Friend called me fat - can’t stop thinking about it

[Confusedmind96]

Hi

im going to try and make this as concise as possible and for it to make sense, just feeling a bit down though and wondered if anyone had any advice

I’ve always been fine with my body- I’ve never had any issues, tbh I played a lot of sports and had a fast metabolism which runs in my family and I’ve never had any concerns about my weight. I thought I’d stayed a fairly similar weight but I’ve definitely filled out a bit more in certain areas as im in my mid 20s now but I’ve been fine with it

But recently one of my friends made a joke and called me fat. He said it in a banter sort of way and I don’t think it was meant to be hurtful, but he made a joke that I had gained lots of weight and was heavy/chunky.

it honestly felt like something in my brain clicked in that moment and ever since then I haven’t been able to look at my body the same way

the thing is, i KNOW im not fat. I can tell from the number on the scales and from looking in the mirror. I’m not posting on here for people to say ‘omg hun you’re soo skinny!’ and fishing for compliments because I know I’m not fat, but it’s like when I look in the mirror it’s as if I see something completely different now.

i went into river island the other day to try on a dress because I have an event soon and basically burst into tears in the changing room because all I could find was issues with my body- I’ve got cellulite on my legs, my arms are bigger than they used to be and I’ve got a fat roll between my arm and chest (like a fold of skin at my armpit when I hold my arm by my side)

it was awful, I tried on a dress which I loved but I was so upset I couldn’t even focus and just wanted to get out asap because I couldn’t stomach even looking at myself in the mirror

i took some photos at the time, and the weird thing is from looking at them I KNOW im not fat, im not trying to pretend I am, but its like when I look in the mirror my brain sees something totally different. When I look objectively at the picture I know I’m not fat, but then when I look at myself all I see is my issues and it’s like something has totally clicked in my brain after the joke my friend made

I tried to speak to my friends for advice but they rolled their eyes and did the whole ‘don’t pretend you’re fat for attention or compliments’ thing. I tried so hard to explain I know im not fat and im not trying to pretend to be so they can tell me how skinny i am, but it’s like when i look in the mirror i see a totally different person and all i can see is problems now and it genuinely feels like my brain has been warped

just wondered if anyone had any advice or tips or had experienced similar? I’m so self conscious now in everything I wear and every meal I eat now and it’s just so exhausting always worrying about my body x

It sounds like that knobhead's comment triggered some form of body dysmorphia in you.

You logically know you're not fat, but some connection in your brain snapped into place wrongly when he made the comment (that was the shiver you felt) and now you are stuck. I'd recommend a few sessions with a therapist to reprogramme this faulty connection. Try to get an actual psychiatrist.

No amount of us telling you you're not fat, or you telling yourself you're not fat will fix this. (Though obviously, for the record, you are very slim!) It's a brain issue and it should be fairly easy to reprogramme before the thought gets too ingrained.

You are definitely the slimmest fat girl I’ve ever seen.

You look stunning and your friend is a dick

Cut your mate off

Having seen the photos it is obvious that you're very slim. Something has happened in your brain. I'm no expert so I won't guess but I do think that if you perceive yourself to be fat, you need professional help.

Thank you so much for all the advice I’ll take it all board!

I genuinely didn’t post those pictures to fish for compliments, it was actually because I know I’m being absolutely ridiculous and need to screw my fucking head on and stop being so silly. It’s just been freaking me out how my brain seems to be completely warping what I’m seeing in real life when I know it’s objectively NOT true

What a disgrace for a man to comment on a woman's body!

About 85% of the girls I went to school with are overweight or obese now so I think it's pretty standard to have a roll here or there.

Either he was negging you/staking a claim to his god-given right to issue proclamations on women’s bodies (this seems to be very important to males psychologically) - or, honestly, he thought it was so obvious you’re slender that he had no idea you would take his shit joke to heart. TBH from the pictures you’ve posted you so clearly have a great figure that I slightly wonder if you’ve posted all this to fish for compliments. But if you haven’t, you need to do what Taylor Swift describes in her ‘Miss Americana’ doc when she’s talking about her previous eating disorder, and change the channel in your head. Please don’t waste a single second more of your life on this. If you were fat it wouldn’t matter (except conceivably from a health perspective), and in any case you’re not. Buy a good book, call a friend, take a walk in the fresh air, change the channel and focus on something more interesting and worthwhile.

Agree with this. Get this addressed with a professional therapist or counsellor before it takes root long term. You look great.

Great response @LittlestBoho hope you can get it sorted @Confusedmind96 so angry for you. I'd kick him right in the balls if he was here now.

You are very slim
You look incredible in that dress.

Your friend is a nasty twat.

It sounds like you’re describing body dysmorphia which can lead to anorexia and I note you say you are conscious of every meal now. I would consider seeking professional help if you can’t shake this.

@Confusedmind96 I kind of get what you’re saying as my photos do not look how I see myself in the mirror.

I also see many faults when looking in the mirror, fat arms, chunky thighs, saggy face etc… but in my photos, I’m drop-dead gorgeous! 😂. Not quite that but very slim, presentable and about 5-10 years younger. So, now I know this, I just try and look at recent photos now and again to keep reality in check. It avoids too much self criticism.

Yes I agree with this. Maybe something like CBT? But it does sound like it’s a body dysmorphic thing.

And you should also ditch that man “friend” for making you feel so sad. Don’t give him any power let alone this much.

Oh my gosh I googled ‘body dysmorphia’ and it came up with the EXACT same thing I was trying to explain (but not explaining very well)

there’s literally an article about someone with the EXACT same thing I’ve been feeling

genuinely feel like I’m not going crazy now, I was honestly starting to worry there was something wrong with my head!

im going to look into body dysmorphia some more and how other people have fixed it. Thank you so so much

I’m so glad I posted on here! x

He isn't a friend.

But recently one of my friends made a joke and called me fat. He said it in a banter sort of way and I don’t think it was meant to be hurtful, but he made a joke that I had gained lots of weight and was heavy/chunky

what did he actually say & what was the context?

This almost sounds like OCD (which I have) in that I never really think that whatever I’m scared of is really true but I still get obsessed with trying to prove that it isn’t.

OP I used to experience what you are experiencing, for most of my teens/20s. I was a size 8-10 and knew I wasn’t fat but I felt like I looked fat. People always assumed I was fishing for compliments when I said it. I spent most of that time on some sort of diet and did some very unhealthy things to lose weight. I think I was probably verging on an eating disorder but always felt like an imposter because I did know deep down I wasn’t fat, whereas surely an actual anorexic does think they are fat?? When I look back at photos now I can see how crazy it was (though, like you I did know that logically I wasn’t fat).

Ironically I am now actually fat (like really, it’s not just my brain this time!) and I don’t seem to care any more. Like, I’d like to lose weight but it doesn’t bother me in an obsessive way like it use to.

It sounds like the beginning of body dysmorphia potentially, so maybe look in to some counselling like others have suggested.

Not excusing him, but do you think he was jokingly calling you fat because he knows and everyone else around you knows that you are very far from fat? He might be horrified if he found out how you feel? Just re read and maybe not if he actually said you're putting on weight, very odd.

Clearly you're not fat, not even remotely. If he told you that you had 3 heads and 4 arms, would you believe him?! No! So don't entertain any of what he said a, because it's not true and b, no good friend would ever go out their way to upset you even if you were fat.

Go easy, listen to the side of you that knows he's talking bollocks and don't give him anymore headspace. I hope you find some help to deal with this. hugs

The thing is I haven’t actually lost any weight or started actively trying to get skinnier (I’ve definitely started thinking about being skinnier when I’m eating food but I haven’t really cut calories or done anything like that) because realistically I knew I didn’t have to lose weight and I knew the issue wasn’t with my weight itself but with what my brain was seeing if that makes sense! Plus I genuinely just like food too much to cut down haha and with sports it would be dangerous, but it was just the horrible negative thoughts about how I looked that were getting me down

now I know it’s body dysmorphia and I’m not just going completely insane I can actually try and get it sorted hopefully! x

Honestly if you don’t snap out of this headspace in the next few weeks and move on from his stupid comment then you should ask for some talking therapy from the GP. He obviously shouldn’t have said it but you’re so far from anything other than slim that I assume he would have not thought you’d take it literally. But body dismorphia is real and you need to get help if continue to feel that way

That dress looks amazing. You are slim and beautiful.

The guy is a prick.

Either he fancies you and was negging you (trying to bring you down) or he is just a thoughtless weasel or he said it because he has his own issues.

Op, now you know what it is, recognise it, and let it go.

It is literally 'wrong thinking'!

One of my only regrets in life is that I had facial dysmorphia from my teens to about late twenties and I wasted so much time and energy over a belief (that I was ugly) that wasn't real. It was pointless and then it turned out I was wrong anyway. I was fine looking. It really was a mistaken belief.

I feel foolish I tricked my own self. Go out and live your best life!