7am and DH arguing with me already

[NeverGetADayOff]

My DH has just left in a massive huff. He is going out for the day with DC2.

Context: I have 2 jobs, have DC to look after, a needy elderly relative and am studying at the moment. I am very busy and very tired. I've had a very rough 6 months.

Today, I sort of have a day off. I have some errands to run, and I have to do some studying, but it should be OK. I was lying in bed watching the news and DH came in and reminded me that there is a workman coming over today to mock up some plans. He wants to do this and that in the house and I have to decide what I want etc. He wants wooden floors in the bedroom and it renovated. I told my DH I do not want to spend 25K renovating a couple of bedrooms.

My reasons are: We put our house on the market before covid and it had not appreciated in value at all after 7 years as it was clearly an overpriced new build when we bought it. Also, we like our house, but it is not everyone's cup of tea. First time round, no one was interested. Secondly, my youngest is going to uni next year, and I don't see a long term future in this massive house. Finally, I have moved around a lot in my life (moved up and down the country and abroad a few times) and I have no attachment to this area or this house. It is not my home town, and if I was asked to leave the day after my DC2 went to uni, either in the UK or abroad, I would. This is not what I said to my DH, I just said I don't want to spend 25K on a couple of bedrooms until I was sure the house had appreciated and it wasn't money down the toilet.

So I am standing in the kitchen at 0700 on my day off trying to get a cup of coffee and he comes in the kitchen and starts ranting that he will cancel the workman and he's all agitated. I didn't raise my voice but I did say something like "OMG, it is 7am and you are on my case already. I said I will talk to the workman, I will do it and see what he says. It is just that I want to see where our house is at before we spend that". He carried on so I said "OMG you have literally ruined my day. I was looking forward to getting some stuff done and a bit of chilling on a rare day off and you are on my back at the crack of dawn".

Honestly, it is like having a stroppy manager who is on your back the second you walk through the door at work with you standing there with sleep in your eyes and a Starbucks in your hand.

Also, he presents things as a joint decision, but if I say hmm, what about this, he gets annoyed as really, he wants his own way.

It wasn't a shouting match or anything, but I was so looking forward to today, and now he has made me feel anxious, stressed and I want to cry.

Who IBU

Honestly I think you were being unreasonable. He obviously has ideas in mind for your home, and was excited about them enough to arrange to get a workman round. Your approach was to shut it down with literally no consideration of him or his wants at all, and then get huffy about what he’s trying to do. Basically you could have been way more considerate. He didn’t consider you or your needs when setting this up, and you didn’t consider him or his needs when you shut it down. You need to work on the communication with him. He’s not necessarily wrong to do what he did, but the whole argument would have been avoided if you’d both been communicating proactively and respectfully from the start.

One of the best pieces of advice for marriage that I’ve heard is that if you need to make your marriage nicer, be nicer. It brings out the best in your partner, or at the very least you can be sure in your own mind that you’ve been the best version of yourself.

OP, this situation doesn’t sound like a comfortable home life. 25k on floors and cupboards is ott. Can you get DH to delay the improvements - the renovations will interfere with studying etc. In the meantime get your qualification and then look at your options. By that stage, if you refuse the home improvements and he threatens divorce, you will be more secure with your qualification.

I agree I couldn’t deal with a man in my house nagging me

Have you tried laying a floor. I personally think everyone should have basic diy skills. My sister is great at diy. Something that should be taught in schools

You are not crazy (I mean, you know that, but just know you’re also not alone). This was the exact case; my exMIL was a very obvious narcissist. People who maybe don’t even know the term narcissism or anything about psychology would still say, “she’s… a bit different?” I’d often learn she changed the past to make herself look better, and tell stories that were borderline child neglect as if they were funny (example: how my exH was inconsolable at age 6, because he’d never been apart from her, and she suddenly left him with family so she could go on her honeymoon - she found it hilarious that he had to be “shipped” to her. The look on my face was like a comedy sketch of horror).

Like a lot of female narcissists, she could be charming and generous (when it benefited her) and loved playing the Lady Bountiful, so I’m not pretending she was just evil or selfish - narcissism is SO much more nuanced than that, as you know. The same woman who donated £5K to starving people two days ago would be screaming over something like me getting a different yoghurt brand… sound familiar, OP?

My exH seemed so quiet and calm and very different than her. It took me years to understand that there are narcissists who make no noise and use “calm” as a stick to beat others with (because then, when you’re naturally upset over their treatment of you, they tell you that you’re being irrational, you’re “destroying the calm,” that any human emotion is unacceptable).

This 7am incident you’ve had (from him starting in the second you awakened)? This didn’t cause marriage issues. You have marriage issues, and this small view into your life illustrates how those issues play out on a daily basis.

Ducks in a row, solicitor, divorce. I’m really sorry, OP, but if your husband’s argument style is based on a pathology he indirectly inherited from his mother, then I think couples’ therapy would just be lighting money on fire (others may have good reasons for disagreeing with me) and waiting any longer would be lighting yourself on fire.

Agree .
Op would be better of and happier being allowed a life and not controlled .

@NeverGetADayOff

This.

Yes, I've tried, with rather comical results 😂 I just don't have the right skills for that. Had to get my brother in law to put it right/finish it off. But you know, he couldn't make a dress, or translate from a number of languages. Horses for courses.

OP, he sounds like a horror. A complete bully who can't bear to see you not run ragged.
I also think he doesn't want money lying around that will give you and out.

I really think you have been in a controlling and emotionally abusive relationship for years. Is this really the future you want.

I think you say absolutely no to the money being spent this way and get legal advice and perhaps talk to Women's aid.

This is not normal. You are treated like a skivvy. This is so bad for your health. I doubt you really love him at this point. Would you like to live on your own somewhere urban and nearer work?

Start thinking seriously about it. Start gathering copies of finances to see how it would look. Transfer half of all savings into your account before you tell him anything. Tell the builder thanks and you will get back to him and knock it on the head. He doesn't want you leaving and thag is why he wants to put money into a house no one wants.

I feel for you OP - DH used to occasionally pull the “I’m leaving” card & it was bloody awful. DD17 is still affected by the one day that he was genuinely going to go (for the right reasons this time). They were both in tears when he dropped her at school & she was clinging to him apparently 😢

It doesn't sound as though he has enough money to do what he likes when he likes which is what he wants.

The renovations are a sticking plaster on a wounded relationship.

Sounds awful. Let him go. Flog the house, for less than you'd dream of. You both need to release the albatross and lead your own lives. You sound as though you are treading on eggshells and that must be awful fkr the children.

It sounds like your marriage is in massive trouble from the way you speak about your husband - you also seem to working towards a breakaway plan by studying and working two jobs.
I think your husband is mad to consider spending £25K on two bedrooms full stop, let alone when you are not planning to stay in the property long term and you are not sure of the house value.
HOWEVER, do you have form for not objecting until the last minute? It sounds like you didn't verbalise your opinion until the day that the workman was coming to the house. My ex used to do this ALL THE TIME and I hate to admit but by the end of our marriage it would drive me into a rage, I would fly off of the handle and the ex would then say that they were too scared to give their opinion because I ALWAYS responded like this.