OH wants custody of baby niece?

[milkshakess]

So OH's younger sister has recently had a baby and there is possibility that the baby may end up in care.

She already has an 18 year olds on who has lived with their mum since he was 8.

She dips in and out of his life, she even forgot his last birthday, she hasn't really been a mum to him at all. Despite this he has turned out to be a lovely, smart and hard working lad.

Everyone was so surprised by the pregnancy.

From what we understand she was kept in hospital for 2 weeks whilst some kind of team were getting stuff ready for the baby.

I think the hospital staff were monitoring and observing her interact with the baby and something must of been flagged?

Her mum has sold her house and was due to move abroad in September but she had been visiting her and the baby at the hospital daily and helping.

OH isn't really close to his sister but he is close to her son, he calls OH the "best uncle" as him and the other uncles have all chipped into help raise him.
OH would sometimes not see his sister for years and she was always changing her number and would have to talk to her though her son.

Anyway the family don't want the baby to end up in care but everyone has young kids themselves ( we have toddlers and are trying for a 3rd).

OH wants to go for custody but the care would really fall on me and I work from home and have a very flexible job.

Just wanted input on the situation as OH and the family don't want the baby to go into care

Wouldn't this be baby 3? Otherwise would be a plan to treat the child as different from the other children

Yes, and if baby #3 biological baby went ahead, in the birth order it would be #4. I wouldn't let adopting a niece stop be having my own #3, even if they were close in age, but I didn't find the preschool years difficult and thrived on being surrounded by children. Note everyone can cope with it as well or wants to, and that's okay.

Does your partner's sister want you to visit her in hospital OP? You said she's ignoring his calls. Or are you planning on just turning up?

Not necessarily a permanent child for OP if Social Services are intending OP to facilitate the baby's return to its own parents

If OP is not married she may not have any parental responsibility for the child

It’s equally easy to dismiss a baby when it’s not your partner’s family and has no impact on your relationships in future.

Bless you Op.
I hope you are able to get proper information at the weekend.
If you were to take custody what exactly the legal set up would be. I certainly don't think i could cope with the Mum dipping in and out but I also don't know how open adoption really work. Would that be the plan?

Take your time.

Read the post above yours for Lunde’s definitive summary of why this isn’t simply baby no.3.

Crazy that people are still trotting this out after 650 posts.

No one should feel coerced into taking on a child to keep their partner happy.

Especially one they wouldn't have any legal right to even see if the relationship broke up.

He’s not stepping up, though, he is stepping OP up. He has asked OP ‘Do you want X’s baby?’ because he expects her to do the bulk of the care.

I'm on the fence about this. It's a tricky one. I think it would be lovely if you could take in your niece but I understand it's no small undertaking and I think you need to find out much more to make a fully informed decision.

Firstly the situation seems unclear - if social services really are looking for kinship carers, you will need a discussion with them to find out the situation and the process.

There is a Kinship Care charity and I'd suggest you contact them for advice:
https://kinship.org.uk/support-and-advice/

Once you've got more info you will need to have a really open and honest discussion with your partner about what each of you wants, how it might work, what it might mean for any plans to try for another baby, etc.

Only the two of you can decide. But if you decide to take in your niece you should definitely get married (tbh you should get married anyway, for legal/financial protection for you and your children).

Best of luck.

Of course they shouldn’t, but it’s naive to think that a decision either way is without consequence and that OP can just say ‘no thanks’ and crack on with plans for baby no3. There will be emotional things to navigate, it’s just a hard situation all round.

I think she's right to not take this decision lightly. Whilst I get that OP's partner doesn't want to see his sisters baby go to another family he needs to consider the fact that his sister has already had one child that she hasn't taken any responsibility for yet she's been irresponsible enough to have another one that is being taken out of her care. His sister needs to take some accountability for her actions and understand that she can't keep having babies if she's unable or unwilling to look after them herself

On the basis of this post, I’m not surprised you don’t understand.

This silly guilt-tripping hyperbole is so insightless. Everyone who has a baby is doing so instead of fostering a child.

I’ve been a foster carer. The need is endless. I invite you and the other PP who would think about this baby for the ‘rest of her life’ to put your money where you mouth is and become foster carers for all the children whose stories you haven’t read.

OP there’s so much to think about. Ultimately if you don’t want to, you don’t want to. It’s not just ok, it’s essential, to say no to something you don’t feel you can do. Too much damage is done by dishonesty around this. I think I’d be sitting down with my husband to talk through all of the implications (including what you would do if she goes on to have another baby) and how he thinks it could work.

Here’s a link to some info for every poster who is so confident in their imagination that they’d never leave a child without a home.

https://www.barnardos.org.uk/foster?gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=22123586790&gbraid=0AAAAADiQ6gXMazDnCdXSheESKJ9f2bOBp&gclid=Cj0KCQjwk_bPBhDXARIsACiq8R1JNvdyniTn68F6pzMMXorxNjX8x5zL1hD0nZtxwWnYVP7amiltqnMaAqd6EALw_wcB

The way I read it, OP works from home and has flexibility, her OH doesn't, and presumably they can't afford to lose his wage? Maybe he could find another job, but that's not easy right now, and depending on his field, would he be able to work flexibly/at home OP? Obviously that's something the two of you would need to discuss.

OP i just wanted to wish you all the best with this difficult decision.

A man you're not married to wants you to adopt a baby you're not related to and become forever embroiled in his family's issues and tied to a woman with mental health issues, as well as being unable to try for your own much anticipated third baby, while being expected to mother a baby you are not related to with no guarantees of any kind moving forward.

You don't want to do this.

So the answer is, unequivocally and very simply - No.

Unless you've actually done this, you really don't get to say this.

Not one thought for the OP here, just sentimental maundering.

Right. Every person on this thread trying to guilt the OP is a bad person, because they chose to procreate rather than adopting.

Or, OP has a perfect right to say no to adopting a baby that is being forced on her by a man she is not married to.

It's one or the other I'm afraid.

Pass me a bucket 🤮

You’ve mentioned “tribal communities” a couple of times, and “tribal communities” vary so much that that is a pretty meaningless description. A NW Canadian First Nations tribe and an East African tribe don’t really have anything in common culturally.

In which specific tribe are all babies seen as completely interchangeable, and parents barely know which children are theirs and which are other people’s?

Because every tribe I am aware of places great stock on ancestry and parentage (that is kind of the point to being a member of a tribe). Of course I don’t know every tribe in the world, so I’m interested to know which one sees all babies as communal property and it doesn’t really matter who is the parent and who brings them up. It isn’t a common cultural practice.

The baby is not even up for adoption!

@milkshakess - difficult to vote as I am not sure of your marital stays. If oh is your husband then I think you should go for custody as child is part of your family.
If oh is not your husband then I think it is unfair on you to have to look after this child in addition to your own.
I know even in a marriage you could divorce but the marriage changes your status, confers rights as part of the family and hence a responsibility to family members