To think DH is selfish for not helping a day before the hike

[Plasticflowerduck]

OK please tell me if I have a genuine grievance here or if its pms rage at play.

My DH does a long hike with friends every year. The event is on today. He's usually gone 6am -7pm between the hike and a few pints with friends afterwards.
It involves me and our kids getting up at 5am to drop him to the starting point as he wants to have a drink afterwards. Then the next day he's usually wrote off as he is stiff/tired/hungover. It's Kind of annoying but I don't usually mind it's once a year and he enjoys it.
However this year he has really annoyed me.
My DH was off all week including yday, but I was working all day 7 - 3pm yday. After DH did the school run he went to the gym but then just came home and went back to bed (he told me this). He had the car so could have went to shops/pharmacy to get the things he needed for the hike but instead he decided to go for a nap and ask me to stop at the shops on my way home instead. So I had a busy day in work, then collect twin DS (6) from school, drag them round the shops to get the things DH needed, then feed the kids before taking them back out for swimming lesspns. DH had emptied dishwasher cooked dinner and did some laundry but house was itherwise not tidied (not a huge mess but like curtains not fully opened, counters not wiped down, toys on floor etc.) So I had to do that after I got back. At that point I was wrecked and just wanted an hour to myself upstairs, DH had went for a bath while I was cleaning so when he came down I said to him to entertain the boys so I could get an hour to myself but instead he fell asleep on couch so the boys were up to me within 10 mins. I confronted DH but he said he can't help being tired then announced he was going to bed leaving me to do bedtime alone.
This morning when I got us all up at 5 he kind of apologised but it was like "sorry you didn't get a rest yday" no actually taking responsibility but I left it go (or pretended to because I didn't want to ruin the day for him). Today I have a full on day with 6 year olds who have been up since 5 so are in bad form and I know tomorrow DH will be useless so I'm j7st not going to get any break this weekend. I have no family support. I know single mums do this all the time so I shouldn't complain but just feel taken for granted.

Oh op, not advise really but I think it’s within your right/reason to be irritated! I am fuming for you. I have two little ones and god it’s just one endless slog sometimes so I do feel you. I ask hubby to watch the toddler whilst I am in the shower within minutes she is in the bathroom and all he can say is she wants you… so it must ve a thing. Hopefully, he let you go out for a coffee and a book on Sunday and watched the kids…

My DH used to do 26 mile march (Army Res) every year. I never had to drive him anywhere. He prepared his own stuff and wasn't sore or complaining afterwards as he had trained to do that mileage. So I think your DH is playing the martyr.

No way would I get out of bed that early yet alone drag children out of bed so he can drink. That's crazy. He could get a lift, taxi whatever. That would not be my problem. Plus why so much sleeping, no no no no.

Maybe, but a lift with a fellow competitor might be an option, giving them petrol money.

Sorry. This is the next 50 years of your life unless you step up and stand up to him now.

This is what happens when you have one person (you) who thinks of their spouse, and one person (him) who only thinks of himself.

Agree with PP that you didn't have to do any of this. If my husband had a day off work but expected me to run the kids around and do chores while he was in bed (unless he was ill or something) my first reaction would be wtf? Really? Why can't you do it? If he leaves you to it 'because he can't help being tired' I'd be telling him his lift was off, because I couldn't help being tired.

At the moment it seems there are no consequences for his horribly selfish behaviour. Have you even told him, I think that it's really unfair that you are leaving your share of parenting, chores and lifts to me. I feel disrespected that you think you deserve free time and I don't. It's not fair that you have much more down time than me. That you don't even acknowledge that I'm taking over your share of parenting.

With selfish people you need to really spell it out, make it transactional, and make sure he feels the consequences of his actions.

I would have told him to go to the shops himself. And tbh what kind of selfish twat is he that he expects his family to get up at 5am to drop him off. Neither me nor DH would ever do that, we'd sort out our own transport so as not to inconvenience the family.

So I would also have told him to sort out his own transport at 5am. And not to wake me up when he got up

It might, or a ride with one of the friends he goes with or head up the night before and stay over with someone. But none of this is really the issue. OP hasn’t said that a 5 am lift is what’s bothering her. So focusing on that and why she isn’t answering questions on the details is really beside the point.

I'll comment as I see fit!

I’m afraid that after my busy day the day before I’d have been too tired to get up at 5.

Yes it’s a very common type it seems.

Obviously. I'm just pointing out that your comment is part of the nasty, bullying MN habit of derailing threads over utterly pointless detail picking at perfectly normal things that an OP has done in a way that is vaguely critical without any validity.

Why doesn't he take a cab to the start point? There's no way I'd be waking up young kids at 5am to drop him off. You need to stop doing things for him like the good little woman.

Start putting in boundaries on your side so that he can bang his head against it. It's the only way he'll learn or divorce him and go for 50% custody so he'll have to parent his kids.

Why would you do all that? I'd have let him get up at 5 but said I'm tired I can't help being tired and rolled over. He's a selfish lazy orick and I can't believe this behaviour appears once a year for the hike

He's 100% taking advantage of you. Absolutely rage inducing!

I haven't "bullied" OP or derailed the thread. I asked a question about why OP has to be the one to drop him off.

By quoting my posts, surely you are part of what you think is a "problem" on MN.

Today just stick some cartoons/crap on the tv and let him rest on the sofa and the children hang out watching tv (one day won’t harm them) you can then rest in peace upstairs or go out etc…

I agree. It was hard bringing up the kids alone, but better without my ex husband. He used to fall asleep when 'looking after the kids for me' all the time, so much so that my daughter gave my son a full haircut when he was 1, she was 3. Quite a surprise when I got home from work. My ex was asleep the whole time. Those kind of situations were great to get away from. If you've got a useless, lazy partner being on your own is definitely easier.

Op, you’re not single. He’s a dad and he’s not single either, he’s an enormously fucking supported man. I would not have gone to the shops. And now I would sit him down and say you were a selfish twat on whatever-day-it-was and I am never ever waking up at 5am to drive you somewhere when I am already doing two days solo parenting to support you and instead of appreciating that you’ve taken half the day in bed and not even looked after yourself much less your family but asked me to by going to the shops for you. I am worn out and pissed off at the complete lack of appreciation, do not try and say you apologised- that half hearted wishy washy sorry would have been pathetic from our 6yos. I suggest you think very hard about showing you appreciate me in some very practical ways or that’s the last hiking day you have as a massively supported man. You can do two days solo parenting instead and mix it up with taking them all to the shops to get stuff for me while I go to bed when I get back.

This is on you really Op. I guess over time you've run around after him, but it's time to stop. Stop making excuses for him too.
If he needed shopping done for his activity he could go and get it on his own.

You said your DH is neurodiverse- it would be better to communicate your needs directly as it may not have occurred to him?

He could've ordered all the bits he wanted online to be delivered. There's plenty of options.

Yes,single mothers do do it but you aren't a single mother, you have a perfectly capable spouse! So, no, you aren't being unreasonable.

If he had to go back to bed and then fell asleep on the sofa later it sounds like he'd not manage a whole hike plus beers. But then again that makes him happy, it's funny how he manages to muster up the energy for that but not for things like parenting and spousal support.

Get up & 5am with kids as well just so he can have a drink afterwards?

Er no.

Imo he shouldn't even be asking.

Does he realise that he could drive himself, not drink & therefore not involve the rest of his family?

I wouldn’t get up at 5am because it means getting your children up too. He has to find a new way to get to the start of his hike.
Yesterday you worked till three, went round the shops and came home. Did some chores, as did he.
What made you cross was that he was off all week. Went to bed during the day. That the counter tops were not wiped down and toys on the floor. And the curtains not fully open.
Then he fell asleep again and you could not have your relaxing time.

I would wonder why he fell asleep during the day and then in the early evening too. It seems unusual. I know he is getting up at 5am but even so.

He can drive, next year he can drive himself to the hike.