AIBU to feel disappointed my husband invited friends on our “trip of a lifetime”?

[SleepySquirre1]

Recently paid the deposit for what feels like a once-in-a-lifetime family holiday to Kenya for a safari. Our two kids are absolutely animal obsessed and honestly so am I, so this has been a dream of ours for years.

It’s going to involve a LOT of saving, sacrifices and cutbacks over the next year or two. I’m the main breadwinner and I know I’ll be working incredibly hard to make it happen, so in my head this trip became this really special “core family memories” holiday for the four of us.

Last night my husband announced the “good news” that he’d invited his best friend, her husband and their children to come too, and they’re apparently joining us. Their children are slightly younger than ours but they all get on really well. For context, I genuinely really like them, they are good fun and we’ve had lovely shorter breaks together before.

I think part of what has upset me is that there was absolutely no discussion with me beforehand. It was presented as a done deal rather than something we decided together, which has made me feel a bit blindsided if I’m honest.

But instead of feeling excited, I just felt… flat. Sad, almost. I think because in my mind this was meant to be something really special for our little family. I love spending time with just my husband and with my husband and kids, whereas he’s much more of a “the more the merrier” type person.

And now I feel awful even admitting this, but some of the excitement has gone out of it for me to the point where part of me almost wouldn’t mind if the holiday didn’t happen at all. Which sounds dramatic considering it’s going to be such an amazing trip.

I know we’ll still have a lovely time and I know I sound ungrateful. But part of me feels disappointed that these big memories the kids look back on won’t just be ours.

AIBU to feel upset by this? Or am I being unfair because he just sees holidays differently to me?

I think something’s going on between your DP and his “friend”.

I agree this is very possibly the case. BTW I think it is fine for married people to have opposite sex friends - but only if they very clearly prioritise their spouse and marriage, and the OP's 'D'H is not doing that.

This doesn't sound like a situation where he spontaneously invited them in good faith without thinking it through, in a fit of 'more the merrier'; it sounds calculated. Nobody agrees to participate in a holiday like this involving their family & costing tens of thousands without carefully thinking it through; your 'D'H and his bosom buddy must have had lengthy discussions about it that you weren't privy to, before he got around to telling you. Presenting it as a fait accompli to railroad you into accepting it despite evidently guessing that you would not be, and knowing you are not, happy.

It is really up to you whether you are willing to accept being so blatantly disrespected. I am really sorry though that you have been put in this position by your 'D'H.

You’ve paid the deposit and if he wants friends along then you need to save your money for the once in a lifetime trip you had planned.

He can pay the rest for this holiday if he thinks he has the autonomy to alter it at will

If he can’t afford it then it’s going to have to be cancelled and he needs to pay the deposit back to you.

Maybe he can find an evening job to pay his debt.

Have the friends booked already? If not, get him to tell them there’s been a mistake. It’s a family only trip.

I am going to talk it through with him properly so that at least he understands why I’ve felt hurt and blindsided by it all. I think that’s important, even if nothing ultimately changes.

So did you have that talk @SleepySquirre1 and, if so, what did he say?

Realistically, I doubt he would uninvite them even if I asked

Even if you said you were no longer prepared to foot the bill?

So did you have that talk and, if so, what did he say?

i really hope the extra guests have been uninvited (but i suspect this might not have happened)

Sadly, so do I.

I noted this remark:

I really hate conflict and arguing, and if the overwhelming opinion had been that I was overreacting, I probably would have tried to adjust my thinking and see it from his perspective instead. That approach has honestly helped me let things go in the past.

I wonder how many times in the past the OP has "adjusted her thinking" to "see it from his perspective" so that she can "let things go."

I bet he never has though.