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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother in law didn’t throw me a baby shower, but is doing it for my sister in law.

204 replies

curlyhairedlady · 06/05/2026 22:22

I completely understand that she’s closer to her daughter as she’s her mother.. however when I’ve been pregnant in the past, mother in law never offered to plan a baby shower for me. Now my sister in law is pregnant, she’s holding a baby shower for her.
When I’ve been pregnant in the past, MIL has always been competitive with me. Shame on me for bottle feeding.. she had natural births because she’s got a high pain tolerance ( I had C Sections). Now that SIL is scheduled for have a C Section she’s completely understanding of her choice. its not an easy family to be a part of but i do it for my partner.
She knows Im gutted I didn’t have a baby shower, and now she’s bombarding me with texts saying I need to be available on a certain date to attend the baby shower. I told her I can’t be there as I have something booked with the kids, and that my SIL and the baba are very lucky to have one. And she keeps bombarding me with more texts saying “you should come” etc, knowing I would have loved one.
I feel like she’s going to drive me to insanity. Nothing I say goes, ever. Am I being unreasonable feeling like this?
there is a lot more she has done to upset me in the past, but I’ve been trying to put it aside.

OP posts:
purplecorkheart · 07/05/2026 10:59

To be honest I would not expect a mil to arrange a baby shower. Any baby shower I have been at it was arrange by friends of the Mom to be or their sister.

user7463246787 · 07/05/2026 11:07

American nonsense!
But even in the films its friends that organise isn’t it?
You sound like you’re ready to be irritated what ever she does, so would you have wanted her to anyway?
Shes bombarding you with texts because she wants you to come and be included in a family celebration, but that’s wrong too…as would not inviting you. The woman can’t win!

Sassylovesbooks · 07/05/2026 11:11

If you wanted a baby shower OP, why didn't you arrange one?! I never expected anyone to arrange mine, I did it myself! I also am not sure why you expected your MIL to arrange your baby shower. Surely a baby shower is arranged by the Mum-to-be's family/friends, if it needs to be arranged by someone else? Of course your MIL is arranging her daughter's baby shower, it's her daughter!!

It never occured to me to ask my Mum, my SIL's or friends to arrange mine. Neither did it occur to me that they would take it upon themselves to organise one for me!! 🤷

Do you have no family/friends yourself? Did you not ask anyone to arrange one for you? It doesn't sound as if you particularly like your MIL, so why would you have wanted her to arrange your baby shower?!

Salyexley · 07/05/2026 11:17

She's not your mum so she doesn't have to give you a baby shower

Frugalgal · 07/05/2026 11:30

curlyhairedlady · 06/05/2026 22:22

I completely understand that she’s closer to her daughter as she’s her mother.. however when I’ve been pregnant in the past, mother in law never offered to plan a baby shower for me. Now my sister in law is pregnant, she’s holding a baby shower for her.
When I’ve been pregnant in the past, MIL has always been competitive with me. Shame on me for bottle feeding.. she had natural births because she’s got a high pain tolerance ( I had C Sections). Now that SIL is scheduled for have a C Section she’s completely understanding of her choice. its not an easy family to be a part of but i do it for my partner.
She knows Im gutted I didn’t have a baby shower, and now she’s bombarding me with texts saying I need to be available on a certain date to attend the baby shower. I told her I can’t be there as I have something booked with the kids, and that my SIL and the baba are very lucky to have one. And she keeps bombarding me with more texts saying “you should come” etc, knowing I would have loved one.
I feel like she’s going to drive me to insanity. Nothing I say goes, ever. Am I being unreasonable feeling like this?
there is a lot more she has done to upset me in the past, but I’ve been trying to put it aside.

A load of American nonsense.

OneFlewOverMy · 07/05/2026 11:32

MILs are now expected to throw baby showers? The sense of entitlement!

loislovesstewie · 07/05/2026 11:54

Pitythefool · 07/05/2026 06:45

We had a prom over 40 years ago. With ballgowns.

my mother and father had one at their school in the 1950s - they went together.

it’s been a thing for a very long time.

Show quote history

They weren't as common then. We had a disco in the school hall where we wore t shirts and jeans. No limos, no ball gowns no real money spent.

Lavender14 · 07/05/2026 11:56

I think it's worth remembering that while lots of people on mumsnet hate baby showers with a passion, not everyone does and they don't need to be done in a 'grabby' way. Lots of people specify no presents for example.

Secondly we don't know a thing about ops circumstances so if she doesn't have any other women in her life to do something like this for her then actually it would have been quite nice for a mil to think to do it. Not something she HAS to do, but my guess is there's a level of sadness here for op that she doesn't have someone else to fill that role in her life. Which yes, is nothing to do with mil but maybe op has gone into that relationship hoping for a better relationship and more welcome than what she got therefore another sense of loss/ grief. I think some posters could be a bit more sensitive to that in their posting. When you don't have a mum who can fulfil the normal mum roles it can be hard to watch other mums doing it for their dds. It is what it is but it can still really suck.

LizzieLazzie · 07/05/2026 11:56

As others have said, it was up to your mum or another family member on your side to organise your baby shower. It was not MIL’s responsibility or place to do that. I can imagine other women might be put out by their MIL interfering and arranging something!

Lavender14 · 07/05/2026 11:57

LizzieLazzie · 07/05/2026 11:56

As others have said, it was up to your mum or another family member on your side to organise your baby shower. It was not MIL’s responsibility or place to do that. I can imagine other women might be put out by their MIL interfering and arranging something!

And what if op does not have her mum or other family as is the case for many people?

loislovesstewie · 07/05/2026 11:59

TBH, it wouldn't occur to me to organize such a thing.

Shallotsaresmallonions · 07/05/2026 12:00

Lavender14 · 07/05/2026 11:57

And what if op does not have her mum or other family as is the case for many people?

Show quote history

Then it would be handy for her to come back and clarify, since she hasn't returned after her opening post and we're 8 pages in now.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/05/2026 12:10

My brothers wife didn’t have a baby shower there is no way it would ever be my mum’s job to plan one she’d have got accused of being an interfering MIL I’m sure if she had!
i had a big baby shower organized by my best friends and they invited my SIL and apparently she just declined without even giving a reason and didn’t message me with any apology or have a nice day. You don’t have to go if you don’t want to /you have plans and don’t reply to any follow up ‘you must do’ be boundaries. But don’t be jealous that a woman treats her own daughter differently to her son’s wife that’s madness.
im assuming you don’t have close female friends or family and that’s sad for you but not MIL fault.
also a c section recovery is bloody painful!

SharonBe · 07/05/2026 12:16

I don't get the whole baby shower thing but I'm older. When I was young gifts were given once the baby was born but I understand times change. Why didn't you organise your own if you wanted one? Did you tell MIL you wanted one? I'm assuming there's a reason your own mother didn't organise it and MIL would have known that?

Lavender14 · 07/05/2026 12:23

Shallotsaresmallonions · 07/05/2026 12:00

Then it would be handy for her to come back and clarify, since she hasn't returned after her opening post and we're 8 pages in now.

Edited
Show quote history

Can you blame her with the roasting she's had here? And the million assumptions around her circumstances? I wouldn't be back either if it was my thread.

Lavender14 · 07/05/2026 12:24

SharonBe · 07/05/2026 12:16

I don't get the whole baby shower thing but I'm older. When I was young gifts were given once the baby was born but I understand times change. Why didn't you organise your own if you wanted one? Did you tell MIL you wanted one? I'm assuming there's a reason your own mother didn't organise it and MIL would have known that?

Op says mil knew that she wanted one.

Organising your own really isn't the 'done thing'.

Leo800 · 07/05/2026 12:33

You sound needy & jealous. She’s not your mother! Your own family or friends could have organised one for you. Most people think they’re naff anyway.

Trippys · 07/05/2026 12:33

I don’t think baby showers should exist but, as they do, and as you have asked, your MIL should not be throwing you a baby shower and you are completely unreasonable to expect her to do so.

SharonBe · 07/05/2026 12:43

Lavender14 · 07/05/2026 12:24

Op says mil knew that she wanted one.

Organising your own really isn't the 'done thing'.

Show quote history

OP says MIL knows she was gutted she didn't have one not that she knew she wanted one beforehand.

OP hasn't said why MIL would think it was her job and not OP's own family/friends.

Purplewarrior · 07/05/2026 12:55

Why do you expect her to treat you the same as her own daughter? I don’t understand.

GucciBear · 07/05/2026 12:59

Count yourself lucky! Vulgar American idea.

Happypomegranates · 07/05/2026 13:04

curlyhairedlady · 06/05/2026 22:22

I completely understand that she’s closer to her daughter as she’s her mother.. however when I’ve been pregnant in the past, mother in law never offered to plan a baby shower for me. Now my sister in law is pregnant, she’s holding a baby shower for her.
When I’ve been pregnant in the past, MIL has always been competitive with me. Shame on me for bottle feeding.. she had natural births because she’s got a high pain tolerance ( I had C Sections). Now that SIL is scheduled for have a C Section she’s completely understanding of her choice. its not an easy family to be a part of but i do it for my partner.
She knows Im gutted I didn’t have a baby shower, and now she’s bombarding me with texts saying I need to be available on a certain date to attend the baby shower. I told her I can’t be there as I have something booked with the kids, and that my SIL and the baba are very lucky to have one. And she keeps bombarding me with more texts saying “you should come” etc, knowing I would have loved one.
I feel like she’s going to drive me to insanity. Nothing I say goes, ever. Am I being unreasonable feeling like this?
there is a lot more she has done to upset me in the past, but I’ve been trying to put it aside.

If I had daughters I would throw a baby shower for them, I wouldn’t do it for a daughter in law because I would feel that it was the place of her mother- unless I knew that her family aren’t like that and wouldn’t throw her one

TheDenimPoet · 07/05/2026 13:06

You've answered your question in the first line, though. It's her MUM! Of course she's going to do it. She would have expected YOUR mum to do it for you! Or if not your mum, then a close friend. Why would a woman who you're not that close with do it?

ACynicalDad · 07/05/2026 13:13

YABVU

asdbaybeeee · 07/05/2026 13:19

I don’t know anyone who’s mil organised their baby shower. Usually it’s friends/ sister or they organise their own.
i get what you mean about preferential treatment. Just don’t expect anything and give bare minimum.