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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother in law didn’t throw me a baby shower, but is doing it for my sister in law.

204 replies

curlyhairedlady · 06/05/2026 22:22

I completely understand that she’s closer to her daughter as she’s her mother.. however when I’ve been pregnant in the past, mother in law never offered to plan a baby shower for me. Now my sister in law is pregnant, she’s holding a baby shower for her.
When I’ve been pregnant in the past, MIL has always been competitive with me. Shame on me for bottle feeding.. she had natural births because she’s got a high pain tolerance ( I had C Sections). Now that SIL is scheduled for have a C Section she’s completely understanding of her choice. its not an easy family to be a part of but i do it for my partner.
She knows Im gutted I didn’t have a baby shower, and now she’s bombarding me with texts saying I need to be available on a certain date to attend the baby shower. I told her I can’t be there as I have something booked with the kids, and that my SIL and the baba are very lucky to have one. And she keeps bombarding me with more texts saying “you should come” etc, knowing I would have loved one.
I feel like she’s going to drive me to insanity. Nothing I say goes, ever. Am I being unreasonable feeling like this?
there is a lot more she has done to upset me in the past, but I’ve been trying to put it aside.

OP posts:
PistachioTiramisu · 07/05/2026 08:50

I bet your friends are pleased they didn't have to attend an excruciatingly boring baby shower party! I went to one once and couldn't wait to leave - playing stupid games such as 'baby bingo' and messing about with nappies, etc. Not my thing at all - let's face it, nobody is interested in your baby apart from your husband and you!

ButterYellowFlowers · 07/05/2026 08:53

Why would she? She’s throwing one for her daughter and you’re not her daughter. DIL and daughter are not the same thing and nor will they ever receive equal treatment in this sense (of course equally valued as a person but not equally loved).

LAMPS1 · 07/05/2026 08:54

there is a lot more she has done to upset me in the past, but I’ve been trying to put it aside.

Well done OP. That’s exactly what you should also do about her not throwing you a baby shower. Don’t let your resentment and bitterness fester and grow, as it can be really damaging and you will come across badly, making things even worse between you.

Strive to make things better instead. If you can possibly go to the baby shower then that would show a good will towards your SIL.
If you really are busy on that date, then decline politely but remain respectful and polite to your MIL and SIL.
It’s understandable and acceptable if you feel MIL isn’t your type of person …that’s life…but try not to give her any ammunition at all.

If you focus on all her wrong doings and slights towards you, your grievances will simply grow bigger and take over your thoughts. Stop feeding them with your time and energy and that will show that you aren’t affected at all by her questionable actions.

pinkdelight · 07/05/2026 08:55

She knows Im gutted I didn’t have a baby shower

Seriously?? If a baby shower was so vital to you, you should've organised one or asked a friend to. If you're still pining after a few balloons and pressies at this point and letting everyone know about it - when you must've had some of those after the birth anyway - then you need help. Hasn't having an actual baby given you some perspective on what's actual meaningful in life and what's just commercial guff?

RitaFires · 07/05/2026 08:55

I don't understand why you think baby showers are exclusively the remit of your MIL and that she somehow withheld one from you and that her now holding one for her own daughter is a personal slight.

Yes in America they are usually thrown by someone else for the mum to be but you can just throw one yourself if you like.

I didn't have a baby shower because I was a bit superstitious about something going wrong with the pregnancy and I don't like that kind of forced fun themed party atmosphere anyway. But I attended my SIL's and it was lovely, just tea and cake and celebrating the new baby. I would go along to the baby shower that is being hosted for your SIL and your own kid's new cousin and not take it as being aimed at you in anyway because it really isn't and being invited is recognising your important position within the family as future Aunt.

Sunisgettinganewhaton · 07/05/2026 08:56

Baby showers weren't a thing when mine were born but ils showed their favouritism in other ways. We got a second hand basket for dc. Sil got a 1k pram.. Back in the 90's that was huge money. It didn't bode well for the dgc. The difference was so obvious I backed away.

tokennamechange · 07/05/2026 09:02

Caddycat · 07/05/2026 08:49

Well I will go against the trend, but I get you OP.
People offer to throw baby showers because they are excited about the new baby coming. So it's understandable to feel this way because clearly it shows she's more excited about this new baby than your DC.
Also, I think so many people here are so rude saying why didn't your mum/sister/friend/DH (!!!) didn't do it for you. It's still unusual in the UK, so most people wouldn't think of organising one. The point here is MIL thought of it, because she did it for her DD and didn't do it for OP. She clearly doesn't like OP and clearly there is a good chance OP's poor DC will be treated differently from this other GC.

I wouldn't say they were unusual in the UK at all now, I've been going to them for at least 10 years, for friends from all over Eng, Wales and Scotland, straight and gay couples....everyone. I dont think I actually know anyone my age (38) or younger who didn't have one for their first baby, although obviously I didn't go to all of them (thank god!),

I suppose its possible that if youre older than, say, mid 40s you might not realise how normalised they've become, as they would have come in after your age group started getting pregnant but before your DC started having their own kids.

I agree with everyone else that would be odd for the MIL to throw one though- usually its been organised by mum/sister/friends.

Cat457 · 07/05/2026 09:03

It sounds like you don’t like her very much and she isn’t that nice to you so why would want or expect her to throw you a baby shower. It’s completely natural that she would be more comfortable doing this for her own daughter and her daughter may have told her she wants one. I think most MILs would be worried they would be criticised for overstepping if they did this for their DIL unless you had a v close relationship or were asked to. My MIL drives me crazy at times but it’s posts like these that do make me think it’s hard for them to win. If you really wanted one why didn’t you say to your husband or friends (assuming your own mum isnt around), or ask her if she would like to do it. It’s not your MILs responsibility to assume she should sort this and it isn’t your SILs MIL that is arranging hers either.

I don’t agree with people saying it means she’s less excited about your baby. Baby showers are 100% for the mum, not the baby and I don’t think anyone else really cares about them.

personally I find them so cringe and would not have been happy if my MIL tried to throw me one!

DiscoCherries · 07/05/2026 09:04

I’ve never known a MIL host a baby shower, my mum and sister hosted mine. It’s usually your family and friends, OP - so I wouldn’t take it as a slight and she’s just wanting you to come and be involved.

tokennamechange · 07/05/2026 09:07

If you're comparing how MIL treats you to how she treats SIL, you need to stop now. She's never going to like you as much as she likes her own dd, and she probably is going to spend more time and do more to support her own dd. Most people would think that's normal.

That doesn't mean she shouldn't still be pleasant to you, of course.

But doing all this comparing is never going to improve anything. You need to just take her behaviour towards you as an individual on its own merits, if its mildly annoying but you're able to ignore it for DH do that, with whatever methods you need to be able to cope (I.e. mute her messages so you dont get notifications and only check them once a day). If its so bad you need to address it, that's fine but don't bring SIL into it.

GrandmasCat · 07/05/2026 09:09

Where do you live? If in the UK, baby showers were not a thing here 15 years ago and most people disliked them. Your MIL may have not even imagined you wanted her to organise one.

If you live outside the UK, baby showers are organised by the mum, the friends, the work colleagues at a push, but it is hardly ever expected for a MIL to organise one, she is just another guest who may be asked to invite more people along so your baby gets more gifts.

You are being absolutely ridiculous.

ChristmasBaby2026 · 07/05/2026 09:10

Your replies to your MIL sound a bit passive aggressive OP so that’s not helping.

She probably didn’t think it was her role to throw you a baby shower - is your own mother around?

Lavender14 · 07/05/2026 09:13

Op I think yabu but only because you say the dynamics are generally very difficult. It sounds like she's not an easy person all round and your relationship with her is challenging.

Obviously everyone wants to get on well with their MIL and their husbands family but you can't change who people are - only respond to what they put out there. So I think by expecting her to do something like plan you a shower when you aren't close and she's a difficult person is probably expecting too much. It would have been lovely but its not the relationship you have.

Is your mum in your life? I don't know what your circumstances are but I'm guessing you don't have another female in your life close enough to be able to plan something like that for you for your pregnancies? Because I'd say that normally that role would fall to a mother, sister or best friend as opposed to a mother in law. Though I guess if you didn't have any of those then it would be nice for a mil to think to take the initiative. If you do have those other women in your life did you tell them that you wanted a shower? Not everyone does and some people are actually quite superstitious about them. When I had one my sister and best friend arranged it and my mum was horrified because she saw it as tempting fate. Is it possible your mil views them that way but sil has specifically asked her to plan one so she's felt obligated to do it?

I totally get why you wouldn't want to organise one for yourself.

I'd just say op that if you don't have women in your life who can do things like this for you then it's time to really put yourself out there and prioritise trying to build yourself a village rather than wishing your relationship with your mil was better than it is. You can put your best foot forward with her but if she's just going to be critical and put you down then she's not really someone you want to be relying on anyway. How old are your kids and is your dh willing to step up so you can get some time to yourself for a hobby where you could meet some more people?

Forestgreenblue · 07/05/2026 09:14

I’d completely get it if it was another DIL but it’s her daughter!!!

Paveparadiseputupaparkinglot · 07/05/2026 09:15

I’d avoid her as much as possible.
Don’t pander to her.
It wasn’t on her to arrange a baby shower for you.. you could have or friends or your family?

ThejoyofNC · 07/05/2026 09:17

You obviously hate her. Why on earth should she throw you a party?

properidiot · 07/05/2026 09:17

She sounds pretty dreadful OP. For your own sanity I would try to pull away from expecting her to do anything for you. For whatever reason, she didn't do you a baby shower - though tbh I wouldn't think many MILs would do one for their DIL? I didn't organise one for mine as it was organised by her friends and sisters. It's not something I would get involved in.

However, she sounds awful. Talk to DH and try to have less contact with her. If you don't want to go or can't go to this bab shower just tell her one more time and then ignore. It's not OK for her to pressure you about anything.

Quokka99 · 07/05/2026 09:19

atamlin · 07/05/2026 08:09

Unpopular opinion: baby showers are grabby.

You’re not your MILs daughter. She probably thought that would be something your mum would do.

Agreed- celebrating the birth of a child makes perfect sense. Expecting people to buy you loads of stuff before baby is born as well is grabby and crass.

Aluna · 07/05/2026 09:20

Do people really send time being sad they didn’t have a baby shower?

Either way - mother, sister, friends - it’s not MIL’s job and I think it’s a bit cheeky to expect it from her.

Jazzy1987 · 07/05/2026 09:40

She’s not your mother or friend, mother in laws can’t win, she does it and it’s claimed she’s overstepping. My mother in law did not have one for me and did got her daughter. I didn’t have one….i didn’t care

SiobahnRoy · 07/05/2026 09:55

Not her job to throw you a baby shower. Don’t be petty, go to SIL’s.

Chilly80 · 07/05/2026 09:57

Not hosting a shower for you is completely understandable.
The rest does sound like she's a b*ch though.
Put her on mute. Only reply once a week.

Chenecinquantecinq · 07/05/2026 10:17

I don't think it is a MIL place to do so.

Thistimearound · 07/05/2026 10:40

OK so I don’t really get baby showers but isn’t the point that you’d invite your (female) friends and family? So if you’d wanted one that much, and you were confident you had enough people to attend one, wouldn’t you just ask whoever you are closest to from that female group to host you one? Presumably the closest woman you have in your life isn’t your MIL?

The only person I know who had a shower is an American friend, and I’m 100% sure hers was not a secret at all - she’d arranged with a friend that the friend would “throw” the shower (I think she picked who she wanted to do it) and ok-ed most of the choices for the shower, so really she kind of organised it herself.

Luddite26 · 07/05/2026 10:40

I think you are being unreasonable.
I think MiL could have asked you if you were having one/wanted one and you could have both took it from there.
You seem a bit jealous and that's not a good look.
If you wanted one you could have thrown your own. Too late now. Go or don't go. You possibly won't be missed so don't make a drama.