Mother in law didn’t throw me a baby shower, but is doing it for my sister in law.

[curlyhairedlady]

I completely understand that she’s closer to her daughter as she’s her mother.. however when I’ve been pregnant in the past, mother in law never offered to plan a baby shower for me. Now my sister in law is pregnant, she’s holding a baby shower for her.
When I’ve been pregnant in the past, MIL has always been competitive with me. Shame on me for bottle feeding.. she had natural births because she’s got a high pain tolerance ( I had C Sections). Now that SIL is scheduled for have a C Section she’s completely understanding of her choice. its not an easy family to be a part of but i do it for my partner.
She knows Im gutted I didn’t have a baby shower, and now she’s bombarding me with texts saying I need to be available on a certain date to attend the baby shower. I told her I can’t be there as I have something booked with the kids, and that my SIL and the baba are very lucky to have one. And she keeps bombarding me with more texts saying “you should come” etc, knowing I would have loved one.
I feel like she’s going to drive me to insanity. Nothing I say goes, ever. Am I being unreasonable feeling like this?
there is a lot more she has done to upset me in the past, but I’ve been trying to put it aside.

Are you the poster who is struggling with their mental health following child birth and directing their anger towards their SIL?

That Sil just had baby I thought

YABU. Baby showers are tacky.

I’m assuming your own mum is dead or not a part of your life any more? My mum died a couple of years before I had my first child and I was incredibly sensitive (still am really!) to everything my MIL did as I always compared it to what my mum would have done. In my case I’d have been upset MIL had organised a baby shower. Maybe she thought it would be overstepping.

baby showers are pretty new to England and a lot of people think they’re tacky or grabby. Here I think it’s usually friends who organise them.

Your MIL is out of line going on about it to you, but she’s fine to have not done one for you. Your DH could have organised it! The only one I went to was organised as a surprise by the DH and no one was allowed to bring gifts. It was great! Was more of a get together with cake.

Ah maybe, I couldn’t remember! My spidey senses pinged at the irrelevant natural birth/c section references!

Same.lol but I think different. I am hoping

Well I’ve never been to a baby shower as they weren’t a thing in my day, but aren’t they usually organised by friends? That’s what I’ve seen in films.

You could completely reframe this as she really wants you at SIL’s baby shower as she sees you as an important part of the family. That would be a win from any MIL surely?

I think you should make an effort to go and have a lovely time.

Kindly, she isn't your mother.

I don't get why you expect her to organize a shower for you, that should be organized by your friends sister or your own mother.

It seems it's one of many issues with her and if she does all the things you say she does then keep her at arms length and let her son deal with her. If you truly can't make the shower (instead of being resentful) then it is what it is. Keoe her at arms length and manage your expectations with her, when you have lower expectations you have lower chances of being disappointed.

And frankly I would mute her if she is bombarding you with too many messages. You've told her already that you can't make it and that's it but the issue is you seem to have mixed it up saying she is lucky to have a shower and suggesting you're upset you didn't get a shower.

It may well be your mum isn't around.

No reason for mil to do it though. Friends could have hosted one for you - bit cringe for me but I know some people like that kind of thing. Understandable mil doing it for her own daughter but I'm sorry if it makes you feel bad.

You're genuinely upset that your mother in law is planning a baby shower for her own daughter? I mean, I can get being upset if she didn't turn up to yours because she thought they were dumb and then hosted one for her daughter but she didn't. This has nothing to do with you!

Mothers in law just can't win - they're damned if they do, and damned if they don't.
It's up to your close friends and relatives (not in-laws) to organise a baby shower for you.

Why would you want someone you dislike, to throw your baby shower?

I've never, ever known a MIL throw a baby shower. Not, to be fair, a mother. It's something that friends do.

Just be happy you didn't have one @curlyhairedlady . It's a very tacky thing to have and I have declined every single one I've been invited to.

I wouldn't expect someone to throw a baby shower for their daughter-in-law.

When DDIL was pregnant with DGS it didn’t cross my mind to do her baby shower. Then out of the blue her mum asked me if I’d help organise it with her and DDIL’s 2 best friends. I absolutely would not have done it on my own.

Should other DDIL ever have a baby I wouldn’t do her baby shower either, but knowing her she’d absolutely hate one and wouldn’t turn up if one was thrown anyway.

It would be weird for a boyfriends mother or MiL if married to organise a baby gift shower.

Mute notifications for her texts, don't think about her.

Don’t you have any female relatives of your own OP or any friends or any workmates you are particularly close to, those would be the people who would normally organise a baby shower for you. If for some reason you have absolutely no one apart from your MiL, who would even come to your baby shower?

This damn "baby shower" idea is a horrible American import, just to get presents out of people. A baby shower is not compulsory.

OTT.
VERY unreasonable.
Not your mother. She's throwing one for her daughter. Ask your mother or friends why they didn't throw one.
Honestly I get it, as she's the in law she'll be damned if she does and damned if she doesn't.
She didn't. Get over it. Baby showers are tacky anyway I'd find it more offensive if she did put me through that tripe.

YABU sounds a bit passive aggressive and potentially entitled. You, a friend or another relative could have easily thrown a baby shower for you. Might be time to stop sulking about it.

It sounds like you're taking a lot of things as a personal attack? Perhaps your MIL isn't kind or supportive, but on the other hand perhaps you're judging her behaviour and comments as criticism when it's not intended that way?
I threw my own baby shower for my first DC, I didn't know there were rules about someone else doing it for you! I just told friends and family I was pregnant and invited them round to ours for tea and cakes to celebrate. My husband was also there and invited his friends too. Some brought gifts, some didn't and just came with hugs and congratulations. It's a lovely memory. I didn't bother for later pregnancies.
I think you need to focus on being happy and secure in yourself despite what other people do or say.

I wouldn't expect a MIL to host a baby shower. Usually it's your own mum/sister/close friend. Did you not have someone close that could do it for you?

American here, I think showers are a bit nonsensical also. Here, relatives don't throw the shower, tho. Close friends do. Apparently to keep it from looking grabby. (Tbf, my DM helped pay for and do the work for mine, but insisted her name not be on the invites or any other thing to indicate she was hosting. The friend whose house the shower was held at had hostess.)

Op, count your blessings, your MIL sounds like a right numpty anyway. You're well out of it!

If she tried to throw you one you'd probably say she was sticking her nose in and do a post about it.
She is throwing her own daughter a baby shower, what is the big deal? 😩 MILs have a lot of opinions on things, they make comments we dont like it - not that we should normalise it, BUT I have learned to switch off from anything like it now.
My SIL is pregnant, I havent had a baby shower this second pregnancy but did for my first - I couldn't be bothered with the hassle second time round. MIL is throwing one at her house for SIL - I could not care less 🤣 I will be going, with my 3.5 year old and newborn! Just be happy for her.