Friend called me fat - can’t stop thinking about it

[Confusedmind96]

Hi

im going to try and make this as concise as possible and for it to make sense, just feeling a bit down though and wondered if anyone had any advice

I’ve always been fine with my body- I’ve never had any issues, tbh I played a lot of sports and had a fast metabolism which runs in my family and I’ve never had any concerns about my weight. I thought I’d stayed a fairly similar weight but I’ve definitely filled out a bit more in certain areas as im in my mid 20s now but I’ve been fine with it

But recently one of my friends made a joke and called me fat. He said it in a banter sort of way and I don’t think it was meant to be hurtful, but he made a joke that I had gained lots of weight and was heavy/chunky.

it honestly felt like something in my brain clicked in that moment and ever since then I haven’t been able to look at my body the same way

the thing is, i KNOW im not fat. I can tell from the number on the scales and from looking in the mirror. I’m not posting on here for people to say ‘omg hun you’re soo skinny!’ and fishing for compliments because I know I’m not fat, but it’s like when I look in the mirror it’s as if I see something completely different now.

i went into river island the other day to try on a dress because I have an event soon and basically burst into tears in the changing room because all I could find was issues with my body- I’ve got cellulite on my legs, my arms are bigger than they used to be and I’ve got a fat roll between my arm and chest (like a fold of skin at my armpit when I hold my arm by my side)

it was awful, I tried on a dress which I loved but I was so upset I couldn’t even focus and just wanted to get out asap because I couldn’t stomach even looking at myself in the mirror

i took some photos at the time, and the weird thing is from looking at them I KNOW im not fat, im not trying to pretend I am, but its like when I look in the mirror my brain sees something totally different. When I look objectively at the picture I know I’m not fat, but then when I look at myself all I see is my issues and it’s like something has totally clicked in my brain after the joke my friend made

I tried to speak to my friends for advice but they rolled their eyes and did the whole ‘don’t pretend you’re fat for attention or compliments’ thing. I tried so hard to explain I know im not fat and im not trying to pretend to be so they can tell me how skinny i am, but it’s like when i look in the mirror i see a totally different person and all i can see is problems now and it genuinely feels like my brain has been warped

just wondered if anyone had any advice or tips or had experienced similar? I’m so self conscious now in everything I wear and every meal I eat now and it’s just so exhausting always worrying about my body x

I bet it is the complete unexpectedness and unreasonableness of the comments that was made without regard for you as a person or objective truth. It's exactly the tactic that abusive men use to train women to submit to them. You are going along happily and they attack you for something that was never a problem before and objectively shouldn't be a problem now. Your brain goes "Whoa! Does not compute!" And in shock that moment is captured and frozen by your brain, to be triggered and re experienced. The best way to get past it is to really process that moment, to write down everything that happened, not just the facts but what you thought and felt as you went through it and conclusions you draw from it. Or talk it through lots of times. We are humans, we can feel lots of things at once in a millisecond.

There is also the chance that he tapped into an earlier similar experience.

I am extremely fat and I particularly detest men like this using fat as the worst thing women can be. I am so sorry he has done this to you. If you can't shift it on your own message me and I will put you in touch with someone who can professionally resolve this.

I was going to mention body dysmorphia but I see someone else has beaten me to it and you have recognised this as being, potentially, the issue.

I think you will need some kind of professional support to navigate this as I have personally known people to end up ill as a result. It's really positive you can admit this. A lot of people won't understand and see it as fishing for compliments but try not to take that to heart. As for the divvy that called you fat, jokingly or not, depending on the type of friendship you have I'd either give him a wide berth or be honest about how his comment has affected you. Either way, I think he needs to know the latter as he could say it to someone else who develops an eating disorder as a result.

Wishing you well.

Thoughts (both yours, and just as importantly , his too) aren’t facts.

objectively, you know you really aren’t fat, so the thing that needs a workout here is the thought processes that have so willingly let you accept what this idiot had to say. This might mean speaking to someone, but a good start would be to think of a few mantras you can repeat to yourself when his words come back into your head.

Who knows why he said it, but it’s a him problem - he isn’t a friend that’s for sure. But if he thinks it was funny or had an impact once, he might roll it out again, so prepare yourself for that. You don’t have to stoop to his level, or be armed with a witty comeback, just be ready for the fact that he makes himself feel good by making others feel insecure

I’m not going to read this whole thread, but looking at the pictures are you sure your friend wasn’t being sarcastic? You’re slim, but not unhealthily slim. Definitely not round, let alone fat.

Young men can be insensitive with words. If he’s a good friend and you value the relationship maybe you can clear the air with him? He really should apologise, but he may not realise he hurt you. It might seem ridiculous to him and your other friends that calling you fat in jest would hurt you, because you are 100% not fat.

If he was being serious or if he doesn’t apologise, then he’s a total bell end and the friendship ends right there.

btw it’s normal for a comment like that to hurt, especially if you take any amount of pride in your appearance. It’s like someone who is always honest and truthful being called a thief or a liar. The words are untrue, but it stings. But try not to alter yourself based on things that are untrue.

He's negging you. What a cunt.

From your description of yourself I was starting to think there's something in what he was saying (even though he was very wrong to say it). Then looking at your photos, I see a totally different image - one I guess a lot of women would crave for.

Please do not let his comments get to you, he is totally wrong. We've all got a roll of skin somewhere we'd rather not, a bit or cellulite or in my case a rounded tummy.

If you like that dress, go back and get it - you look great in it.

OP you look lovely and certainly not fat...

Your friend is not a friend. Just a bitter person trying to knock down your self esteem. Dump them...

Quickly find a therapist to help you process what's going on. Don't let this sit in your head forever more.
Probably a couple of sessions will do it...
Good luck 😊

It’s so far from the truth I can only imagine he is really shit at negging. That is supposed to be a mild flirty insult or backhanded compliment - this was just a crass insult with no basis in reality. Maybe he’s quite insecure and a bit thick.

I'm so sorry, your friend is a complete arse, you really are tiny.

But his comment has activated a body dysmorphia in you that I think must have been sitting somewhere quite close to the surface.

You can refer yourself, in my area, to Talking Therapies and I think it might possibly help you to do this even if you don't go ahead with any counselling. The self referral process itself might ask you enough questions online to get this straight in your head.

To repeat, you are really slim, and lovely, (and those two things are separate) and your friend at the moment is no friend.

You are very slim and you don't have to be friends with him if he makes you feel bad about yourself (or anyone)
Took me until my 40s to learn this

Everyone says you're not fat but you are hooked on thinking about the one comment saying you are , when you know you're not .

You're way overthinking what he said . Why?

When I was at school, fat was the biggest insult of all so I can understand that it could trigger this reaction in you, particularly as given your figure you would never have heard it applied to you before.
You are very aware of the mental reaction you have had and what caused it so I would think you can see it as a temporary mental state. You will get back to your normal self before too long, especially as you are keen to seek out resources to do so.
Perhaps avoid mirrors and shopping to the extent you can in the meantime. Order stuff to try on at home and get someone else to advise you rather than losing yourself in the mirror.

Could it be that your friends have never said something so cruel and untrue before? If your friends have always been decent and not masked insults as jokes, this different behaviour is bound to have an impact. Although, as you've said yourself, your reaction has been a bit much and puzzling. You know what he said is untrue so whatever reason he had for saying it is all about him. Keep reminding yourself of that - he's got a problem of his own and was just taking that out on you rather than dealing with it. It could be that he has weight / image issues of his own and your physique irks him.

I would tell your friend that if he thinks you, a healthy, active, very slim WOMAN is fat, then you are concerned he views women’s bodies as if they should be that of pre pubescent girls. It’s actually kind of worrying he thinks you are fat. Either he is attracted to / idolising young girls or is negging you to make himself feel bigger. Both cunty and horrible, and both misogynistic and gross.

hope this reframed your thinking.

this incident/ banter / conversation says a lot more about him than you

Dump that so-called ''friend'' immediately and never go back.

Another case of a ''man'' telling a woman what she can and can't do with her own body.

Even if you literally weigh 1 stone or 1000, he has absolutely NO RIGHT to make ''jokes'' about your weight.

Tell him to go f-himself as he's obviously never been anything other than a wanker, because he's a piddly, pathetic, boring little prick with a piddly, pathetic, boring life, so he's trying to bring you down to make himself feel superior.

YOU are GORGEOUS, YOU are INTELLIGENT, exactly as you are. Don't let that self-obsessed arsehole or any others drag you down.

Show him your post and the replies from others here, then drop him for good.

Dont let him win.

why did he say it? Was he being sarcastic? Because youre obviously very very slim.

Maybe it’s not about your weight?

what else is going on in your life?

how we feel about our bodies can be a projection of how we feel about ourselves more broadly - a concrete reason that makes sense of feeling inadequate or ashamed of ourselves in some way that has nothing to do with our actual bodies.

I would advise you to speak to a counsellor about all of this and work out what’s really going on, and why you suddenly feel so exposed/bad about yourself.

I know it’s expensive but you deserve to be content and feel good about yourself, like you have before.

I think you’re suffering from what used to be called an idee fixe, where a random thought or comment gets stuck and you can’t get rid of it, even though you know it isn’t true. It tends to happen completely out of the blue, even if you’ve never experienced any psychological issues previously. As others have said, some CBT to learn techniques to break out of the loop will help.

I agree with your friends, you are fishing for compliments. Either that or you have serious mental health problems.
Signed
A Real Fat Person

Drop that man like the bag of cold sick he is and seek some help for those intrusive thoughts. You are objectively not fat and even if you were, it's not the end of the world.

What a lovely friend you have 🙄
I sort of know what you mean about what you see in the mirror + what you see in photographs can be different?
IYSWIM ?
Each time I actually see myself in a photo I’m not as pale as I thought, my hair is lighter than I thought it was and I look a bit slimmer than I thought I was .

( And I don’t have body image issues )
So there is the element of subjectivity when you’re not being objective about your appearance.
BTW you are slim and a nice shape

Exactly. For one sibling it's a throw away comment but to the other it can be like a bomb's gone off.

P's 'friend' is old enough to know better, that said, I agree that there are underlying issues here for OP to be so flawed by it.

You look a normal weight to me. I wouldnt look at thise pictures and think you were overweight. You're friend was being a liar and and arsehole.