Friend called me fat - can’t stop thinking about it

[Confusedmind96]

Hi

im going to try and make this as concise as possible and for it to make sense, just feeling a bit down though and wondered if anyone had any advice

I’ve always been fine with my body- I’ve never had any issues, tbh I played a lot of sports and had a fast metabolism which runs in my family and I’ve never had any concerns about my weight. I thought I’d stayed a fairly similar weight but I’ve definitely filled out a bit more in certain areas as im in my mid 20s now but I’ve been fine with it

But recently one of my friends made a joke and called me fat. He said it in a banter sort of way and I don’t think it was meant to be hurtful, but he made a joke that I had gained lots of weight and was heavy/chunky.

it honestly felt like something in my brain clicked in that moment and ever since then I haven’t been able to look at my body the same way

the thing is, i KNOW im not fat. I can tell from the number on the scales and from looking in the mirror. I’m not posting on here for people to say ‘omg hun you’re soo skinny!’ and fishing for compliments because I know I’m not fat, but it’s like when I look in the mirror it’s as if I see something completely different now.

i went into river island the other day to try on a dress because I have an event soon and basically burst into tears in the changing room because all I could find was issues with my body- I’ve got cellulite on my legs, my arms are bigger than they used to be and I’ve got a fat roll between my arm and chest (like a fold of skin at my armpit when I hold my arm by my side)

it was awful, I tried on a dress which I loved but I was so upset I couldn’t even focus and just wanted to get out asap because I couldn’t stomach even looking at myself in the mirror

i took some photos at the time, and the weird thing is from looking at them I KNOW im not fat, im not trying to pretend I am, but its like when I look in the mirror my brain sees something totally different. When I look objectively at the picture I know I’m not fat, but then when I look at myself all I see is my issues and it’s like something has totally clicked in my brain after the joke my friend made

I tried to speak to my friends for advice but they rolled their eyes and did the whole ‘don’t pretend you’re fat for attention or compliments’ thing. I tried so hard to explain I know im not fat and im not trying to pretend to be so they can tell me how skinny i am, but it’s like when i look in the mirror i see a totally different person and all i can see is problems now and it genuinely feels like my brain has been warped

just wondered if anyone had any advice or tips or had experienced similar? I’m so self conscious now in everything I wear and every meal I eat now and it’s just so exhausting always worrying about my body x

Agreed, a fully grown adult should know better. Comments about weight even jokingly are hurtful to everyone regardless of ED.

You’re very slim. That friend is no friend.

You just look normal.

You should definitely get some help with understanding why one throwaway comments from one dickhead bloke affects you so much.

Please do not diet in an extreme way. My SIL is complete opposite to me (tall and slim) and she allows herself cake and biscuits and chocolate - in moderation and lots of fruit too. Large sharing bag of crisps she shares with her DH and kids in bowls. She burns calories fast naturally though.

This.

Are you sure he wasn't being sarcastic? Trying to get a laugh? What a stupid arse.
You have a beautiful figure. Don't let this nonsense affect your confidence. You're only young, stupid mean people are going to say stupid mean stuff. Make like a duck, let it roll off like water. 🦆

You don't sound fat.. I think your friend was exaggerating. If he were to be accurate, you merely filled out more than you were when you were 17. What you could do is toning excersize and you'll be good.
I hate when people don't use their brains when they make critical statements. When my mother was young, a young guy... a stranger, actually said to her, "God your'e ugly", when she was walking out of the swimming pool. That affected her all her life. My mother was actually a very beautiful woman who had men flirt with her , but because of his rude critical comment, she looked at herself as always ugly. I saw photos of her that my father had taken of her before I was born at her funeral two years ago., and we couldn't get over how stunning she was even then... she could have actually been a model!

Your friend sounds grim, seeing anything more developed than a teenager's body as fat.

Ideally I don’t think we should comment on other people’s bodies and often what other people say is actually a reflection of what they are thinking of themselves. Perhaps try to take the power away from the word fat. It was unnecessary for your friend to make a comment about your body and it sounds like deep down you know it’s not true so how would you feel if he said you were tall or short or had blue eyes when you have brown etc and probably you’re response would be something like that’s a random thing to say so try to have the same reaction to fat. Also perhaps have a chat with your friend about boundaries and comments about bodies being off limits.

That shiver down your spine, it’s because he is an abusive, gaslighting arsehole and you thought he was your friend. That shiver is telling you that him and his words are not congruent with the truth and it’s manipulative.
Well done for recognising that there is nothing g wrong with you or your body! This is a very valuable experience and you learned how to recognise someone who is abusive!
If you pulled him up on this, he’d just make it out he was joking and you can’t take a joke. You’d feel confused and that it’s somehow your fault. But it isn’t!
Block and delete his number. Block him on social media. If you see him, cross the road. If he talks to you, walk away.
I hope you don’t work with him or have to see him for some reason on a regular basis.
Just go for complete no contact.

Your “friend” is for some reason only known to him is trying to bring you down, you don’t need people like this in your life, they have issues and they are trying to make you feel insecure so that they feel better . He sounds deeply insecure and your beautiful body is intimidating him , that’s what’s really going on. If he ever says something again I would respond loudly and confidently that he must need his eyes testing because you look and feel sexy as hell and then laugh at him . Your confidence in yourself will put him back in his little corner.
I am 45 now and I have so many stories of friends or family making such comments , please take the benefit of my experiences I can guarantee you that all such comments are more about the person than about you, I still get it from time to time now and I just ignore and avoid these people , I am not rude but I don’t engage with them at all, I've seen their circus and its tedious, there are much lovelier people out there for you to be friends with xx

Could he have just been taking the p*ss?

Hey, I think you might be asking how to reverse the warped view of yourself? Sadly, brains are weird and have the ability to play tricks on us. Read up a bit on how we see things (the literal process of light to eyes to brains and the 'mind's eye'). In the meantime, until you can see yourself 'as a whole' again and be happy with it, maybe consider if you're eating as healthily as you could be and if you're as active as you should be. Never anything wrong with eliminating junk food and doing more exercise. Oh and have a direct conversation with the 'friend' about how their comments impacted you.

100% this- except a real friend wouldn't joke about your weight

The only way I can make this make sense after seeing your photos is that he knows you're so far from being fat that he just said it as some ridiculous thing?? You know like telling a 6 foot 6 man that they're short?

By your own admission you have put on weight, you have stated that you have fat arms. He merely confirmed what you think. Yes it's tactless, but is it true? I'm overweight, but I'm active, I run I gym. But I'm still overweight. My partner will mention to me when I've piled it on and it's reciprocated. That said, I think she is beautiful when she is overweight. But she doesn't. If your fat, you're fat. If you don't want to feel or look look fat, or are upset with your body then maybe you need to do some thing about it, or just love your body. Sorry, just seen the photos of you. Your not fat. Not at all. Your mates a cunt or fancies you.

Someone's either negging you, or has made a joke in bad taste because they assumed you would know you are so not fat that even suggesting it is ridiculous.

None of what was said is true - you have a lovely figure and are a fit and healthy young woman. Shove those negative thoughts into your 'well that was some bullshit' box, and think no more of it. Not true, and not worthy of an ounce of your attention.

I wonder if this might have affected you so badly because he’s a friend who you trusted and felt safe with and this very personal and negative comment came out of nowhere and blew that feeling out of the water, leaving you feeling that you didn’t trust your own judgement? Whether he was just messing around and didn’t mean to be hurtful, it was at the very least insensitive as it’s a minefield of a topic. I find it hard to believe that it was completely innocent though. Just to reiterate what others have said, if you continue to feel this way, it would be a good idea to seek help with your reaction as without wanting to pathologise you, it does sound like if it carries on, you could be at risk of developing body dysmorphic disorder. And body dysmorphia itself is a risk factor for developing eating disorders even if you can recognise it for what it is at the moment. Hope you do manage to address this successfully by whatever route.

Sounds to me like body dysmorphia (not sure if I spelt that right!) where you brain sees something differently to reality. Book an appointment with your gp or do some googling around that and hopefully you’ll find some answers xx

This definitely sounds like body dysmorphia. How interesting that you’re so aware of it - you know it’s not true but you still feel it. I think often people don’t realise they have it.

I agree with PP that the shiver seems to have been some kind of rewiring and you need to find a way to rewire it back. Maybe CBT or EMDR?

You are absolutely beautiful, and so slim (though I know you know that!). Bodies change and grow - maybe try some mindfulness exercises that focus on all the things your body does, that keep you strong? Or try to discuss this with a professional. You know you aren't fat (who cares if you were, anyway?!), so is something else going on to elicit this reaction?

That friend either said it as a joke (as it's so obviously and laughably untrue), or they are a toxic person - if so, cut them out of your life!

You're extremely slim. Your "friend" was trying to belittle you; as others have said, this looks like "negging", i.e., men critiquing women to break down their self-confidence. It's straight out of the Andrew Tate playbook. Steer clear of this man, and if you run into him don't mention what he said and don't engage with him. It sounds as if you need to work on your self-confidence, otherwise you will be susceptible to other men trying this ploy.

Firstly you look very healthy and natural
Second ..that dress is very pretty, has a Spring/Summer vibe..
Third..Don't allow a "boy" who most likely was "negging" you to question your own self worth..if I had to make an educated guess; he probably has a thing for you or had a thing for you..

Know THYSELF..understand this and immature comments from little insecure boys will have no power over you..

Do something nice for yourself..maybe buy that dress 😎

What a vile human being he is. It’s certainly not true, but even if it were he would still be vile. Ditch him, block him and maybe show him this thread, because A LOT of people think he is an arsehole.

Tell him he is fugly.