AIBU to be furious after hearing my husband swear at our baby?

[andreae23]

My baby is 10 months old and isn’t a good sleeper at all. My husband usually does a few resettles in the first few hours when he is up anyway and then I’ll take over and be up multiple times a night every single nihht, baby is breastfed too.

anyway my husband was in there with him this evening, I was still in the living room where he has the monitor, usually I am upstairs. Baby was a little unsettled going back over in his arms, not hysterical or anything but I heard my husband say ‘would you just shut the f*ck up.’ To him. I’m absolutely raging. Livid. I can’t even look at him I stormed up there and took our baby and told him to not come near us. I’m so mad and I think it’s really messed up to say that?? He said he was frustrated and it wasn’t in an aggressive tone and the baby doesn’t understand so he doesn’t see the issue. I’m boiling over with rage at home rn!!!!! Would you be mad?

No wonder ops baby is unsettled with one parent acting that way at bedtime. At 10 months they can understand upsetting emotions and feel fear. It’s very sad

I agree. He must have been very unsettled with his mother steaming in when "Absolutely raging.....Livid.....boiling over with rage" and snatching him from his calm father. Adrenaline is known to inhibit breast feeding, so he will be hungry as well as upset.

You may be more sleep deprived but breastfeeding hormones actually help to keep you calmer. I may have had the same reaction as you until I said similar myself one night and OH took the baby(toddler) off me. I think this was after I stopped breastfeeding, and I've found night wakings a lot harder to deal with after breastfeeding because the sleep disruption is harder to wake up from without those sleep hormones and I can act irrationally depending on what stage of sleep I've been woken up from.

I think its worth remembering that most mothers make mistakes and say the wrong thing when alone with the baby but fathers are often witnessed in their worst moments. Maybe you wouldn't say this OP but I think many many mothers would, I've no doubt I've muttered to DS1 that I wanted to kill him while holding him gently. It's unfortunate you heard him but honestly I wouldn't be too bothered. Speaking in a harsh tone consistently is different from a one off. Shouting or aggressive behaviour is unacceptable. I think this scenario is OK but your dh should know how you feel about it

I'd be ... irritated. To me, this is another instance of people being overly melodramatic in AIBU.
Does he say "fuck" in normal conversation with you? Or to you? I'm guessing that he's spoken similarly in other situations.

Maybe the word frightens you?
I used to hate that word so much, even when my partner casually said, oh for f sake under his breathe, dunno why but it used to make me feel very unsafe.

Until, one day, I went to the cinema with my friends
There was a bunch of teenagers that were shouting and making so much noise at the start of the film, until a man very calmly said, kids?
They were like yeah, he said, can you please shut the F up?
They were so shocked they didn't say another single word.
Since then I've found the word rather fantastic at times 🤣 😂
Obviously not nice in an aggressive manner but the worsd iself is quite meaningless

I think everyone has a moment when they say things like this . It's exhausting and frustrating when you are already are sleep deprived and at the end of your tether. As long as he's not shouting then I'd jus t have a word when he's not tired and frustrated. Parenthood is hard !

🤣🤣🤣

It's hard to tell if he was being worryingly nasty or just sleep deprived - only you know your husband well enough to know the answer OP!

It did make me chuckle though as it reminded me of the (many) times I'd be busy in the kitchen and hear the inevitable 'muuuuuuuuuuum' from upstairs. I often whispered 'fuck off' to myself before calling ' yes what is it sweetie?'.

I love my son endlessly and we are very close - but I needed the stress release of the secret swearing😆

It is if they understand what you're saying.

I found sleepless nights incredibly hard. And I know I said and did things on a handful of occasions, that I wouldn't normally dream of doing or saying. Baby was oblivious.

Babies are hard. I think most parents have said things when stressed they haven't meant. There was definitely times with all of mine i had to walk away from them for a few minutes to calm myself down.

Storming into a room where a baby is being settled to sleep and grabbing it out of a parents arms is much more aggressive IMO than saying a curse in a brusque or sharp tone.

I confess to audibly muttering, put on your fucking pyjamas, when 2 year old was acting up.
My mother called me a little bugger at similar age and I apparently yelled it repeatedly from my pram to much embarrassment
its not great but it’s not a crime

You heard the tone so only you can say would baby have felt any aggression in it. If they did, not cool at all, but over their life will definitely experience their parents being frustrated with them sometime. Yes, you too.

But I can relate to your feeling of ‘if anyone is sleep deprived it is me’ and wonder what he has to complain about when you are bf all night.

Anyway, I think this all sounds like one of these things and best not to exaggerate the meaning in it. It’s fucking hard having babies.

That's an excellent point.

Equally though, let’s just think of Philip Larkin and how your kids will think of you:

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

My favourite poem, and far more true than the one posted by the pp you quoted.

I had a baby that wouldn't sleep I sang go the fuck to sleep often..... 😂 Good times

It doesn’t mean anything.
don’t make a mountain out of a mole hill.
he a good supportive loving dad.
he was a bit exasperated. It’s not the end of the world. It’s not a red flag.
let it drop.
he knows you don’t approve.
he won’t do it again.

I’m with you OP. I’m an absolute potty mouth in adult company but have never sworn in front of the kids (4 and 2).

I actually clicked on this thread because I split with my kids’ dad last year, and both kids have told me separately that he’s been shouting at 2yo when she won’t go to sleep. I asked them how this made them feel and they both said it’s scary and made them sad. I was really upset by this. So I completely get where you’re coming from OP, sending love and solidarity.

It wouldn’t bother me at all. But then swearing in general doesn’t bother me.

I don’t know if I ever swore at my baby but in the depths of sleepless nights I definitely sat there sobbing with bleeding nipples whilst trying to settle my baby back to sleep. If anything was going to psychologically affect the baby, I think that would more than me muttering some words he didn’t understand.

Here's a nice bedtime story

Ha... I have been known to sing "go to sleep... go to sleep... go to sleep you little shitbag" 🤣

Didn't make any difference practically but it made me laugh, which helped me stay calm. As long as it's said with a serene smile and a loving tone, what's the problem?

100% this. At last some common sense.

You sound, honestly, a bit nuts. Your baby definitely didn't know he said shut the fuck up 😅

This reminds me of "Go the Fuck to sleep" as read by Noni Hazelhurst

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=VQ_WzkHRtX8&list=PL02F17420C9BD9C7B&pp=iAQB&rco=1