AIBU to be furious after hearing my husband swear at our baby?

[andreae23]

My baby is 10 months old and isn’t a good sleeper at all. My husband usually does a few resettles in the first few hours when he is up anyway and then I’ll take over and be up multiple times a night every single nihht, baby is breastfed too.

anyway my husband was in there with him this evening, I was still in the living room where he has the monitor, usually I am upstairs. Baby was a little unsettled going back over in his arms, not hysterical or anything but I heard my husband say ‘would you just shut the f*ck up.’ To him. I’m absolutely raging. Livid. I can’t even look at him I stormed up there and took our baby and told him to not come near us. I’m so mad and I think it’s really messed up to say that?? He said he was frustrated and it wasn’t in an aggressive tone and the baby doesn’t understand so he doesn’t see the issue. I’m boiling over with rage at home rn!!!!! Would you be mad?

I may have played the Samuel L Jackson recording of this many, many times 😂

Another one who is suggesting sleep training. If you are both sleep deprived when LO is 10 months old then it's time to start. I know sleep training is often reviled on mumsnet, but if you are all, and I include baby in this, not getting enough good quality sleep it's time to try.
Re the swearing, I'm not keen on it, because I've been sworn at aggressively by customers so much. If it was a mutter from him I wouldn't be concerned. Aggression, yes I would be.

How children are treated in their early years shapes their whole life. Ridiculous to say they don’t understand so it’s ok. So we should not bother properly with our kids until they will remember??

The baby will pick up if it’s in a safe environment or not. Aggression can trigger a fight or flight response. While a one off incident isn’t going to do much, this type of behaviour as a pattern will have an emotional impact on children.

It”s really sad to see so many people think this is ok.

My DH said something like that a few times during our daughter’s first year. She was an awful sleeper. We were both shattered. Still a bad sleeper at 3 - adenoids and tonsils, waiting for an operation, but he hasn’t said anything like that since that first year and he dotes on his little girl.

If you read a lot of folk lullabies you’ll be surprised how desperate and aggressive at times they can sound.

I always remember the short story 'Sleepy' by Anton Chekov when people say 'sleep-deprived'.

I haven't been able to read the whole thread but please look into safe bed sharing, in the UK lullaby trust and NHS have guidance on how to do it, it is particularly helpful with overnight breastfeeding if you are able to safely feed side lying. It was the thing that kept me functioning with a restless baby 1st time around, as i wasnt sleeping well and felt unable to function at around 4 months. It has also helped so much with ensuring we all get more sleep now we have 2.

So many perfect parents on here who have never even had so much as a negative thought about their children and never swear! There must be a sainthood somewhere you can apply for.

There you have it. He was pissed off at missing the football!

In my opinion it’s totally different him saying it because he’s not really in the trenches. He gets to have a good sleep every night.

I think you are totally right to be angry. He shouldn’t have said it. If he wasn’t distraught at you reacting that way he doesn’t even think it was wrong.

I think people forget that we are all different and we react differently to stress and situations. Some people are just naturally more patient than others, some get frustrated easier, some people don't swear, some people see no harm in swearing etc. We are all human and everyone of us has had those, flip I shouldn't have done/said that moments. As long as your baby is fine and your partner is otherwise a good guy/dad chalk it up to one of those human moments, discuss it in a calm manner and move on with the hope of doing better.

I get it though. Unless you’re superhuman you understand how god awful sleep deprivation is, even if it’s your delightful babies keeping you up! You’ve had a rough ride still dealing with it after 10 months, many babies have settled into more of a routine by this stage. I feel for you both. He just snapped in the moment, we’ve all been there.

I would be very angry to hear this said to a baby! To me there is no excuse. You need to make it very clear you will never ever tolerate this behavior in the future.

Come off it. Telling a baby to shut the fuck up is not ok. I’ve ranted about both my babies not going to sleep etc, I’ve left the room because I was frustrated, but I’d never do it to them.

I stormed up there and took our baby and told him to not come near us. I’m so mad and I think it’s really messed up to say that?? He said he was frustrated and it wasn’t in an aggressive tone and the baby doesn’t understand so he doesn’t see the issue. I’m boiling over with rage at home rn!!!

So only 1 parent in this situation had an aggressive reaction, and that's OP...
A therapist might help you regulate your "rage" over a minor parenting disagreement.

I would not be at all happy but then I am someone who hates swearing. As others have said, he is probably sleep deprived so would have a talk with him and ask him to commit to not swearing especially around your child. But honestly there are far worse things people do.

Are you speaking of the swear word or the OPs behaviour?

That's because she would be! Read the division of labour as described by the OP. I'm afraid he's yet another angry man - he was with the baby for moments and lost it, and he is not the sleep-deprived one.

Too big a red flag to keep holding onto, IMHO.

Well I totally get why he said it. Your reaction is a bit much.

Having now read the whole thread, it seems to me that the many posters who are minimising what has happened are entirely missing the point. Of course this would be understandable in a desperately sleep-deprived parent who had tried, and tried, and tried to get baby to sleep, but this was not the situation!

This was a man who wanted to get back to watching the football. This was a man who had spent only moments in the room with the baby. This was a man who sleeps soundly all night in his own room! This was a man..... Oh, hang on! It's a man! Well, well, well; an aggressive man. Quelle surprise!

And the op's reaction was perfectly normal?

You wouldn’t because you’re clearly the world’s most perfect mother 🙄

Exhausted sleep deprived parent swears at cranky baby in moment of weakness shock horror! Clearly this baby will grow up to be a serial killer now.

WOW 🙄

How does she know he actually gets a full night's sleep in the spare room? Maybe he can hear the baby at night?

I completely agree.

So on threads where the OP's partner or spouse swears at them it is called out by virtually every poster as abusive behaviour .
But according to you and other pp on this thread swearing at babies and children is OK.
MN double standards at it's clearest..