AIBU to be furious after hearing my husband swear at our baby?

[andreae23]

My baby is 10 months old and isn’t a good sleeper at all. My husband usually does a few resettles in the first few hours when he is up anyway and then I’ll take over and be up multiple times a night every single nihht, baby is breastfed too.

anyway my husband was in there with him this evening, I was still in the living room where he has the monitor, usually I am upstairs. Baby was a little unsettled going back over in his arms, not hysterical or anything but I heard my husband say ‘would you just shut the f*ck up.’ To him. I’m absolutely raging. Livid. I can’t even look at him I stormed up there and took our baby and told him to not come near us. I’m so mad and I think it’s really messed up to say that?? He said he was frustrated and it wasn’t in an aggressive tone and the baby doesn’t understand so he doesn’t see the issue. I’m boiling over with rage at home rn!!!!! Would you be mad?

'Can't even look at him' and 'boiling with rage' is such an extreme over reaction. Seriously get a grip.
He's human, give him a break

I swore vividly at mine when they were that age, and when they were of an age to understand I stopped swearing in front of them until they were teens. The baby will be just fine.

A kid screaming their head off all night for 10 months is enough to drive anyone to swear.

I’m sure I did similar with my 2 at the same age. Not ideal but we’re all only human. They’re 20 and 17 now and don’t seem to have suffered lasting trauma

Ditto. Things like “please please just fing sleep!!!” Only very occasionally when super sleep deprived and stopped long before they were learning to speak. And now my DC are teens I do mutter swear words to myself about them occasionally under my breath too “just get ready for school for * sake”. Doesn’t mean I’m aggressive towards them or that I don’t love them to bits. Probably does mean I’ve normalised swearing a bit too much in my vocabulary…

why the tone? Why isn’t this reasonable? Hes not sleep deprived. It’s very clearly tested and documented that being sleep deprived is mentally extraordinarily difficult. Why is it not different and much more understandable circumstances if an exhausted mum has a moment? This man had been in there two minutes. Thats not in any way equivalent with a mum who’s been carrying baby for an hour who’s slept in bursts for months. If my 2yo whacks me with a stick, I’m cross but calm. If my 2 yo whacks me 200 times with a stick, I’m struggling not to lose my mind.
people say these things like it’s a gotcha. I’m glad it would be different, it means Mumsnet cares about struggling exhausted mums. As it should.

It wasn’t said aggressively. It’s just a word. The baby has no idea. You’re both tired- tell him it’s not acceptable and it shouldn’t happen again, then move on. You are both new parents navigating this new hell together. Give each other some slack, this is a marathon and at some point you’ll likely drop the f bomb too. We aren’t all perfect parents all the time. (Although this site will make you think you should be!)

Almost every parent of a baby is sleep deprived and most parents of toddlers. It’s absolutely not acceptable to swear at a baby/child, it’s abusive, and bonkers MN logic can’t convince me otherwise.

No wonder ops baby is unsettled with one parent acting that way at bedtime. At 10 months they can understand upsetting emotions and feel fear. It’s very sad. He needs some anger management or parenting classes.

Afraid I think you’re being unreasonable. When my now teens were young we lived in a Victorian terrace - walls were paper thin…. Neighbour and I agreed that if we heard each other raise our voices in frustration (both had babies/toddlers) we’d ring the doorbell and suggest a cup of tea/glass of wine…..it certainly wasn’t regular but it did happen. With my last my Dh once heard me swear in frustration over the baby monitor in the middle of the night - he came in, took the baby and told me calmly I needed some sleep - in the morning I apologised and he pointed out sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture… swearing doesn’t mean you’ll be physically abusive - if it did a vast swathe of the population would be in jail.

No need to swear at a child , I am fed up with people thinking that is normal
No wonder primary school children swear at their teachers and think it's ok.
He isn't sleep deprived, he sleeps in the spare room.

Our eldest was an absolute nightmare, hated going to sleep, wouldn't stay asleep, wouldn't go back to sleep, so difficult! I may have thought it often but neither of us ever said anything like that to her.

Swearing at your own kids is grim.

If the baby had any idea what it meant then it would be abusive. But they don’t. Tone means everything. I feel you’re overreacting if he usually a good and supportive father and husband. One swear word in the scenario you describe with have had zero impact on your child.

I think it's understandable tbh. You've a baby that's not settling, you are both knackered (and I know you more so) and it's just a hard period to go through. I don't see a problem with what he said. The baby will never remember it or understand and as you said, wasn't said angrily or anything.

I guess there's nothing in his personality before to make you ever question his role as a father otherwise you'd not have had a kid with him? Nothing to make you think that he's going to be swearing at the child throughout the rest of his life? Then let it go imo, pick your battles. I think your reaction may be a little OTT too, because so tired.

If you think it's acceptable to swear at a tiny baby no doubt you will be swearing at that child all of it's life.

Do you know this famous poem?
Children Learn What They Live
by Dorothy Law Nolte

If children live with criticism,They learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility,They learn to fight.
If children live with ridicule,They learn to be shy.
If children live with shame,They learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement,They learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance,They learn to be patient.
If children live with praise,They learn to appreciate.
If children live with acceptance,They learn to love.
If children live with approval,They learn to like themselves.
If children live with honesty,They learn truthfulness.
If children live with security,They learn to have faith in themselves and others.
If children live with friendliness,They learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

A child that gets sworn at almost from birth isnt learning anything positive about it's self worth is it? And it's learning nothing about patience and love.

Well the baby doesn’t understand so I think they’ll be ok.

I’ve muttered things to myself when my baby has woken up for literally the 15th time in a given night (after they did exactly the same the night before, and the night before that). Would I have said it if the baby understood me? No. Was it my proudest moment? No. But that baby knew nothing but kindness from me so I am 100% ok with it.

I swore at my baby (or rather under my breath) in those deepest darkest sleep deprived nights. I’d never have done it in a million years if he understood me. It was a tiny moment of rebellion. A little moment of autonomy in months of giving myself to a tiny little baby. So no, I’m not swearing at my kids their whole life because I muttered a swear word at them before they could understand me.

What about other peoples?

He played you like a fiddle!

It also depends on your situation. Is DH going to work in a few hours?

As long as it wasn’t said aggressively then it’s fine.

Sometimes swearing just helps.

There was no aggression, a swear word is not always said with aggression, it's just a word. The hostility in this situation came when OP 'stormed' up there 'fuming' to take the baby and tell her DH to stay away from them both. Huge overaction.

As a Mum I've said this under my breath a few times, so has DH. The constant crying from a baby makes you feel helpless and frustrated so you do find yourself saying things you wouldn't normally. Never shouted, just within quiet sighing, exhausted.

No point in shouting at a baby, it means end of tether if you do, so yanbu but it could have been one of those moments of sighing which came out louder.

Only you know if it was untypical of him or if he will the same going forward. Xx

You're overreacting so much more than he is. Some people just swear a lot.