AIBU to think our current grandparent visits are fair?

[Pinkmondays]

Trying to keep this as short as possible, is the following - in your opinion - adequate time with family (we have 3 sets of grandparents). There's me, DH and our son.

-Grandparents 1- live 5 mins drive away..we see them on average every other week, sometimes more.
-Grandparents 2: live an hour's drive away, we see them once a month for a full Sunday usually

• Grandparents 3: live a 2 hour flight away. We see them at least every 2-3 months for a week, and the whole summer holidays plus every Christmas.

Is this fair? I'm asking because grandparents 2 make noises about not seeing us enough!

Personally I don’t like to travel at all Christmas Day so I certainly wouldn’t be visiting two home and would have hated it as a child as well.

Well, the question is, is it fair?
Clearly it’s not but it is what it is. If you’re happy with it, so be it. But at the same time, it’s fair enough for GP2 to be upset that they don’t get the same time with their GC that your DM and DF get, you can’t complain about that.

As women generally live longer than men and step FIL seems the eldest, what will happen if he dies before MIL, will DH ignore her every Christmas?

Without reading anything other than your first post, I knew that Grandparents 3 would be yours. Feel zero guilt about seeing your parents, if you’re invited to the others more often and can do it, definitely do because they won’t be around forever.

U make me glad we have 2 sets. Ones near us used to do nursery then sxhool pick up once a week so they could spend more time with dc (we paid daycare as back up)
I always saw my parents 4 or 5 times as they were a flight away but usually no more than 2 weeks at a time as dh missed them too much

@Tableforjoan currently the DC aren't at their home for 2 weeks over Christmas, can't imagine they have all their presents when they are away.

Do you have any experience with divorced parents that hate each other?

Both of mine can make drama out of nothing. Like who gets the first visit. Neither would be happy with whatever plan is proposed, they always feel that they in particular have drawn the short straw.

It's exhausting and if OPs in-laws are anything like my parents I completely understand why her DH has withdrawn.

Why is it relevant what the other grandparents visiting times are? One set has said they don’t see if you enough why should they affect any other sets?

Well maybe they should have raised a son who shared the mental load and also wanted to see their family. I think women visit their family more because they tend to be organising these things and want to. Men could organise this I'm sure but they don't tend to.
My dh loves his parents but it's me who flags when we've not seen them for ages and suggests he find a date.

To answer the question, yes I've moved to the UK for a year at university and net DH. So I feel guilty for not living nearer my parents.

To the person who said my attitude towards my I laws is shitty, where is this coming from? I really like them and we have a lovely time when we're together!

I agree with your first para - I can totally see it makes life easier if you don't have to split the time up between divorced parents.

But the second para is bizarre, you see far more of your parents.

Anyway, other roads other than motorways exist so that really isn't a reason for GP2 not to come. As do trains and buses if they wanted to do that instead and it's practical for where you live.

Is your house big enough to accommodate everyone at Christmas?

Imagine your little boy is now grown up with a cute little boy of his own. If you never got to spend Christmas with him despite living relatively close by whilst every year they spent it with his wife's family (having already had 3 other holidays with them that year), would you think it was fair? Or is that not going to happen to you?

Well I don't necessarily think that spending time with grandparents needs to be evenly portioned out. But grandparents 2 do have a point. You are spending over 20% of the year with grandparents 3, plus flights to get there. You are spending 1 day in 30 with grandparents 2 (and it is probably only a few hours in practice, you are not staying overnight). That it is a huge difference! If they are uninterested, unengaged grandparents that's fine. But it doesn't seem to be the case?

I’ve only read the OPs posts and not RTFT but …

OP - do not fall into the trap of feeling you have to carve out your family’s time equally among GPs. Who do you and your family want to spend time with, and does the way you spend your time feel about right for each set of GPs based on your relationship with each?

I know it sounds simplistic but hold firm and spend your time as it suits you. You’ll only be driven mad trying to please everyone but yourself and your DH.

I fully recognise that I am projecting my own issues (parents who have high expectations of how they should be considered when they put zero effort into the relationship and are actually quite shitty to me) in this advice. But it’s only many years down the line that I am now of the view that I should spend my time with people I want to see and not feel beholden to do otherwise.

100% this! I have to remind my husband that we've not seen his mum for ages! I really like her but if I didn't instigated it I'm not sure he would

I don’t mind being away away.

We did that a few times as a child, b&b type places by the coast with huge Christmas trees. Feeling all nostalgic now.

I just don’t like waking up at home then trudging everywhere.

Maybe op / dh could host every other year but that would only work if both his parents would be able to spend even dinner together on the day. Otherwise you’re back to the whole splitting between three mess.

For another thread but the kids of divorced parents really need to get firm with them.

My dad was a pain in the proverbial when he and my mum were getting divorced and in the end I just phoned him and told him to stop being an arse and get the paperwork sorted out.

Equally if he and my mum had started whining about who was seeing more of me I'd have told them straight to grow up.

You really do need to give it to them with two barrels. Their poor life (partner) choices should not have a negative impact on their adult children (and grandchildren).

And don't tell me they won't listen. They will if they think you mean it.

@CuteOrangeElephant I have divorced in-laws which has proved tricky at times, but even at the trickiest times I would never have split the time with GPs in such a way. And if you are willing to travel to one set of GPs for Christmas, then in my mind, where practical, you should have some Christmases with other GPs.

But you can’t say you don’t see them for most of the year when you see them a minimum of 4 weeks a year (school holidays?) as well as summer and Christmas! I’m not saying you’re wrong, and you don’t need to try and divide the pie exactly equally if you and DH are happy with the current arrangements, but I can see how it must look to GPs 1 and 2. Most grandparents enjoy seeing excited children at Christmas, on holiday etc.

I’d prefer to be grandparents 3.

Just his mum? Not his dad?

Also, you’re not teaching your dh that both sides of his family are important. Be careful or it will be you in a few years time

As a grandparent myself, I think that’s fair @igelkott2026

I think I understand that 1 and 2 are the in-laws and 3 are your parents who are married to each other? I think you’re spending far too much time with all of them. But as I’ve explained to my own parents 100 times, they don’t get double because they are divorced. They get half of whatever time we decide to spend with grandparents.

but honestly this is a lot of time. How old are your kids? When do they see their friends, play sports, go to birthday parties and spend time in their own house?

I think that also adds again another layer that op is then going home for these visits.

It is sharing and showing her culture to her child and being able to visit other family members who also still live there.

A full day once a month isn't unreasonable on it's own, but it does seem harsh if they never get an overnight stay (e.g.: an actual full day in your company from morning to evening, including adult conversation with their child after the kids are in bed). It might feel fair to split the grandparent time for the divorced couple in half so they get half each, but it isn't going to feel that way to the person who sees their 'opposite number' getting a much better opportunity to create a deep relationship.

And they are definitely losing out to grandparents 3 - do you do such a lot of time with them for language immersion? As otherwise they are definitely getting more than most grandparents get without being involved in weekly childcare!