Mother in law didn’t throw me a baby shower, but is doing it for my sister in law.

[curlyhairedlady]

I completely understand that she’s closer to her daughter as she’s her mother.. however when I’ve been pregnant in the past, mother in law never offered to plan a baby shower for me. Now my sister in law is pregnant, she’s holding a baby shower for her.
When I’ve been pregnant in the past, MIL has always been competitive with me. Shame on me for bottle feeding.. she had natural births because she’s got a high pain tolerance ( I had C Sections). Now that SIL is scheduled for have a C Section she’s completely understanding of her choice. its not an easy family to be a part of but i do it for my partner.
She knows Im gutted I didn’t have a baby shower, and now she’s bombarding me with texts saying I need to be available on a certain date to attend the baby shower. I told her I can’t be there as I have something booked with the kids, and that my SIL and the baba are very lucky to have one. And she keeps bombarding me with more texts saying “you should come” etc, knowing I would have loved one.
I feel like she’s going to drive me to insanity. Nothing I say goes, ever. Am I being unreasonable feeling like this?
there is a lot more she has done to upset me in the past, but I’ve been trying to put it aside.

she had natural births because she’s got a high pain tolerance

I don’t think that is a thing.

I didn’t organise a baby shower for my DIL. I think that would have been an overstep.

fwiw I didn’t organise the guest list for dd’s her sister did. I did contribute what I was asked to, but I wasn’t asked to contribute to my DIL’s, beyond attending and bringing a gift, which I did.

Yeah, like fecking prom dresses.

You haven’t told us where your own mother features in your petulance?

if you feel that bad just don’t go to your s-in-law’s shower. By the sound of it yr mil has picked up your jealousy and is trying to assuage it with her insistence that you attend.

Just get on with it, do what you’ve got planned for that day & put all this “shower”
nonsense behind you. Life’s too short.

if you want people to come and give you presents before the baby is born then do it yourself. It’s all nonsense anyway and after a very painful loss in my family, it is something I can never get on board with.
you are being petty to not go to your sisters party just because you didn’t get a party. You sound like a 5 year old.

I don't think your mil was obliged to throw you a baby shower. It sounds as though you expected her to. Is that a thing that mils do? It's not is it? Some might but it's not assumed they will.

It's ok that she's throwing one for her daughter.

I don't think you should take this one personally.

We had a prom over 40 years ago. With ballgowns.

my mother and father had one at their school in the 1950s - they went together.

it’s been a thing for a very long time.

its not a mother in laws place to arrange a baby shower. They are tacky anyway.
you also didn’t give enough context.
where is your own mum in this scenario? Or sisters/friends.? If you had wanted one so badly why didn’t you have one?

I wouldn’t expect my mil to organise a baby shower for me.

Or understepping. Whichever makes her look worse.

Are you American

“I feel like she’s going to drive me to insanity. Nothing I say goes, ever. Am I being unreasonable feeling like this?”

OP, you really need to emotionally distance yourself from your MIL, you are not married to her and only connected by being married to her son. The more you allow her to invade your thoughts and feelings the more she will get under your skin.

What exactly do you mean by “Nothing I say goes”? What control does she have that you seek to implement?

There really does appear to be a clash of personalities between you two and by listening to her, acting on her whims and dancing to her tune you are simply enabling her.

Cut those ties and be yourself or ever after allow her to emotionally destroy you.

And who give a shit about a baby shower anyway?? They weren’t even a ‘thing’ when some on MN were having babies.

Unless there's back story and you sadly don't have your mum, then its not usual for the MIL to plan a baby shower.

Must we adopt every foreign tradition? I think it is best left to our cousins?

Your sister in law is her daughter and you are married to her son, those are two very different positions to be in and I would not expect parity in that situation. The chances are she will be closer and have more loyalty to her own daughter than to you.

Your MIL bombarding you with texts is unacceptable and needs to be shut down. You can't make it, you've told her that and that's the end of it.

I don’t understand why youd want to her to , you don't like her ?

are you upset with your mum , best friend auntie work colleagues?

why did you not arrange your own ?

Because your SIL in her daughter??? Of course shes closer to her own daughter. I never heard of anyone's MIL throwing a baby shower. Usually friends, a mum, a partner or even women just throwing themselves a baby shower!

Click bait thread, a MIL and baby shower in one! Bound to get us MNers frothing.

Surely baby showers if they held are just for the first baby.

Agree with this.

Yabu.
MIL or DM isn’t usually the person who organises the baby shower. A friend would take the role.
She’s known her DD since the moment she conceived, she’s thought about these upcoming special occasions for years before she met you.

Don’t create a huge wedge, let her enjoy her DD pregnancy. It’s totally different for a DS as you know again from when they’re children that boys will have a future partner and MIL who’ll make these decisions for him.

Sadly, the DS children get a more distant relationship as a result of this human behaviour.

Makes her sound petulant and out for an argument too.

I would never expect a MIL to throw a baby shower. That’s something that the mum’s parents/siblings/friends do.

It sounds like there are other things in play as to why you are feeling strongly about this.

You clearly aren't keen on her. Why are you bothered? The who "baby reveal" and "baby shower" performance is just that. When that baby is keeping you up all night and you are spending the days like the walking dead, the ones who step in to help out and to let you catch up, they are the real friends and family. As for bottle feeding - don't feel guilty. Some can, some can''t, some do want to, some don't. The important thing is as a wise midwife once said - "Happy mother, happy baby".

Your MIL and you clearly don't get along, so why would you expect or want her to organise your baby shower? Why weren't your friends or other family involved in planning one, given that you were 'so gutted'?
Your MIL doesn't sound like a very nice woman but do you not like your SIL either? I don't know why you wouldn't make an effort to attend her baby shower as she is family after all.