AIBU to think our current grandparent visits are fair?

[Pinkmondays]

Trying to keep this as short as possible, is the following - in your opinion - adequate time with family (we have 3 sets of grandparents). There's me, DH and our son.

-Grandparents 1- live 5 mins drive away..we see them on average every other week, sometimes more.
-Grandparents 2: live an hour's drive away, we see them once a month for a full Sunday usually

• Grandparents 3: live a 2 hour flight away. We see them at least every 2-3 months for a week, and the whole summer holidays plus every Christmas.

Is this fair? I'm asking because grandparents 2 make noises about not seeing us enough!

Would you think it was fair if it was his parents that got vastly more time with you all (and all the summers and Christmases)?

I have very little time for people who try to make these things fair and even. It’s not possible and you’ll drive yourself mad. My parents live far away, my in laws live close. I’m not spending ages in the car driving up to my parents to make it even.

But if you are trying to make it fair (as your last sentence suggests) then I think your last sentence is also a bit silly. You quite clearly do not not see your parents for most of the year. You see them every couple of months for a week (I’m assuming this is every half term?), and for the whole summer holiday, and Christmas.

Also, as we don't see my parents for most of the year I think it's only fair.

But you see them every 2 or 3 months for a week, spend the entire summer with them, and you also spend every Christmas with them.

As a pp worked out, you see them far more than the others.

@Pinkmondays "Also, as we don't see my parents for most of the year I think it's only fair."

But that doesn't make sense! You actually stay with gd3 (your parents) for around 13 or 14 full weeks of the year. All summer holidays, all Christmas and for a week every 2 months. If anything it sounds a bit overkill.

If it was MIL who lived abroad would you spend Christmas with them every year?

Oh my goodness we've got the same!! We always have to visit them and it seems they think this is the way it should be. Why is that so? Roundabout the same ages as yours - Step FIL is 83, the others between 70-77.

A blind man could have predicted that GPs 3 were yours 😂 Yeah, you're definitely being unfair to your husband/partners parents

It's more like 11 weeks to be honest, 5 in the summer, 2 at Christmas and maybe 2 or three more .... I can see it seems overkill but I miss them a lot and they are fantastic with our little boy!

But you said they were elderly and you didn't want them to make the journey on (what you describe) as a horrible motorway. So which is it? And doesn't your DH ever want to go anywhere else on holiday?

So it's your fair your parents get every Christmas? They may be your parents but to your child, they are equal relatives to your DHs parents.

How come they live a 2 hour flight away ? If it was your parents who moved away I can see why it upsets your mil that she never gets Christmas or summer holidays with her grandchild because your parents chose to move abroad.

If it's you whose moved, then while I can see your mil point of view, id have more sympathy for you feeling you need to use holidays to visit home

Does it even up when you add set 1 and 2 together and then compare it with 3?

I hate having divorced parents, especially when they are being childish about how much time you spend with the other one.

It’s clear that GP3 are the preferred gparents. They get every Christmas and summer holidays and more than GP1 plus GP2. If I was GP1 and GP2, I’d be disappointed about that but I’m going to assume that your h isn’t very keen on his parents so happy with the current balance.

It’s not equal time but there’s 3 sets of grandparents and you need some weekends as a 3 too. Some people would moan (and enjoy moaning) even if they were the ones with the majority- is your MIL like that and best ignored?

@Pinkmondays I assume you both are school staff or does your DH miss nearly 11 weeks with his DC?

Seriously, your attitude to your in-laws is really shitty. And your DH is no better.

Are you from abroad and is that where your parents live OP? In which case Is completely understand going for 11 weeks.

I used to be the same when I lived abroad. It's also your child's culture and they need exposure to the language and culture, grandparents visit aside.

I think it’s up to your DH to make sure things are fair between his parents, if it needs to be made fair, and to facilitate visits to/ from them as he sees fit.

If he’s happy with the amount of visiting to your family, I don’t see the issue.

If GPs2 think it’s not fair - and I’m not sure fair comes into it when it comes to who you choose to spend your time with - then they need to talk to their son about it.

I would just carry on doing what you enjoy.

Also I agree with this!

Still happy to use GP2 for childcare on inset day though!

That’s a fair point.

It’s not op or her dh or child’s fault the in-laws are divorced making two homes to visit grandparents.

Where as to visit hers in one home which is also a flight away and the dh prefers to be there for Christmas so he doesn’t have to pick a side between his own parents.

Well keep doing this then! Your reasons seem perfectly valid tbh

It depends on if you can live with the fall out/ are happy with the set up.

The short answer is no it isn't fair GP3 get weeks at a time and it's 24/7 when you are there.

GP 1and 2 technically see you more frequently but for far less time just. Few hours a visit. GP 1 and 2 don't get any of the "special dates" if they matter eg Christmas/ Easter if they wanted they couldn't have an extended family get together etc.. because you and your children are out of the country. That can be perceived as unfair.

Further GP1 and 2 may expect you to do more of the visiting because you do the visiting to your parents.

However if what you do works for you and you can handle the complaints carry on no one on the outside should judge.

Not sure why DH would have to pick sides for Christmas Day when it comes to his parents, one lives 5 minutes away, the other an hour. You could visit both and still be home for tea!

I think as a grandparent I would feel a little sad never to see a grandchild(ren) at all over the Christmas holidays, could be any day not especially Christmas Day or Boxing Day even. Never to see the open their presents or enjoy a little Christmas Magic, while they are still young. Also no time in the summer school holidays at all, no multigenerational days out to have icecream or go to the beach or a play park on a warm sunny day. Or take them out for the day, if the parents are happy with that.

Altogether it sounds like a lot. Do you get any time for yourselves? Do you get any holidays which aren't at your parents?

I think the balance is wrong but not for the same reasons as GP2.

Perhaps your parents live somewhere nice and warm so you're using time you would otherwise be on a holiday in the sun to be there, rather than taking it all from the time you have available for family.
If your parents are still together and make the whole relationship easier (as it sounds like from your writing) it’s understandable you want to spend time there. You don’t owe anyone a quantity of your time.