Friend called me fat - can’t stop thinking about it

[Confusedmind96]

Hi

im going to try and make this as concise as possible and for it to make sense, just feeling a bit down though and wondered if anyone had any advice

I’ve always been fine with my body- I’ve never had any issues, tbh I played a lot of sports and had a fast metabolism which runs in my family and I’ve never had any concerns about my weight. I thought I’d stayed a fairly similar weight but I’ve definitely filled out a bit more in certain areas as im in my mid 20s now but I’ve been fine with it

But recently one of my friends made a joke and called me fat. He said it in a banter sort of way and I don’t think it was meant to be hurtful, but he made a joke that I had gained lots of weight and was heavy/chunky.

it honestly felt like something in my brain clicked in that moment and ever since then I haven’t been able to look at my body the same way

the thing is, i KNOW im not fat. I can tell from the number on the scales and from looking in the mirror. I’m not posting on here for people to say ‘omg hun you’re soo skinny!’ and fishing for compliments because I know I’m not fat, but it’s like when I look in the mirror it’s as if I see something completely different now.

i went into river island the other day to try on a dress because I have an event soon and basically burst into tears in the changing room because all I could find was issues with my body- I’ve got cellulite on my legs, my arms are bigger than they used to be and I’ve got a fat roll between my arm and chest (like a fold of skin at my armpit when I hold my arm by my side)

it was awful, I tried on a dress which I loved but I was so upset I couldn’t even focus and just wanted to get out asap because I couldn’t stomach even looking at myself in the mirror

i took some photos at the time, and the weird thing is from looking at them I KNOW im not fat, im not trying to pretend I am, but its like when I look in the mirror my brain sees something totally different. When I look objectively at the picture I know I’m not fat, but then when I look at myself all I see is my issues and it’s like something has totally clicked in my brain after the joke my friend made

I tried to speak to my friends for advice but they rolled their eyes and did the whole ‘don’t pretend you’re fat for attention or compliments’ thing. I tried so hard to explain I know im not fat and im not trying to pretend to be so they can tell me how skinny i am, but it’s like when i look in the mirror i see a totally different person and all i can see is problems now and it genuinely feels like my brain has been warped

just wondered if anyone had any advice or tips or had experienced similar? I’m so self conscious now in everything I wear and every meal I eat now and it’s just so exhausting always worrying about my body x

What @notallwombats said.

Body dysmorphic disorder is very frightening to live with. It gets minimized low self esteem or just being image conscious.

When you have it, it feels more like schizophrenia. You are hallucinating. You look in the mirror and quite literally see things that aren't there. And the hallucination you see is a distorted version of yourself. I think most people don't understand it's a LITERAL hallucination, not just "I see myself as fat/crooked nose" or whatever. It is very, very frightening.

OP, I'm very glad you caught it early. I would strongly recommend counselling sessions with a counsellor who specialises in BDD.

I had something like this at a party when DH and I had just got engaged.

I was 45 kg and about a size 4/6 but a friend of ours (who had always been really normal up to this point) asked in a dead pan way if we were getting married because I was pregnant. I thought it was a rather personal and impertinent question and thought well I'll fight fire with fire, so put him right on the spot and asked why he would think that. He said "because you look pregnant."

Like you, I knew I didn't, but couldn't fathom why he said it. I thought of it every so often for several years until, quite coincidentally, a mutual friend mentioned he had been incredibly keen to get married and took it hard when we got engaged. It was clearly just an attempt to insult out of jealousy - which didn't work because I was more just perplexed he had been so weird. I bet it turns out to be something like that. Try to ignore it - though I know it is hard.

Definitely this 👆🏻

I get why you feel like this. I don't know how to make you feel better other than saying you should concentrate on the photos you have which are your evidence that you are not fat. You have good insight into the fact you now have a warped picture of yourself. Also, remember that even though you are not fat, being fat is not the end of the world. It isn't true, but so what, if it were?

Exactly this
just ghost and move on you do not need horrible people in your life op.

The issue is not what you look like but how you have changed based on one comment. You've probably had many people including on this thread tell you that you have a lovely figure but you are disregarding them and fixating on one negative comment. This is not really about the comment but more about what insecurity it has revealed and why. I don't have the answers. The only thing I can say is that if you feel fat and believe you look fat in a mirror but deep down know you are not, it's horrible but a hell of a lot better than feeling fat, seeing fat in the mirror and knowing its the truth.

I'm not trying to diagnose you - but the way you keep repeating in your OP that you know you're not fat (which, you're not, btw!) is slightly alarming and suggests some sort of mental health issue has arisen. I would see your GP and try to get some counselling and nip it in the bud.

Good luck.

You are slim.
He has an ugly mind.

If you want someone fat to squash him to death, my size24 self is available.

And to this I would add "fat" is not as objective as some people make it out to be. It is one reason why I think BMIs are quite negative, as I know some people who are clearly a bit pudgy but don't register as overweight while others who have a more athletic' muscular build and are plainly not "fat" can have an obese BMI. I think it is harmful to try to put a concrete cut-off. What one person might call slim, another might call scrawny - and so on. It is very, very subjective.

Going against the grain here but usually friends don’t banter about someone being fat if they actually are fat.

I have lots of mates who call each other fat but only to those who aren’t actually fat.
Saying it to someone who is fat, would be nasty.

The fact that this person is your ‘friend’ and you’re obviously not fat, suggests he said it as banter and more ironically and he didn’t think you would take it to heart (because you’re bit fat/chunky).

Unfortunately it’s triggered body dysmorphia which is an awful thing to have.

Learning about David Kibbe helped me with this. I was always on the edge of being underweight, but I thought I looked fat because I have (what I would now describe as) a soft flesh type. So my face is soft looking, my arms, legs etc - I don’t have taught, toned looking flesh - and I never will.

If you think about someone like Courtney Cox in Friends, and compare her to Scarlett Johanssen, Scarlett is never going to have cheekbones like Courtney Cox, she’s never going to have that “firm” appearance. Once I understood that, it made so much sense and I could stop worrying that there was something wrong with me. There are beautiful women of every type. It sounds like you might be in one of the soft types too.

Came to say that. I’m as skinny as they come and I have that fold of skin between arm and chest.

“friends worth crying over will never make you cry”

X

You look like a supermodel. Your friend is a cunt. That is all there is to it xxx

It’s taken up a lot of space in your head because he said something new and unkind to and about you out of the blue, and emphasised it enough that you now on some level believe it. Cbt could help you with this. You do need to cut him out though, he’s the worst.

"I’ve got a fat roll between my arm and chest (like a fold of skin at my armpit when I hold my arm by my side)"

That's not a fat roll, that's an accessory part of your boob.

I'd be checking with my mutual friends whether he's been commenting on other people's/women's bodies. Team up against him.

Having muscular shoulders means you can punch absolute cunts harder.

Friends don't body shame you. He probably fancies the arse off you, and thought he'd gain traction by negging you about your weight. I'm adding to the chorus of people who say ditch him. If you confront him about it, he'll just say he was joking.

OP, I don't want to excuse your friend because he shouldn't have said that for the exact reason you're posting here - it can trigger body dysmorphia.
But I do wonder if he felt like it was safe to make a joke about you being fat because you're so obviously very slim that he might have thought you could never take it seriously? Kind of like joking about a very tall person being short? It was still a dick move regardless of what he thought, but it may not have been intended to be cruel.
I hope you get the help you need x

Can you afford to get a bit of counseling or get a GP to refer you? It’s not normal to fixate like this on something you know is untrue. If not, maybe try reading up a little about anxiety disorders. There’s a lot of bad shit happening in the world right now and maybe your brain is just centering on this intrusive thought to deal with some of that stress.

When I was young I went through anxiety and intrusive thoughts (I was constantly convinced I needed to pee even though I definitely didn’t, I knew I didn’t like you are saying. Totally took over my life/mind for years.) Two things helped:

1. Finding out that a lot of people suffer the same thing. That they overcome it, and so would I.
2. Getting a job that kept me so busy and focused on other people that I didn’t have time to think about myself for hours on end.

I hope some others who know more can tell you more about anxiety. It was a shitty comment for your friend to make, but so not accurate that he probably thought it was obvious it was a joke and you wouldn’t care.

Buy the dress!!! It’s stunning on you!!! X

Body dysmorphia. You can get help for this!
as for this “friend” who was trying to get your attention, please let the shiver down your spine be the realization that the dude is poison and he doesn’t deserve any more of your energy or time.
he’s no good.

No, you are giving way too much credence to a man who clearly fancies you and as you - sensibly- don't fancy him, comforts himself by calling you fat.

Adonis is he? Keep away from him. And any of your friends who don't listen to your concerns.

These concerns are more perhaps because you want something- a loving partner? And so as a human your brain starts scurrying about looking for a reason, and because you seem perfectly nice, attractive apart from your choice of friend! Has decided you are fat. You know you aren't. But you have low self esteem to belive this fool, so instead of hanging round with him, join a sport or activity you enjoy.

Oh, and you are very young really. I used to worry about this, but after a near death experience and 2 emcs, you realise you're just glad to be alive and able to walk about.

Get put there, get busy, make new friends and look after yourself. Enjoy a bit of cake. It's personality that keeps relationships going for decades, not skinny thighs and a sour expression whilst you tuck In to your chips.

Ditch the 'friend'. The only weight you need to lose is him!