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Original poster

Friend called me fat - can’t stop thinking about it

210 replies

Confusedmind96 · 07/05/2026 21:28

Hi

im going to try and make this as concise as possible and for it to make sense, just feeling a bit down though and wondered if anyone had any advice

I’ve always been fine with my body- I’ve never had any issues, tbh I played a lot of sports and had a fast metabolism which runs in my family and I’ve never had any concerns about my weight. I thought I’d stayed a fairly similar weight but I’ve definitely filled out a bit more in certain areas as im in my mid 20s now but I’ve been fine with it

But recently one of my friends made a joke and called me fat. He said it in a banter sort of way and I don’t think it was meant to be hurtful, but he made a joke that I had gained lots of weight and was heavy/chunky.

it honestly felt like something in my brain clicked in that moment and ever since then I haven’t been able to look at my body the same way

the thing is, i KNOW im not fat. I can tell from the number on the scales and from looking in the mirror. I’m not posting on here for people to say ‘omg hun you’re soo skinny!’ and fishing for compliments because I know I’m not fat, but it’s like when I look in the mirror it’s as if I see something completely different now.

i went into river island the other day to try on a dress because I have an event soon and basically burst into tears in the changing room because all I could find was issues with my body- I’ve got cellulite on my legs, my arms are bigger than they used to be and I’ve got a fat roll between my arm and chest (like a fold of skin at my armpit when I hold my arm by my side)

it was awful, I tried on a dress which I loved but I was so upset I couldn’t even focus and just wanted to get out asap because I couldn’t stomach even looking at myself in the mirror

i took some photos at the time, and the weird thing is from looking at them I KNOW im not fat, im not trying to pretend I am, but its like when I look in the mirror my brain sees something totally different. When I look objectively at the picture I know I’m not fat, but then when I look at myself all I see is my issues and it’s like something has totally clicked in my brain after the joke my friend made

I tried to speak to my friends for advice but they rolled their eyes and did the whole ‘don’t pretend you’re fat for attention or compliments’ thing. I tried so hard to explain I know im not fat and im not trying to pretend to be so they can tell me how skinny i am, but it’s like when i look in the mirror i see a totally different person and all i can see is problems now and it genuinely feels like my brain has been warped

just wondered if anyone had any advice or tips or had experienced similar? I’m so self conscious now in everything I wear and every meal I eat now and it’s just so exhausting always worrying about my body x

OP posts:
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Original poster
Confusedmind96 · 07/05/2026 22:24

modgepodge · 07/05/2026 22:19

OP I used to experience what you are experiencing, for most of my teens/20s. I was a size 8-10 and knew I wasn’t fat but I felt like I looked fat. People always assumed I was fishing for compliments when I said it. I spent most of that time on some sort of diet and did some very unhealthy things to lose weight. I think I was probably verging on an eating disorder but always felt like an imposter because I did know deep down I wasn’t fat, whereas surely an actual anorexic does think they are fat?? When I look back at photos now I can see how crazy it was (though, like you I did know that logically I wasn’t fat).

Ironically I am now actually fat (like really, it’s not just my brain this time!) and I don’t seem to care any more. Like, I’d like to lose weight but it doesn’t bother me in an obsessive way like it use to.

It sounds like the beginning of body dysmorphia potentially, so maybe look in to some counselling like others have suggested.

Ah thank you so much (and thank you to everyone else on here too) ❤️

you actually summed up perfectly how lonely it can be because the last thing you want is people thinking you’re just looking for compliments and reassurance, but then because you can’t talk about it it makes you feel so alone with it all. Which just makes it all worse!

honestly us girls have it so tough don’t we!!

OP posts:
Greengagesnfennel · 07/05/2026 22:24

i have no answers but just wanted to say that i know what you mean about seeing yourself in the mirror differently to photos.

Mine is the other way around! I know from photos (and the scales) that i am overweight, but when i look in the mirror i see a thin smaller me like I used to be. It means i start doubting my own eyes as I know they must be wrong.

Fwiw strangers on the internet have no vested interests and you are Definutely V slim in those photos. I agree with consensus. This guy is negging you.

LoyalMember · 07/05/2026 22:24

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Lovesacake · 07/05/2026 22:25

Maybe try telling yourself that it’s ok to be fat. I mean, you’re not fat but if you were you would still have the same value you have now. It’s not something to be terrified of.

Nevs · 07/05/2026 22:25

Thecows · 07/05/2026 22:20

Not excusing him, but do you think he was jokingly calling you fat because he knows and everyone else around you knows that you are very far from fat? He might be horrified if he found out how you feel? Just re read and maybe not if he actually said you're putting on weight, very odd.

Edited

I was going to post exactly this. He obviously joked about this so confidently as you are extremely thin, he was being ironic. Like when someone joked to Margot Robbie “It’s just such a shame that you’re so unattractive”

I think you would benefit from therapy OP

LizandDerekGoals · 07/05/2026 22:25

Thecows · 07/05/2026 22:20

Not excusing him, but do you think he was jokingly calling you fat because he knows and everyone else around you knows that you are very far from fat? He might be horrified if he found out how you feel? Just re read and maybe not if he actually said you're putting on weight, very odd.

Edited

You are working really hard to excuse shitty male behaviour here. Don’t.

Trallers · 07/05/2026 22:25

I think you're managing to be very self-aware and sensible about this so far.

I would caution you about giving it too much headspace and analysis though, as it can still end up consuming your thoughts in an unhealthy way even when youre just trying to make sense of it.

You've identified a chink in your armour that your (non)friend stuck his arrow in. Don't focus on it, give your hesdapace to positive things and try and move this along so you don't get stuck on it. You are fab, you look great, and you want to use your body to do amazing things rather than stress about what it may or may not look like.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 07/05/2026 22:26

Well, it’s great news that you can objectively see that your brain is playing tricks on you!
There’s a couple of things you can do straight away.
Firstly, stop obsessing. The brain is excellent at repeating patterns. The more often you say ‘OMG my arms, my cellulite!’, etc the more easily your brain repeats it. Like a parrot.
Teach your brain some new phrases about how strong your legs are and how useful it is to reach into cupboards. Whatever little things cross your mind, repeat them. Thank goodness my feet are comfortable in these shoes. Hooray, my lips are nice and pink! Great, I don’t need glasses! Teach your brain a new trick.

vintageboymum · 07/05/2026 22:26

This scenario happened to me, too. A schoolfriend made a humorous comment which flicked a switch and launched years of eating disorders and body dysmorphia. I wouldn't want anyone to go down that path, so If you find you can't put this behind you, maybe seek professional help sooner rather than later. It would be such a waste not to enjoy being young with a lovely figure!

ButterYellowFlowers · 07/05/2026 22:27

It’s nasty to comment on other people’s bodies. Everyone has that fat by their armpit btw… that’s how our flesh doesn’t rip when we raise our arms. And the majority of women have some cellulite.

Your friend dented your self esteem. You have to get it back up. You could try CBT. Or a self-love journal. But really you just have to remember that he’s a prick and he did it to make you feel bad so why would you care for his opinion?

FeistyFrankie · 07/05/2026 22:27

Sounds like his comment may have triggered some kind of body dysmorphia in you OP. Have you ever struggled with your body image in the past?

I would cut your friend loose, he sounds fucking horrible.

Maybe try some CBT where you say/write down lots of nice things about your body. That should help "re-wire" your brain and get you out of this negative headspace you're in.

ButterYellowFlowers · 07/05/2026 22:28

Lovesacake · 07/05/2026 22:25

Maybe try telling yourself that it’s ok to be fat. I mean, you’re not fat but if you were you would still have the same value you have now. It’s not something to be terrified of.

Or this. If you can’t decide you’re not fat maybe decide being fat isn’t bad.

OtherS · 07/05/2026 22:29

I don't know if he's a knob and was trying to insult you, or whether it was a jokey sarcastic 'haha, you're sooo huge' because it's obvious that you are nothing of the sort. You know him, so you know which it is. But regardless, your reaction is definitely worrying and it does sound like you really need to have a chat with your GP about getting some therapy. You're actually remarkable to have consciously noticed your reaction and questioned it, and to have asked for help. You'll be fine, your brain just needs a little talking to!

RinielUrban · 07/05/2026 22:30

I had a fella first time out after having a baby. Hey riniel not seen you for ages! Oh yeah I had a baby! Oh yeah I can tell.
fuckin arsehole
men can be the meanest pieces of dirt. I still hear that in my head. Try not to give it any headspace
c@nts

ItstoolateformeDaveyourselves · 07/05/2026 22:31

LittlestBoho · 07/05/2026 22:08

It sounds like that knobhead's comment triggered some form of body dysmorphia in you.

You logically know you're not fat, but some connection in your brain snapped into place wrongly when he made the comment (that was the shiver you felt) and now you are stuck. I'd recommend a few sessions with a therapist to reprogramme this faulty connection. Try to get an actual psychiatrist.

No amount of us telling you you're not fat, or you telling yourself you're not fat will fix this. (Though obviously, for the record, you are very slim!) It's a brain issue and it should be fairly easy to reprogramme before the thought gets too ingrained.

This is good advice.

Calendulaaria · 07/05/2026 22:32

Confusedmind96 · 07/05/2026 21:56

I wasn’t actually going to post the pictures from when I was in river island but what the hell. It will show how utterly ridiculous im being

the thing is, if I think about it objectively and look at the pictures as if it’s someone else, I think they look fine. But when I know it’s me in the pictures all I can think about is my broad shoulders, or how my arm has gained weight, or how I look chunky even though logically I KNOW I don’t

I KNOW I don’t look fat and I KNOW im not fat, that’s the confusing thing, I know I’m not, but when I look in the mirror I genuinely feel like im seeing a different thing from these objective photos, it honestly feels like my brain is playing tricks on me or as if my eyes are making me see myself different to how I actually am - what is in these pictures is NOT what my brain sees when I look in the mirror now

the only example I can describe it is I KNOW I have blonde hair, so if my brain randomly started trying to convince me I had black hair I would be like eh no I don’t, and if I looked at photos of me with blonde hair and my brain was still like see you have BLACK hair over and over again even though im looking at the blonde hair, it’s like it’s playing tricks on me

I know that sounds totally ridiculous but it’s honestly the best way I can describe it, like when I was in the fitting room looking in the mirror it was as if I was seeing something completely different and my brain was playing tricks on me x

When I was in my 20s and 45kg, trying on a swimming costume, I started to feel hysterical. I felt so massively overweight and had a panic attack. I remember how disgusted my friend was with me and felt so much shame. I honestly felt so ugly and like my body was out of control. Turns out I had CPTSD but didn't know it. Now I am in my 50s and over 70kg and feel much better about my body because I have strategies for dealing with the CPTSD. Anyway, that may not help you but I relate. The feeling you had when he said it could be that it triggered your core wound / trauma.

JustSawJohnny · 07/05/2026 22:33

I knew someone at school who was thin but her brother called her a fat cow, ONCE, when pushing past her in a doorway and it absolutely wrecked her.

From that one comment she developed anorexia and ended up being hospitalised for a long period.

If I were you, I would be telling that 'friend' what a ginormous cunt he is and blocking him and then maybe have a think about getting some therapy to help you get on top of this disordered thinking.

AImportantMermaid · 07/05/2026 22:44

He’s negging you - trying to get you to think you’re less amazing than you are, so you’ll be grateful for any crumbs of attention he gives you. My guess is that he probably wants to date you but thinks you’re out of his league. By lowering your self esteem he’s trying to get you to think he’s ’good enough’ and that you can’t get better.

DinoDoughnut81 · 07/05/2026 22:48

PeoniesAreMyFavouriteFlowers · 07/05/2026 21:46

He was negging you. It’s what men do to try and make women feel inadequate.

Shop changing rooms are always deeply unflattering too. If I owned a shop I would Havel lighting that soothed and flattered my customers so they would feel amazing.

But please don’t obsess about your appearance. Keep strong and fit. I bet you look amazing.

I thought negging too.

Hereforthecommentz · 07/05/2026 22:49

JustSawJohnny · 07/05/2026 22:33

I knew someone at school who was thin but her brother called her a fat cow, ONCE, when pushing past her in a doorway and it absolutely wrecked her.

From that one comment she developed anorexia and ended up being hospitalised for a long period.

If I were you, I would be telling that 'friend' what a ginormous cunt he is and blocking him and then maybe have a think about getting some therapy to help you get on top of this disordered thinking.

This happened to my daughter too, a friend called her fat, but it's much more complex than that. Most people can be called fat and just shrug it off or be hurt but not develop an ED. For people who have EDs they can't but it's a very complicated issue and something else would have likely triggered her anorexia at some point, stress, another trauma, exams ect. Brothers and sisters routinely say nasty things to each other. It's a shit situation for your friend and for her brother thinking he's caused her illness. Very sad indeed.

MaidOfSteel · 07/05/2026 22:55

You know what I’d do, especially now I’m middle aged and less concerned about hurting people who have hurt me. I’d tell that so-called friend exactly how bad he has made you feel. Turn it back around on him. Take back your power.

And every time you find yourself having these wrong thoughts about yourself, distract yourself by thinking about something nice.

UnhappyHobbit · 07/05/2026 22:58

This happened to me at 14. I’ve never been the same since and never really loved my body in adult hood. Please don’t listen. We can all look at ourselves and criticise our bodies until the cows come home. No one is truly perfect. For every negative you find, find a positive.

Thecows · 07/05/2026 23:05

LizandDerekGoals · 07/05/2026 22:25

You are working really hard to excuse shitty male behaviour here. Don’t.

Show quote history

No I am not. I'm exploring different scenarios, I edited to add I'd reread and decided my reasoning wasn't feasible.

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 07/05/2026 23:05

Oh my goodness. When I saw you were going to post pictures, I genuinely expected that perhaps you might be slightly overweight but people were going to be polite and say you looked lovely. No need to be polite to lessen the damage. You are absolutely trim, lean, in shape, slim. In fact, I can only think he said this thinking you’d know this was a joke and you couldn’t possibly be viewed as fat.

I’ve had disordered eating myself (ex told me I always had my arse hanging out of the fridge and all of his exes were slimmer - when I was a size 10-12) and I now go to the gym five times a week as a result so please trust me when I say I understand the horrible feeling you’re having as well as understanding what a body in good nick looks like!

God, he’s a dick! You are NOT FAT.

Pistachiocake · 07/05/2026 23:08

I don't want to say all men have been trained to put each other down, and all women have now been trained to say, at least in public, that fat-shaming is bad, but it's true for some.
Our bodies change. If you're healthy and feel good, ignore it.