OH wants custody of baby niece?

[milkshakess]

So OH's younger sister has recently had a baby and there is possibility that the baby may end up in care.

She already has an 18 year olds on who has lived with their mum since he was 8.

She dips in and out of his life, she even forgot his last birthday, she hasn't really been a mum to him at all. Despite this he has turned out to be a lovely, smart and hard working lad.

Everyone was so surprised by the pregnancy.

From what we understand she was kept in hospital for 2 weeks whilst some kind of team were getting stuff ready for the baby.

I think the hospital staff were monitoring and observing her interact with the baby and something must of been flagged?

Her mum has sold her house and was due to move abroad in September but she had been visiting her and the baby at the hospital daily and helping.

OH isn't really close to his sister but he is close to her son, he calls OH the "best uncle" as him and the other uncles have all chipped into help raise him.
OH would sometimes not see his sister for years and she was always changing her number and would have to talk to her though her son.

Anyway the family don't want the baby to end up in care but everyone has young kids themselves ( we have toddlers and are trying for a 3rd).

OH wants to go for custody but the care would really fall on me and I work from home and have a very flexible job.

Just wanted input on the situation as OH and the family don't want the baby to go into care

What about the Dad? Is he on the scene.

I think your partner needs to think about the practicalites of this. Would you still want a 3rd child because 4 children is a different set of logistics& costs, such as housing, cars etc.

How would you feel if a 3rd was off yhe cards?

I think that as you will do the lions share of the work , the final decision is yours. Personally, I'd want to take on the child. She would be your baby number 3. Id want tge kids to know each other as siblings and I'd want to keep her in the family. However,you need to have the time, money and capacity to take it on. Could you book councelling with your H? Relate does one-off sessions. J think it would be good to talk it through with a professional. I also thing you need to work out the logistics. What is H going to take on and what are you going to do. How will the work be distributed. Another consideration is as far as you know is the baby healthy?

They have 2 kids together already so let's assume they are in a committed relationship. Marriage is just a piece of paper which isn't important to many people.

Of course not but ‘third baby’ doesn’t exist. Personally if I was her OH I wouldn’t want to let my baby niece go into care so I could have a third biological one of my own, so it’s worth a discussion.

It's okay to say no, OP.

Oh gosh what a tough situation. I can see the viewpoint of both you and your OH. There will be a lot of strong emotions attached to any decision and the potential to disrupt your relationship. Are you able to talk it through with a neutral party (counsellor)?

Does your OH have an understanding of the loss you would feel if a third baby of your own was delayed/not now possible? If you were to welcome this baby into your family would you have space and understanding to grieve this loss?

You must feel so conflicted and I really feel for you.

Edited - typo

I think you need to sit down and go through the practicalities and ask him to clarify what he will be doing. Personally. Physically. To raise this child. He needs to realise what he is proposing is that you take care of the child and so you have to want to do it too.
He has to care how you feel.

how do you feel? What do you want?

Saying marriage is a piece of paper is stupid. It's a legal contract. It's a piece of paper like a birth certificate, a passport, a contract of employment.

And yes, it's not important to a lot of people, but the point being made there is that it is legally and financially significant regardless. That it would potentially offer greater protection to one partner taking on the bulk of the care for a child from the other partner's family.

The worse thing that could happen is that this child comes into a family arrangement if there is any kind of a reluctance. Everyone needs to be willing to care for them as though they had birthed them with the extra complications of dealing with the “Sister” who will be inconsistent and unreliable.

If taking on this child means DC3 for you is delayed or off the cards then are you actually ok with that?

Financially, legally and morally it's an extremely important 'piece of paper'.

Maybe I am also being too simplistic but couldn't you see the niece as baby 3? She'd never know any other parents but you. Does it really make any difference if she's not your actual blood kin? She's still a close blood relative to your husband and kids.

Except her biological mother would always be there in the background flitting in and out..

Does your husband want this baby to be baby no 3 and not try for another yourself? Or does he effectively want another two?

It's just a piece of paper the same way the deeds to your house is just a piece of paper.

It is acknowledgement of a legally binding contract that comes with a set of rights and responsibilities and protections.

Yes and of course I appreciate that would be a pain. But if she was formally adopted by the OP and her husband, the mother could largely be kept at arm's length - assuming she's interested in her child at all.

Can I ask for some details about your sister-in-law?
Is her life just chaotic or are there any substance abuse issues that may impact on the baby's health?
This would definitely inform any decision I made.
(Though my automatic reaction was, oh, the poor baby, of course! I have seen the result of circumstances like these and it can be devastating for other children.)

And possibly father/wider paternal family.

I'm not saying they necessarily shouldn't do it, not enough info for that, but it's obviously a very different thing to conceiving and having another baby with one's partner.

This.

You would need to want this. It would mean no baby 3 most likely.

If it were me I'd take a niece or nephew in a heartbeat but everyone is different, some people feel very differently about the idea of adopting a child which isn't biologically theirs. And that's valid.

Exactly. It's not a traditional setup so it really needs consideration.

There is misinformation on this thread about the process. Make sure you’re not relying on information from Mumsnet. You may be better off moving this to the fostering or adoption boards.

I think maybe understanding the process will give you clarity over what might be possible, and whether you are prepared to commit.

I’d also consider that it might end y oh r relationship if you’re not prepared to go ahead. DP might choose to separate and raise this child without you. I think you need to be having conversations with him about what this would look like realistically - you might need one of you to give up work to facilitate contact visits, children’s services meetings, LAC reviews. Is he actually assuming that will be you, or are you assuming he thinks this? You both need to find out more, and have these conversations together.

What were the circumstances for the son going into the care of his grandmother. And what are the likely reasons that social care have intervened on this occasion.

Addiction? Domestic abuse?

How would that work though for family? In a regular adoption you can cut ties but unless OH and his family went NC with the sister that would be almost impossible to do a closed adoption. It's tricky.

Absolutely this.

Dumping a traumatised infant on a girlfriend so he can be the hero is...quite something.

What is he like currently as a father? If he's a bit useless, then I'm not sure that trying for baby 3 or having the niece is a good idea.

I think that getting married and adopting the child would be the sensible route if OP is going to take on the “mothering” role, assuming this is what she wants. Ultimately, it would be very bad to look after this child for 5 years and try to see child as her own, then split up and have no rights whatsoever - for OP and child.

Op, it’s a tough decision. Could you maybe see a family counsellor together?