7am and DH arguing with me already

[NeverGetADayOff]

My DH has just left in a massive huff. He is going out for the day with DC2.

Context: I have 2 jobs, have DC to look after, a needy elderly relative and am studying at the moment. I am very busy and very tired. I've had a very rough 6 months.

Today, I sort of have a day off. I have some errands to run, and I have to do some studying, but it should be OK. I was lying in bed watching the news and DH came in and reminded me that there is a workman coming over today to mock up some plans. He wants to do this and that in the house and I have to decide what I want etc. He wants wooden floors in the bedroom and it renovated. I told my DH I do not want to spend 25K renovating a couple of bedrooms.

My reasons are: We put our house on the market before covid and it had not appreciated in value at all after 7 years as it was clearly an overpriced new build when we bought it. Also, we like our house, but it is not everyone's cup of tea. First time round, no one was interested. Secondly, my youngest is going to uni next year, and I don't see a long term future in this massive house. Finally, I have moved around a lot in my life (moved up and down the country and abroad a few times) and I have no attachment to this area or this house. It is not my home town, and if I was asked to leave the day after my DC2 went to uni, either in the UK or abroad, I would. This is not what I said to my DH, I just said I don't want to spend 25K on a couple of bedrooms until I was sure the house had appreciated and it wasn't money down the toilet.

So I am standing in the kitchen at 0700 on my day off trying to get a cup of coffee and he comes in the kitchen and starts ranting that he will cancel the workman and he's all agitated. I didn't raise my voice but I did say something like "OMG, it is 7am and you are on my case already. I said I will talk to the workman, I will do it and see what he says. It is just that I want to see where our house is at before we spend that". He carried on so I said "OMG you have literally ruined my day. I was looking forward to getting some stuff done and a bit of chilling on a rare day off and you are on my back at the crack of dawn".

Honestly, it is like having a stroppy manager who is on your back the second you walk through the door at work with you standing there with sleep in your eyes and a Starbucks in your hand.

Also, he presents things as a joint decision, but if I say hmm, what about this, he gets annoyed as really, he wants his own way.

It wasn't a shouting match or anything, but I was so looking forward to today, and now he has made me feel anxious, stressed and I want to cry.

Who IBU

He sounds hard to live with.

I have to say (gently) that you are starting to sound like a sulky teenager now.

I have to agree with this.

Its coming across as though OP enjoys a bit of drama and arguing.

It’s not ok to want to cancel the workman the morning he is supposed to come.
And I would be really annoyed if I was DH.
OP started this argument.

She said her day has been ruined as she wanted to study and then go shopping but both things can still be done.

Then she says she wanted to have a lie in but DH stood over her talking to her but in her OP she said she was already awake watching the news.

It seems a ridiculous amount of money to spend but OP is not painting herself in a good light here.

The more you write the worse it is!

Seriously I would start the divorce or at least meet with a few solicitors for advice on what you are likely to get.

It sounds utterly miserable for you and you are just the maid.

@Ragathathen the OP should leave the marriage. If she is about to achieve a shiny new job so that money won’t be an issue and if he is a bully as you say then there is no reason to stay together. However, I wonder if it is just a case of six of one, half a dozen of the other and a compromise all round is needed.

I don't have small DC. One is at uni, the other is at home.
Even though DC is 16, I still need to cook, clean, launder and drive them around everywhere as we live in a village with no transport.

The first thing that strikes me is that you didn't know that the workman was coming. Did you know about the renovation plans but just didn't know about the meeting or has this all come out of the blue? Major financial decisions should have been discussed well and truly, long before there's anyone turning up at the house and both of you should be deciding "what WE want" rather than you having to make the decision on your day off. I also feel the pattern of having things arranged for you to do on your days off should be something you are actively involved in, rather than it being arranged for you. It sounds like there's an imbalance in the dynamic here, quite likely to stem from the threat of divorce. Whilst understandable, you can't have a healthy long-term relationship where you don't have a voice or can't disagree without feeling like you don't get a vote because of it. I think this needs to be addressed before judging who is right about spending money on the house or actually any other important decision. Maybe couple counselling would be prudent before this inequality becomes entrenched or the arguing and resentment builds up.

Your dc and your husband are capable of doing their own washing. Stop trying to meet unrealistic expectations.
Learn to use the word No.

He sounds like a controlling prick. Everything he is doing is to keep you on your toes and running round after him so you don’t have the time and headspace to think about if this is the life you actually want. If selling your home could pay for a flat in London and something by the sea then it could pay for you to have your own home with whatever floors you like. Do your quals so you can up your hours and get out of there!

No, I don’t sound like OPs DH, he is telling her what’s happening I offered a suggestion so she doesn’t give her day up or waste it because she said she told her DH she would meet the workman and see what he had to say. So rather than sit and do nothing I offered advice on how not to waste the day.
An adult doesn’t need their day organised for them correct but Op is also a grown adult and should be telling her DH that rather than keep allowing it. Op knows he’s controlling and she’s made it clear she doesn’t really want to be there so she should leave because he obviously isn’t changing. My question on the timings were mainly because it was already 8:30 and she said she was smoking to do coursework this morning and then shopping after. So considering the time maybe her schedule wouldn’t have been that far out anyway. Yes she could of said cancel the workmen when he said he’d cancel or you wait in for him but she didn’t

OP. If nothing else, rescue your day.
Do go into the city. Eat a lavish meal at a restaurant and go to the cinema or see a friend for drinks. A non programmed day of your choice!!

Stop appeasing your DH. If he wants fancy steaks, he can fetch them. If he wants only chicken breasts, he can cook them. If he wants a quote for work on the house, he can deal with the tradespeople involved. He’s a grown man so he’s perfectly able to do these tasks himself.

And £25k for cupboards and flooring in 2 bedrooms is outrageous, you’ll not recoup that money if you sell during the lifetime of those additions. We did a full house renovation for £60k in 2023 - I was very careful about costs because we were on a budget and our house was a wreck. Back to brick and everything new inc the roof, wiring, heating system, kitchen, family bathroom, etc.

I didn't say cancel the workman. I agreed to him coming. DH is the one who went off in a huff and then cancelled him and has sent me a diary cancellation like a work colleague.

I just woke up, turned on the news to see where Labour are at, and he stood over me saying the workman is coming, you need to decide TODAY what you want, it is 25K.

My pushback wasn't that I wasn't willing to see him. It was "that's a lot of money to spend when we don't know how we are going to feel in 18 months. I'd be more comfortable knowing what our house is worth now, and if it has appreciated, before I spend any more money on it".

When it was on the market before, we had a few people look at it. The man always loved it as it is full of hi tech e.g. you can operate a lot via a home pod. The women seemed to not like it at all. If it had stayed on the market I think we would have had to reduce the price and literally have made a loss on it.

Again from me, no point in spending the money if want to move, far better to save up for moving costs when you do in a house you can see yourself staying in.

I do wonder why he's booked a quote though, I presume without talking to you first? Because you're being logical if you're on the same page.

You guys need to communicate better and certainly not at 7am! Sounds like you have different dreams when it comes to living there. Good luck with it all, the study etc. Hope get 5 mins of peace today!

If you were my friend @NeverGetADayOff id be asking why you were staying?

what quality of life and happiness will
you have when both children are off living their own lives.

what quality of life will you are both retired and at home together all day and his micro management increases.

what quality of life when he ages and develops health conditions that you are expected to manage along with his weight?

how caring and supportive will he be
when you become ill? Or need care? Or the menopause era messes you up?

when the children rarely visit with grandkids or their family as dad has got worse and creates an unpleasant environment..

where is the love?

Never cease to amaze me on here what women are prepared to put up with and be treated like by a man. This is not about wooden floors.

Are you sure you want to be married?

Yoire more financially secure, you're studying and your youngest is off to uni soon.

It sounds like you'd be better off growing old in a different house minus your demanding/controlling husband.

I'm obviously not in the loop on how much these things cost but 25k to have wooden floors put down? That seems hugely excessive. It wouldn't cost that to have my 3 bed house carpetted in premium carpet!

Everything ripped out. Floor to ceiling fitted cupboards and wooden floors.

It can't be just any old workman. It has to be done by someone who does palaces and is in high demand and costs a fortune.

I actually feel like I am married to a General Manager of a 6-star hotel who is really fussy and demanding as it costs 20K a night to stay there.

I could not stay with a man who used emotional blackmail and threats when he faced the slightest pushback on what should very much be joint decisions.

He is a manipulative controlling arse and knows exactly what he's doing. If you can't leave now, please consider doing so when you can and don't waste your whole life on this man.

Your marriage sounds really crap. When youngest DC leaves home will the house be sellable for enough to get you both your own flats somewhere decent? Because if so I'd be planning to retire from this marriage on my own. Imagine living like this for the rest of your life?

a quick question. Why are you staying with this prince among men?

I hear you OP. You are busy and that's your choice but your DH thinks he gets to dictate your free time because you being less than 100% busy = lazy. Whereas his job is super important and super stressful so he needs weekend down time.

Threatening to leave but not recognising his role in making you feel the way you do blames you for everything. You give the examples of him losing weight being your responsibility.

He does seem very controlling and I wonder if he's always been like this and up till now you've been able to just roll with it. But recently you're so weary of everything that you just don't have the energy for him directing your time anymore. Would you say this is accurate? And if so, what would you like to do about it? You can't change him so what can you do differently?

Do you want to say yes to avoid an argument?
Do you want to say no and deal with the fallout but stand your ground?
Do you want to sit down with him and, using 'I' statements, tell him how he makes you feel?
Do you want to try marriage counselling?
Do you want to plan your exit from the marriage?

What options make you feel positive about the future?

He sounds absolutely awful OP.
I don't understand why you put up with all his demands.

Retiring with him sounds like hell. I'd be divorcing him and selling the house and splitting the money to buy a flat each.

Some men do not like their partner resting. Especially when they have somewhere to be or something to do. Something to think about. Even if you're not doing a task, in his absence he knows he has upset you and you will be stewing over it.

If this is a rare day off for you, refuse to give it any more headspace. Nothing is going to be resolved. Enjoy your rest. You can't get the rest time back again, so don't let him ruin it.

He sounds insufferable. I could not live like that. Honestly, I wouldn't care about the value of the house, I would just sell up and let him get a tiny flat near his job. He can do his own shopping.