7am and DH arguing with me already

[NeverGetADayOff]

My DH has just left in a massive huff. He is going out for the day with DC2.

Context: I have 2 jobs, have DC to look after, a needy elderly relative and am studying at the moment. I am very busy and very tired. I've had a very rough 6 months.

Today, I sort of have a day off. I have some errands to run, and I have to do some studying, but it should be OK. I was lying in bed watching the news and DH came in and reminded me that there is a workman coming over today to mock up some plans. He wants to do this and that in the house and I have to decide what I want etc. He wants wooden floors in the bedroom and it renovated. I told my DH I do not want to spend 25K renovating a couple of bedrooms.

My reasons are: We put our house on the market before covid and it had not appreciated in value at all after 7 years as it was clearly an overpriced new build when we bought it. Also, we like our house, but it is not everyone's cup of tea. First time round, no one was interested. Secondly, my youngest is going to uni next year, and I don't see a long term future in this massive house. Finally, I have moved around a lot in my life (moved up and down the country and abroad a few times) and I have no attachment to this area or this house. It is not my home town, and if I was asked to leave the day after my DC2 went to uni, either in the UK or abroad, I would. This is not what I said to my DH, I just said I don't want to spend 25K on a couple of bedrooms until I was sure the house had appreciated and it wasn't money down the toilet.

So I am standing in the kitchen at 0700 on my day off trying to get a cup of coffee and he comes in the kitchen and starts ranting that he will cancel the workman and he's all agitated. I didn't raise my voice but I did say something like "OMG, it is 7am and you are on my case already. I said I will talk to the workman, I will do it and see what he says. It is just that I want to see where our house is at before we spend that". He carried on so I said "OMG you have literally ruined my day. I was looking forward to getting some stuff done and a bit of chilling on a rare day off and you are on my back at the crack of dawn".

Honestly, it is like having a stroppy manager who is on your back the second you walk through the door at work with you standing there with sleep in your eyes and a Starbucks in your hand.

Also, he presents things as a joint decision, but if I say hmm, what about this, he gets annoyed as really, he wants his own way.

It wasn't a shouting match or anything, but I was so looking forward to today, and now he has made me feel anxious, stressed and I want to cry.

Who IBU

There are clearly multiple issues here but there is no point in spending£25k on flooring for two rooms when you have two jobs and are studying. It clearly shows money is tight as you can’t afford one job and studying.
It will make no difference to the resale value of the house either.

It will make no difference to the resale value of the house either

This is my point. I don't think we will stay here long term, maybe another 5 years max. It is not a house I will grow old in.

I have 2 p/t jobs. We are financially OK, we can afford it, but I think it is stupid money putting cupboards and a wooden floor in a bedroom. I would like to paint the room, and tweak it a bit. Any spare money we have I would like to keep and invest for the future.

You both sound over dramatic to be honest.

Let him cancel the workmen. That is a waste of money.

The biggest problem is why workmen are even booked to come over when you don't both agree you want the work done.

You sound incredibly stressed and burnt out and I think you snapped at your DH because he happened to be the straw that broke the camels back.

First off, who wants wooden floors in a bedroom? Cold in winter, and if upstairs they will be noisy downstairs.

Also the phrase "you have ruined my day" is one frequently used by my 9yo in the most ridiculous of situations and we find quite amusing. I cant imagine a grown adult using it seriously in this context. I think in these circumstances you should be grey rocking your husband and just enjoy your coffee.

Why isn't he there to see the workman if he's so keen on it? Yanbu

I know this all sounds like a storm in a tea cup, but it has really upset me. I usually just go along with whatever he wants to keep the peace, which obviously is not a good thing. We don't argue.

There is a reason for this. There have been a couple of times in our marriage where he has said "I don't want to be married anymore" and it was pretty awful when this happened. It usually follows me pushing back on something I don't like. Both times I was devastated and scared as I was a SAHM and it went on for a few months. We had small DC, then tweens. This is why I have 2 jobs, and study. I never want to feel that vulnerable again.

I'm sitting here thinking that I should have just gone "yes dear" as I don't need the stress of him being in a mood or pulling out the "not sure if I want to be married card" right now. I did tell myself that he has done this twice, and on the 3rd time I will 100% take him at his word and end it.

That is quite a jump from bedroom renovation to marriage issues.

You both sound a bit unreasonable- probably as others have said you are burnt out a bit. Perhaps you could carve out time for a bit of a date night to reconnect?

I agree with you about the use of money. But I also wonder whether you listen to your DH’s point of view at all? Maybe he does like the house/area, etc? Maybe he has valid reasons for wanting to do the place up? That’s not to say that you should spend £25k on it but perhaps you could find a compromise.

In any case your reaction was childish and turned the temperature up needlessly. He really didn’t “ruin your day” but it is possible that you did that yourself.

From the sounds of your update, it sounds like you shouldn’t really be married at all. What a mess. Your poor kids living in this.

Not the point of the thread but what on earth are you doing to spend £25k renovating a couple of bedrooms? Does that include building an en suite? (Which might add value to your home)

It is your rare day off. You could at least have slept in, but you didn’t and as soon as he opened his mouth to demand things, your brain didn’t get to have a rest either. It’s like a stress on button.

No ensuite.

That is exactly my point. It is madness.

I wanted to sleep in but he stood over the bed and started going on about workmen and I have to decide what I want today. I didn't even know anything about it.

I got up because I was getting "are you staying in bed all day" vibes and I felt lazy. Like I said, sometimes I feel like one of his staff caught chatting.

Do you actually see yourself growing old with him? how is the day to day relationship like? Spending £25K on renovating 2 rooms is bonkers. you can have a whole house renovation for that amount.

How many hours are you doing in your 2 jobs and studying?

last thread saw like this, the “2 jobs” one was 3hrs a week wfh in the evening- the other 2hrs on a weekend!

Do you want to be married to someone who stands over your bed and berates you on your one day off?

It is madness. And arranging a workman for you to deal with on your day off I feel was a deliberate way to control your time. He has also threatened to leave twice. Where you unemployed both times? Has he ever said it while you have been working?

I think you need to tell him that the £25k needs ti be put aside for marriage counselling and possible divorce as you are fed up of being treated like staff and him kicking off if you ever voice an opinion different to his.

You need to mean it, the shift in power dynamic may shock him into realising he’s being a dick or you may realise that you do need to separate.

I don't think there's a clear right or wrong here.
If the workman is booked to be there today, then the conversation between you does need to happen- you need to decide what you are asking for so he knows what he's quoting for.
But the main question is, why is the workman coming when you're undecided what you want- did he book the workman to come? And if so, where is he off to with DC today, that is more important than dealing with the workman he arranged?
I wouldn't want to spend lots on renovations that don't improve the house/value, but you also said that you'd move out as soon as your youngest leaves but you haven't told DH that, why haven't you told him that? It's pretty important and relevant if he's thinking that he wants the house made exactly as youd like for long term, while you can't wait to get out of there.

Just needs a calm sit down to see where you both stand, and make a long term plan together. I don't think he's being overly awful, just sounds like you're very busy and stressed.

Job 1 3 days a week, leave 0715, get back 1915 - long commute
Job 2 - one day a week
Studying is for job 2. I have done 2 qualifications for it, and now on my 3rd. It started 01 May and so far I have spent about 7 hours on it. I need to spend about 5 hours on it this weekend as I am working 6 days out of 7 next week.

This shit reminds me how great it is to be single / single parent !

How much ‘looking after’ do your dc need if dc2 is 17/18?