Friend called me fat - can’t stop thinking about it

[Confusedmind96]

Hi

im going to try and make this as concise as possible and for it to make sense, just feeling a bit down though and wondered if anyone had any advice

I’ve always been fine with my body- I’ve never had any issues, tbh I played a lot of sports and had a fast metabolism which runs in my family and I’ve never had any concerns about my weight. I thought I’d stayed a fairly similar weight but I’ve definitely filled out a bit more in certain areas as im in my mid 20s now but I’ve been fine with it

But recently one of my friends made a joke and called me fat. He said it in a banter sort of way and I don’t think it was meant to be hurtful, but he made a joke that I had gained lots of weight and was heavy/chunky.

it honestly felt like something in my brain clicked in that moment and ever since then I haven’t been able to look at my body the same way

the thing is, i KNOW im not fat. I can tell from the number on the scales and from looking in the mirror. I’m not posting on here for people to say ‘omg hun you’re soo skinny!’ and fishing for compliments because I know I’m not fat, but it’s like when I look in the mirror it’s as if I see something completely different now.

i went into river island the other day to try on a dress because I have an event soon and basically burst into tears in the changing room because all I could find was issues with my body- I’ve got cellulite on my legs, my arms are bigger than they used to be and I’ve got a fat roll between my arm and chest (like a fold of skin at my armpit when I hold my arm by my side)

it was awful, I tried on a dress which I loved but I was so upset I couldn’t even focus and just wanted to get out asap because I couldn’t stomach even looking at myself in the mirror

i took some photos at the time, and the weird thing is from looking at them I KNOW im not fat, im not trying to pretend I am, but its like when I look in the mirror my brain sees something totally different. When I look objectively at the picture I know I’m not fat, but then when I look at myself all I see is my issues and it’s like something has totally clicked in my brain after the joke my friend made

I tried to speak to my friends for advice but they rolled their eyes and did the whole ‘don’t pretend you’re fat for attention or compliments’ thing. I tried so hard to explain I know im not fat and im not trying to pretend to be so they can tell me how skinny i am, but it’s like when i look in the mirror i see a totally different person and all i can see is problems now and it genuinely feels like my brain has been warped

just wondered if anyone had any advice or tips or had experienced similar? I’m so self conscious now in everything I wear and every meal I eat now and it’s just so exhausting always worrying about my body x

Good, I’m glad you know you’re not fat. There are a lot of women out there who would give anything to have a figure like yours. Stop stressing over your friends comments. Why are you so bothered about his opinion? Either take it with a pinch of salt or find better friends if it’s going to upset you this much.

You need to rewire your brain. You look in the mirror and tell yourself what you like about your body. Everyday no matter how you're dressed. You look at yourself and you compliment yourself.
Your brain is looking for faults, you need to make it look for positives.

Have you heard of body neutrality? It’s about seeing your size and body as irrelevant and uninteresting, rather than positivity and trying to love your body.

The other advice I’d say is look into Acceptance and Commitment therapy or counselling, it’s helped me loads for issues where I feel like my brain is stuck on a thought. One element of that is to choose a stock phrase you use whenever your brain points out something you don’t like, to diffuse the thought. Find something that allows you to move on and go back to what you were doing. Maybe “nobody cares’, ‘thanks brain’. Then move your attention back to what you do want to focus on, on this case perhaps the colours of the dress.

basically your brain has learnt now that these thoughts feel scary and so it’s showing you them lots to try and help protect you. However you don’t need them and giving the attention will cause them to appear more.

You WILL move on from this, you are clear minded in seeing your body more objectively, so just help yourself get past these sticky thoughts and I know you’ll feel better and this will be a weird phase you can look back on 💐

I wonder if you usually value his opinion, so now your brain is scanning your body to see if his claims check out?

If that’s the case your brain is searching for what it thinks might be potential signs of being ‘fat’ or ‘chunky’ but the best it can come up with is grasping at straws area that are supposed to be covered in a layer of fat.

I think acknowledging to your brain that you have checked out his claims thoroughly and found them to be untrue might help. And also place him in the ‘his opinion/claims cannot be trusted’ camp.

Im sure once you have updated your brain with the new facts about this man, that you will return to the way you were seeing your body.

I struggled with a (thankfully mild) eating disorder when younger and definitely recognise the body dysmorphia you are describing.

A few things which I think helped me. One, like yourself, on some level I was thankfully aware of reality on some level so I didn't tip into a full blown issue. Two, pregnancy made me really really focus on nourishment - I was eating for someone else, my range of healthy foods expanded and I began to really concentrate on superb fresh meal prep. I also went on a cookery course just before that, so I'm sure that had an impact. Three, and actually the one perhaps most transformative, injury and recovery from injury, made me realise that what I should be aiming for was strength ie that 'strength' is the holy grail, not 'slim'. And in fact that aiming for 'slim' can be the enemy of 'strength', which is so incredibly important.

My children are now grown, but I am so pleased for my DD that her arm muscles, her butt and leg muscles... body-wise, that's what she focuses on and is proud of (not obsessively, but in a lovely positive way) and what her amazing body is then capable of - she can do things with ease that I am only learning to do now in later life like proper pressups.

We were buying pants (just turned 18, she was with me on a supermarket run and I thought I would capitalise on the fact she was with me) and she asked me the size I normally bought her and then asked for a size up as she said she had a 'fat ass'. I immediately went into 'No you don't!' a bit horrified, thinking body negativity creeping in, and she laughed to say that for her generation a fat ass is a good thing. It is something she is specifically trying to develop in the gym. She was happy and positive and actually really pleased with herself, which so, so pleased me.

So my recommendation is you think of all the things your amazing body can do and focus on strengthen it and developing it. Build a body that is going to see you through a lifetime.

It is a mind shift, but an incredibly important one and your future self will thank you.

Mum of an anorexic teen, please, like others are suggesting to the op, get help. You didn’t have anorexia. You have anorexia and albeit you perhaps may have stopped restricting, from what you’re saying, it doesn’t sound as if you ever fully recovered. And at size 6/8, I am thinking you may have continued to control your food intake, which is still a form of restriction. If this is the case, that’s not full recovery, that’s being a functioning anorexic.

Id say ‘well I heard you have a micro penis but here we are’. You have a lovely figure.. tell him to go fuck himself. Arrogant prick.

You’re very slim.
He is negging you.
He's a twat.
You need to work on your self esteem. You will come across a minority of people like this time and again during your lifetime and it’s going to be necessary to put them in their sad little place.

Your friend is a controlling dick - I'd start my healing by getting rid of that toxic piece of shit.

I had this recently and I’m 5”8 and 9lb3!

Turned around and said well I’ve had 2 kids, what’s your excuse? Felt like adding at least I can lose a few lbs, shame you can’t grow a few inches to your knob.

Normally when told I’ve put on weight by someone bigger than me I usually breezily reply so have you!

People are so rude.

Sounds like you're describing body dysmorphia ?

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/body-dysmorphia/

CBT is the suggestion...

(You're certainly not fat, at all, it sounds like a thought that's got stuck in your head that you can't get rid of)

Get new friends— they all sound vile

Hypnotherapy or NLP can help with this kind of thing. Counselling might. But honestly it sounds like you’ve been triggered by something he said - we can’t see our whole selves apart from a view in the mirror and it’s only other people who can.. but even if you were fat (you’re not) would that make you awful? I have overweight friends and I wouldn’t love them more if they lost weight.. so some counselling to work out your issues and/or hypno can probably help. But well done for seeking out some support - I don’t think you’re fishing for compliments but I think you’re trying too hard to stop thinking about pink elephants (meaning you’re getting more and more stressed telling yourself you shouldn’t think a certain way). Find some ways to relax and it may go away naturally.. or ease off until you can get some support.

@Confusedmind96I’d speak to him, tell him how he made you feel depending on his response decide what to do, he was a complete dick, you know you’re not overweight be your own cheerleader!

The weird thing about life (as someone in late 50s) is that it’s only when we’re older that we realise how slim and beautiful we were when young. When we’re young, we can’t see it so much. We find fault with our bodies or compare them to others - even worse these days due to manipulated images online and even AI.

Plus, our bodies constantly change. Someone in their 20s is different to a very young woman in her late teens. And so on. So clothes that suited us at one age may not feel so good as our bodies change. Most people do have cellulite somewhere.

You look beautiful. You’re very slim. Enjoy every minute.

The other thing you realise as you age is what utter a-holes men can be. With their nasty ‘banter’ and thoughtlessness. When you’re a young woman, the throwaway comments of men can really hit home.

So I’m passing you some wisdom of age:

Know your worth. Which is your character, intellect and wit. Find the beauty in yourself, which is unique to you and no one else has. Love and care for your body through healthy habits. And ignore what men (or other women) tell you about how you look. Fashions come and go. Everyone wanted to be a waif, like Twiggy or Kate Moss, then Beyoncé arrived and everyone wanted a body like hers. You do you.

Thank you for this ❤️
I’ve spent my whole life believing negative things people told me I was as a child. What a waste!

You look great in the dress and not overweight at all. What a horrible guy. I just don’t understand some people but he probably has self esteem issues himself or wants to bring you down a peg or two. It’s all on him.

You have always been very slim and athletic and your body has changed from an adolescent into an adult woman. Your body has changed shape, everyone’s does. You are not fat. You know that, but of course a comment like this will affect you. Something very similar happened to me in my late teens and I’m sorry to say I have battled an eating disorder ever since. Don’t let this idiotic comment take you down a dangerous road.

The good thing is that you have recognised this early and you are addressing it.

he is no mate. Banter is bullying.

You know you need to go back for that dress, right, OP? It really suits you.

You look amazing. A lot of people would kill for that figure!!

Should say WHEN I was a child

Have you thought about becoming a counsellor?!

Why worry about what others think with your appearance? Be how you want to be. 🤷‍♀️

Actually it’s not just women. It’s men too. Increasingly so. It’s all the imagery of ‘perfection’ and being judged and valued for superficial things. And I think living in a world where we feel a loss of control so it’s turned in onto ourselves.