AIBU to feel disappointed my husband invited friends on our “trip of a lifetime”?

[SleepySquirre1]

Recently paid the deposit for what feels like a once-in-a-lifetime family holiday to Kenya for a safari. Our two kids are absolutely animal obsessed and honestly so am I, so this has been a dream of ours for years.

It’s going to involve a LOT of saving, sacrifices and cutbacks over the next year or two. I’m the main breadwinner and I know I’ll be working incredibly hard to make it happen, so in my head this trip became this really special “core family memories” holiday for the four of us.

Last night my husband announced the “good news” that he’d invited his best friend, her husband and their children to come too, and they’re apparently joining us. Their children are slightly younger than ours but they all get on really well. For context, I genuinely really like them, they are good fun and we’ve had lovely shorter breaks together before.

I think part of what has upset me is that there was absolutely no discussion with me beforehand. It was presented as a done deal rather than something we decided together, which has made me feel a bit blindsided if I’m honest.

But instead of feeling excited, I just felt… flat. Sad, almost. I think because in my mind this was meant to be something really special for our little family. I love spending time with just my husband and with my husband and kids, whereas he’s much more of a “the more the merrier” type person.

And now I feel awful even admitting this, but some of the excitement has gone out of it for me to the point where part of me almost wouldn’t mind if the holiday didn’t happen at all. Which sounds dramatic considering it’s going to be such an amazing trip.

I know we’ll still have a lovely time and I know I sound ungrateful. But part of me feels disappointed that these big memories the kids look back on won’t just be ours.

AIBU to feel upset by this? Or am I being unfair because he just sees holidays differently to me?

Honestly I’d try and get the deposit back if you’ve just booked it, he is out of order and I’d be fuming. I’d be asking him why the thought of spending the whole holiday with “just” his family is so unappealing that he had to invite other people.

@SleepySquirre1 What about the damage he’s doing to your relationship and marriage? Doesn’t that matter? Sounds like he’s far too close to his “friend”.

Did he notice your shocked/not pleased/not excited reaction?
I'm betting he's one of those bulldozer types who just does what he wants and shuts out the idea of anyone else having thoughts and feelings.

The not talking it through with you first is the worst thing. He's happy for you to pay but acts like it's "his" holiday and you are lucky to be tagging along.

Plus it changes the whole dynamic from a special carefully researched and saved for family experience of a lifetime to something else.
A week at a beach villa or camping when kids would benefit from friends to keep them amused and busy, great idea to go with another family. Safari ... No ... They will have plenty to keep them occupied.

I would be telling him in no uncertain terms to uninvite them or you will change the booking dates or go without him.

I would be furious. And if he can unilaterally invite, then you can unilaterally uninvite.

Arrange a very pleasant, friendly coffee with this ‘best friend’ and explain the situation. That you really don’t want to offend and your husband has put you in this awkward position by inviting them without any discussion with you. Explain that you have planned this as a family holiday and while you love their company and would like to holiday with them in future, this trip is a family trip. Apologise again that your husband misled them.

I absolutely don’t think you are wrong at all OP, I would be devastated in your shoes, however just wondering if in all the excitement of telling his friend, your husband got carried away and said oh you should come, rather than it being a deliberate plan behind your back.

I am quite impulsive and have done things like that before. Never on something as big as a special safari but I can see how it might have happened without being some big devious plan.

Fair enough, and I’m glad you know now YANBU; but how earth can you even have a conversation like the initial ‘good news, friends are joining us’ one without expressing a single negative emotion, in your face or tone or words?

How are you that good at acting?

Or are you invisible to him?

You can be politely distant to others that you don’t know.
In this case you’re automatically a group of 8.
if it’s cancellable I’d do so, fix for a year later and read him the riot act.

You’re making a lot of excuses for him OP. I’m betting that’s the usual way of things in your relationship.

OP- your last post again is just you being rather placid, backing down and putting their feelings before your own. I don't think this sounds like an amazing friendship tbh- had I been asked to this, I would have 100% reached out to you separately to discuss/make sure you were happy and check you were aware of it/ok/agreed, not just say to him "yep we will come" on such a huge trip as if it was a done deal. It does all sound a bit weird just how close he is to her and vice versa and is insulting to you and your kids. Please don't back down. Stand up for yourself and what should be a family trip of a lifetime. Ask him to discuss with her and explain how this is something in so many ways you have planned/dreamt of for you and your family but would like to plan something in the future with them. If they were any sort of friends (or just normal people tbh!) they wouldn't fall out with you over this, they should totally get it. Stand firm (for once) please.

I have lots of friends and relatives that I love, but only a small number would I ever want to travel with. And that’s without two lots of children! Especially long distance, to a different culture and for a longer period than the short breaks you’ve done together before.

Also, a safari in a developing country is likely to be challenging in many ways. Potentially very rewarding, but harder work than the children may be used to.

And even with the best travel companions in the world, the more people in a group, the more complications will arise, it’s inevitable.

I’m surprised the friend didn’t check you were happy with her family being invited. It needs to be discussed at length, finding out everyone’s viewpoints. People react very differently towards delays and unexpected problems, for example.

You need to get this sorted before spending a fortune on something that may disappoint you.

Best of luck.

HE doesn’t want to damage hIS friendship you mean?

Or are you also genuine friends with this couple yourself? If so, then you should be able to explain to them that he has put you in the uncomfortable position of uninviting them. Literally everyone on this thread can see that what he did was wrong, and we all recognise the difference between a group holiday and a family holiday. If they are such good friends, they will understand what’s happened here and withdraw graciously.

I love spending time with just my husband and with my husband and kids.

He doesn't feel the same way.

If he keeps inviting his friend and family to your family things that means he wants a buffer in-between you all. A metaphorical pillow in the middle of the bed. It's nothing to do with him being more social It's to do with him not wanting to be with you/family in intimate settings.

I would change my plans OP. Don't swallow your feelings of sadness when someone has deliberately stomped on your joy. And it was deliberate.

THIS!! Wonder what her husband thinks of it all?

I would be annoyed as well, big time! And I am someone who's OH goes to gigs with my Best friend - the difference being that its discussed etc.
He would never ever consider just randomly inviting any friend of ours to something that we as a family were planning.

Mmmmm - I would insist something changes. Friends don’t trump family, or your wife. I find it amazing that he has said to a female friend ‘we’re going on Safari in Easter hols 2028, it’ll be £12,000, you in? And she’s just gone ‘yeah’.

I would chat more at length about this. If I was her, I would want to clear it with you. What with you guys having already booked it and her and your husband being besties. Not every woman would jump at the chance of a major holiday being hijacked by her husband’s female best mate.

how old are their kids. We did a safari years ago in Kenya and most will only take children over 12 years old. Hopefully your friends kids are too young! Pretty inconsiderate of your husband. I would feel annoyed too.

YANBU this would P me off massively! Inviting other people changes the dynamic of the trip and he didn’t even ask your opinion before hand. If he wants to still go I’d make him pay for it as why should you?! Sorry he has done this and took the shine off it for you x

Op you are taking a mature and balanced approach and ‘ thinking of others ‘ - in fact you come across as a decent human being. I sincerely hope that he is apologetic and that he deserves you

I agree that if I were the husband of the friend I’d be wondering why she had committed us to an expensive holiday with HER friend and his family without us having discussed it and without his wife and Zi being part of the discussion. They live in a little world of two.

You realise though that him assuming he can take such decisions on his own, wo talking to you, has damaged your marriage?
That it's likely to be yet another occasion where his wants are coming first agd you feel you can’t say NO.
That you feel you can’t say anything now because it would damage his friendship.

Basically you’re the nice little woman who always accepts whatever he decides and has no decision power in the marriage (I’m aware I’m harsh there).

You need a hell of a lot of discussion there with him on your relationship and how he treats you.
And still some huge discussions about the trip itself. Because now it’s not your trip, it’s a trip with them. Which will likely involve negotiating what activity to do, etc…. (Even when it’s a trip that’s all organised, there will be adds on etc….)

Sorry she looks like she is a carpet. Always thinking about others and letting her dh walk all over herself.
Thats not a quality.

A mature approach isn’t accepting everything and HOPING her dh is apologetic.
Because he won’t. Why would he be when he saw no issue taking such a big decision wo talking to her???

Your husband doesn’t want to spend time on holiday - that YOU are paying for! - with YOU on his own. If his “friend” are such good friends then they would quite understand he got carried away inviting them when he tells them sorry I didn’t realise it was family only holiday and we can do something another time together as a group. Real friends you can talk to and explain these things!! Friends who your husband is basically having his cake and eating it and having the emotional connection with another woman in front of his wife! That’s not healthy or friendship! Ask yourself WHY you’re so worried about saying what you actually think and want?!?! Is it because your husband will take the side of his “friend”???? If you said it’s her or me do you know that he’d choose her? This is the Crux of the problem

I've only read OP's updates so apologies if I'm repeating anyone else, but didn't the other couple ask if he'd checked with you first?

This is appalling op. You don't invite other people on a holiday without discussing it.

Tell him to say he made a mistake, or pay for it himself. What a prat.

It all sounds very odd.
You are too innocent or too easy going OP.
Whatever the nature of his relationship with this woman or whatever arrangements they had already made when you thought the safari was your idea
You are the underdog.
Not good.
Just.
Say.
No.

I would be livid about this - totally changes the dynamic.

Having done safaris the other concern I’d have if their children were younger and possibly less interested than yours is that you will end up sharing a vehicle and lose game drive time. Safari is long days and young kids can easily get bored - in this context the difference between 7 and 9 and animal mad is significant - but if they are restless / noisy they will scare the animals off - or you will all have to cut drives short.

if they do go to same same place maybe setting some parameters like not doing drives together would be wise.