AIBU to think our current grandparent visits are fair?

[Pinkmondays]

Trying to keep this as short as possible, is the following - in your opinion - adequate time with family (we have 3 sets of grandparents). There's me, DH and our son.

-Grandparents 1- live 5 mins drive away..we see them on average every other week, sometimes more.
-Grandparents 2: live an hour's drive away, we see them once a month for a full Sunday usually

• Grandparents 3: live a 2 hour flight away. We see them at least every 2-3 months for a week, and the whole summer holidays plus every Christmas.

Is this fair? I'm asking because grandparents 2 make noises about not seeing us enough!

But he can’t really do that at Christmas or in the summer as they aren’t in the country.
Sounds to me like there isn’t much time left for extended periods with other family members
perhaps cutting back the 11 weeks would be beneficial
but OPs not coming back so 😏

How old are your kids?
if u don’t mind me saying but. Grandparents 2 are keen to provide a more active role which in turn may also help you in future from a childcare prospect.

I think you are doing everything you can. Try not to do it in response to feeling guilty though.

I moved a 3 hour flight away. Was only for 3 years but I stayed. We actually had most Christmases with in laws. Children wanted to be with their cousins and friends. We did do pre Christmas weekends in early Dec with decorations and crackers. It does work. As I said in another post, it depends on the effort everyone puts in. Even my very elderly parents have made sure they have kept up with technology.

At the end of the day you cannot please everyone. Don’t try to.

Grandparents 1 get the least time even though they live closest

Your parents get the most time even though they live furthest.

So grandparents 2 are doing better than one set and worse than the other.

Of course that doesn’t consider whether it’s preferable to have more frequent visits with less time or more infrequent visits with more time.

Bottom line… as G2
want to spend more time more often.. then if you have the time and inclination to increase visits, do that.

(or send one set my way. My kids have no grandparents at all)

It sounds like you have put a lot of thought into all this.

I'm just wondering how much of this is due to GP 2 ageing. A lot of 70 year olds are still pretty active, but many get "old" in late 70s / early 80s, and start needing relatives to drop in.

There is no such thing as "fair" as the allocation of your time and attention are entirely up to you. This is what works for you, so that's that.

OP, no it is not a fair split but who says there has to be a calculated fair split. It does seem like a huge amount of time you are spending with your parents. As your child gets older they will probably want to spend a part of the school holidays at their own home so they can spend time with their friends.

I’ve only read the OP’s posts, so might have missed something, but she spends about 77 days a year with her family and about 12 with set 2.

Obviously she can do what she likes, but I’m not surprised set 2 are peed off. Shame the dad doesn’t make more of an effort for his parents.

Easter is not the same as Christmas, I do think you should allow your inlaws to spend the occasional Christmas with your children. I prefer being with my family at Christmas but I recognise that it is not fair to do that every year and I love my inlaws and wouldn't be so unkind as to exclude them from Christmases when the children are small.

Do you or your husband have any siblings?

And just to add, I do think once a month is plenty when they live so far away! I actually think it's too much with a busy family life.

I do think it would be nice to do a holiday and a Christmas with them.

I would take advantage of the ability to go away to see your parents so often now - in a few years if your DC have activities (you've already mentioned cricket) it will get harder to get away as much.
The fact that your DH's parent's are separated is an additional factor as if you were to make it 'even' you would be spending twice as much time with his side of the family. Trekking up and down a motorway frequently isn't going to be much fun and is time-consuming.

The amount of obligation to please all these people, I’m glad we live thousands of miles away.

The next half term is February though. That’s perfectly acceptable considering they live in a different country. Honestly you’re thinking too much about your parents & not enough about your husband or children. I can’t believe you’re wasting all your holidays on visiting them. You have your own family now and need to centre them especially as they get older. GPs are secondary & you should divide their visits as sparingly and fairly as possible without affecting your life.

As I see it its nothingb io fo with being fsir Different people hence different relationships . You do whst you can.

I really feel for those who have divorced / separated parents who are trying to make things "fair". I remember one poor soul on here (years ago) who described how she and her husband had to hit four random spots on a map within 48 hours over Christmas or there was huge drama.

All depends how much you enjoy seeing them!
For us:
Grandparents 1 (45 mins away) - 1/2 times a week (they provide childcare one day a week and then we usually do a fun thing too)
Grandparents 2 (10 mins away) - once a week, every Sunday for lunch. Although we saw them four days last week due to various different family events.
I like seeing both sets though and it’s split with us going to them/ them coming to us!

@Julimia OP says she gets on with the in-laws so it’s not like she doesn’t like them. Schools our way sometimes break up just before Christmas so those years it might be nice to do Christmas with local GPs then fly over to her parents

You don’t have to be equal woth the days! If you get on better with one and the others are arses then don’t see them

I think you are very selfish. You put all that effort into seeing your parents ;flights to book; parking at whatever airport ; packing all the luggage; paying small fortune. And Im betting its a nice holiday in the sun!
Then when you want help on inset day you drag GP 2 who you cant be bothered to visit more than once a month for few hours to look after your kid. Disgusting. Your using them, but your using your parents too!

All sounds reasonable to me. Perhaps you see grandparents 3 a little excessively given the distance!

You do see your parents most of the year compared to his - even combining his

GP3 are obviously the favourites - which is fine. It doesn’t need to be equal. Overall you spend most weekends with one set or the other.

However summer and Christmas never seeing GP1/2 - can see why they feel they’re missing out honestly.

Also as little one gets older you’ll need to get comfortable with the fact they’ll want to stay home and not travel to see GP3 as much.

Op said she's done with this thread but I'd be interested to know who MIL communicated her criticism of how much time she gets too. Because to demand more of your DIL when shes already doing far more of the mental load on this than your own son is just rude and a bit stupid.

You mentioned, you have a little boy. Put yourself in your MIL's shoes. If you can see yourself in the future, being totally happy with your son, spending every Christmas and every summer with his wife's family. So that you never get to spend that time with your son or your grandchildren, then fair enough. If you would want to spend that time with him, then you have to admit that you are allowing your personal preference to inform your decision making now. Which, you are 100% allowed to do. It's your family. The question was whether it was objectively fair, it isn't. But, that doesnt make it unreasonable, its just makes it the set you have chosen.

I think you should take turns re Christmas and other special holidays. The rest seems fine.