OH wants custody of baby niece?

[milkshakess]

So OH's younger sister has recently had a baby and there is possibility that the baby may end up in care.

She already has an 18 year olds on who has lived with their mum since he was 8.

She dips in and out of his life, she even forgot his last birthday, she hasn't really been a mum to him at all. Despite this he has turned out to be a lovely, smart and hard working lad.

Everyone was so surprised by the pregnancy.

From what we understand she was kept in hospital for 2 weeks whilst some kind of team were getting stuff ready for the baby.

I think the hospital staff were monitoring and observing her interact with the baby and something must of been flagged?

Her mum has sold her house and was due to move abroad in September but she had been visiting her and the baby at the hospital daily and helping.

OH isn't really close to his sister but he is close to her son, he calls OH the "best uncle" as him and the other uncles have all chipped into help raise him.
OH would sometimes not see his sister for years and she was always changing her number and would have to talk to her though her son.

Anyway the family don't want the baby to end up in care but everyone has young kids themselves ( we have toddlers and are trying for a 3rd).

OH wants to go for custody but the care would really fall on me and I work from home and have a very flexible job.

Just wanted input on the situation as OH and the family don't want the baby to go into care

For a loving grandmother it would be very difficult to say no in that situation, especially when you are being told by the authorities that it's definitely what's best for your grandchild. And if the little girls uncle and aunties are happy to do what they can to help, as it seems they are, then that's a good thing.

Nonetheless, it was a choice.

If they are happy then great, I’m not saying they shouldn’t offer what they want to. I’m saying that they shouldn’t be expected to offer, or feel forced into offering something they don’t want to.

Nobody suggested forcing them

I didn’t say that anyone did. I said they shouldn’t be expected to, or feel forced.

From personal experience, children’s social care will leverage guilt and obligation. Believe me, we have been there in our family. I am so cynical now as to believe that the priority of children’s services is to save money rather than focus on the best interests of the individual children. The MIL probably believes she is ‘saving’ this baby.

Im childfree............by choice and no way would i do this Id just ask when the Child Benefit was being signed over to me Because that would stop the asking

Gosh what a situation. At least its a big family. I think if everone pitches in to help MIL ( poor thing Îm soon to be 60 and can’t really imagine it but I guess I would take it on too tbh , I couldn’t abandon my grandchild) it should work out. maybe set up a rota right now taking it in turns to babysit at weekends etc making sure MIL gets time to rest and stick to it for the next couple of decades!! Maybe everyone pitch in to get MIL a cleaner and a regular paid babysitter too.

How the hell can the child free SIL do it anyway The child free arent entitled to any parental leave

If SIL ever gets a job, she should be made to contribute to the cost of raising her child. As should the baby's father. What a thoroughly selfish individual for getting pregnant on purpose. And the father too.

Best of luck to your MIL OP. I imagine it doesn't feel like much of a choice to her at all, she was between a rock and a hard place.

I hope you have your own little baby soon.

I'm sure there are laws about foster / adoption leave. But its a huge thing for anyone.
I also think the Gran probably felt she had little choice

If she is ever stable enough to hold a job down she'd probably want the child back

Yes you get adoption /foster leave but when done via the proper channels

i have friends who have done both

Well done OP, you made the right decision. Sounds like DP would not parent the child at all if she lived with you.

Hopefully with MIL support SIL can turn her life around and parent her child. Maybe your DP should knock his sibling hols on the head for a while so he can offer MIL some respite.

Why wouldn’t it work in the same way as baby 3 of your own would?

Clearly the emotional side is very different, but practical side not so much?

Because she doesn’t really want to. And that is okay?

Just read the update on MIL. Good luck to her, it sounds like a family effort will be needed to raise this baby.

What will you do if SIL has another?

I don’t understand why social services push for kindship care for a baby? For a child who already has a relationship with their family I could understand, but for a tiny baby, I just don’t see the logic.

@youlookradishing

I'm an adoptive mum, my son is an adult now and has done very well for himself.
Its been the honour and privilege of my life to be his mum.
We created a good life together, we love each other and we built the foundations of his life together. He knows very well that with me he has had a stable life, with more opportunities than he could ever have had with.his birth family.
In his head he knows this, in his heart he feels rejection and loss. There are many unanswered questions.
As someone who would not be a mum without adoption, I belive the best place for any child is with the birth family, as long as they are cared for and loved.
It might not be the solution we would opt for but this baby will grow up with a grandparent, knowing her brother, surrounded by aunts and uncles, with their cousins.
Unlike my son who has four siblings scattered around the country and who will always have questions that I cannot answer.

Really, you can’t see why a baby might be better off with blood relatives who can provide a safe and appropriate environment, which may or may not include the birth parents if and when safe to do so?

Well I can see that it could work in some circumstances. And I truly hope that this little girl has a happy life with her grandmother.

I suppose I’m just questioning why being with ‘blood’ trumps being truly wanted by an unrelated family.

@youlookradishing
As a programme it has its faults, but have you really never seen an episode of Long Lost Family?
My son has not seen his birth mum since he was 4, his dad since he was 13. He is 22. And as much as he loves me, he still grieves for her and longs for a spark of interest from his dad.
You aren't really thinking about the child and their feelings long into the future. Its about identity, not growing up with anyone who looks like you, who can't tell what it was like when you were born.

As adults, adoption can fulfil our dreams of parenthood, but we can never forget there is another family.
As I look at my son, I can see mannerisms, turns of phrase, characteristics that he has got from me.
But he didn't get his nose from me, he didnt get his scientific brain from me, his charm and smile which lights up the room are all his dad.
The pull of biology and genetics is strong

If a child is in kinship care it’s safe to say they are ‘wanted’, and they have all the benefit of preserving their family connection and identity, which does matter to most of us.

Obviously not appropriate if the circumstances mean the child has been removed from the parent for safeguarding reasons, but if not it can also be a way for the parental relationship to be maintained, which often has better outcomes for the child and the parent/s.

Of course that’s not say that children who are legally adopted and links with birth family severed cannot also have happy and fulfilling lives.

Because a ridiculous number of adoptions break down.
Children want to know their true origins.

Its common for adopted children to rebel (you can't tell me what to do, you aren't my real mum)

Its complicated

OP I wish you all the very best with your family and your future.

I hope this little girl will have a great future too.