Friend called me fat - can’t stop thinking about it

[Confusedmind96]

Hi

im going to try and make this as concise as possible and for it to make sense, just feeling a bit down though and wondered if anyone had any advice

I’ve always been fine with my body- I’ve never had any issues, tbh I played a lot of sports and had a fast metabolism which runs in my family and I’ve never had any concerns about my weight. I thought I’d stayed a fairly similar weight but I’ve definitely filled out a bit more in certain areas as im in my mid 20s now but I’ve been fine with it

But recently one of my friends made a joke and called me fat. He said it in a banter sort of way and I don’t think it was meant to be hurtful, but he made a joke that I had gained lots of weight and was heavy/chunky.

it honestly felt like something in my brain clicked in that moment and ever since then I haven’t been able to look at my body the same way

the thing is, i KNOW im not fat. I can tell from the number on the scales and from looking in the mirror. I’m not posting on here for people to say ‘omg hun you’re soo skinny!’ and fishing for compliments because I know I’m not fat, but it’s like when I look in the mirror it’s as if I see something completely different now.

i went into river island the other day to try on a dress because I have an event soon and basically burst into tears in the changing room because all I could find was issues with my body- I’ve got cellulite on my legs, my arms are bigger than they used to be and I’ve got a fat roll between my arm and chest (like a fold of skin at my armpit when I hold my arm by my side)

it was awful, I tried on a dress which I loved but I was so upset I couldn’t even focus and just wanted to get out asap because I couldn’t stomach even looking at myself in the mirror

i took some photos at the time, and the weird thing is from looking at them I KNOW im not fat, im not trying to pretend I am, but its like when I look in the mirror my brain sees something totally different. When I look objectively at the picture I know I’m not fat, but then when I look at myself all I see is my issues and it’s like something has totally clicked in my brain after the joke my friend made

I tried to speak to my friends for advice but they rolled their eyes and did the whole ‘don’t pretend you’re fat for attention or compliments’ thing. I tried so hard to explain I know im not fat and im not trying to pretend to be so they can tell me how skinny i am, but it’s like when i look in the mirror i see a totally different person and all i can see is problems now and it genuinely feels like my brain has been warped

just wondered if anyone had any advice or tips or had experienced similar? I’m so self conscious now in everything I wear and every meal I eat now and it’s just so exhausting always worrying about my body x

Please go to a therapist about this and bio or in the bud. This comment has triggered body dysmorphia- get rid of it ASAP

This. He probably fancies you. Pathetic behaviour

🫣 😲 I was almost nervous to look, but you're beautiful! And he is a massive asshole. Even if you were actually chunky or larger, no friend would say something like that. But in this case, there's absolutely nothing fat, chunky, or oversized about you. You already knew this, but something about the negging really hit a button. He is truly an ass. I wish people would be more careful of what they say.

I agree with a lot of the advice you've been given, but I'll say that your MH is too important to downplay this. It's not simply mind over matter. If it were no one would have anxiety or low self-esteem. I don't know how body dysmorphia is triggered but if you Google it you may recognize it. Definitely see someone and stop this in its tracks.🌹

Here's some info about dysmorphia. It absolutely can be triggered by a single insult. If you or someone in your family has OCD, there's a higher chance of developing the disorder.

You are sadly giving this ejit way more power than than you should. His comments were purposefully said, to embarrass and/or hurt. To give someone of this mentality headspace is unnecessary because he is pointless, utterly pointless!

His words, comments, opinions hold no credibility and all echo his personality. He could well be one of those that get their satisfaction from bringing others down. Sad, sad individual.

Take your power back, go on - go buy a dress and rejoice in it!

Take this seriously and get professional help OP. This happened to me and caused years of ED. I was a teenager, and look perfect when I looked at photos of myself then. But once called fat, it just stuck and was all i could see. Wish I had had the knowledge to have got help then. It's deep, dangerous and hard to fathom.

It's awful that he said that to you, OP - I thought it was awful, and that he was probably negging you at first, now I see your gorgeously slim photos and wonder if he actually joking/sarcastic and didn't expect you to take him seriously at all?! Because nobody in their right mind could seriously call you chubby or whatever!

Male friends are curious creatures - I know people on here swear blind they can be just mates with men, but in my experience, male friends are always after more. Every male friend I've ever had throughout my life, who was I thought was "just a mate," has ended up hitting on me in the fullness of time. Maybe just my experience, but I would say he either genuinely "just kidding" (how tiresome!!) or he wants more.
No excuse for his behaviour though - these comments can have a PROFOUND effect on women. See: Karen Carpenter and what the "chubby little sister" press comment did to her.

When I was 10 my next door neighbour told me that I needed to lose some weight before I got older because I’d never have a boyfriend and I’d be bullied because I was so chubby and spotty.
She was a woman in her fifties and an absolute cunt and made so many similar digs that destroyed my self esteem but this was the most damaging comment.

I had started my period at 9 so I think I was just chubby due to puberty and I hadn’t even really noticed my weight but it was like a switch was flicked and it was all I could think about.

I was obsessed with my weight and started skipping meals or making myself sick when I was being watched or made to eat.
This led to years of eating disorders and one stay in hospital and so much work on my teeth as an adult due to dousing them in acid with bulimia.

I was seeing a psychiatrist from 13 and have had years of psychiatric help, counselling, lots of different therapies but I think I’ll always struggle with my self image.

I gained a lot of weight when I turned 40 and peri menopause hit and for the first time I was actually overweight and realised how much of my life I wasted thinking I was fat when I actually had a lovely figure.
It’s been so hard to lose it and I considered WLI but instead I’ve joined a gym and started exercising daily and it’s changed my views on my body completely.

I have stopped weighing myself and focused on being fit and healthy and I have lost weight but it’s no longer my focus.
I now get pleasure reaching my fitness goals and seeing my fitness improve, I have an Apple watch and try to close my rings every day and love seeing muscle developing and being able to run for miles without being a sweaty heaving mess.
My first day at the gym I couldn’t manage to run more than 3 minutes and was getting notifications on my Apple Watch saying my fitness was so low. The first time I ran just 1km I cried with pride afterwards and for the first time in over 30 years I don’t know how much I actually weigh but I do know that my cardio fitness and recovery are excellent and that I’m strong and healthy.

Please get some help before this really takes hold and don’t waste your life like I have just because of some twats comment whose opinion doesn’t matter.
I know it’s hard when you have these intrusive thoughts but it’s good at the moment you have recognised your thinking isn’t healthy and hopefully with the right help one day you will see yourself as you truly are.

When I was in my last therapy session I mentioned how I could have 99 compliments and 1 negative comment but the negative would be the only comment I’d take seriously. I think that’s human nature but not to focus on it to the extent it’s detrimental to our mental health.
I hope the comments you’ve received on this thread have helped you knowing they are from strangers with no hidden agenda or reason to lie. They probably won’t change how you view yourself because I think you need professional help for your disordered thinking but they might help convince you in future.
I hope things change for you and you can one day look in the mirror and see your true self looking back and be happy with what you see and be at peace with yourself x

You clearly need therapy

Not the point I know but wow you are actually gorgeous.
your friend is a cunt, and you need him out of your life. Do you exercise or play sport? I’d set yourself some strength or sporting goals to focus more on what your body can do in case that helps. You can target doing 20 full pushups by the end of June, unless you can already do that of course 😆

I understand your post! I have body dysmorphia. I had anorexia and I’d say I’m recovered, yet I’m very unsure of how my body looks. I’m very sensitive to any talk about my body. For example a child told me I’m fat recently and I’m now convinced I’m fat and I’m back to being obsessed with my food intake and my weight. Meanwhile I’m a size 6-8 so I logically know I can’t be fat but when I look in the mirror I only see an average overweight person. I can’t help it and it’s ingrained in me. Al sad p the fact that children speak the truth makes me extra think it must be true.

Me, too! Like a PP, I am actually fat now and don't care - but I never got the full benefit of being slim, young and pretty while I was. @Confusedmind96, I'm so pleased you've realised early on! Ignore the idiots saying 'pull yourself together'. This is a mental health condition and you're in the right personal space to get help to deal with it. Please do!

Oh, and buy the dress.

Have you really always been fine with your body/self-esteem? It seems a bit unusual that your friend’s stupid comment would provoke such a strong reaction. It would suggest that there has been an underlying issue with how you perceive yourself. I mean that kindly, and he was a dick obviously.

This is him perhaps triggering what he already knows is your weak spot,for whatever reason, it's got absolutely nothing to do with fat and everything to do with eating disorder and body issues and whatever that twat was trying to stir up in you.
Being back in the grip of an eating disorder myself,triggered by a throwaway comment at my age in my fifties again and made easier by GLP 1s don't go down that route,

Try listing 5 Things you like about your body before you go to sleep every night for a couple of weeks. Hopefully that will help reset your mindset. If 5 is too difficult right now, try just 2 and build up from there.

Ditch the 'friend'.

It is 100% obvious you are in great shape to the rest of us.

However, according to the NHS 'Dismorphia (BDD) is a mental health condition characterized by an intense, obsessive preoccupation with perceived flaws in one’s physical appearance that are unnoticeable or minor to others. It causes significant distress and compulsive behaviors, such as mirror checking or avoidance, which hinder daily life.'

Please go speak to your GP. It maybe you need some counselling support to reset the damage the comment caused.

I'm so sorry your alleged mate is an AH.

Is your friend gay, or does he like very waiflike women?

Have you tried standing in front of a mirror and looking at yourself through your phone camera screen? What happens when you take a photo and look at it while you are still standing in front of the mirror. if you turn away from the mirror and look at the photo?

If you see yourself as you are in the photo in all the above scenarios, then what amount of time needs to elapse (and/or other factors) before photo-you looks overweight? Or does it never happen with that photo - perhaps because you 'proofed it' first by taking it in front of the mirror?

Obviously you don't have to worry about your weight because you have objective evidence that you don't have a problem (the number on the scales) - but the dissonance is fascinating - feel free to approach it as a really interesting experiment if you think you'd benefit from a reframe :-)

Yes, ignore him or tell him he's impotent, and move on with your day.

It sounds like something a teenage boy would say to a girl he has a crush on but doesn't want her to know.

Cut that guy out of your life

Go and see your GP

Go back and buy that dress!

I had a female friend who used to neg me. We’d be fine and happy and she’d come up with something out of the blue. I’m fat! I look like I’ve had a mini stroke because my skin sags. Lots of things. Horrible things. I ghosted her a couple of years ago and never looked back.
His comments say everything about him and nothing about you. You are lovely.

I wish someone had to me I was fat when I was. I’d have done something about it sooner. I didn’t realise how big I was getting

Well yeah you’re obviously very slim and don’t need strangers to point that out. Your ‘friend’ is no friend. Even if you were fat, a friend wouldn’t feel the need to come out and say something like that.

You're too busy trying to get into your own head on this when you should be focusing on his fucked-up psychology.

This guy was 100% trying to neg you, as PP have said. It's a misogynistic pickup tactic. He's probably got a crush on you and was looking for something, anything to make you feel bad about yourself, so you will crave his approval. So he commented on the fact you no longer have a child's body like you did in school.

It's normal, and appropriate, to go from having a very skinny child/teenage body in school to a more womanly figure in your twenties. It's not a bad thing to fill out a little, it means you are an adult, and your figure is absolutely enviable. You are still extremely slim.

Men who think women should look like children are always misogynistic creeps. They don't like women being actual equals to them, they like them being small - physically and mentally - and therefore easy to control.

Tell us a little about this guy and his behaviour - I bet we'll see a pattern emerge.

If you wouldn't take their advice, don't take their criticism.