7am and DH arguing with me already

[NeverGetADayOff]

My DH has just left in a massive huff. He is going out for the day with DC2.

Context: I have 2 jobs, have DC to look after, a needy elderly relative and am studying at the moment. I am very busy and very tired. I've had a very rough 6 months.

Today, I sort of have a day off. I have some errands to run, and I have to do some studying, but it should be OK. I was lying in bed watching the news and DH came in and reminded me that there is a workman coming over today to mock up some plans. He wants to do this and that in the house and I have to decide what I want etc. He wants wooden floors in the bedroom and it renovated. I told my DH I do not want to spend 25K renovating a couple of bedrooms.

My reasons are: We put our house on the market before covid and it had not appreciated in value at all after 7 years as it was clearly an overpriced new build when we bought it. Also, we like our house, but it is not everyone's cup of tea. First time round, no one was interested. Secondly, my youngest is going to uni next year, and I don't see a long term future in this massive house. Finally, I have moved around a lot in my life (moved up and down the country and abroad a few times) and I have no attachment to this area or this house. It is not my home town, and if I was asked to leave the day after my DC2 went to uni, either in the UK or abroad, I would. This is not what I said to my DH, I just said I don't want to spend 25K on a couple of bedrooms until I was sure the house had appreciated and it wasn't money down the toilet.

So I am standing in the kitchen at 0700 on my day off trying to get a cup of coffee and he comes in the kitchen and starts ranting that he will cancel the workman and he's all agitated. I didn't raise my voice but I did say something like "OMG, it is 7am and you are on my case already. I said I will talk to the workman, I will do it and see what he says. It is just that I want to see where our house is at before we spend that". He carried on so I said "OMG you have literally ruined my day. I was looking forward to getting some stuff done and a bit of chilling on a rare day off and you are on my back at the crack of dawn".

Honestly, it is like having a stroppy manager who is on your back the second you walk through the door at work with you standing there with sleep in your eyes and a Starbucks in your hand.

Also, he presents things as a joint decision, but if I say hmm, what about this, he gets annoyed as really, he wants his own way.

It wasn't a shouting match or anything, but I was so looking forward to today, and now he has made me feel anxious, stressed and I want to cry.

Who IBU

I think you need to start pushing back more and saying no. If he organises people to come over on your day off then tell him that's a shame because you're going out.

Him filling your day off up is a control thing and it sounds like he has control issues in general.

I'd also be telling him the next time he uses the not wanting to be married card because you're not doing as your told. You'll be taking him up on it.

You sound like the OP’s DH.

Adults don’t need their day organised for them and the whole point of a day off is that you get to do what you want, when you went, not have someone scheduling it for you. Of course the OP could do that but she doesn’t want to. From the sound of it this is not an isolated occurrence and the DH enjoys his own days off without any similar encumbrances.

OP your husband is subtly bullying you. He has trained you to not disagree with him by threatening divorce. He stands over you to ruin your day off. He organises your time. He makes plans without consultation and expects you to just go along with them.

Stop putting up with this shit. You deserve better. I think you might benefit from some therapy to start to change this dynamic (not couples counselling but individual therapy). But if it doesn’t change soon do you really want this to be the rest of your life. I can’t see this man ever letting you leave this house or move to another part of the country. Think about what YOU really want for once and see if he is prepared to fall in line or resort to threats and undermining you.

You have two part-time jobs and you are studying and you have caring responsbilities.

Why the fuck are you - as a couple - having reflooring done? You - as a couple - don't need it. It's a waste of money and more important it's a waste of your own precious energy.

He does this quite a lot.

Your husband is a bully and you are exhausting yourself trying to placate him.

He sounds awful. I had an ex who I wasn't married too (luckily). He told me one day, after a huge row, if he really loved me, he'd have married me by now. I think he was abusive in many ways and this was a way he could try and control me. At that point I thought I needed to change, and I was the one saying sorry etc. But over the next year, I started seeing things differently. I saw his behaviour wasn't right, and was abusive (this is a snipet of a much bigger story). I left him. Best decision of my entire life. Your h thinks the threat of him leaving will keep in you in line, as did my ex. I needed to work harder to make him love me. Twats, that's what they are.

And next time he threatens to leave tell him where the door is. Either he will change his mind or you will be better off.

If my DH organised workmen to come round on my day off without discussing it with me he'd get it both barrels and I would not be answering the door to them. Its not a mistake either is it, sounds like he makes a habit of sabotaging any spare time you have to yourself. He sounds like a nasty arsehole.

Missing the point a bit - if they’re just coming to look at the job, you have time to study, talk to them in the bedroom for 15 minutes, then go shopping. It hasn’t ruined your day.

Your controlling, bullying husband is ruining your mental health though. I do agree with other posters that you dont seem to be communicating well either him regarding your plans and feelings for the house and its future. But also - he sounds like an unpleasant person to be married to.

How on earth do you spend £25k rennovating two bedrooms in a new build?

I have just spruced up two bedrooms - new carpet, repaint, new blinds, framed and hung some pictures and it came in at just under £2k. TBF I did the painting and picture hanging myself.

Usually when there're arguments there is issues on both sides but people on here are running with it all being his fault and the op is perfect, I have no idea who is right or wrong or what inbetweeen but this posting all one sided

We only know the op version of all this

DH used to LOVE to fill my days off with little tasks and appointments, like booking an engineer or handyman "since you'll be here". Now I don't tell him if I'm taking a rare day off to decompress (well, I intend to, but we do I usually end up saying something the night before).

I'd be using that money that he wants to spend on a divorce.

Is he trying to sabotage your study or something? I also wonder what he would do if you just said 'no. Noone ever died of a tantrum - so let him tantrum and make childish threats. Days off are so important and I know what you mean, when you have had a good productive day planned and someone pisses you off, it kind of ruins the mood somewhat.

Your 8.17 update strongly implies he's trying to sabotage/fill up your days off (or you think that he is). Are your days off always the same days every week? Because if they aren't I'd stop telling him when they are. If he says "I've booked the tv repair man for Weds" I'd say "you'll need to deal with it because I am going out."

I don't know about the rest of it. It sounds as though you've both checked out.

From all your updates I’d say your “D”H IBU and I can understand why you feel so on edge and trapped into doing what he wants.

I don’t know what the answer is to your problems or how you get out from under him, but that’s my answer to your AIBU.

He thinks he’s your boss and master. I don’t think you should stay with him. Bully boy!

I don’t think it sounds like a storm in a tea cup, and I don’t think you sound dramatic either. You have a lot on your plate at the moment and you have a spouse who piles more stress onto you for his own selfish reasons, rather than supporting you and working as a team. You’d have to be a saint not to snap back at him when he starts pecking and pushing at you at 7 in the morning ffs. Prat.

You need some thought-terminating cliches to shut him down with whenever he does this. Stock phrases that will take the wind out of his sails and lower the temperature, because he’s bullying you and his success relies on you getting angry so he can paint you as unreasonable and play the victim.

Maybe “I haven’t forgotten, but I’d like to have a quiet coffee before we talk about it”… then suggest taking turns to make and respond to each other’s points? Ugh, you shouldn’t have to be managing him like a child, but I can’t think of a better solution other than LTB.

But that's not a marriage. A marriage is a 2 way partnership.

What you have is one person who dictates what they want and throws their toys out the pram if they don't get it.

If you can't express your opinion to your partner and make decisions discussing things together then what's the point?

Put your foot down. £25k on two bedrooms is a joke. Cancel the appointment. If he threatens to leave again then say OK. Sounds like you have prepared for this.

Yeah. Especially before you've even had a chance to have your first sip of coffee.

They ruin the day before it's started.

Why are you trying to attack OP for being a SAHP? She’s not any more, she’s working 4 days a week and studying. They are so comfortable financially that her DH wants to spend 25k on flooring so why is it annoying you so much thst she’s working 30h instead of 37??

We always only know one side of it. But usually in good relationships people don’t threaten divorce because you disagree with them occasionally. Usually people don’t schedule someone else’s time off with jobs while enjoying their own free time chore free. Usually in good relationships people confer with their partner before planning expensive refurbishments. Usually in healthy relationships one partner does not bother the other at 7am on their day off.

But you always disagree with the OP on every single thread. Not sure whether you’re just contrary or enjoy bashing women.

Either way it’s just tedious.

Read what you said, if you said that to him you were arguing with him too! So you’re both arguing before 7am! You both need to have a proper talk and not drag a workman out unless you’re both onboard but coming from a busy family I do get that you’ve both just assumed the other knew how you really feel and now the work guy is here.

Yes that’s how mumsnet works, you only get half the story

I know. And hilarious that they think all women who work full time have husbands that do half of the childcare and domestic load.

SunnyRedSnail

But that's not a marriage. A marriage is a 2 way partnership.
What you have is one person who dictates what they want and throws their toys out the pram if they don't get it.
If you can't express your opinion to your partner and make decisions discussing things together then what's the point?
Put your foot down. £25k on two bedrooms is a joke. Cancel the appointment. If he threatens to leave again then say OK. Sounds like you have prepared for this.

Youre saying it’s not a partnership then telling op to ‘put her foot down’. They both need a proper sit down chat to work all this out or decide it’s not working. Nobody should ever put their foot down!

He sounds like a petulant child who’s got his own way for far too long and has been used to controlling the show.

I’d tell him to fuck off. Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire with men like this, be nasty back, make him aware that if he walks out the house, you don’t give a shit.