7am and DH arguing with me already

[NeverGetADayOff]

My DH has just left in a massive huff. He is going out for the day with DC2.

Context: I have 2 jobs, have DC to look after, a needy elderly relative and am studying at the moment. I am very busy and very tired. I've had a very rough 6 months.

Today, I sort of have a day off. I have some errands to run, and I have to do some studying, but it should be OK. I was lying in bed watching the news and DH came in and reminded me that there is a workman coming over today to mock up some plans. He wants to do this and that in the house and I have to decide what I want etc. He wants wooden floors in the bedroom and it renovated. I told my DH I do not want to spend 25K renovating a couple of bedrooms.

My reasons are: We put our house on the market before covid and it had not appreciated in value at all after 7 years as it was clearly an overpriced new build when we bought it. Also, we like our house, but it is not everyone's cup of tea. First time round, no one was interested. Secondly, my youngest is going to uni next year, and I don't see a long term future in this massive house. Finally, I have moved around a lot in my life (moved up and down the country and abroad a few times) and I have no attachment to this area or this house. It is not my home town, and if I was asked to leave the day after my DC2 went to uni, either in the UK or abroad, I would. This is not what I said to my DH, I just said I don't want to spend 25K on a couple of bedrooms until I was sure the house had appreciated and it wasn't money down the toilet.

So I am standing in the kitchen at 0700 on my day off trying to get a cup of coffee and he comes in the kitchen and starts ranting that he will cancel the workman and he's all agitated. I didn't raise my voice but I did say something like "OMG, it is 7am and you are on my case already. I said I will talk to the workman, I will do it and see what he says. It is just that I want to see where our house is at before we spend that". He carried on so I said "OMG you have literally ruined my day. I was looking forward to getting some stuff done and a bit of chilling on a rare day off and you are on my back at the crack of dawn".

Honestly, it is like having a stroppy manager who is on your back the second you walk through the door at work with you standing there with sleep in your eyes and a Starbucks in your hand.

Also, he presents things as a joint decision, but if I say hmm, what about this, he gets annoyed as really, he wants his own way.

It wasn't a shouting match or anything, but I was so looking forward to today, and now he has made me feel anxious, stressed and I want to cry.

Who IBU

Maybe it’s time you thought about whether you want to stay in this marriage. Don’t let him emotionally manipulate you any more.

It doesn't sound like you two are on the same page at all. Your post is full of your plans and visions, have you discussed any of this with him?

That sort of stress is really bad for you in the long run. You are at home, on a day off, and he doesn’t get to fill your to do list.

I do wonder what your husband’s take is on this. It sounds as if he was stressed by you being a SAHM. If your youngest is off to university he doesn’t need looking after. How long were you a SAHM. There is a big difference between 5 years pre school or was it a decade or more?
It is hard to live with someone who makes no effort with a home in terms of changing and modernising. Do you both talk to each other about your ideas or does he get fed up with vague suggestions about decorating without any constructive plans. Women on MN complain the whole time about partners not getting involved in house issues.
Doing a course is one thing but getting a better job is hard. There is a long running thread at the moment about the difficulties of getting a job in your fifties. You need to share your fears and determination with your husband.
I am always annoyed by women who are financially dependent on husbands and then are flummoxed about the difficulties of getting a job in middle age. MN is often dismissive of the male financial provider but enormously supportive of women who are the main breadwinners.

He should have arranged the workmen when he is at home.
He sounds awful and you are walking on eggshells in case he threatens to leave again.
I would leave him, you will be much happier.

25k on flooring?!? What?

You spend money on your home, because it makes it nicer to live it. It shouldn’t necessarily be about whether or not it makes it more valuable.

If you have £25k, and you want to make improvements, because it looks nicer, it makes things more practical, then why not. You might be living there for the next 5 (possibly more) years, what’s wrong with making it more comfortable.

Not every decison about a house should be through the lens of “how can I make more money”

It’s his house too, if he wants to make it nicer he’s allowed to do so - as long as the money is there.

Sounds like if you advocate for yourself there will be an argument. Doesn’t sound good and honestly it sounds like it is about much more than new floors.
Having said that, my DH also has a tendency to try to dominate things - it’s just his personality and over time Ive found some techniques that work for me in situations like yours.

• when he does his hovering thing around 8am because I am ‘still’ not up on the weekend (no small kids anymore) I just say. ‘Yep that’s right, im ‘still’ not up and won’t be for another hour I think. Im not working and will spend my time as ‘I’ choose - after all, that is what you are doing by being up isn’t it? Im not a small child to have my day organised for me - p* off! I just lean into it and point out how unreasonable he is being.
• He also loves to get his own way on home decor. His speciality is to start with ‘Ive been thinking…’ My response is ‘stop right there! Have you been thinking or have had a thought, considered all alternatives and chosen your preferred decision and have come to inform me? Do I actually have the ability to say no here?’ At which point he will realise that is exactly what is going on and will backtrack into ‘I know we haven’t discussed it yet but I really want to do ‘x’ (which is a much healthier discussion)

I don't understand this either unless ND is involved.
H sounds like a regular a pita and I'm another asking how can you waste your life with this person? You've given several reasons to leave him. Why put up with this shit?

He does this quite a lot.

If I have a day off in the week he will often organise workmen, car needs an MOT or some enhancement, or TV has a minor glitch that no one else can see and the TV man is coming over.

The workman was smack bang in the middle of the day 12pm. I was planning on getting my course work done, then going shopping in the city. I can't now.

On his weekends off my DH will be on the sofa watching sport for most of it.

On my day(s) off I am expected to do chores, deal with workmen and cook lavish meals.

He doesn't like the eggs we buy and wanted me to drive 40 mins each way to an egg shack on some farm. I said no to this.

@Trint you should read the OPs posts

she says her husband isn’t interested in her input. He’s very happy spending £25k for what he wants and doesn’t seem concerned about the money.

OP works 4 days a week and is studying which I assume will mean she has better prospects for the future

OP - it sounds like you have an unhealthy relationship and you walk on eggshells after he threatened to leave. Given you are about to have an empty nest,maybe this is the time to consider what the future really holds for you both

Did you agree to the workman coming? Or has this just come out of the blue? You said in your OP ‘reminded’ so it sounds like you knew but forgot. If you haven’t even discussed it, then yes he is being a dick. If you haven’t explicitly said No, then you need to have a civil conversation about it. If you can’t have a civil conversation about it, then you need to consider your future together.

Have you built up a healthy pension or any kind of pension in the last twenty five years? Will you work full time once you have achieved your qualification? The job market is tough out there. Having said that I worked full time ( teacher) until mid sixties, then part time and I still work very part time in my mid seventies along with three days of grandchildren care. I don’t have the luxury of being ‘burnt out’ after decades of part time work.

Ruined your day is a bit OTT. Just let the workman come, do his thing, discuss it later when you have the quote/plans. You escalated this petty crap for no reason.

What time were you planning on shopping if you’re doing coursework first? Why can’t you do coursework this morning til 12, meet the workman (if he’s still coming) and then go shopping after? I wouldn’t let it ruin my day if I had plans.

that sounds like such a lot of money - if you’re prepared to go along with the wooden floors, I’d be wanting a couple of other people to come in and quote for the job to check the price. Seriously, we had builders in for six weeks before Christmas and it didn’t cost us that much

There are so many things to unpick in this situation. The dynamic of your relationship sounds off and you don’t seem happy. Your partner is making decisions about your time and money without discussing it. You seem to fear voicing and opinion, and also assume his thoughts towards you are negative. You sound stressed and tired, and going along with things to keep the peace. This flooring thing just seems like the catalyst for you to examine how you’re really feeling about our life and relationship. Are you waiting for him to threaten to end things again so that you can agree it this time?

It a bit extreme to say the whole day is ruined - it the day didn’t start off as you’d expected, but the whole day isn’t ruined. But it’s easy to feel like that when you’re tired and stressed out. Make yourself a cuppa and sit and drink it quietly. Grab some moments to have the rest you need, and then maybe start to think about how you feel about life going forwards

This.

But don't let it spoil your day!

You say he threatens to leave if you stand up for what you want, OP. I think he's a bully, and I recognise the type because my ex was like that. One day I got so sick of it I took him up on his kind offer to leave, and we split up.
I understand that you don't want to feel vulnerable, but honestly he is the one making you feel vulnerable. Now that you have qualifications, you can get a higher paying job and be happy. He seems to be the source of most of your unhappiness.

All I will add is that it felt incredible once me and ex split up. There was a period of adjustment of course but I was so very very happy without him.

But you weren’t asleep - you were watching TV in bed!

He looks at you and sees a door mat he can wipe his feet on.
You are, in his view, an underling who does as she's told, runs the household and provides sex.
Your life and ideas / choices don't appear to matter to him.
These are lousy life lessons for your kids to learn, because they think it's normal and the then it may well repeat itself in their lives.

Well Violet Elizabeth Bott is so determined to have his own way he’ll keep pushing the point and say whatever unkind thought comes into his head including “I don’t want to be married anymore.” Pah! He feels embarrassed that he’ll have to cancel the workman or turn down the quotation. It’s male pride and ego.
Don't take him so seriously. I have one like this, have learned to ignore his tantrums. Later he admits it’s all talk.
Ultimately put your foot down. Stonewall him. He’ll have to accept this is a joint home, with joint decisions and he needs you for a joint future. He knows this but is blustering.
Be polite to the workman, if he turns up, then get on with having the day you want.

You are expected to cook ‘lavish meals’. What are lavish meals. If you work full time from the start, your husband has no choice but to do half of everything else. It is a proper partnership.
will you return to work full time after you have completed your course? Will there be a sense of being in it together and taking an equal role when planning the future or do you just vaguely hope things will change?

I’d be telling him to fuck right off and enjoy your day the way you wanted to. If he pulls the ‘I don’t know if I want to stay married’ I’d reply with ‘thank god, me either’

this sounds such a horrible, on a knife edge, way to live.

Most "home improvements" don't add value, despite all the TV makeover shows that say they do. They are only worthwhile if they improve your quality of life. If you are thinking of selling, don't do anything- the new owner will probably want to change it anyway!

If my DH tried to organise jobs for me on my day off and I had made other plans I’d simply say
no, im not free to do it. What would happen if you just said no OP? Anger I suspect?
If it’s an ongoing problem I’d also raise it with him telling him never to assume I am available for something he needs on my days off and he has to explicitly ask in advance. If he ignored that I would just say no in principle: ‘Ive told you not to organise my time on my days off, you didn’t ask me beforehand before you organised it so no, and I’ll keep saying no till you understand my time is not yours to organise’.