To think DH is selfish for not helping a day before the hike

[Plasticflowerduck]

OK please tell me if I have a genuine grievance here or if its pms rage at play.

My DH does a long hike with friends every year. The event is on today. He's usually gone 6am -7pm between the hike and a few pints with friends afterwards.
It involves me and our kids getting up at 5am to drop him to the starting point as he wants to have a drink afterwards. Then the next day he's usually wrote off as he is stiff/tired/hungover. It's Kind of annoying but I don't usually mind it's once a year and he enjoys it.
However this year he has really annoyed me.
My DH was off all week including yday, but I was working all day 7 - 3pm yday. After DH did the school run he went to the gym but then just came home and went back to bed (he told me this). He had the car so could have went to shops/pharmacy to get the things he needed for the hike but instead he decided to go for a nap and ask me to stop at the shops on my way home instead. So I had a busy day in work, then collect twin DS (6) from school, drag them round the shops to get the things DH needed, then feed the kids before taking them back out for swimming lesspns. DH had emptied dishwasher cooked dinner and did some laundry but house was itherwise not tidied (not a huge mess but like curtains not fully opened, counters not wiped down, toys on floor etc.) So I had to do that after I got back. At that point I was wrecked and just wanted an hour to myself upstairs, DH had went for a bath while I was cleaning so when he came down I said to him to entertain the boys so I could get an hour to myself but instead he fell asleep on couch so the boys were up to me within 10 mins. I confronted DH but he said he can't help being tired then announced he was going to bed leaving me to do bedtime alone.
This morning when I got us all up at 5 he kind of apologised but it was like "sorry you didn't get a rest yday" no actually taking responsibility but I left it go (or pretended to because I didn't want to ruin the day for him). Today I have a full on day with 6 year olds who have been up since 5 so are in bad form and I know tomorrow DH will be useless so I'm j7st not going to get any break this weekend. I have no family support. I know single mums do this all the time so I shouldn't complain but just feel taken for granted.

Can you arrange a weekend away for yourself soon and leave him to look after everything and everyone while you are away? Don't make it easy for him by planning, shopping and prepping meals in advance, that's down to him. As is planning any outings or entertainments for the weekend. Oh and can he drop you at the station and pick you up when you get back?

Also, give him due warning that he should make other arrangements for next year as you are so over getting up at 5ambwith two young kids to ferry him about

YANBU

He has acknowledged that you didn’t get a rest yesterday, so let him have his weekend this weekend, and let him know he owes you next weekend!

Lots of ND people don't have a partner to go to the shops for them. I don't.

With a bit of advance warning and planning, I'm sure he'd have managed it just fine.

I think you need to push back a bit, here. He could have helped in many ways and chose not to.

Tell him next weekend he needs to be up at 5am with the kids on Saturday to drop you off at a nice hotel and you’ll be back Sunday evening.

Can't cope with the shops.
Can cope with the pub.

Funny that.

Too tired to stay awake after the school run. Not too tired for a day long hike.

He knows exactly what he’s doing. And he’s getting away with it.

I don’t think that you’re actually cross with him, I think you’re cross with everything landing on your shoulders and not getting a break because he isn’t pulling his weight.

Spend today texting some old friends (or family or mum friends or your favourite colleagues etc) and get a long weekend away without kids somewhere nice in the diary over the next couple of months.

I mean I know my mum for example would do things for me if she lived nearby but just because she would do it doesn't mean I would ask her all the time, I feel like I think about his feelings and about making things easy for him but he doesn't think that way about me.

Sounds more like the "hike" is cover comprising of a quick amble down the lane before opening time and the main event of a boozeup that incapacitates him into the next day.

No in fairness its a decent hike its just over 22 miles and over high ground so takes them about 8 hours.

It's funny how many people are ND these days, when they don't feel like doing something...

I always ask myself, "what would they do if I wasn't here?" Short answer is, he'd either go to the shop and get the bits he wanted, or he'd go without. It doesn't have to be a drama.

I get there's give and take in relationships, and people play to their strengths. In which case, there needs to be more things that DH is doing off his own back.

And, a bit off topic, but 6yos should be more than capable for playing alone for an hour, without needing to chase mum and dad around the house.

To be fair the boys did play in their room but they came in every few mins to show me the cool costume they created or the cool lego structure they made, I just wanted an hour completely by myself after a stressful day. They always prefer/want me, so DH usually knows he needs to distract them with an activity when I'm touched out and need a break otherwise they'll be up to me straight away. Just annoyed that he didn't do that yesterday.

It’s very simple you get up tomorrow, tell dh you are off out for a few hours shopping, and he’s in charge of everything and the kids, here’s a list of what needs doing and go

if he moans about being tired etc you just say so was I all last week when you did nothing

Ah. The kind of neurodiverse that can’t do anything for himself but can go on an all day long social event 🙄

This is one of those threads where the OP wants someone else to change their behaviour but won't even consider changing their own behaviour.

You are doing this to yourself OP. Stop being a martyr.

Why are you both so tired?

If your husband does this each year, why don’t you choose a day a year and go to an overnight spa for example? You give him his day, and in return you get your day and he’s at home with the kids.
I do however think if he had so much time off then he had plenty time to prepare and go to the shops when it was less busy.

If they need to come in every couple of minutes, then that isn't age-appropriate independent play. Speaking as an early years specialist, sometimes you have to actively teach that stuff.
You expect that "must show Mummy now!" mentality at 3, not 6. A 6yo should have the wherewithal to thinking "that's cool, I'll put that aside to show Mummy in a while."
Have you explicitly told them, "Mummy wants to be left alone for a while." Or "Mummy wants some quiet time on her own"? Some kids get the social nuance of "perhaps my adult doesn't want me every single second of the day", and some just don't.

I have a sneaky suspicion I know the walk your DH may be doing, as mine is doing one too today with similar timelines. Just for comparison, he’s made his own way there in the early hours, prepared all his own gear (wanted to show me everything but I had no input whatsoever) and will make his own way back. It’s me and DD who’s 9 at home today. He’s been texting us updates along route and we’ve been supporting him back.

I worked yesterday, he was off but he we both did the school runs and he made dinner. Your DH is absolutely milking it. He can walk that many miles but can’t pack his own bag, it’s just a bit pathetic.

Yes, lone parents manage, and many ND people probably manage to get shopping by whatever means.
You are not a lone parent though, and if you were you wouldn’t be dragging your DC out of bed at 5.00am for no better reason than their father wants to drink so much that he’s even more useless the next day.

Definitely put your foot down op otherwise the resentment creeps in. My H was always ‘too tired’ to do anything he didn’t want to do but funnily enough his illness (and he does have one but he plays on it) never stopped him doing anything he actually wanted to do. I wouldn’t be getting 2 kids up at 5am - so he needs to find another solution.

YABU for being a martyr and enabling this.

You could have just said no to any of this, or even white lie'd = sorry I didn't see your message until after I got home. He's been off work all week, he's had loads of time to get the "stuff" (what stuff, exactly?) he "needed" for the hike. If he doesn't like shops he could have ordered them online. I cant believe you get your kids up at 5am rather than him just driving/getting a taxi/lift sharing with a mate.

Say no to the lift, and go out yourself on Sunday morning for a wander round the shops/sitting in the park/meet a friend for a coffee - if he's just going to be tired rather than hugely hungover there's no reason he can't take care of the kids.

The shops can be difficult? You're doing this too yourself.

He can LEARN to navigate the shops if he can navigate a full day fucking hiking. Can't believe you're making excuses for him. You've allowed this, I'm sorry as I feel for you, you shouldn't be putting up with this shit.

Stop making excuses for him!

YABU for blaming your hormones.