AIBU to think our current grandparent visits are fair?

[Pinkmondays]

Trying to keep this as short as possible, is the following - in your opinion - adequate time with family (we have 3 sets of grandparents). There's me, DH and our son.

-Grandparents 1- live 5 mins drive away..we see them on average every other week, sometimes more.
-Grandparents 2: live an hour's drive away, we see them once a month for a full Sunday usually

• Grandparents 3: live a 2 hour flight away. We see them at least every 2-3 months for a week, and the whole summer holidays plus every Christmas.

Is this fair? I'm asking because grandparents 2 make noises about not seeing us enough!

If I was in your DHs shoes I would be very unhappy with this arrangement and would insist on at least doing alternate Christmases and some longer stays with MIL (plus do you ever even have any family holidays without your parents there? Sounds like all your annual
leave goes on visiting them?) but if he is ok with it then it’s on him, not really your problem. I can definitely see why his mum isn’t happy though, once a month for a day is nothing like getting to spend weeks at a time with your grandkids.

I assume OP that you’ll be fine when your DS is grown, and has a family, to be cut out of large parts of his life because he prioritises your DIL’s family every summer and Christmas?

And you’ll be okay with your DIL rolling her eyes and saying “how did you guess it was MIL kicking up a fuss”?

(Answer - because mothers of sons tend to be dropped in favour of the daughter’s parents and tend to put more effort than FILs into building relationships with their grandchildren).

You won’t be so hypocritical as to expect to be treated fairly I’m sure.

V good point.

But it would be on DS to put effort into the relationship and if he doesn't, it's more likely influenced because he's seen that his dad doesn't put effort into his own relationship with his parents. That's nothing to do with op.

Yeah I thought the same.

@Pinkmondays are you going to teach your DC that they are responsible for organising presents, communication, visits to their sets of parents etc when older, otherwise history will repeat itself.

Our DS (uni age) sorts out presents for us etc, and even independently organises visits to GPs who live near to uni, so fingers crossed this won't stop once he is in a committed relationship

Sadly our situation has ended up with us having no contact with one of my parents. And not just me, my siblings are also NC with that parent.

I guess it does simplify Christmas.

Completely agree that DH should sort it. But

(i) it’s often the case that men are crap at putting the effort into maintain family relationships. Her son may very well model himself on his father and his apathetic approach to MIL. I’d suggest OP is more self aware and attempts to see things more from her perspective. It is unfair and she should acknowledge that (and the risk that she will be treated the same).

(ii) I bet OP would not like it if her DH insisted on splitting their grandparent time more fairly - it would encroach on her ability to spend five (!) week holidays and every Christmas with her parents.

(iii) I would also lay money on OP’s parents not liking it either. They’d be the ones complaining about reduced contact and I bet OP would take their side.

So it’s not quite as black and white as you suggest.

This 100%

It must be particularly hard for the other two sets of grandparents never seeing their son and grandchildren at Christmas.

However, speaking as a grandparent, I only want people to visit me because they have a desire to, not because I’m putting pressure on them. I would be incredibly sad if my children didn’t alternate Christmas visits with the other grandparents, but if that’s what they and their partners wanted to do, I would say nothing and make the best of the time I did have with them.

if I allowed myself to become resentful I know it would make me very unhappy. The truth is, you’re spending time where you clearly both want to be and where you’re happiest. The other grandparents obviously know this.

We can't see any of the grandparents (four sets) on birthdays or Christmas. Otherwise we receive silent treatment and or nasty messages. It's very stressful.

If you had a crisis say your partner or you ended up in hospital, would your family come flying over to help? or would you then expect the in-laws to step in? You come across as quite selfish, you miss your parents so you stop your child having any contact with his friends for any if the holidays. I think you need to rethink for future years. There will come a time that your child will resent having to go away every holiday to suit you.

What does your DH want, OP? does he want to see his parents more?

His parents should be complaining to him, not you.

I think you are been very unfair on both GP1&2., especially at Christmas.

Like most, I don't think things need to be "equal", but clearly you are being quite disproportionate in the time you are spending with your Grandparents over both the other two sets combined. Plus what ends to be seen as special family time, ie Christmas. Plus, presumably all times you could spend away from home are taken up like this ?
I would be arguing strongly against this arrangement if my spuse deemed we were always going to spend Christmas with his family and never with mine / doing our traditions. I would also not be happy about never being aboue to spend a few days of the holiday in the Summer with my side of the family.

Very unfair in GP2, I feel sorry for them. I bet you'd be sad in their shoes. Can't you spend a bit more time at home in the holidays so you can see them a bit more during those weeks.

Well I think you spend far too much time with all of them 😅
It's not just about grandparents for you and set 3 though is it. You moved away from your home country to live in DHs you want to visit your parents and I imagine the rest of your family, and friends, and places you grew up in and have a holiday. There's a lot mixed into one visit.

Honestly. If someone is whining they don't spend enough time with you but refusing to make any effort to see you then it's really irrelevant isn't it. If they cared, they'd visit.

I think never seeing an excited grandchild at Christmas or with a bucket and spade is pretty mean TBH. And a bit weird that your son never gets to spend any holidays in his own house. Is he very young?

So the Gps furthest away get more of your time and the closest one's get a few meagre scraps?

How many of your ‘special’ occasions are spent with your MIL compared to your mum? Christmas, birthdays, Mother’s Day etc…

Yes it is unfair. I get you miss your family, but your MIL is also missing out and you DH excuse is pathetic, especially as it doesn’t sound like your FIL would be that fussed.

Do your family never come over to visit you?

If you did want to balance it out a bit you could do 3 weeks of the summer holidays with your family then other the other weeks invite each set of gp out for a couple of days out. You may naturally end up doing to do that at some point as your DS as he grows if he wants to spend some of the holidays with friends at home or doing his hobbies?

we do similar in that my in-laws are close enough for a day trip so we see them every month for a day. My parents are a good 3 hour drive away so I tend to go for 5 days every 3/4 months. Once our DC are at school I’ll need to start timing that with school holidays and also balancing it with sports clubs and friends which I’m sure will be more tricky!

They are comparing to the other sets, but they see a lot more than many grandparents do, I don't think you've got much to worry about, maybe your husband does.

@Pinkmondays - "... (we have 3 sets of grandparents). There's me, DH and our son..."

I'm a bit confused. Unless some of them have died, shouldn't the three of you have 6 "sets" of grandparents between you? (2 "sets" each?)

@Pinkmondays what does your DH think?

My DH has a low contact relationship with his mother, that’s his choice. I actually remind and cajole him into seeing her more than he naturally would.

I have a decent functional relationship with my mum so I see her more. My brother also sees my mum a lot.

FWIW we never spend Christmas with DHs family. They clear off to MILs home country knowing DH can’t take time off work or work remotely. We said we would like to spend Christmas with them but they said they would rather be in that country than see us.

what is the ideal for GP2? You do spend a lot of time with GP3 I can see why it feels unfair

"But it would be on DS to put effort into the relationship and if he doesn't, it's more likely influenced because he's seen that his dad doesn't put effort into his own relationship with his parents. That's nothing to do with op."

It might not be the OPs fault, but that's hardly going to make her feel better if she does end up feeling left out once she's a gp! It's not like it's only her dh who won't be seeing any gc often, it would be her, too!

It could be better in this situation to resist the temptation to let the relationship with ILs be seen as less important (even though it's not her job to facilitate and anyway she's not all that bothered about seeing people who aren't her own family), but rather to invest a bit of effort in bringing up her own ds with an expectation that the natural thing to do is to see both sides of the family, not just the woman's.

It might take bit more effort in the short term and be irritating because her dh should drive the process, really, and not need reminding, but it could pay off for her in the long run.