aibu to think grandparents are just expected to know their place now?

[justme39]

honestly feeling quite upset and not sure if i’m being unreasonable or not.

my ds and dil had their first baby a few months ago and ever since it’s just been rule after rule after rule. no kissing baby, no picking him up straight away if he cries because theyre trying to teach self soothing, dont call him my baby because apparently thats boundary crossing now 🙄

i’ve kept my mouth shut mostly because i dont want drama but yesterday i honestly felt humiliated. baby was asleep on me and i kissed the top of his head without even thinking and dil immediately goes we’re not doing that in this really sharp voice in front of everyone. atmosphere after was awful.

i do feel there’s a lack of respect if i’m honest. i’ve raised 3 children perfectly well, all grown adults with good jobs and houses etc so its not like i dont know what im doing. yet if i mention he looks cold or maybe he’s overtired suddenly im undermining.

another thing that upset me was photos. i put ONE picture on facebook after he was born because family were asking and you’d think i’d leaked government documents. ds rang me asking me to remove it because dil was really anxious. i did remove it but i wont lie i cried after because it just feels like nothing i do is right.

i’ve also offered loads of help. meals, cleaning, having baby so they can nap etc but apparently they want to figure things out themselves. then dil posts online about how exhausted she is all the time. i honestly dont know what we’re meant to do anymore as grandparents except buy things and sit there quietly.

now ds hardly messages unless she’s included as well which never used to happen

aibu to think younger parents are so obsessed with boundaries and gentle parenting they forget other people have feelings too?

Well they aren't being gentle parents if they aren't responsive to their baby's needs and leaving him to cry. He can't self soothe at that age, it's bollocks.
As to the rest, they (especially her) sounds very anxious and seeking control to try and alleviate that anxiety. If the photos thing was mentioned in advance then you were in the wrong to put that pic up. The kiss on the top of the head - I've accidentally done it to friends' babies when they have been asleep on me, it's so natural. She sounds loony. Don't know what you do about it really though. Other than remind them that they pushed you away completely when they complain that noone will offer to babysit in the future.

I have a 6year old, 4 year old and 1 year old and one of the biggest joys in my life is seeing the kids with their grandparents. They ADORE them.

They get all of the sweets snacks, stay up too late, they were the first people to meet them hours after they were born and it was second only to me holding them the first time.

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this and I've no idea where it's come from (American social media?) but not all of us subscribe to it.
If they have a second I'd expect it'll all go out of the window.

Why would you call someone else’s baby “my baby”?! It’s not your baby and hugely disrespectful to the mum who grew and birthed it. That line alone makes me think this is a wind up. Parenting changes over the years and your ds and dil will be combining their own different upbringings so you need to follow their lead how they want to parent.

They sound a little over the top on a couple of things eg kissing the top of a baby’s head, or teaching a newborn to “self soothe”.

But honestly, not wanting your child’s picture in social media is completely reasonable - and the fact you cried about removing it suggests maybe a slight over involvement...
And I can absolutely see how to a stressed and tired new parent who is trying their best, a grandparent saying “he looks a bit cold” or “is he a bit overtired” would be quite annoying.

This is awful OP, but it seems like it's one of the modern trends that some mothers latch onto, and as a grandparent, you're not allowed to interfere. These people then tend to moan when the child gets older, that they have no support from grandparents. It's absolute madness, but I really don't know what advice to give you, other than to just keep trying to do what they ask of you, if you want to have a relationship with your grandchild. I was incredibly relieved when my granddaughter had her baby a couple of years ago, and having asked if I could pick him up, she said 'of course, that's what you're here for isn't it?' He was barely a day old, and I felt really honoured. She's turned out to be a terrific Mum, and my great grandson is doing really well. So sorry that your DS is supporting her in this, but could you perhaps pull him to one side at some point, and tell him that while you understand that they are the parents, some of the rules seem to be a bit unreasonable, bearing in mind that you raised him and how well he's turned out?

They are being completely ridiculous - what a couple of nutcases and how hurtful for you - I can't think what planet they are on. Stupid is as stupid does but that's not much consolation for you! Sympathies!

I see both sides.

Yes there are lots of rules being imposed, but you really screwed up with the photo. You knew you were not supposed to do that , but guess what? You did it anyway. Now that is lack of respect.

It does sound like your DIL is very anxious, but I dare say you were not as calm with the first, as you were by the third. Cut her some slack.

Did they ask you not to post on Facebook? Lots of people don’t like their children on social media - that’s very normal, and crying is a massive overreaction.
I would also suggest that telling someone that their baby is cold or over tired could be perceived to be overstepping/critical depending on the circumstances.
I would also be pretty pissed off if my mum referred to my DCs as her baby!

This has got to be a wind up or a reverse!

I’m going to go against the grain here and say it’s their first baby, they clearly want their family time and with kindness, you sound a bit overbearing. Why do you need to comment that the baby is cold or tired, why do you need to post a photo, surely that’s up to them to do. It also sounds like your DIL doesn’t like you very much, so I would keep quiet and just try to enjoy your grandchild otherwise you risk losing contact with your son and grandchild.
From your DIL’s perspective you might be coming across as an interfering know it all who lacks boundaries. Just let her crack on and figure it out as she goes.

Yes, I agree. You have overstepped badly in some areas - you should not have posted anything on social media unless you had their permission and you should not have referred to baby as ‘my baby’. I would have gone ballistic if my MIL had done either of those. And it would be wise not to comment in a way that suggests you know better about baby’s needs.

Sounds like they have lots of rules because people… keep doing things they don’t want.

Why would you post someone else’s child on the internet. No I don’t care that you’re a grandparent it’s not your child.

Why would you kiss a baby they have asked you not to.

Why do you keep giving advice hot cold when they have asked you not to.

Judging when you believe their child is tired or not. Again nose out.

This is their baby and they are learning. She is allowed to not want you to do her washing but also allowed to say she is tired. That’s fine.

and yes my baby is my baby. Not my mils baby, not my mother’s baby. MINE and dh’s.

Once you start breaking rules more get added as you become someone not to be trusted.

I get my little granddaughters with "it's my girlies!" every time they come here and often will call each of them 'my girl'. I know their not 'mine' but they are 'my' granddaughters. It's no threat whatsoever to their actual parents, and I suspect my daughter would think I was mad if I ever asked her if she minded.

The little ones know they belong in their extended family. It makes them feel secure and loved. They're my girls and in their grandma.

YABU to post a pic on social media against their wishes. And I don’t want anyone to say ‘my baby’ either! You were holding the baby so obviously they are ok with that. Kissing meh I can’t get worked up about it as I’ve never had a desire to kiss anyone else’s baby - but I’m not a grandmother.
The not picking up if crying is bizarre. Babies don’t learn to self soothe that way.

I’ve also offered loads of help. Meals, cleaning, having baby so they can nap etc but apparently they want to figure things out themselves. Then DIL posts online about how exhausted she is all the time

I genuinely adore my mother in law, we’re really close. But when I was exhausted with a newborn, I really really didn’t want anyone coming round cleaning my house. I’d have felt awkward and embarrassed, even if it was offered with kindness. So unless she’s posting passive aggressive things about no one helping her (which I assume she isn’t since you didn’t mention that), I don’t think she’s done anything wrong here.

YABU- this all seems very standard. Unfortunately, you’ve been asked not to do certain things but are still doing them (whether maliciously or not, you’re still doing things they have explicitly asked you not to do).

Your grandchild is not your child so you don’t have the final say. I’d stick to what the parents want or risk ruining your relationship with them. Who are they going to want around their child in the future: someone who doesn’t care about their boundaries or someone who can be trusted to follow them?

It’s great that you offer help, you’ve done that so can leave the ball in their court for now. How you behave now when the parents are at their most vulnerable is going to set the tone for your future relationship. I’d really encourage you to stick to their plan even if you disagree with it.

You need to back off.

give them time to settle into life with a new baby.

they are doing it their way.

I will always be grateful that my mum did stuff the way I wanted - because she had an overbearing mum who annoyed the crap out of her.

Also “expected to know their place”

Well yes. You’re the grandparent not the parent. That is your place.

Lower down the pecking order. Because it’s their child.

And again lack of respect…. How about respect their rules.

Mad I know. But age doesn’t automatically grant you more respect.

Where did it say that she knew she wasn't supposed to post a photo?

Yes Grandparents should "know their place". I am late 60's and suffered greatly with an interfering and judgemental MIL. In fact she ruined our relationship and it has never recovered.

I'm not saying you are anywhere near this OP, you sound loving and well meaning. BUT, it's not your turn now to make any decisions about the baby and, to be honest, yes you probably should just sit there and buy things. That's what I will be expecting to do if I am lucky enough to have Grandchildren. I will give advice when asked and never assume the right to do anything.

Sorry.

You should always ask people before posting their children online. Always.

My oldest child is nearly 30. My mil still refers to him as 'my little man' - the very first thing she said when she saw him when he was 5 hours old. He loves it.

Yanbu (except for the social media part-please respect that) but I doubt this will last. They won't be able to keep this stuff up indefinitely especially if they have a second one. They'll probably be desperate for your help.

You shouldn’t have put the photo on Facebook that was a mistake but the rest of it sounds like your DS and DIL think they have given birth to the son of god. I don’t understand this new trend of setting ridiculous boundaries with a newborn for close family!

My DDs are very much loved by their grandparents but no, my dm doesn’t call them her girls because that’s rude. She’ll say “oh could we have your girls to stay over half term”. Maybe I’m sensitive because dmil (who I have a good relationship with) was on holiday with us with toddler dd1 when I was heavily pregnant with twins. She was supposed to be helping with dd1 while dh pampered me (and I lay like a beached whale during a heatwave in Cornwall). Anyway, dmil told people she was dd1’s mummy (she always wanted a girl but had boys). It was a bit mad.