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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is selfish for not helping a day before the hike

141 replies

Plasticflowerduck · 09/05/2026 09:26

OK please tell me if I have a genuine grievance here or if its pms rage at play.

My DH does a long hike with friends every year. The event is on today. He's usually gone 6am -7pm between the hike and a few pints with friends afterwards.
It involves me and our kids getting up at 5am to drop him to the starting point as he wants to have a drink afterwards. Then the next day he's usually wrote off as he is stiff/tired/hungover. It's Kind of annoying but I don't usually mind it's once a year and he enjoys it.
However this year he has really annoyed me.
My DH was off all week including yday, but I was working all day 7 - 3pm yday. After DH did the school run he went to the gym but then just came home and went back to bed (he told me this). He had the car so could have went to shops/pharmacy to get the things he needed for the hike but instead he decided to go for a nap and ask me to stop at the shops on my way home instead. So I had a busy day in work, then collect twin DS (6) from school, drag them round the shops to get the things DH needed, then feed the kids before taking them back out for swimming lesspns. DH had emptied dishwasher cooked dinner and did some laundry but house was itherwise not tidied (not a huge mess but like curtains not fully opened, counters not wiped down, toys on floor etc.) So I had to do that after I got back. At that point I was wrecked and just wanted an hour to myself upstairs, DH had went for a bath while I was cleaning so when he came down I said to him to entertain the boys so I could get an hour to myself but instead he fell asleep on couch so the boys were up to me within 10 mins. I confronted DH but he said he can't help being tired then announced he was going to bed leaving me to do bedtime alone.
This morning when I got us all up at 5 he kind of apologised but it was like "sorry you didn't get a rest yday" no actually taking responsibility but I left it go (or pretended to because I didn't want to ruin the day for him). Today I have a full on day with 6 year olds who have been up since 5 so are in bad form and I know tomorrow DH will be useless so I'm j7st not going to get any break this weekend. I have no family support. I know single mums do this all the time so I shouldn't complain but just feel taken for granted.

OP posts:
Walig54 · 10/05/2026 20:34

My DH has done lots of longish distance bike rides, as well as 26 mile marches, and has never done any of this for "charity". He is now 81 yo.

Our view it is just a "jolly" for other people's money. You have to submit accounts, plus you can take off your expenses. So it is a free ride. We never sponsor anyone and do not ask for sponsorship ever.

He pays his own way, i.e. camps in a two man tent and pays all his expenses himself. He is off to cycle from Roscoff to Cherbourg this Summer for fun.

Theyreeatingthedogs · 10/05/2026 20:42

You are enabling him. Why were you getting him up at 5am? Tell him to sort himself out. Stop being a doormat.

Holdinguphalfthesky · 10/05/2026 20:44

Plasticflowerduck · 10/05/2026 19:25

I'm weirdly nervous about raising things with him because although he never loses his temper he can go really quiet and feel "off" with me for a long time when he's mad that makes the energy in the house feel horrible. But I did say it to him this evening because he was asking me to go to the shop again. I told him that il no longer be running errands for him when he it's inconvenient for me and he can easily do it himself. If he's off and I'm working I expect that he will go to the shop/post office himself. He seemed annoyed initially but actually seems OK this evening (though I had taken the kids off to the park for a few hours so he was prob happy about that)

The mark of a manipulative, emotionally abusive man. He knows exactly how to create the conditions to get everything the way that suits him, with no pushback because everyone around him is walking on eggshells.

Been there, done that, still bear the (emotional) scars 12+ years on.

It doesn’t get better, unfortunately.

likelysuspect · 10/05/2026 20:44

Plasticflowerduck · 09/05/2026 09:32

Yeah I know I kind of did it myself but he is ND so I know shops can be difficult for him so usually I don't mind doing it, if he helps me out when I need it but in this case he didnt

Show quote history

Well you're giving mixed messages, I havent read the thread though

Either you're happy to do it due to his disability, and that counts whehter he has been at work or not. Or you're not happy to do it given he had the time to go, so tell him 'no I cant stop off but you can pop out'

When you get home and things need doing, ask 'who is doing this then'

You shouldnt have to, it drives me mad that I have to 'manage' the home, be the director, project manager if you like but there it is.

likelysuspect · 10/05/2026 20:59

Why so many comments on here about using home delivery services for food, they cost a bomb, he can go out and shop

Also why so many comments about taxis getting him to the collection point, either he drives and leaves the car there and the car is collected with OPs support at a much more convenient time to her, or he gets public transport, using taxi perhaps for a short bit if public transport doesnt cover the whole journey

Taxis cost a lot of money

Besidemyselfwithworry · 10/05/2026 21:02

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 09/05/2026 09:29

I don't understand why you did all that stuff, especially going to the shops to buy the stuff he needs. The easiest way to make him get off his arse is you not being a doormat.

This
I’d have said no
and I certainly wouldn’t be getting up at 5am with young kids “so he can have a drink”
not a bloody chance! He’s taking the piss!

WallaceinAnderland · 10/05/2026 21:07

I'm weirdly nervous about raising things with him because although he never loses his temper he can go really quiet and feel "off" with me for a long time when he's mad that makes the energy in the house feel horrible.

So? Let him be off. You are making a rod for your own back.

bubblepink2749 · 10/05/2026 21:11

I voted YABU because you could’ve said no to doing all of that stuff and also just told the kids to leave you alone and get their dad when you were in the bath.

Whiteheadhouse · 10/05/2026 21:47

Plasticflowerduck · 10/05/2026 19:25

I'm weirdly nervous about raising things with him because although he never loses his temper he can go really quiet and feel "off" with me for a long time when he's mad that makes the energy in the house feel horrible. But I did say it to him this evening because he was asking me to go to the shop again. I told him that il no longer be running errands for him when he it's inconvenient for me and he can easily do it himself. If he's off and I'm working I expect that he will go to the shop/post office himself. He seemed annoyed initially but actually seems OK this evening (though I had taken the kids off to the park for a few hours so he was prob happy about that)

So you are afraid of him and his reactions?
So not only is he a selfish lazy arse he has trained you not to challenge him.

This is abuse.
You and your children live in an abusive home with a controlling man that you are nervous of.

You need to talk to a Domestic abuse charity and wake up to your reality and the truth about the selfish arse you are married to.

Original poster
Plasticflowerduck · 10/05/2026 21:59

Whiteheadhouse · 10/05/2026 21:47

So you are afraid of him and his reactions?
So not only is he a selfish lazy arse he has trained you not to challenge him.

This is abuse.
You and your children live in an abusive home with a controlling man that you are nervous of.

You need to talk to a Domestic abuse charity and wake up to your reality and the truth about the selfish arse you are married to.

Show quote history

No it's not like that, maybe I made it sound worse than it is.
He goes quiet when challenged but not towards the kids just towards me and I dislike the energy that brings. He's not abusive at all he has never became violent or called me names or raised his voice or stopped me from doing anything I want to do. He's not controlling with money or controlling over anything I wear.
My nervousness around confronting him is more around my own people pleasing tendencies and me never wanting to be the bad guy. This is definitely not a situation which requires support from a domestic abuse charity. I'm not scared of him at all.

This is unrelated to your comment but others have asked about him and housework. It's not like he's totally lazy and does nothing he does 90% of the cooking 90% of the laundry and mostly takes care of the dog. But all the cleanibg, shopping, errands, activities/kid stuff is me. Its not equal but it's not like he does absolutely nothing either. I've gotten into bad habits of doing stuff for him even at my own expense

OP posts:
AuntieLemonade · 10/05/2026 22:05

Where can I get me one of these enabler, doormat, housekeeper pseudo mummy “partners”? Oh, that’s right, I can’t, I’m straight…

99bottlesofkombucha · 11/05/2026 02:31

Plasticflowerduck · 10/05/2026 21:59

No it's not like that, maybe I made it sound worse than it is.
He goes quiet when challenged but not towards the kids just towards me and I dislike the energy that brings. He's not abusive at all he has never became violent or called me names or raised his voice or stopped me from doing anything I want to do. He's not controlling with money or controlling over anything I wear.
My nervousness around confronting him is more around my own people pleasing tendencies and me never wanting to be the bad guy. This is definitely not a situation which requires support from a domestic abuse charity. I'm not scared of him at all.

This is unrelated to your comment but others have asked about him and housework. It's not like he's totally lazy and does nothing he does 90% of the cooking 90% of the laundry and mostly takes care of the dog. But all the cleanibg, shopping, errands, activities/kid stuff is me. Its not equal but it's not like he does absolutely nothing either. I've gotten into bad habits of doing stuff for him even at my own expense

Show quote history
  1. you really need to work on that in yourself
  2. BUT YOU ARE NOT THE ROOT CAUSE HERE. if you said can’t you do it I’m at work and he was like a shit sorry that was really inconsiderate of me, you’d be more comfortable making things fair. Instead he gets in a pathetic childish mood at being asked to be fair and it makes you miserable. And if he were a good husband he’d bloody well have thought of that all on his own and cooked dinner and asked a friend or a ride at 5am if he didn’t want to drive, not expected you to wake the kids. Stop sacrificing your life and the kids too for him, he’s a selfish entitled man who’s happy to gain free time from your exhaustion.
Phoenixfire1988 · 11/05/2026 09:15

I voted yabu purely because WHY would you go and get his stuff hes a grown man if he decided to nap rather than prepare then tough shit if he doesn't have what he needs ! He is not a child let him sort his own problems

AnneElliott · 11/05/2026 15:02

AuntieLemonade · 10/05/2026 22:05

Where can I get me one of these enabler, doormat, housekeeper pseudo mummy “partners”? Oh, that’s right, I can’t, I’m straight…

I think the same quite often. I could have climbed the career ladder so much more quickly if I had a ‘wife’ at home that did all the boring shit!

Whiteheadhouse · 11/05/2026 16:41

He is not a good man and you are in major denial about it. Stop putting him ahead of yourself and your children. Your health will suffer and he will not help.

Justamum36 · 12/05/2026 09:40

trust me, being a single parent is much easier because you know it’s all on you and there’s not someone else making extra demands without even thinking about the impact that has on you.

It’s not up to you to fix, you’ve got expressed what upset you now it’s down to him to fix it. Otherwise just lower your expectations and prepare to leave as soon as you’re able and in a good position to.

Fed up of all these selfish partners needing to be told what to do and having to explain that kids need looking after and a house needs tidying and cleaning. Yes, we’re all tired, but the children don’t put themselves to bed and unless it’s an agreed turn taking arrangement then he just needs to get on with it like you’ve had to.

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