To think DH is selfish for not helping a day before the hike

[Plasticflowerduck]

OK please tell me if I have a genuine grievance here or if its pms rage at play.

My DH does a long hike with friends every year. The event is on today. He's usually gone 6am -7pm between the hike and a few pints with friends afterwards.
It involves me and our kids getting up at 5am to drop him to the starting point as he wants to have a drink afterwards. Then the next day he's usually wrote off as he is stiff/tired/hungover. It's Kind of annoying but I don't usually mind it's once a year and he enjoys it.
However this year he has really annoyed me.
My DH was off all week including yday, but I was working all day 7 - 3pm yday. After DH did the school run he went to the gym but then just came home and went back to bed (he told me this). He had the car so could have went to shops/pharmacy to get the things he needed for the hike but instead he decided to go for a nap and ask me to stop at the shops on my way home instead. So I had a busy day in work, then collect twin DS (6) from school, drag them round the shops to get the things DH needed, then feed the kids before taking them back out for swimming lesspns. DH had emptied dishwasher cooked dinner and did some laundry but house was itherwise not tidied (not a huge mess but like curtains not fully opened, counters not wiped down, toys on floor etc.) So I had to do that after I got back. At that point I was wrecked and just wanted an hour to myself upstairs, DH had went for a bath while I was cleaning so when he came down I said to him to entertain the boys so I could get an hour to myself but instead he fell asleep on couch so the boys were up to me within 10 mins. I confronted DH but he said he can't help being tired then announced he was going to bed leaving me to do bedtime alone.
This morning when I got us all up at 5 he kind of apologised but it was like "sorry you didn't get a rest yday" no actually taking responsibility but I left it go (or pretended to because I didn't want to ruin the day for him). Today I have a full on day with 6 year olds who have been up since 5 so are in bad form and I know tomorrow DH will be useless so I'm j7st not going to get any break this weekend. I have no family support. I know single mums do this all the time so I shouldn't complain but just feel taken for granted.

“Sorry I can’t manage to get the shopping, suggest you use whoosh/deliveroo/local alternative” honestly OP you are taking a ton of stuff on yourself then complaining about it in my view. Also he gets a taxi to his hike start.

A short and sharp ‘no’ would do the trick I imagine. I also wonder as this man was off did he have a meal ready them all? I bet not. Shit dad alert.

Exactly, tough luck, he doesn’t need to drink. He just needs to drive himself or get a train and cab.

Neurodiverse is not a reason for behaving badly to your partner. I'd have told him to get himself there and I was not driving him anywhere at 5 am after his behaviour.

Book a weekend for yourself away doing something you enjoy and leave him in charge

Nothing will change unless you change your response.

Yaba putting up with it selfish lazy prick having 3 children must be draining

The entire thing is on you. You didn't have to do ANY of it.

Do you do anything in the year where you are written off for 2 days? Maybe you should make some plans- spa day and drinks with friends once a year or something, yanbu this would annoy me especially since its HIS hobby and he knows he will be useless for 2 days he should be doing everything he can to make your day before and the 2 days he is out of action more relaxing imo.

He sounds very selfish taking a week's annual leave when the children are at school. Most parents with school-age kids save their leave and take it during the school holidays.

You're aren't being unreasonable to be cross that he expected you to do everything after you finished work on Friday when he'd had all day to do stuff. but went to bed instead. Couldn't he have got an Uber to take him to the starting point, rather than making you and your children get up so early?

WTF did I read? He is an adult, a parent and you are treating him like a child. You are not his mum or his support human. Tell him to grow up.

They do have 6 year old twin boys!

Read your post and think about how that could have worked out with you feeling less put upon. Maybe start with not getting small children up at a ridiculous hour and go on from there.

This.

I'm ND but I manage to look after myself and my son. Your H obviously knows he has a second mummy to look after him and follow his instructions without complaint.

Yes all that WTAF. What’s the story about the week’s leave where he does F all.

As I single mum I have no choice but to do the kind of things you have described by myself. I think you are rightfully pissed off that your husband dumped everything on you for 3 days as you shouldn't be expected to do it all alone with a partner in the home.

Yes OP your DH is being selfish, but I can’t
help thinking that you’ve contributed to this being the status quo.
Sounds like he’s weaponising his ND (quite happy in a noisy pub but can’t handle the shop?).
An easy way to get him to understand your view is if you go away for the best part of a weekend but don’t do any preparation for him beforehand. Then he’ll surely see that the right thing for him to do is to do some preparation before he does.
My husband was away the other weekend and before he went he did the food shop, did the house work, and prepared the first evening meal for us. He does this because I do the same when I go away.

OP please stop martying yourself because I guarantee he is not noticing what you are doing.

I'm weirdly nervous about raising things with him because although he never loses his temper he can go really quiet and feel "off" with me for a long time when he's mad that makes the energy in the house feel horrible. But I did say it to him this evening because he was asking me to go to the shop again. I told him that il no longer be running errands for him when he it's inconvenient for me and he can easily do it himself. If he's off and I'm working I expect that he will go to the shop/post office himself. He seemed annoyed initially but actually seems OK this evening (though I had taken the kids off to the park for a few hours so he was prob happy about that)

OP you need to ignore his silly little
moods. This is how women end up giving away so much of themselves, just to keep the peace. Ignore him when he’s like that.

Also for the love of God, don’t get everyone up at 5am to drop him off!!!

I had 2 under 6 yo, and he still got all his stuff done for 26 miles. Never had any impact on family life plus dog went with him on his training walks at 5am! Dog slept for most of the day, and for that I was truly grateful.

This male wants to be awarded a gold medal for doing all his stuff and being "mummied" by his wife. She will not be getting the gold medal although she did more than him.

I am glad you told him that @Plasticflowerduck - that is the first step to him becoming the H you deserve.

Dont ever back down, you are worth more than the dregs he is offering you. And then him giving you the "silent treatment" when you DARE to voice how you feel? What an absolute shite of a man, and a TERRIBLE role model for your children.

Edit - meant to add, there was a thread on here recently about an utterly selfish oaf of a man poncing off for 3 months cycling round Africa for "charity" (yeah, right) to plaudits and pats on the back from other idiots thinking he is great for leaving his wife to cope with 3 young kids (and expected to support him too!) Your H is of the same ilk and I could see him doing the same. Selfish to the core.

OP read that last post back. You seemed relieved that he has accepted he has to run his own errands….is your relationship what you would want for your daughter? Would you be happy she found a man who punishes her with “off” moods if she raised an inequality? Is that healthy? Is it fair? He’s clearly not worried about upsetting you but you’re tying yourself up in knots to keep him sweet. What a prick he is.

Act like a mug, be treated like a mug OP.

Exactly, and all this time OP has been a real doormat it seems. He doesn’t pull his weight at all. Correct me if I’m wrong OP. Men should be cooking and cleaning the same as their partners. Do favours and be considerate and kind to each other. Some men are on the lowest rung behaving like they’re still out hunting all day while the wife keeps the home fires burning. Pathetic of them and they wonder why there’s male loneliness epidemic and high divorce rate.