AIBU to think our current grandparent visits are fair?

[Pinkmondays]

Trying to keep this as short as possible, is the following - in your opinion - adequate time with family (we have 3 sets of grandparents). There's me, DH and our son.

-Grandparents 1- live 5 mins drive away..we see them on average every other week, sometimes more.
-Grandparents 2: live an hour's drive away, we see them once a month for a full Sunday usually

• Grandparents 3: live a 2 hour flight away. We see them at least every 2-3 months for a week, and the whole summer holidays plus every Christmas.

Is this fair? I'm asking because grandparents 2 make noises about not seeing us enough!

The person complaining isn't the OP's mother in law, though, is it? It's OP's stepmother.
If the stepmother and/or father-in-law would also criticise the husband's choice of which of his parents to spend Christmas with, it's easy to imagine why he can't win and prefers to avoid the decision entirely.

It’s her mil and the step dad. Complaining.

Fil and stepmom get more visits.

I also live in my husbands country although we do see my in laws a lot more than my family I think a lot of people are underestimating thay there's a cultural aspect as well to going to your home country. Your child is missing out on a large part of their cultural identity and the visits will be providing that as well as visiting family.

Also do you not see old friends or other relatives while there?

They can travel to you maybe ? Put some effort

It seems you see them more than any of your inlaws

Obviously it's pretty spectacularly unfair to always spent Christmas with your side of the family. I'm not surprised they are upset.

It's up to you, obviously, but I don't see how you can claim the arrangement is fair.

I’m a Grandparent and I think if you want to see your grandchildren more, you shld visit them, but stay in nearby accommodation, as long as yr children are happy with that. I think grandparents should try and make themselves useful to busy young families, ask parents what they can help,with? Playing with grandchildren to give them a break, babysitting, helping with household chores/jobs etc Grandparents - it’s not a competition as to who spends most time with them, just make sure it’s quality time.

Gosh, is this some kind of competition between the GPs? Life is too short to be stressed out by this. Do what works for you, your husband and your children.

Grandparents 3 live a 2 hour flight away but you seem to manage to see them quite alot but an 1hr drive is too much ? This is quite obviously because they aren't your gp's. Nothing stopping your dh going without you though !

Of course you would think its fair because its YOUR parents 🙄 you could alternate Christmas so each gp gets to spend Christmas day with the children . I'm quite baffled how you can't see this arrangement is HEAVILY favoured towards your parents

@LadySinfiaSnoop You obviously don’t live in London. How much would that cost to visit for a week? There’s a huge assumption there that the grandparents have money yet the ones abroad don’t have to spend 1p!!!

Yes, that aspect of it is being completely ignored by a lot of the posters critical of OPs arrangement.

Can grandparents 2 use the train or maybe coach to travel to you and maybe an occasional overnight stay? We live 3-4 hours away from our daughter and her family but go to stay for the weekend about 3 or 4 times a year, they come to us about the same (maybe slightly less as getting children & dogs packed and organised is more difficult than just 2 adults)
It does seem like Grandparents 3 get a lot of quality time with you as it's easier to do 'memory building' experiences if you not just there for an hour or two but visits shouldn't just be a one way system, presuming grandparents are physically able to travel they can come to see you.

I think that your DH parents should be treated the same as your own parents. They may not say anything to your face, but behind the scenes I am sure that they will be unhappy. I can say this with confidence, as this scenario is happening to us. I wish our DIL was more considerate at times!

Do you always go to your parents house when you see them? Or do they come to you as well? So over Christmas are you always abroad?

you are not in a custody battle with the grandparents, it’s not about being equal, because each set of grandparents has their own unique set of circumstances and relationships with you and your DH. Fair doesn’t mean equal.

Depending on the age of the grandparents you can roughly guess how many years left you have with them, work out how many times that will mean you will see them and have a good think if you feel it’s adequate or would you feel guilty? If former then change nothing, if latter then up the visits. Because no time with anyone is guaranteed, so make sure you spend what time you do have approximately without regrets.

With regards to this sort of post I always think, how often do you hope your family visit when you are the grandparents.

Surely the answer to that is, I hope I’m the type of parent and grandparent where my children and grandchildren want to visit me often. Where they can call for babysitting and drop in for a a random Thursday night pizza take away or something.

I don’t want to be a duty or obligation visit. Not an its the 2nd Sunday best visit Joan again 😩🙄. Mil had Christmas last year so this year mum… when we will ever get one at home 🙁

I also want them to live their life and not have to feel, well we saw mil twice last week so best see mum twice as well leaving no time for themselves.