OH wants custody of baby niece?

[milkshakess]

So OH's younger sister has recently had a baby and there is possibility that the baby may end up in care.

She already has an 18 year olds on who has lived with their mum since he was 8.

She dips in and out of his life, she even forgot his last birthday, she hasn't really been a mum to him at all. Despite this he has turned out to be a lovely, smart and hard working lad.

Everyone was so surprised by the pregnancy.

From what we understand she was kept in hospital for 2 weeks whilst some kind of team were getting stuff ready for the baby.

I think the hospital staff were monitoring and observing her interact with the baby and something must of been flagged?

Her mum has sold her house and was due to move abroad in September but she had been visiting her and the baby at the hospital daily and helping.

OH isn't really close to his sister but he is close to her son, he calls OH the "best uncle" as him and the other uncles have all chipped into help raise him.
OH would sometimes not see his sister for years and she was always changing her number and would have to talk to her though her son.

Anyway the family don't want the baby to end up in care but everyone has young kids themselves ( we have toddlers and are trying for a 3rd).

OH wants to go for custody but the care would really fall on me and I work from home and have a very flexible job.

Just wanted input on the situation as OH and the family don't want the baby to go into care

I know several adopted children who are much better off for having been adopted, rather than being passed on to another family member. Adoption always comes with trauma, but being raised by Gran, or Aunty and Uncle isn’t going to be issue free.

Only take custody of this baby if you are happy to think of this baby as ‘your 3rd baby’. This baby deserves parents. Not to be handed around between family members.

Obviously it's up to you, but it seems like a shame to let the baby go into care. Social services would most likely want a special guardianship order, which would give you and your DP parental responsibility. The birth mum would still have some rights but she wouldn't be able to take the child back. You also should think about how you would feel if you let the baby go into care, then once it was too late to change your mind, you found out that you couldn't have another baby yourself. You and your DP are older now and nothing is guaranteed. If that happened would you still feel you made the right choice? But equally you shouldn't take in a child unless you would be able to love them the way that they deserve. If not that's ok, it's much better to know your own limitations rather than get guilted into doing something you don't want and end up resenting the child for the situation.

I mean I was gonna say "not on your nelly" until you mentioned you were trying for a third anyway. So might as well take one that's ready made and needs a home, surely. It's a win win.

This has got really bizarre.

No confirmation from OP that social services are even involved.
OP says the baby's mum wants her child and that the child is / will be living with her.
So the baby has not been removed.
Doesn't sound like social services were definitely involved with her older son either? And even if they were that was 10 years ago.

What exactly is your boyfriend's mum is saying OP, that makes you think this child will be removed from her mother? People are giving advice on really patchy information relating to her mental health and parenting history and not her current situation. Which is that she has her baby in her care and her eldest due to move in with her.

I would not take it for certain that paternal family don't want to know, unless you or you boyfriend's mum have spoken to them directly.

I'm not suprised she's not answering your boyfriend's calls OP, given she may well think he has decided she is unfit and he is making plans to take her baby off her.

I agree. It’s foul.

But equally, OP could come to resent her partner for guilt-tripping her into such a massive and laborious undertaking.

What a tough situation; I feel for you and your husband. If I were in that position, I think the only way I would take on the baby would be if we would adopt it as our own and have full legal custody, and the birth mum would essentially be seen as an aunt.

Good luck with your decision either way. If you decide it cannot become reality, then the rest of the family would have to learn to accept that as well.

"You might at well take one that is ready made"??? What a disgusting way to talk about a little baby

Resentment a hell of a lot less than that can corrode a marriage.

This is not possible. The baby does not have a placement order and even if it did adoption by uncle would not be permitted.

Mums becoming aunts messes children and the adults they become up massively. We know this from all the historic cases where babies have been raised thinking their sister / aunt/ gran was their mum and once adults they are able to say how much it screwed them up.

Everyone suggestions adoption - do you think the baby's 18 year old brother should have to pretend she's his cousin, and her cousins pretend she's their sister, as well as uncle becoming dad, mum becoming aunt and so on? It's messed up and won't happen.

"have this puppy"

I really think that whatever the outcome, unless there is a massive and genuine change of opinion by one or the other person, then the relationship has sustained a blow it is unlikely to recover from. Sad but true

OP, this is deal breaker stuff. I wouldn't do it and I certainly wouldn't be used and coerced into it by any white Knight moves. Time for you to have a hard conversation with your husband. If adoption is not a conversation you have had, maybe he needs to crack on alone.

It’s his family

cannot believe the posts

Would you step in as an unpaid babysitter to your husband's feckless sibling?

And a babysitter who will of course have to step back for high days and holidays…

Have you read all the OPs? Might shed some light.

I was this baby.
My grandmother stepped in before I was put up for adoption… she then became unwell and I spent my life in foster care and care home to care home.
I recently became closer with one of my uncles who had the choice to raise me as part of his family unit — but they decided against it. He was extremely remorseful for not taking me in.

I won’t go into the trauma of my childhood in care, but what I will say is if I were in a position to step up for a family member — I absolutely would.
In fact I nearly did with my niece (my husbands sisters child), except her Dad came back on the scene and stepped up himself.
This would change your life, but only you can both make the decision together.

Also eveyone mentioning adoption are often ill-informed. They say it like it’s an easy option. It’s extremely hard to “qualify” to be adoptive parents — especially in the UK. Most children will not be adopted and will be fostered and moved from pillar to post. You can check the stats on actual successful adoptions and unsuccessful adoption applications from prospective parents.

I can also tell you the care system is broken and I was abused my many foster carers and other children in homes. I can tell you this personally from my lived experience and professionally with the job roles I have worked in.
You think the care system/ adoption is an easy out. It is not. It’s brutal and traumatic and no amount of therapy I’ve had can undo the long-term damage of a broken care system. My jobs since then have been to support the most vulnerable children to try and a make a small difference. A small fish in a very large disgusting pond.

It’s a difficult one because you both have to be on board obviously and you don’t seem to be but I don’t think he’s going to forgive himself if his niece is adopted. He is clearly desperate to help which you’re blocking and that’s fine but I expect it’s going to cause lots of pain.

So SIL was under the care of the mental health team during her pregnancy.

She had to be induced and then it was decided that it would be best for her to remain in hospital with the baby as the mental health team were liaising with the council into getting her settled as she was moving into a brand new house.

Concerns were noted and observed by the midwives in the hospital.
The baby and SIL are still in hospital with MIL visiting every day along side her son.

There at various organisations involved already and they are looking to see if anyone can take the baby.

With the nephew, she wasn't a very good mum to him, would neglect him, leave him with his nan for days to go out drinking etc.

When he was 8 his nan became responsible for him and she has dipped in and out of his life.

She took loans out in her mum's name and went off to New York for 3 months when he was 11 and didn't even call to check how he was.

Nephew has turned out into such an amazingly kind and smart young man. He is at college and has done so well BUT he has no parental figure in his life and he says this a lot to OH and me.

He tells OH that he is like his dad and OH will give him money, buy him stuff and take him out for food etc every week.

I am really torn and I know when I see the baby that I will want to keep her as I won't be able to face her getting put in care.

Before I had kids I had 5 cats, and I was adamant that I didn't want any more.

Then one day a little kitten came to my front door after being dumped by someone after Xmas and she would come every day following me around and I kept her in my greenhouse, insulated it and made it her home until I got her vaccinated, checked for FIV and when she was spayed she stayed in my bedroom to recover.

We took her to Cats Protection with the intent on having her rehomed but I didn't have the heart to say goodbye and I think this will end up happening with this baby.

But as others have pointed out I would want the baby to raise as my own and now have SIL dip in and out as she does with her son.
That would both be stressful and unfair.

I will know more weekend as we are going with MIL to the hospital.

Fair play to you for considering this.

I don't know what I'd do in this situation as I wouldn't want to see the child go in to the care system however it will ultimately change the dynamics of your own family going forward.

Gosh what a tough decision for you both. I can be both sides. I’d be fuming with my partner if he didn’t let me take in a blood niece / nephew, but equally fuming if I was put upon as a primary caregiver with through no choice of my own. I would take my partner’s brother’s kids in in a heartbeat but that is different because we have a relationship with him, I can’t imagine a scenario like this where like you say the mum would be dipping in and out.

FWIW I know someone who was in a similar situation (two kids, partner’s sister unable to look after child) albeit a child not a baby. They took the baby in, the mum regularly failed to appear at any arranged contact visits so eventually they go full kinship and are now also expecting their third baby and all doing really well. They have given that child such a great, stable life that they wouldn’t have had in care.

I really wouldn't bring up taking her baby at the hospital unless she brings it up. If she doesn't want to give up her baby, you may be seen as the enemy if she's having her removed against her will.

There at various organisations involved already and they are looking to see if anyone can take the baby.

Only the Local Authority's Children's Services - what people call social services- can look at alternative carers for children. This is usually referred to as screenings or viabilities. Usually conversations with the child's social worker and someone from the kinship team within their fostering department. Is this what is underway?

One possibility is mum says she can't care for the baby and signs section 20, however she would need to have capacity to do so and it doesn't sound like she wants to either. Otherwise they Local Authority will have to go to court to seek removal to place with anyone else.