OH wants custody of baby niece?

[milkshakess]

So OH's younger sister has recently had a baby and there is possibility that the baby may end up in care.

She already has an 18 year olds on who has lived with their mum since he was 8.

She dips in and out of his life, she even forgot his last birthday, she hasn't really been a mum to him at all. Despite this he has turned out to be a lovely, smart and hard working lad.

Everyone was so surprised by the pregnancy.

From what we understand she was kept in hospital for 2 weeks whilst some kind of team were getting stuff ready for the baby.

I think the hospital staff were monitoring and observing her interact with the baby and something must of been flagged?

Her mum has sold her house and was due to move abroad in September but she had been visiting her and the baby at the hospital daily and helping.

OH isn't really close to his sister but he is close to her son, he calls OH the "best uncle" as him and the other uncles have all chipped into help raise him.
OH would sometimes not see his sister for years and she was always changing her number and would have to talk to her though her son.

Anyway the family don't want the baby to end up in care but everyone has young kids themselves ( we have toddlers and are trying for a 3rd).

OH wants to go for custody but the care would really fall on me and I work from home and have a very flexible job.

Just wanted input on the situation as OH and the family don't want the baby to go into care

You can add outright hostility too if you like.

It sounds as if you feel that you will not be able to withstand the pressure to take in this baby. But you also see the pitfalls for yourself and your own family. Ok. So decide on your boundaries around what you will do. Some examples based on concerns you have raised:

One: you will not be an indefinite, unpaid babysitter. You adopt the baby and have the authority to be a full parent, or no deal.

Two: you and your OH get married before baby spends a night in your home. Once the baby is living in, it will be very difficult for you to avoid becoming the unpaid babysitter, to the detriment of your own earning capacity. Lots of promises will be made by your OH and his family. Likely few of them will be fulfilled. They want you to take all the risk and do most of the work while they pat themselves on the back for ensuring the baby doesn't go into the system. Without marriage, you could end up doing all the work for the baby, losing you career and being left penniless when the stress of the situation becomes too much for your OH.

Three: do you still want to try for another baby of your own? if so, that needs to be upheld.

Four: your OH will not leave you to do this all by yourself while he carries on like usual. He will participate in night wakings, teacher conferences, school pickups, etc. You will be enabled to continue your career in whatever capacity you have done up until now. It will not all be put on your back with nothing more than a "you go girl!" from them.

Obviously you can set different boundaries. These are just suggestions based on what has come up in the thread.

It would be a no brainer for me. It’s family and I stand by and watch a family member go into the care system if I had the means to support.

She’s not an oven ready chicken.

She’s not even married into this family.

I wonder how many women have been co-opted into caring for people on the basis that ‘it’s fakily’. As if they’re magic words.

Fucking hell, this is distasteful. A bit Blue Peter? Like, here’s one we made earlier? Jesus, just when I think I’ve read all the offensive shit on here; I go and read some more.

well I was only responding to the comment by the person I quoted. and yes, THAT comment was a bit "here's one I made earlier" There have been quite a few similar comments saying essentially "well you want a baby, just have this one"

Neither OP or her partner will be able to adopt the baby. So that is not an option.
IF they care for the baby in any capacity arranged via socal services and the courts then unless she does something spectacularly awful mum will still see the child and have some role in her life.
Unless mum relinquishes the baby - which she doesn't want to do - the only way her child will leave her care for OP's is if either the police (temporarily) or courts remove her and agree placement with OP.

I agree OP having clear ideas what she can accept is advisable but having false ideas of what is possible isn't helpful.

I agree with others, adopt this baby and it now baby 3

A serious and honest discussion between you and your OH is needed.

While I fully appreciate his reasons for wanting the baby to stay with you, he has to understand what that actually entails, how it impacts on your family unit and also you as an individual.

In these situations people often want to ignore realities and just say it will all fall into place, we can make it work etc but without open communication it's a set up for failure. It could all be amazing but not if you take a leap in the dark.

Wishing you all the best x

I would never forgive myself for letting a tiny baby into the foster care system when I could help.
What a fantastic home and life you could give them.

It’s all very well to say you’re shocked by their callousness. YOU didn’t have to raise your cousin.

It is indeed distasteful. But it isn’t @godmum56 who is suggesting it. She’s the one saying you can’t just say “Oh well, I wanted a baby of my own, but there’s one just lying about here, so I might as well have that one”.

Your criticism may be justified. But it is aimed at the wrong target.

Respectfully, that’s the kind of self-congratulatory nonsense that is very easy to say when it’s not you that is being asked to shelve plans for a third birth child and dedicate the next twenty odd years to raising the child of your wastrel SIL when you have never wanted to adopt.

This would be my exact list as well.

1. The baby is fully ours. I'm not adopting the biological Mum to deal with as well.
2. Marry me, for the security.
3. Baby #3/4 still happens.
4. DH completely steps up with everything needed.

Yes, you can provide a good home. By the time you get the baby she will already have had an unsettled start. What are the mental health issues the mother has? These can be genetic so might be something the baby develops down the track. Might also be a consideration for your own children since they are related.

@FungibleAssets Respectfully, that’s the kind of self-congratulatory nonsense that is very easy to say when it’s not you that is being asked to shelve plans for a third birth child and dedicate the next twenty odd years to raising the child of your wastrel SIL when you have never wanted to adopt.

God you sound hard faced. It’s possible to not want to parent the child without completely erasing her humanity in a bid to villify others. You seem to be going for the pp and the mother. There are worse things at stake than ‘shelving plans for a third birth child’.

No one is ‘erasing this baby’s humanity’. I’m simply pointing out that handwringing on the internet about how you couldn’t possibly let a child go into the care system is very easy.

I can understand why the nephew thinks OH hung the moon, but if you put together absolutely everything OH has done for him over the years, it would pale in comparison to the day to day grind OH is asking you to take on with this newborn.

OH is getting a warm glow out of playing the hero, but in reality he has been quite minimally involved and has shared that load with his brothers. This baby would be a whole different kettle of fish, and as other posters have said, the burden of all that work would fall on you. (But I'm guessing a lot of the credit would be given to him.)

Given that you don't have any official commitment to OH, and adoption probably isn't possible, I'd think hard before taking this on. People keep saying "this could be baby number three" but you wanted your own baby, and that's not a selfish thing to want. It would be terrible to give up on that, only for SIL to reappear a few years later as a reformed character and take her baby back. But taking on an extra child is no joke either. If you got pregnant tomorrow, you could end up juggling 2 under 2, and that's a lot to take on.

You mention his brothers have young children too, and this is why they're not taking the baby in. Why have their wives been able to resist the pressure, and you not so much? Is it because you work from home?

What a strange thing to ask, I judge all sorts of things I have no control over. The current war is a very recent example.

How many of us have had to raise a cousin? I am simply saying that I was shocked to hear they turned their niece away. That’s the thing about opinions, everyone has one.

I think some people have watched way too many Hallmark movies and are just seeing this with rose-tinted spectacles of "Ahhh, a cute baby - it will be just like having your own" and it's fam-lee.

It really isn't.

I've known people who have done it or people that have fostered long term in general, and it is really hard work. It you are considering it you need to go into it with your eyes open and really think about the issues.

1. You will have Social Services in your life a lot who will often expect you to drop everything (and take time off work) at short notice to attend meetings/case conferences etc.
2. Why is this baby coming into care? Has the mum relinquished the baby or is there neglect, substance abuse, severe mental health issues, refusal to leave a violent partner etc?
3. If there is alcohol/drug abuse is it likely that disabilities have resulted that may not be diagnosed yet? Foetal Alcohol Syndrome etc?
4. If there is a risk of harm then there will be medical assessments etc. Someone I knew fought long and hard for a proper diagnosis and then specialist SEND provision.
5. What are social services long term plans? Are they looking to return the baby to mum? Will you be expected to facilitate this?
6. What contact will you be expected to maintain with the mum, dad, paternal family etc? Will you be expected to do contact in your home or travel to contact centres/their home. One person I knew found it caused many problems with her own kids because weekends were taken up ferrying the fostered kids to mum/dad and sometimes grandparents at a contact centre 40 miles away.
7. Are the mum/dad likely to cause trouble or disruption? Will you have full parental responsibility? I know someone whose family member pulled some very spiteful stunts that really hurt the kids - just because she could and still had PR.
8. Will the wider family recognize you as the parent or will you be undermined every time that mum decides to drop back into the kid's life.
9. What is your DH prepared to sacrifice and give up? Or is it him making the big man talk gesture for his family while you do the work and give up your dreams....?
10. What will you do the next time if there are more babies? I knew someone who felt really guilty at having to say no but in the end there were 4 younger siblings.

You can't judge your parents for not adopting a niece. I'm sure they considered it and decided it wasn't the best thing to do for good reasons. In fact, it was the responsible thing to do if they felt they weren't up to the task. It sounds like your cousin has had a good life with those who were able to adopt her.

I think its a positive that your DH is willing to focus on what's best for the baby & step up (absent abuse or neglect, its generally better long term for a child to remain with family than go into care or be adopted). Having contact (even infrequent) with bio mother & sibling, and being part of the wider family of aunts/uncles/cousins is important.

I know in my family if anything happened to my siblings there is no way we'd let any of the DC go into care/be adopted. They are "our" kids.

That said, its obviously a huge decision for your family & something you need to decide together.

I don't think you can compare children in tribal communities, where the same adults will be part of life from beginning to end, 24/7.

To the up bringing of children in the rest of the world, Where paid day care, schools, clubs, all play a part. Parents working and being unavailable for much of the day.
Children might go to one nursery then one school, but different staff and teachers every year.
Same with clubs and coaches as they go up the grades they might get different teachers etc.
Children sometimes struggle to get their heads round teachers having a life outside of school.

Agreed lots and lots of things to think about.

I will add another if Op and DP were to split would Op still have access to the child.
I think that would be horrendous for both Op and the child if she got cut out the child's life.