AIBU to be furious after hearing my husband swear at our baby?

[andreae23]

My baby is 10 months old and isn’t a good sleeper at all. My husband usually does a few resettles in the first few hours when he is up anyway and then I’ll take over and be up multiple times a night every single nihht, baby is breastfed too.

anyway my husband was in there with him this evening, I was still in the living room where he has the monitor, usually I am upstairs. Baby was a little unsettled going back over in his arms, not hysterical or anything but I heard my husband say ‘would you just shut the f*ck up.’ To him. I’m absolutely raging. Livid. I can’t even look at him I stormed up there and took our baby and told him to not come near us. I’m so mad and I think it’s really messed up to say that?? He said he was frustrated and it wasn’t in an aggressive tone and the baby doesn’t understand so he doesn’t see the issue. I’m boiling over with rage at home rn!!!!! Would you be mad?

You’re being massively and hugely unreasonable. Such an overreaction.

Seriously mental. And I say that as someone who never swore at her children.

"Livid, boiling over with rage" etc etc.

You sound a lot more aggressive than he does. Hopefully you've settled by now and can put it in more sensible perspective.

Meh. The baby doesn’t understand. He’s tired. You’ve over reacted. As long as it wasn’t t said with venom or aggression I don’t think it’s the end of the world.

It’s not great but a crying baby can feel overwhelming at times. If it was said in a relatively normal tone I’d let it go. If it was said with aggression I’d be more concerned. It sounds like you maybe need to have a conversation during the day when you are both calm. If he acknowledges he was wrong I’d let it go.

What an extreme, and nonsensical, reaction.

We've all lost patience when sleep-deprived and grumpy. To suggest that the father can't be trusted is ludicrous and I have no doubt, whatsoever, that you would not have suggested it had it been the mother who swore.

I'm surprised nobody has suggested calling the police yet...

Pretty sad people think it's fine and normal to swear at a baby....never once have I heard my DH get angry never mond the rest at any of ours and we have 9.
If you can't control yourself appropriately then quite frankly you need to work on it and not take sleep deprivation or whatever excuse used out on your children

Yes, the poor baby must have been so shocked and distressed to hear her dad use that word.

On this thread the baby is simultaneously a tiny newborn and capable of understanding swear words. Regardless, op you and your dh need to come up with a plan for night weaning and doing some sleep training because waking multiple times before you even go to bed yourself is not good for either you or the baby.

Yes and this.... 'l stormed up there and took our baby and told him not to come near us'
I mean FFS (sorry for swearing).

I’ve definitely said that to my baby/toddler, but under my breath. Have you really not got frustrated yourself?

Oh come on! You either don’t have kids or you had kids a very long time ago and have no memory of how insanely stressful the baby years can be. It’s not ideal, but he was frustrated and sleep deprived and that can drive you to the brink of insanity! Plus he didn’t say it aggressively. It’s just a word. I’d be far more concerned if he’d said “please go to sleep” but in an aggressive or shouty way. That’s something that the baby would actually notice, one swear word they don’t even understand. I’m sure I swore under my breath and have said something similar to this guy when my kids were babies.

Or social services. Although there have been a couple of genuine LTB suggestions 🤣

Why is your storming, raging and livid behaviour more beneficial to the baby than a swear word?

sounds like you cant control your temper just as much it seems going by all this dramatic phrasing

I have also said something similar to mine, frustrated but not aggressive, in the depths of sleep deprivation (2x breastfed kids for 2 years each - and each woke 60-90 mins for almost the whole 2 years!). Sometimes when you’re that sleep deprived you simply lose the plot. My issue would be that he isn’t actually the one doing the night wakes - that’s what would anger me more. He has no excuse to be frustrated because he simply isn’t doing the bulk of it!

Yes I had children a long time ago.

But I remember very well how difficult those first few years were, particularly as we had no family support or friendship network in the area.
My children were everything to me, and still are actually.. Very much wanted and loved. We chose to bring them in to the world. So I would never ever swear at them. Why would I swear at a innocent baby ?

Don’t ever read “Go the fuck to sleep”.

Totally agree. I also think the responses gasping with horror at the swearing are minimising how damaging sleep deprivation can be.

The most helpful thing anyone said to me when I was suicidal with sleep deprivation was that when their own baby was tiny and wasn't sleeping, he could understand how someone could shake a baby to death. That baby and mine are both now healthy and happy primary school kids who sleep well.

I have self harmed while my baby screamed and cried in my arms for hours during the night. I think a soft swear word to externalise my despair a bit might have been better.

I’m currently sat in our rocking chair with our 7 month old (been here since 4am). I get why you’ve reacted the way you did because hormone/tiredness - they make you a bit crazy, especially as resentment starts to creep in from the natural imbalance in the caring load for a little one.

But it’s honestly not bad, what your husband did. You said there was no anger or aggression in his tone. So it really was just an offhand, resigned comment. One I’ve probably thought a hundred times 😂

I’d go and apologise for overreacting today and explain that you’re wrung out. See if there’s any way he can make any of this a bit easier for you. Even if it’s just taking one or two of the wake-up’s that don’t require feeding to sleep. Or letting you get a nap in during the evening.

Ds is 16 now and has always been a crap sleeper. I’m pretty sure when he was a baby i did mutter “go the fuck to sleep”. What I never do was storm into a room he was in absolutely livid and to me that’s much worse.

The pair of you are both exhausted. The current system isn’t working so you need to calmly talk about making some changes to help improve sleep.

It's the sign you needed to sleep train the baby. At 10 months there's no need for this many wake ups. Get a routine and ferber method (or similar) on the go for 2 weeks and see how much better life is for both of you. You'll be back to work soon enough and need sleep.

I have done this in this situation, at my wits end I have also shouted. I regretted it straight away and obviously DH was really not happy about it. We agreed that as soon as I felt a bit stressed by baby I would call for DH to take over. It worked well. Sleep deprivation is hell I feel for both of you.

Because you're at the end of your tether with sleep deprivation?

We can't all be perfect.

I get why you are annoyed but you are focusing on the wrong thing. You are both sleep deprived and thus can have a massive impact on everyone’s well-being.

Now is the time to look at getting your baby into better sleep habits. A 10 month old doesn’t need milk at 3am, so is waking out of habit for your boob and you are obliging. So it’s turned into a cycle and one you need to break. Time to teach your little one to self soothe and stop being reliant on your boob to sleep.