7am and DH arguing with me already

[NeverGetADayOff]

My DH has just left in a massive huff. He is going out for the day with DC2.

Context: I have 2 jobs, have DC to look after, a needy elderly relative and am studying at the moment. I am very busy and very tired. I've had a very rough 6 months.

Today, I sort of have a day off. I have some errands to run, and I have to do some studying, but it should be OK. I was lying in bed watching the news and DH came in and reminded me that there is a workman coming over today to mock up some plans. He wants to do this and that in the house and I have to decide what I want etc. He wants wooden floors in the bedroom and it renovated. I told my DH I do not want to spend 25K renovating a couple of bedrooms.

My reasons are: We put our house on the market before covid and it had not appreciated in value at all after 7 years as it was clearly an overpriced new build when we bought it. Also, we like our house, but it is not everyone's cup of tea. First time round, no one was interested. Secondly, my youngest is going to uni next year, and I don't see a long term future in this massive house. Finally, I have moved around a lot in my life (moved up and down the country and abroad a few times) and I have no attachment to this area or this house. It is not my home town, and if I was asked to leave the day after my DC2 went to uni, either in the UK or abroad, I would. This is not what I said to my DH, I just said I don't want to spend 25K on a couple of bedrooms until I was sure the house had appreciated and it wasn't money down the toilet.

So I am standing in the kitchen at 0700 on my day off trying to get a cup of coffee and he comes in the kitchen and starts ranting that he will cancel the workman and he's all agitated. I didn't raise my voice but I did say something like "OMG, it is 7am and you are on my case already. I said I will talk to the workman, I will do it and see what he says. It is just that I want to see where our house is at before we spend that". He carried on so I said "OMG you have literally ruined my day. I was looking forward to getting some stuff done and a bit of chilling on a rare day off and you are on my back at the crack of dawn".

Honestly, it is like having a stroppy manager who is on your back the second you walk through the door at work with you standing there with sleep in your eyes and a Starbucks in your hand.

Also, he presents things as a joint decision, but if I say hmm, what about this, he gets annoyed as really, he wants his own way.

It wasn't a shouting match or anything, but I was so looking forward to today, and now he has made me feel anxious, stressed and I want to cry.

Who IBU

How the f is it that the first point always nails it? Why? But yes, the first post always nails it.

Hadn't you and your DH talked about all this before arranging for a workman to come in on a Saturday to mock up some plans.

Why didn't you tell him last week that you didn't want to spend £25k on the bedrooms just now?

Or did he just spring this on you today?

@NeverGetADayOff on your day off make your own plans. If you're going out cancel the workmen. Or just lock up and go if you can't. Push back.

BTW in the EA industry they'll tell you a wooden floor in the bedroom devalues a property because women don't like them.

I mean this with kindness, but not a hope in hells chance would I be entertaining a man riling me up at 7am on my day off.

Spending 25k on a divorce and therapy would give you much more satisfaction than wooden floors @NeverGetADayOff

Is your husband no good at diy. Painting walls and laying floors is the absolute least a man should know how to do. The only thing I won’t do is water and electricity. Apart from changing sockets and taps new lights

Amazing how many people are missing the actual issue highlighted by OP's post. The main concern is not the ins and outs of DIY. It is the fact she is very likely married to a covert narcissist. I had one. So much better off as a single parent of 3 with minimal involvement from him. OP, look up covert narcissism and see if it rings any bells.

I have read all your answers. You are seriously being controlled.

I do not think you understand that or, maybe are so worn down by everything that all fight apart from this has left you. That tiny bit of fight is so good. Build on it.

It smacks that he may already be sensing that tiny bit of fight. He can no longer threaten you like he did when a SAHM. Only you can stop him having that level of control ever again.

You have two options.

The first is you bow down and accept what he wants and that is going to be your life going forward until the day one of you dies. He will continue to diminish you.

The second is to make a plan to leave him with all your ducks in a row i.e. consult a solicitor. Only you can do that.

Narcissists often have a partial or fluctuating awareness of their behaviour, rather than total ignorance or complete self-awareness. While they may not acknowledge having a disorder, they are generally aware of their actions such as manipulation, lying, or cruelty but justify them, blame others, or lack the empathy to care about the impact.

Take that little bit of fight you have left within you to make a new life for yourself. Your family will be fine x You will be fine.

Apparently several people either haven't read your posts, @NeverGetADayOff , or lack the comprehension skills to actually understand and process what you have said.

Your DH sounds like a manipulative and controlling arsehole.

Booking a workman to come on your day off without discussing it with you first.

Trying to railroad you into agreeing to a ridiculously expensive and unnecessary refurb.

Expecting lavish meals cooked on your day off.

Sulking and huffing around if you ever express an opinion that is different from his.

Twice threatening you with ending the marriage.

Honestly, I wouldn't wait for him to threaten a third time, I'd tell him I wanted out.

Imagine waking up in your own place, cooking and eating whatever you wanted, just doing whatever you wanted... bliss.

Do you really want to spend your working life fitting in around after him, and then all day every day of your retirement?

This is probably what you have heard before but:

Do you want to live your life as an underling?
Do you want to live your life as an equal?
What do you get out of this relationship?
Do you feel used?
How do you want to progress via your education?
How does he view your ambitions in life?
Do you feel like a slave to his ambitions?

There are obviously more questions to ask about your life and ambitions but this is only a beginning to set your mind off on its own orbit around your universe.

As so often on MN, my view is 'this man is a bona fideeeey controlling cunt who is half the man his woman is".

OP, why do you put up with this? You are worth so, so much more.

He sounds awful tbh. My ex would blame me for all his problems, have a massive freakout and tell me he didn't want to be with me any more. Both times he seemed genuinely surprised and devastated that I took him at his word. Anyway, I'm done with that. Twice was more than enough for me. I'm a big fan of calling bluffs - play stupid games win stupid prizes.

Next time, tell him you don't want to be married any more. He thinks he's a prize, OP, and he isn't.

Suggest you start planning a life without him if that’s how you feel. Why would you want to stay with him? What does he add to your life?

Having read all your posts, he actually sounds controlling and threatening. You’re treading on eggshells around him to keep the peace.

Why do you have to shop for him? Tell him to buy and cook his own food. If he wants steak from a particular butchers, he can get it himself. Just cook for you and DC.

OP this all sounds unsustainable - his expectations of you and how he treats you.

I think make it the hill the marriage can die on. If you saying no means he pulls the let's get divorced card for a third time, I say go with it.

The food shops and meals etc - why can't he do any of it?! Why can't you buy a full chicken, give him the breast and the rest of you eat the other parts. He sounds very very demanding and controlling and the fact he's not as ott as his mother about it means you've been allowing it like a boiled frog. 😢

Start putting YOUR wants and needs first op. Cook what you and kids want. Ask HIM to buy the bloody yogurts. (Btw HOW is he eating that much yoghurt every day?!).

It sounds like you would happily live a very different life and home than the one he has you shoe horned into.

The description of what potential buyers liked/didn't like about your home for example - what would your ideal home and home life be like? Because I can tell that this isn't it.

You only get one life OP, and it sounds like you’ve spent a lot of it ‘working’ for him already. Time to become entrepreneurial and strike out on your own? Unless you already plan to do that but are hanging on for DC2 to be in Uni? Yes there will be less money starting up by yourself, but so much more freedom in being your own ‘boss’!

I've only read your updates OP. It sounds like your husband is mentally ill & you are carrying the can. He needs help.

He hates you and he's deliberately fucking with any very rare downtime that you have. You know that, right?

You need to be honest with him about your feelings regarding the house. While it's not ok for people to be rude to their spouse, I would be frustrated and embarassed if I'd organised a workman to come round and my partner then sid they didn't want the work done. Whether it's his fault because he booked it without discussing it with you properly, or your fault for giving him false impressions of your plans, it's not the work man's fault and he might well be upset at wasting his time. Just tell your husband how you feel, and discuss together what you want.

Your DH shouldn't have commissioned the builder if you had not reached a consensus about the work.

difficult to know what to suggest but it sounds like your marriage is in trouble.

why are you letting him boss you around, tell him to buy his own eggs, for a start!

Sorry. You really need to start researching into how best to leave this person. He's a health-hazard. He may even have your life off you. Leave him.
Life can be beautiful.

How you schedule your time is up to you. If he makes appointments for things that happen in your time then he has to be there. Go and do your own stuff. If he isn't there for workmen/service engineers etc that he has arranged without your input, that is his problem not yours. Full Stop.

Painting walls and laying floors is the absolute least a man should know how to do

(side issue to OP, I know, but -) Out of interest, are there minimum requirements for women?
I absolutely couldn't adequately lay a floor, but I can cater for 20+ or make you a dress out of a piece of fabric.

He's way too important to be doing a trades or housekeeping job doncha know.

"I usually just go along with whatever he wants to keep the peace, which obviously is not a good thing. We don't argue"

Well that's why you don't argue. He's trained you to always aquiesce and give in to whatever he wants. You are not allowed to assert yourself or have an opinion which differs from his.