AIBU to be furious after hearing my husband swear at our baby?

[andreae23]

My baby is 10 months old and isn’t a good sleeper at all. My husband usually does a few resettles in the first few hours when he is up anyway and then I’ll take over and be up multiple times a night every single nihht, baby is breastfed too.

anyway my husband was in there with him this evening, I was still in the living room where he has the monitor, usually I am upstairs. Baby was a little unsettled going back over in his arms, not hysterical or anything but I heard my husband say ‘would you just shut the f*ck up.’ To him. I’m absolutely raging. Livid. I can’t even look at him I stormed up there and took our baby and told him to not come near us. I’m so mad and I think it’s really messed up to say that?? He said he was frustrated and it wasn’t in an aggressive tone and the baby doesn’t understand so he doesn’t see the issue. I’m boiling over with rage at home rn!!!!! Would you be mad?

How do you know he isn't sleep deprived?

You say you sort the rest of the night, are you working?

If you don't work, you are being even more unreasonable because your husband has work and sorting the baby.

I wouldn't get worked up over swearing like that. I've done the exact same thing to my child as a baby.

If your husband was really aggressive swearing at the baby, then different story.

There’s a big difference between saying shut the fuck up and saying you’re a little fucker or I fucking hate you. A really big difference.

if he said would you shut the fuck up in a fairly even/non aggressive tone, it’s a total non issue. The baby doesn’t understand.

I would actually argue that the sleep issues of the baby are far worse than the swearing. The baby would likely be much happier co-sleeping.Re settling sounds like following advice, rather than actually looking after the child in front of you in the way that they need.

I’ve never shown any aggression or shouted. But I have said calmly and coldly, “ please shut the fck up”. I felt really bad about it, but then I realised that singing gently “shut the fck up” (or alternatively, “go the f*ck to sleep”) over and over to the tune of rock-a-bye-baby really helped both me and the baby get through it.

Mind you, that was while in a state of complete sleep deprivation and it’s not my usual parenting!!

Hang on, by your own words it was you that was; angry, livid, mad, raging and stormed upstairs. That's the aggression and if baby remembers anything it will be this. A sleep deprived 'fuck' comment is nothing in the grand scheme of things.

Sleep deprivation is used as an instrument of torture. And apparently it's very effective. So. There's that.

10 months of broken sleep? Cut the guy some slack.

Try being a widowed (& heartbroken) severely disabled parent to a child with autism, living in poverty. To say life is stressful and difficult is putting it mildly so yeah, I have on the odd occasion, snapped at my 11yr old who is continuing to be ridiculously loud after being told 4 times and said “SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!” but it’s certainly not an active choice I would ever make in my usually rational mind. Here’s the thing though, people aren’t perfect! Nobody is and mistakes happen when stress levels are through the roof. So let’s not shame other parents for not being as perfect as you……?

I'm sorry but this is an absolute undermine and emotive manipulation of the OP's original question. It's a poem!

Poems are meant to illicit the feelings of emotion to society/ audience / criticism. They certainly are not a set of instructions or guidance to a new mum looking for practical advice.

We have a new mum and was shocked to hear those "swear words" and you produce this!!.

@andreae23 I don't see it as that bad given that we don't have any other red flags. You are both tired.

Take some rest and just discuss that you would not like him to swear around DC.

Also to your other points, can you find a way for him to help with feeds? I notice you say he won't take a bottle, would he take a beaker?

I agree. I think this is a huge over reaction.

I produced it because some poster asked why swearing at a baby matters.

It matters because swearing at a baby demonstrates a lack of patience with a tiny helpless child whch is behaving in the natural way that tiny helpless babies do.

If the parents reaction to a helpless child's behaviour is impatience and intolerance then how can that child thrive?

Where is the parents natural love and protective instincts if their reaction to a baby crying is to swear at it?

Saying fucking go to sleep to a 10 month old baby simply does not matter. Not one bit.

You are attempting to compare apples to plums, and it won't wash. Knackered parents occasionally swear.

Shrug.

Since that's all OP complained about, that's all there is. If he starts swearing on the regular and continues doing so you will have a point. But at the moment, you very definitely don't.

Stop with the overheated drama, it's nonsensical.

If swearing at a baby doesn't matter then it just shows what a sick and morally bereft society we live in.

😅😂😂The daughter of Mary Whitehouse speaks.

thats genius hahaha,, at work and burst out laughing!

Parents are not saints, they are human with human frailties. And because being human doesn’t make us perfect we get impatient, we get frustrated and fed-up, the key is to recognize this. Swearing at a baby, not yr best move, but sometimes you’ve simply run out of all yr good qualities! Will the child remember at this age, no.

Umm she knows he isn’t sleep deprived because he gets a full nights sleep in the spare room no less?

Haha

Oh I've definitely said things like "goodammit why can't you go the fuck to sleep" to DS2 who was a terrible sleeper! It was never said aggressively, you need the odd outlet. We read the Noni Hazlehurst book too! Parenthood doesn't confer sainthood. The odd expletive uttered by a frustrated, sleep deprived parent will not condemn your babies to the moral wasteland.

Sleep deprivation does funny things to people. I had someone wind down her window, yell at me and call me a selfish c* in a supermarket car park because I "took her space" the other day (I was actually there first). As I was coming out of the checkouts, she ran up up to me and apologised, then burst into floods of tears. Turns out her wife was 4 weeks postpartum and she'd not had more than 2hrs unbroken sleep since. I ended up giving her a hug, buying her a latte and reassuring her that blind rage at small annoyances is really quite normal as a parent of a newborn that won't fucking sleep and you have no fucking idea why!

Swearing at someone is a sign that ypu hold that person in contempt. It is sign of dislike.

Swearing at a crying baby goes against the natural protective and loving feelings that is normal in parents.

I think it's very telling that you think a parent swearing at their helpless child is a matter for humour.

I can assure you that it is perfectly possible to mutter the odd expletive when faced with a crying baby that won't sleep or a recalcitrant toddler and still adore the bones of your children. My teenagers still have me rolling my eyes to high heaven and saying "FFS" in my head multiple times a week! Doesn't mean I dislike them or hold them in contempt.

In your belief system, swearing may mean dislike or contempt, but for others it's not as black and white as that.

Plenty of pearl clutching on here, FFS.

Really surprised by the vote. This can't be normal to swear at a baby? Someone who does that would likely end up swearing at a toddler who is climbing on things, or a school kid who answers back. Kids can be frustrating but parents need to deal with it without verbally abusing the kid.

As a one off if he was very tired and realises it’s wrong, I’d let him off
having a baby is exhausting. Of course it’s usually worse for us mums from a sleep deprivation pov but for dads who are working full time and now don’t get a break at all on the evenings, it can also be exhausting

Nah. You sound like you have some deep seated psychological issues and are attempting to project.

Nice try though ;)

He said shut the fuck up once, when tired, to a 10 month old who doesn't have a clue and doesn't care.

It's not important, that's why nobody gives a shit.

If there's more to it, we can address that. If this is all there is it's a nothing burger.

My DC was born two weeks late by emergency section. I was persuaded to BF while we were still in hospital but then they absolutely refused to take a bottle when we got home a week later. They’d BF for an hour, take ages to settle then be awake for another feed an hour later. They then developed colic at about 10 days old so the refusing to sleep then became hours of screaming their head off between feeds and they wouldn’t settle for their dad. I can tell you without any feelings of guilt I swore many many times at them, in fact I’d sing row, row, row your boat over and over but swapped many of the words for swear words. I endured 13 weeks of this, day and night, until the colic started to settle and they began to learn to sleep. They’re late 20s now and still at home and we have a great relationship so I’m pretty confident my singing ‘dear god, shut the fuck up you’re driving me insane’ over and over’ didn’t do any long lasting harm