Friend called me fat - can’t stop thinking about it

[Confusedmind96]

Hi

im going to try and make this as concise as possible and for it to make sense, just feeling a bit down though and wondered if anyone had any advice

I’ve always been fine with my body- I’ve never had any issues, tbh I played a lot of sports and had a fast metabolism which runs in my family and I’ve never had any concerns about my weight. I thought I’d stayed a fairly similar weight but I’ve definitely filled out a bit more in certain areas as im in my mid 20s now but I’ve been fine with it

But recently one of my friends made a joke and called me fat. He said it in a banter sort of way and I don’t think it was meant to be hurtful, but he made a joke that I had gained lots of weight and was heavy/chunky.

it honestly felt like something in my brain clicked in that moment and ever since then I haven’t been able to look at my body the same way

the thing is, i KNOW im not fat. I can tell from the number on the scales and from looking in the mirror. I’m not posting on here for people to say ‘omg hun you’re soo skinny!’ and fishing for compliments because I know I’m not fat, but it’s like when I look in the mirror it’s as if I see something completely different now.

i went into river island the other day to try on a dress because I have an event soon and basically burst into tears in the changing room because all I could find was issues with my body- I’ve got cellulite on my legs, my arms are bigger than they used to be and I’ve got a fat roll between my arm and chest (like a fold of skin at my armpit when I hold my arm by my side)

it was awful, I tried on a dress which I loved but I was so upset I couldn’t even focus and just wanted to get out asap because I couldn’t stomach even looking at myself in the mirror

i took some photos at the time, and the weird thing is from looking at them I KNOW im not fat, im not trying to pretend I am, but its like when I look in the mirror my brain sees something totally different. When I look objectively at the picture I know I’m not fat, but then when I look at myself all I see is my issues and it’s like something has totally clicked in my brain after the joke my friend made

I tried to speak to my friends for advice but they rolled their eyes and did the whole ‘don’t pretend you’re fat for attention or compliments’ thing. I tried so hard to explain I know im not fat and im not trying to pretend to be so they can tell me how skinny i am, but it’s like when i look in the mirror i see a totally different person and all i can see is problems now and it genuinely feels like my brain has been warped

just wondered if anyone had any advice or tips or had experienced similar? I’m so self conscious now in everything I wear and every meal I eat now and it’s just so exhausting always worrying about my body x

I wondered if said friend secretly fancied her, some men (cunts), deliberately put down women they like, called negging apparently. To make the woman feel bad, so she'll consider going out with them. How or why or even IF this works I find doubtful. But I've heard manosphere influencers (also cunts), recommend this to men as a tactic.

If you are this insecure about a stupid and clearly untrue comment then I think there are bigger issues at play here. You seem overly upset about this, is this how you react to any type of perceived criticism? Maybe there are some mental issues at play and you should see a therapist.

Most men have no idea and rely on an education by internet. Bet he hasn’t got good female role models or intimate relationships. It strikes me as quite sexist. Shop changing rooms are the worst place too. Also- you are getting used to the fact that your friend isn’t who you thought he was as is quite a shallow ignorant arse. Get back to enjoying your own experience of your body as it sounds like it’s usually really good.

Is it possible that when he made that commment, he thought it was funny because it's the opposite of what is true? Like calling an obviously tall person short? Does he have this kind of humour? It would depend on the context and how the conversation was flowing at the time.
We are all brought up in a society that is hyper aware of fatness and loads judgement on to that. It can be baked in from a very young age, often influenced by what our mothers/aunts attitudes. It could be that you thought you were immune to it, on account of not having any problem with your weight whatsoever. But then you get a glimpse of how someone else sees you and you question the whole foundation of where you sit on this issue. Keep fighting against this intrusive other perception!! It is not real. It is not kind. It is not true.
I'd bet if the male friend knew how his comment had landed and what agony it has caused you, he would be mortified and wish he had never said it.

nah I definition don’t fancy him he’s just a mate (long term group of friends from back in the school days!

Which is probably why he said it. Because you don't - and he hates that so much, he had to punish you for it.

Darling I'm a bit worried, so please listen to this carefully. A dear friend's daughter started her voyage into anorexia exactly in a similar way. She's a dancer and her dance teacher made a comment on her thighs defining them like "thunder", adding she needed to keep her weight stable. She was a professional dancer, size 8, but body shape very feminine. Trust me size 8 or 10 cannot be fat. 3 years later she was 39kg, in hospital. Anorexia. Fighting for her life. After recovery she started a charity for girls affected by anorexia.

It's subtle so please please look for help right now.

I might be oversensitive over this topic so pls excuse me if I'm going a bit beyond courtesy.

I think you might be very conscious and this makes you sensitive to your look. Please speak to some responsible specialist about it, don't neglect the signals.

Regarding your stupid friend, he truly made a rude comment, sometimes people can be really inappropriate so please consider it as an idiot giving thought to his stupidity.

By the way some male manipulators use denigration to have a power on you, so you know him and why not consider this option.

Wish you the best, you're gorgeous xx

My nephew told me he shits rainbows the other day. He also frequently insists I’m his mother’s evil twin. We are years apart in age 😂 children and drunks both talk absolute bollocks

Actually following on from this, my SIL’s cousin had bulimia when she was younger and at drama school, she was an actress. Lots of pressure to be thin. She’s petite and tiny anyway.

Double this. Don't be friends with them anymore.

How do you feel about excess weight on others? That's something to ask yourself privately. Don't answer it here! Maybe you think fat is ugly. Meaning being called fat equates to being called ugly. Or that it indicates laziness, meaning you are lazy yourself.

This is just a thought btw, I am in no way accusing you of being unkind.