instead. So I had a busy day in work, then collect twin DS (6) from school, drag them round the shops to get the things DH needed, then feed the kids before taking them back out for swimming lesspns. DH had emptied dishwasher cooked dinner and did some laundry but house was itherwise not tidied (not a huge mess but like curtains not fully opened, counters not wiped down, toys on floor etc.) So I had to do that after I got back. At that point I was wrecked and just wanted an hour to myself upstairs, DH had went for a bath while I was cleaning so when he came down I said to him to entertain the boys so I could get an hour to myself but instead he fell asleep on couch so the boys were up to me within 10 mins. I confronted DH but he said he can't help being tired then announced he was going to bed leaving me to do bedtime alone.
This morning when I got us all up at 5 he kind of apologised but it was like "sorry you didn't get a rest yday" no actually taking responsibility but I left it go (or pretended to because I didn't want to ruin the day for him). Today I have a full on day with 6 year olds who have been up since 5 so are in bad form and I know tomorrow DH will be useless so I'm j7st not going to get any break this weekend. I have no family support. I know single mums do this all the time so I shouldn't complain but just feel taken for granted.

Tell him to get a lift with a friend. You are not a servant.

You baby him then complain about it.

No way would I wake little kids up at 5am to ferry him to his hike and drink. He can Uber or get a lift from someone.

He's lazy. He lays around and naps and doesn't engage with the kids. If he wants to do something like this, he should be getting his supplies, not expecting you to after a day's work along with the kids.

It sounds as if you’ve been conditioned to be “fair” which mean doing everything for everyone else in your household, and praising them for being able to scratch their own arse. Is that the way it is, do you feel guilty for not doing everything? Do you get pushback for enforcing boundaries around what you need or want?

What is the point of such a selfish waster? He has an absolute fool made out of you. Wake up.And as for waking children up at 5am so this loser can drink? You need to take a hard look at your priorities. Unbelievable. I wouldn't dream of doing it, but nor would my husband ask.

He is playing you.
ND isn't an excuse to let your wife do all the boring bits while you rest and go drinking with the lads for a day. Sorry.

Is there a quid pro quo in this? He goes for a hike with mates for the weekend and you take another weekend off to do your thing?

Isn’t this how partnerships work?

@Plasticflowerduck oh god, not yet another MNetter citing ND for a grown functioning adult's unreasonable behaviour. ND doesn't excuse treating you like a complete doormat. He can work, have hobbies, socialise and father children. It's selective struggling.

have only read the OP. So I would a) not have gone to the shops for him and b) certainly not taken him anywhere at 5am.

Take next weekend off, go somewhere after work on Friday and come back Sunday night when the DC are in bed.

And knock the 5am start taking him to the start of his hike on the head. That is a piss take.

He can order stuff he needs online and get a taxi. Cf

I would not have been trotting around doing his jobs for him and no way I’d be getting up at 5am to bloody chauffeur his ass around. He could have driven himself and collected his car on Sunday or lift shared with a friend. If he’s too ND to cope with the shops, how does he manage a busy pub after a very overstimulating day of walking and socialising. ND my ass! I do these sorts of hikes all the time. I’m certainly not writing off 3 days for a day hike.

The ND thing is absolute rubbish!! Manages a full days hike with loads of other people and manages to go to a pub which will be far noisier and busier than a shop! Stop
letting your hismqmd not parent his own children 50% and also do his share of the housework and home duties! Also tell him that next year he’s taking both the kids with him on the hike as they are old enough now and also YOU deserve a day off for a change!! No he won’t be able to go to the pub etc and get drunk but he’s had his cake for long enough. Start putting yourself before him now!

I feel like I think about his feelings and about making things easy for him but he doesn't think that way about me.

Has he ever? Is this just this weekend that he's been like this? Is it just since you've had kids? Has it always been this way? And do you, perhaps, think about yourself too little - expecting more of your partner than you do of yourself in terms of making your own life good?

Perhaps, tomorrow, just go out and leave him to it even though he's feeling awful. Unless there is something special about the kids, it won't hurt them to have a less than stellar day for once and it sounds like you really need to recharge your batteries a bit.

Then at some point in a few days when this incident isn't dominating your thoughts, have a think about whether it's an ingrained issue or just a blip. and whether it's something you can do something to balance things out in a way you find acceptable, or whether you need to be thinking about if this is the relationship you want. If the latter it might be worth having a chat with him about it all and telling him he needs to change if you're going to stay together, but getting someone else to change like that often fails in the long term.

OP won't answer the taxi question though, why it is not an option. Unless I missed it?

She hasn't answered, but it's roughly a 1 hour drive, which will be very pricey in a taxi. For a lot (the majority?) of people, avoiding that sort of expense is pretty standard.

A taxi can be very expensive.
I would expect my husband not to drink and drive home or get a lift. Tbh sort it himself.

People have to function in the real world. He’s had a year to get ready. OP, ‘no’ is a whole sentence.

No way does the whole family need to get up at 5 am
order an uber
he’s had a year to plan
as for not going to the shops - lazy arse

He’s had a year to plan / budget for a £200 round trip taxi ride or share it with a mate

You went to the shops for him with all the children in tow ? And you got everybody up at 5am ??! You are being taken for a mug here. What a lazy manchild. He should get a taxi at 5am. Or lift pool with his mates who are going too.

I am reaching my limit of reading about useless selfish men and doormat women on here.

If they have personal spending money, that would be a reasonable approach, but many families don't and a £200 is £200 out of the family's budget so getting up and doing the drive instead of paying someone else to do it saves that much. If OP never gets the equivalent money and help to do things for herself, it's unfair, but if she does it's just a sensible way of getting the most out of their money as a family - and a very common way families do things

So when he asked you to pick up the drugs, you said SURE.

You have mug tattooed on your forehead.

As a single parent, yes it was hard looking after two boys on my own (Dad had them every other weekend) but you hit things done because you had no choice.

In a lot of ways it was easier after we’d split as all decisions in my home were then my own. No second ‘adult’ to interfere or feel resentful about his lack of support

Wow. I definitely think he should have been more useful the day before! I don't think I'd have got everyone up at 5 to drop him off after that honestly.

Next time, he gets a taxi