Mother in law didn’t throw me a baby shower, but is doing it for my sister in law.

[curlyhairedlady]

I completely understand that she’s closer to her daughter as she’s her mother.. however when I’ve been pregnant in the past, mother in law never offered to plan a baby shower for me. Now my sister in law is pregnant, she’s holding a baby shower for her.
When I’ve been pregnant in the past, MIL has always been competitive with me. Shame on me for bottle feeding.. she had natural births because she’s got a high pain tolerance ( I had C Sections). Now that SIL is scheduled for have a C Section she’s completely understanding of her choice. its not an easy family to be a part of but i do it for my partner.
She knows Im gutted I didn’t have a baby shower, and now she’s bombarding me with texts saying I need to be available on a certain date to attend the baby shower. I told her I can’t be there as I have something booked with the kids, and that my SIL and the baba are very lucky to have one. And she keeps bombarding me with more texts saying “you should come” etc, knowing I would have loved one.
I feel like she’s going to drive me to insanity. Nothing I say goes, ever. Am I being unreasonable feeling like this?
there is a lot more she has done to upset me in the past, but I’ve been trying to put it aside.

“I completely understand that she’s closer to her daughter as she’s her mother..”

Bur clearly, you don’t. It’s for YOUR mother/sister/best mate to throw you a baby shower, not your MIL. I’m astonished you think she should have done this for you - I bet it never crossed her mind, and why on earth should it have done?

This exactly. Your own mum, or sister or best friend, throws you a baby shower.

You are being SO unreasonable.

Besides baby showers being ridiculous nonsense, why on earth would a MIL throw one for a DIL? In fact, I'm not even sure that you are MIL/DIL as you said "partner", so not even sure that you're married.

Anyway, it sounds like you don't like your MIL, so just distance yourself from her to protect your own headspace.

I could swear this very thing was posted recently.

Anyway, of course she isn't going to treat you the same. She is her daughter and you married her son. They aren't equal. Do you not have friends? I'd think it quite weird for a MIL to organise a baby shower really.

Why on earth would your MIL throw you a baby shower? That would be a massive over step. It should either be you, your friends or your relatives that arrange it.

You’re not the only person to make an assumption here - but can folks remember that some pregnant women no longer have a DM? I’m sure I’m not the only person who was pregnant years after her DM died.

Not that I expected MIL to host a baby shower for me though.

I must be a terrible mother - I’ve never organised a baby shower for any of my DDs, their best friends have done it!

@curlyhairedlady is your mum alive OP? & if so, do you have a good relationship? Was there any reason your mum didn’t organise you a baby shower?

Also, do you have any sisters, female cousins or good friends? In my circle, it’s either mums, sisters or good friends that organise baby showers. I’ve been to 10 baby showers over the course of 7 years and none have been organised by the mum-to-be’s MIL.

If you can’t attend your SIL baby shower, then you can’t attend. Don’t respond to any more texts from MIL asking you to go.

It sounds like you have a strained relationship with her anyway, so I’d be cutting down on contact with her. Is your husband aware of all the times she’s upset you?

lol. Op, I thought you were joking. When I read just the title I actually thought ‘I’m going to laugh if this is daughters vs dil rather than 2 x dils.’ And it was. It is an entirely different situation!! Yabu. I thought it was friends who threw showers anyway.

I don't get feeling jealous over her daughter and gutted for yourself when clearly you had every opportunity to do your own baby shower?

Baby showers are an absolute pain in the arse. I threw two for friends, back in the day and would never do that again unless it was for my own daughter. On its own this is a non issue, you're not owed a baby shower, and you're not her daughter.

If she's bombarding you with texts about anything, ignore till it suits you. You've already told her no. Look up grey rocking. It sounds like there's more going on here.

I would expect the mother or friends of the mum-to-be to throw the baby shower, not the MIL!! She is throwing one for her DD. Would you not find it weird if your SIL’s partner’s mum was throwing it instead of her own mum?

Why couldn’t you throw your own one? That’s what I did as I didn’t want to burden anyone else. Then people helped out. You are being VU and projecting some kind of upset on to this event. Don’t go if you don’t want to but they are not in the wrong.

I wouldn’t expect my mil to throw a baby shower. My friends did.

You cannot compare her relationship with her daughter to one with her daughter in law. Bonkers.

I’m confused. Is the OP complaining because her MIL threw a shower for her daughter? Or another DIL?

I could read the opening para either way.

Yes, the only people I know who did have them got them thrown by friends, not mothers or MILs.
OP, I would talk with her to clear the air-explain it upset you when she said you should do something (like BF) a certain way, and give her the chance to apologise. She's just as much the grandmother of your kid as her daughter's, so should be as involved. Maybe she feels you and your husband haven't encouraged her and she's worried about MIL stereotypes, so give her the chance to clear the air too.

Her own daughter.

Well, you don't have to be available for them obviously ....

@curlyhairedlady sorry OP but it isn’t your MILs responsibility to throw you a baby shower.

The only exception I could see that it may cross her mind to host one for you, is that you’ve recently moved to the area where she lives, far far away from your own family and friends and you’ve become quite close to her and have expressed that you’d like a baby shower with her, rest of local in-laws plus anyone else you’ve met since moving there.

Otherwise, she’s not being unreasonable not to host / arrange one for you.

Get a grip!

It's for your people to throw you a shower - mother, sister, cousin, friend. My mother died before my daughter was born, and my sister-in-law threw my shower.

I'm in the US, so a baby shower is expected. But I know they're less common there - how do you know your MIL knew you would love one? Maybe she assumed that if no one else was throwing you one, you weren't bothered.

If you were really that upset about not having a baby shower, and you don't have anyone else in your life who would have been willing to throw you one, perhaps your husband could have asked your MIL to throw you one.

You could tell her that you don't attend baby showers as you find them grabby and low-class (which they are). That should shut her up.

YABU!

First, you're not unreasonable.
Second, as to nothing you say ever goes - where's your husband in this?
Third, nothing wrong with your quietly saying something like, It's odd that you're more interested in a shower for your daughter's child than for your son's child - why is that?

OP I am curious as to whether your DH has ever spoken to your MIL about some of the belittling comments she has made towards you in the past?

Because if she has a history of making sly digs but he never calls her out then her behaviour will continue.

I got a worse one. My mum threw a baby shower for my elder sister twice and never one for me.lol I'm loved. It's ok 😂