7am and DH arguing with me already

[NeverGetADayOff]

My DH has just left in a massive huff. He is going out for the day with DC2.

Context: I have 2 jobs, have DC to look after, a needy elderly relative and am studying at the moment. I am very busy and very tired. I've had a very rough 6 months.

Today, I sort of have a day off. I have some errands to run, and I have to do some studying, but it should be OK. I was lying in bed watching the news and DH came in and reminded me that there is a workman coming over today to mock up some plans. He wants to do this and that in the house and I have to decide what I want etc. He wants wooden floors in the bedroom and it renovated. I told my DH I do not want to spend 25K renovating a couple of bedrooms.

My reasons are: We put our house on the market before covid and it had not appreciated in value at all after 7 years as it was clearly an overpriced new build when we bought it. Also, we like our house, but it is not everyone's cup of tea. First time round, no one was interested. Secondly, my youngest is going to uni next year, and I don't see a long term future in this massive house. Finally, I have moved around a lot in my life (moved up and down the country and abroad a few times) and I have no attachment to this area or this house. It is not my home town, and if I was asked to leave the day after my DC2 went to uni, either in the UK or abroad, I would. This is not what I said to my DH, I just said I don't want to spend 25K on a couple of bedrooms until I was sure the house had appreciated and it wasn't money down the toilet.

So I am standing in the kitchen at 0700 on my day off trying to get a cup of coffee and he comes in the kitchen and starts ranting that he will cancel the workman and he's all agitated. I didn't raise my voice but I did say something like "OMG, it is 7am and you are on my case already. I said I will talk to the workman, I will do it and see what he says. It is just that I want to see where our house is at before we spend that". He carried on so I said "OMG you have literally ruined my day. I was looking forward to getting some stuff done and a bit of chilling on a rare day off and you are on my back at the crack of dawn".

Honestly, it is like having a stroppy manager who is on your back the second you walk through the door at work with you standing there with sleep in your eyes and a Starbucks in your hand.

Also, he presents things as a joint decision, but if I say hmm, what about this, he gets annoyed as really, he wants his own way.

It wasn't a shouting match or anything, but I was so looking forward to today, and now he has made me feel anxious, stressed and I want to cry.

Who IBU

Who spends £25k decorating bedrooms in a new build? madness

But we don’t know what the husband’s take on this is. Is he frustrated by lack of input into change?
Perhaps you do need to divorce, neither of you sounds happy.

Barcelonna why do you and so many other women on MN like OP put up with these men?
You make jokes about it and say how you deal/train them with their behaviour like they are an animal. I just don't understand why waste your one life with such idiots?

After your update about how your DH organises your day off, compared to how he spends his weekends, it’s pretty clear he does treat you as staff. And I would be absolutely pissed off if DH started hectoring me at 7am.
Sounds pretty miserable TBH. It’s extremely stressful to live under the sort of emotional blackmail he’s been throwing at you. No wonder you’re feeling burned out. It’s no way to live.

I agree.
Also why waste £25,000 on a house when the marriage looks like it won’t last much longer.
Both of you are unhappy.

I don’t put up with him Alice. When he starts he becomes background noise. He’s still doing it so I haven’t trained him, nor do I think of him like an animal. I overreact to some things, which he knows and accepts. None of us is perfect.

You are both over stretched and operating separately.

This is very common in relationships with children.

You need to make an agreement to be very calm before you make these decisions and discuss it within a warm and positive house meeting, the two of you. With the understanding that you’ll both listen to each others points and there may not be a final decision.

you need to understand hyperbole and how arguments escalate and try to avoid this - relate has some good resources. Only then will any discussion not spiral into drama

for yourself, just work on very calm non dramatic phrases. Look up how to be assertive rather than passive agressive or agressive. It’s actually quite a tricky skill to learn.

I get you. My partner can be a bit like sometimes. It is normally when he is stressed about something and he says silly things. I read something recently about people that have childhood issues or difficulties thry haven't dealt with. When they get stressed basically this inner child comes out. The 'you've ruined my day etc'. In my case we are talking about a man with a very senior job in a global company. I just cometely ignore it, then he normally realises he has been a dick and apologises.

He can be the micro-manager. Again, I literally just ignore him or engage superficially. In both cases my behaviour change indicate to him he is going there. Rather than me pointing it out then leading to an argument.

With the bedrooms. Don't disagree, by saying we are not spending all that money. Say, yes I think they could do with sprucing up. I have seen some similar things or have some other ideas. Shall we take a look? If you were excited about something and he replied like that, you'd be a bit annoyed. I also get when you are at your mental load and they make their thing the priority!! Argh!!! He should stay home for the builder but I would rather recieve the builder and have a day to myself!

I have started saying my piece more instead of agreeing for an easy life. You'll find this behaviour will improve. I know all these people on mumsnet have these wonderful husbands and don't argue etc. People can be dicks, I am probably really annoying and we don't live together in perfect harmony.

Go back up and say shall we start our day again?

That is quite a jump from bedroom renovation to marriage issues.

Well as usual, the argument isn't about what the argument is about. The real issues are far deeper. He makes you feel insecure, he doubts your marriage, he deliberately arranges appointments to fuck with your day and stop you having your life.

The bedroom renovations are a symptom. Look at the cause.

@Dogstar78 explains it well Alice.

Based on what I see on MN, many women set their standards so low with partner choices.

I get it. We think that annoying controlling behaviour is acceptable because we love someone and that we can handle it, even maybe change it.

One day we will wake up and realise we don't need a controlling partner, those initial concerns about controlling behaviour will be all that is left of our relationship when we hit middle age.

I'm sorry you are in this relationship, you deserve better.

You are trying to do too much. Your lives are needlessly stressful. Have I read it right that you have a 2 year old aswell as a late teen going to Uni? Slow down, breathe, treasure this time with your kids. Delay the studying a bit.
I totally agree about not spending £25k on the house. Spend it on a few amazing holidays.
Don’t let DH ruin your day today, take a walk, forget the chores and have a rethink about how to simplify your life.

Scrap the house reno unless the floors need it and are in a mess.
Decide what to do with this relationship which he manipulates when you disagree and why bother living somewhere you do not like.
His threat of divorce did you glaze over it or pander?
Kids are off, why arent you!
F this.

Can you tell him your day off is sacrosanct and anything he wants doing is to be done on his day off or he’s to us AL? There’s no way I’d tolerate this, unless eg my DH’s car broke down and I was waiting in for the AA which I did one day.

This!
He's keeping you wrong footed, so you can never relax. You daren't tell him what you think when you disagree with him in case he threatens to leave.
You are working two jobs and studying, and this is the day he organised a workman to come round -and buggers off to let you deal with it! He's absolutely doing it on purpose, he is letting you know that when he says jump, you say how high.
You will never be able to relax and have the life you want with this man.
He will always undermine you.
How are your finances sorted? Whose name is the house in? It sounds like you didn't even want to buy it in the first place.
You really need to find a day without him when you can take a breath and think about what YOU want. Is this how you see the rest of your life? Who can you talk to about this? Anyone in your family?

That's good that you deal with it in a positive way. I was referring to some MNers who say "I've got him trained" - doesn't mean they think of their h as an animal but training good behaviour like one would an animal.
But I do wonder why women like, OP for example, put up with it, nasty behaviour, bullying and the rest of it. Then, worse still, make excuses for it and bleat on here how awful their h /p is but knock back suggestions for leaving said person.

this. If he wants a workman over, he has to be there unless you and he agree that the workman is needed and you agree to be responsible for it including booking a time to suit you. I know material and tradesman prices have rocketed but 25k to put a wood floor in one room???????on what planet?

Hmm you do seem to be quite dramatic , with your OMGs and you've ruined my day comments, it's a bit much. Your two jobs plus study equates to most people's work/commute time with a few hours study on top, you don't have young children, so burn out seems a bit of a stretch.
If you were going to study then go into town later and the builder is due at 12 surely that works? Study this morning see the builder then go into town. Once you have a quote you can discuss if you think it's worth it for the work or not.

Completely agree.

On his weekends off my DH will be on the sofa watching sport for most of it.

On my day(s) off I am expected to do chores, deal with workmen and cook lavish meals. @NeverGetADayOff

Op he doesn't respect you as an equal.

Stop doing laish meals on your days off.

Don't tell him when you have a day off.

I mean, it's not really a day off if you're still parenting and studying is it so it won't be untrue.

@Jk987
Where does it say the OP has a two year old? She says her youngest is just going to university. Quite an advanced two year old!

Yanbu at all

I don’t quite get why the workmen are coming (what is a workman, someone to come and do a quote or is someone actually coming to fit the new floor) if you haven’t agreed. If you haven’t and he has arranged them anyway then he is totally out of line

I think you have too much on your plate. Your dh being one of them.

Good contribution, you’ve successfully proven that you’re exceedingly hard working and the op is a part time light weight with no pension plans 🙄

Btw we are are half way through getting wooden floors (well laminate, far more durable) and the cost for both is under £5k

My ex was like this: I'd get up every morning and he living room would be a fucking pigsty in spite of my tidying it the day before.

I used to get up really early in the hope of having an hour to come round with a few coffees in peace before getting ready for work.
It would be a barrage of bullshit before I even opened my eyes.
Fucking unbearable.

When I eventually left ( no children, thankfully) the obnoxious messy git, I really savoured getting up to a tidy room and being able to enjoy a few coffees in peace.

If you can't enjoy the simple pleasures, why be with them?
Sometimes life is tough and little pleasures are all we've got!

On this basis, I'd say leave the bustard. Especially now your children have grown up and there's no good reason to endure it for their sake.