AIBU to be furious after hearing my husband swear at our baby?

[andreae23]

My baby is 10 months old and isn’t a good sleeper at all. My husband usually does a few resettles in the first few hours when he is up anyway and then I’ll take over and be up multiple times a night every single nihht, baby is breastfed too.

anyway my husband was in there with him this evening, I was still in the living room where he has the monitor, usually I am upstairs. Baby was a little unsettled going back over in his arms, not hysterical or anything but I heard my husband say ‘would you just shut the f*ck up.’ To him. I’m absolutely raging. Livid. I can’t even look at him I stormed up there and took our baby and told him to not come near us. I’m so mad and I think it’s really messed up to say that?? He said he was frustrated and it wasn’t in an aggressive tone and the baby doesn’t understand so he doesn’t see the issue. I’m boiling over with rage at home rn!!!!! Would you be mad?

Oh I’ve definitely said that. Not in an angry way, no aggression, if you didn’t understand English you wouldn’t have known it was anything other than normal pleasant words. I think I’ve even gently sung, like a lullaby, “go the fuck to sleep”.

But in general, swearing doesn’t bother me. Aggression does, nastiness does, but I think you can swear without being aggressive, and you can be really aggressive and unpleasant without swearing. Someone aggressively shouting at a baby to “go to sleep!” without swearing would bother me so much more than this, which you say wasn’t aggressive.

I wouldn't be able to trust him with the baby tbh.
If he is swearing at a 10 month old baby he obviously has no patience with his small vulnerable child.

I think it is the action of someone who is sleep deprived. I said that sort of thing sometimes when mine were tiny and refusing to sleep.

Do it in a soothing tone of voice and baby will know no different.

This exactly and I wouldn’t want a father like that for my child he’d be out!

Same here.

We were bought this when DC were little and read it to them occasionally (before they were old enough to appreciate the words)

This

As long as he wasn't screaming or shouting it in their face, its probably not unreasonable that he might have said that.

My neighbours are chronically sleep deprived parents of a 9 month old.
They both have had moments of swearing at their baby.

Guess you've never heard of the book Go To Fuck Asleep . Don't hold it over him he just said it probably with resignation. If he is otherwise an OK guy . It will be a story to remember. And I have said Oh just shut up baby girl to mine . She hasn't held a grudge .

I'm truly depressed that pp on this thread think swearing at tiny babies is normal and acceptable behaviour.
What chance do children have when their own parents are swearing at them almost from birth?

I also thought of the Go The Fuck to Sleep book. Sleep deprivation is literal torture. If it wasn’t said with any aggression that I don’t see the issue as far as baby is concerned, they won’t hold a grudge or remember! However, maybe it’s worth thinking about how you’re both coping and if it’s worth thinking about a sleep consultant or some (gentle?) sleep training. But have that conversation tomorrow, no good ever came from tired rows at night.

I get he was frustrated but it isn’t a good precedent is it? Not cool to use language like that. I know the baby doesn’t understand but still, it’s a baby. I can’t imagine me or my husband saying anything like that ❤️

Can you explain how it was said? As others have said, this matters.

Feel a bit bad now that mine is affectionately known as baby dickhead

It wasn’t shouting or super aggressive but it was a blunt would you shut the F up - like you might hear a teenager say to their sibling if they were annoying them.

i think the thing that actually makes me so angry is that I am unbelievably sleep deprived and he isn’t! So I’m like come onnnnnn if I can have patience when I’m getting my nipple twisted for an hour at 3am surely you can cope with 30 seconds of crying. He’d literally been in the room 2 mins!! He has apologised but I’m still furious tbh.

baby has never had a bottle so he hasn’t really done any nights and zero feeding in 10 months. All he has to do is play occasionally, resettle him a couple of times in the evening before going for a peaceful sleep in the spare room.

thanks for your replies it’s interesting to hear both sides and calms me down a bit

No, this is not good, mature or sensible behaviour but I would bet anything that of it were the mother who had said this and the father had shut her away from the baby in another room everyone on here would be supporting her and saying ohhhhhh but you have had a bad daaaaay. You’re in the trenches bla bla bla

Oh come on this is such an extreme over reaction! They’re both in the absolute trenches with a newborn baby. I think ages 6m-18m are the worst because you’ve used up every ounce of your soul by then, and if your baby STILL isn’t sleeping it’s pure hell. Honestly one of the hardest periods of my life. I’m amazed my marriage survived tbh!!
@andreae23 talk to each other calmly and get all the sleep you can get. Snatch any minutes you can have together to rest and recharge. Xx

I’d be raging too. I don’t care how sleep deprived, why would you ever say that to an innocent baby?! Absolutely vile

im sure you’re right! He wasn’t too bothered he got to go back to watching the football FFS

I swear like a sailor and I’ve never told my kids to shut the fuck up. My DD was a nightmare sleeper and I spent what felt like months walking up and down with her in the middle of the night so I feel your pain. Those of you that do tell your babies to shut the fuck up because they don’t understand, at what point do you stop saying that?

Certain words were once really offensive, and still are to some people, so I wouldn't personally swear in front of someone who has a problem with it. But a baby doesn't know! It's worse that her mum's mad at her dad and asking a lot of strangers about it-there's lots of dads who never bother looking after their kids at all. And that is not ok.

My husband said something similar to our baby. He was frustrated and tired at the time.

he was absolutely mortified and couldn’t stop apologising to me and baby.

he’s never sworn at her since. He’s a devoted father and treats our now 18yo with respect and love.

I don’t know whether your DH will or won’t react the same way again. And I can understand if you don’t want to leave them alone. But I thought I’d share my experience.

I've been sleep deprived and said something I shouldn't to my son, when he was a baby. I'm not a monster, who now goes around swearing at my son, and is nasty to him. I lost my patience and swore. It happens, I'm human.

My son is 15, a perfectly normal teenager, who hasn't been traumatised by me losing my patience and swearing at him, when he was a baby.

Yelling, shouting, screaming at a child in an aggressive tone, would be far worse.

You are both adjusting to the new baby, all the challenges that brings & everyone has different ways of reacting & adjusting. A crying baby affects people in different ways & he finds it frustrating. give the man some slack- he is trying to help and just needs to find his new normal.

What harm does the work fuck do to a 10 month old? Rather dramatic to ask what chance the children have.