7am and DH arguing with me already

[NeverGetADayOff]

My DH has just left in a massive huff. He is going out for the day with DC2.

Context: I have 2 jobs, have DC to look after, a needy elderly relative and am studying at the moment. I am very busy and very tired. I've had a very rough 6 months.

Today, I sort of have a day off. I have some errands to run, and I have to do some studying, but it should be OK. I was lying in bed watching the news and DH came in and reminded me that there is a workman coming over today to mock up some plans. He wants to do this and that in the house and I have to decide what I want etc. He wants wooden floors in the bedroom and it renovated. I told my DH I do not want to spend 25K renovating a couple of bedrooms.

My reasons are: We put our house on the market before covid and it had not appreciated in value at all after 7 years as it was clearly an overpriced new build when we bought it. Also, we like our house, but it is not everyone's cup of tea. First time round, no one was interested. Secondly, my youngest is going to uni next year, and I don't see a long term future in this massive house. Finally, I have moved around a lot in my life (moved up and down the country and abroad a few times) and I have no attachment to this area or this house. It is not my home town, and if I was asked to leave the day after my DC2 went to uni, either in the UK or abroad, I would. This is not what I said to my DH, I just said I don't want to spend 25K on a couple of bedrooms until I was sure the house had appreciated and it wasn't money down the toilet.

So I am standing in the kitchen at 0700 on my day off trying to get a cup of coffee and he comes in the kitchen and starts ranting that he will cancel the workman and he's all agitated. I didn't raise my voice but I did say something like "OMG, it is 7am and you are on my case already. I said I will talk to the workman, I will do it and see what he says. It is just that I want to see where our house is at before we spend that". He carried on so I said "OMG you have literally ruined my day. I was looking forward to getting some stuff done and a bit of chilling on a rare day off and you are on my back at the crack of dawn".

Honestly, it is like having a stroppy manager who is on your back the second you walk through the door at work with you standing there with sleep in your eyes and a Starbucks in your hand.

Also, he presents things as a joint decision, but if I say hmm, what about this, he gets annoyed as really, he wants his own way.

It wasn't a shouting match or anything, but I was so looking forward to today, and now he has made me feel anxious, stressed and I want to cry.

Who IBU

Ring the workman and cancel. It's really shitty to waste his time when it hasn't been agreed the work will be done. (It's also really shitty of your DH to book workman for you to speak to you, on your day off, without asking you.)

Don't spend the money. Maybe your marriage will survive; maybe it won't; but I'd wait to see where you are after you've completed your studies before wasting money on a house that's at already at the top end of it's price bracket.

Not saying the OP is perfect but the bottom line is she is dealing with a disagreeable and unreasonable DH and has less agency as a result.

Having first hand experience of this sort of behaviour I’d say these type never change. It’s up to the OP if she wants to live the rest of her life like this.

I agree. I can't get past him saying this. I couldn't be with him. Control freak

Agreed.

Your husband seems to want you permanently stressed and tired with no opportunity to rest. I suspect it's so that you will just comply with his latest demand. He uses 'I want out of this marriage' comments, to control you and keep you in line.

Essentially your husband is a nasty controlling bully. You push back on any level and he creates an atmosphere, sulks, goes off in a huff and causes a row...all to wear you down, until you back down and agree.

Spending £25K on renovating two bedrooms, is utterly ridiculous. You will never recoup that money back, when you come to sell it. Of course your husband should have never booked workmen to come over, when there wasn't a joint decision made. Spending £25K is a huge sum of money to be spending on a house, and it should be a joint decision. However, your husband isn't really interested in your opinion, he just wants his own way, and for you to be the obedient little woman.

You say that you have one child off to university, so I'm guessing he/she should be 18? How old is your other child? How much longer will you be studying for? Honestly, I would divorce him. He's awful. Depending on your circumstances, you may feel you need to bide your time, until you're in a better position. I wouldn't want to stay with this man, once the children were past 18 or into my old age.

Women looking after children annoys you and you don't think that's someone's job? Also not a financial contribution?
I get where you are coming from the paid employment is tiring too. No need to disturb a parents rest though. How is she supposed to recharge?!

OP. Kindly, you need to end this relationship and get away from this man. No one needs this.

The more I read the more I dislike your DH! He wants you to drive 40 min on your day off for u to get him his special eggs?! But he lazes around all day, on his days off?! Just no.

I bet if you said to him oh no I don’t think 25k to improve the bedrooms the way you’re suggesting, is the best way financially (which u did), but then u came up with another more sensible home improvement, which would be more financially astute, that he would shoot down the idea straight away cause it was yours, and not his? As he thinks he’s the boss. It looks like this, and I’m guessing hes always been the same?

Sounds like more of a manager/PA relationship, than marriage from his end. You need to keep pushing back OP, no more ‘errands’ for him on your day off, hes off on a Saturday, things are all open then, suggest he starts doing these errands, himself, then. If there is no compromise his end, you need to start thinking about the future of your relationship

I was thinking as I read this post, I would say "No, neither do I, let's get the house on the market without wasting any more money on it"

Nah. They both sound tired and stressed.

That is quite a jump from bedroom renovation to marriage issues.
@NeverGetADayOff it's never about the presenting issue is it. The reason what should have been a discussion between adults deteriorated into a full on row is underlying tensions in your relationship.

The workman was smack bang in the middle of the day 12pm. I was planning on getting my course work done, then going shopping in the city. I can't now.
Of course you can. Get your studying done this morning, see the workman at 12 (which won't take long), and go shopping after lunch.

I have to say (gently) that you are starting to sound like a sulky teenager now.

On his weekends off my DH will be on the sofa watching sport for most of it.
On my day(s) off I am expected to do chores, deal with workmen and cook lavish meals.

Well tbh this is how marriages work; if one partner has time on a weekday then they usually pick up this kind of task. But if it's too much, stop doing them. Just say "oh, I'm sorry, I've arranged to meet friend today , you'll have to cancel". Or get the phone number and cancel it yourself.

Going back to my earlier point about underlying tensions, it feels like you aren't happy with the power balance in your relationship. Maybe that's something to think about?

Absolutely.
I’ve responded with fuck off / have ignored mine / deliberately defied his wishes. Assertiveness is the key to redress the power balance.
A good male friend of mine, a propos of nothing, advised me to always delay when meeting my husband, to make him wait, to make him think and fully appreciate me. I’ve done this when my DH wanted me to adhere to his time schedule - a bit like your DH with his pressure to get you out of bed at 7am. Now mine accepts I’m ready when I’m ready.
The next time yours plans one of your days off, pack up and go out for hours. He won’t do it again.
If you hear the “I don’t want to be married anymore” agree wholeheartedly and immediately start talking about division of assets. It’ll take the wind out of his sails.

Totally agree. I was fortunate enough not to have children with the ex who was like this, but leaving is a chore.
What kept me going was an image of sitting in a clean, tidy living room that the prick hadn't trashed overnight by tossing wrappers etc everywhere in peace enjoying the first few coffees of the day.

This image really helped.

He was a messy bustard. Couldn't even pick his dirty clothes off the floor.

Glad to say last I heard he never found anyone else to inflict himself on.

He sounds annoying. Does he have any empathy? Or is it all about him all the time?

I can understand how he ruined your day. Both by how he behaves and with the workmen landing into your schedule. He sounds a pain to live with.

I'm sitting here thinking that I should have just gone "yes dear" as I don't need the stress of him being in a mood or pulling out the "not sure if I want to be married card" right now. I did tell myself that he has done this twice, and on the 3rd time I will 100% take him at his word and end it.

No need to paint yourself into a corner. Now you've set yourself that limit it's made you more afraid to argue in case he says it again. If you want to argue with him you can. And you can decide about leaving him anytime, whatever he has or hasn't said this time.

I don't think this is a storm in a teacup at all. It is symptomatic of the low esteem your DH holds you in, and his lack of respect for you. His efforts to organise your time on your day off also point that way.

Spending £25k renovating two rooms in a newly built house is utterly stupid. You know that, obviously. However, your DH sounds like he has more money than sense.

I'd be telling him this, and if he came out with the "I'm not sure I want to be married anymore" then I'd take him at his word with a "Good, I was just thinking the same" response.

My exH was like this, if I had a day off and planned to use it for me time then he would find a way to spoil it e.g. initiate a huge argument over something trivial so I would be upset the whole day rather than enjoying myself or doing something for me like getting my study work completed. He also used to create urgent workman appointments or deadlines co-incidentally on the day I had off. And he did the “if you don’t do what I want, I’m leaving” mind games too. I think its all about control with these men and mind games.

It was only when we were separating & I had a day off to sort things out, that I saw through his controlling games. He told me I needed to be in the house at midday because the plumber was coming to fix something we needed doing to sell the house. This meant I had to completely change my plans about viewing some new houses for me to move to. It was the only day and there was no other time & I had to be back otherwise my exh threatened to back out of some of the agreements we had made etc etc. But he left his email open & I needed to get the plumber number so I looked and saw that it had been him (my exh) telling the plumber that only that date & time would work. The plumber was suggesting other dates & times (early mornings before work) which suited much better. That was when it became really clear what he was doing.

I was lying in bed watching the news and DH came in and reminded me that there is a workman coming over today to mock up some plans.

There are obviously massive issues in your relationship but it sounds as though you caused the argument this morning.

You say he reminded you that the workman was coming over and so you must have known about it beforehand.
It was too late to have this conversation and expect him to cancel the workman who is using his Saturday and expecting the money from it.

I would be really annoyed if I had took time to book a workman to come and then my DH started saying they don’t want him to come and expected me to cancel him last minute.

You need to let the workman come, do his job and get paid for it and then ask him not to order anything until you discuss it with DH.
Then this evening, you need to discuss it fully with DH.

There needs to be a discussion about such big spends but it also seems as though you’d rather not spend any money on the house.
You both need to compromise.

@Warmlight1
Women looking after small children does not annoy me. Claiming to have childcare issues when the youngest is about to go to University, not so much. One poster invented a two year old for the OP.
It is a fact that the job market is getting harder and harder. Women who only decide to get a paid job after many years at home find it even harder. There is a long running thread on MN at the moment about older women looking for jobs.
It is a fact that although women statistically significantly outlive men, women in their fifties are much more likely to be economically inactive than their husbands. Look at the statistics.
Some MNers disparage and are disdainful towards the working partner (usually male) and being a man he is likely to work for many more years. Some women blame not working on being carers for university children and beyond or caring for their aged parents ( always her parents) whilst her husband supports her financially.
It's a tough old world out there. Marriage rates in the UK are at record lows and less than half of middle age women are married. A paying job ( not a hobby job) but one that pays the mortgage is increasingly important. Lots of you advise the OP to get divorced. At while the OP may prefer her independence, days off through being part time will become rarer.

He actually sounds pretty unbearable tbh.

Have you got a plan? For the future, I mean.

Sympathy and solidarity from me, OP. Spending 25k on unnecessary work that won’t improve and may actually reduce the house value is ridiculous.

But that’s not the main problem, is it? Your husband is childish and demanding. I don’t know if counselling would help him see this. It might be worth telling him you need to talk very seriously about these issues, because your marriage cannot continue like this. I wish I had some useful advice to offer xx

Are we reading the same thread? Or are you just one of those posters who likes to kick people when they're down?

It's plain that the DH has a history of doing this, the OP never gets a proper break and yes, the workmen coming has scuppered her plans for the day. She's scared of standing up to him as when she does, he threatens to leave the marriage, so he is controlling her pretty effectively.

She is not being petty, not at all.

A few points.

We live in a big house in a village, that takes a drive to the station to go to work in London and a drive to the station to commute to school.

My DH knows no one in my village/ nearest town, nor knows his way around. He commutes 1.5 hours into the city. Once my DC leave home we have no ties here whatsoever. In fact, up until now he has been talking about selling this house and getting a flat in London so he doesn't have to commute and another place on the coast, maybe somewhere country, where we may ultimately retire to. As far as I am concerned, this family home is an asset. It is my final home + some cash in the bank. It is our pension pot. When I have looked into selling it in the past, it had not appreciated at all.

I really do think that when my DH does his 3 hour commute a day, and comes home to just us in the house, that he will want to move. In fact, both my DC will be at Uni in London. I too have to commute there for one of my jobs.

I am not studying to improve my job prospects. I already have the job, but need to pass professional qualifications to keep it. They offer me more hours than I can give them.

He has a very successful career. He is a very successful manager. However, I am crippling under the high expectations he has. He is very fussy and particular. I am tired and weary.

For example, we have steak and chips once a week. He only wants certain steak from a certain butcher costing £15 each. They are tiny. When he is not around I go to Aldi for DC and I and we can't taste any difference. That is an obscene amount of money to spend on a bit of meat.

He will only eat chicken breasts. I can never buy a chicken, or thighs, even though DC and I prefer it.

2 years ago I lost 2 stone. So then he wanted me to help him. He has lost 3 stone. It is up to me to manage his diet. If he puts on any weight it is MY fault.

Then finally there is f*cking yoghurt-gate. He eats a 1KG tub of yoghurt a day. God help me if I buy a different brand or style. Yesterday I bought 6 x 1kg tubs of yoghurt. If there is no Skyr left I feel like I am going to get a written warning.

In fact, if I had an appraisal I would be told I am bordering being put on the "being managed" or whatever you call it at work when underperforming.

So confused by the info provided? In one post you say your youngest is going to university next year then in the next post say you have small children?!

How the hell does OP sound dramatic. If my H wanted to spend 25k on flooring for 2 bedrooms Id go ballistic and at 7am too.
She sounds sensible and rational to me.