AIBU to feel disappointed my husband invited friends on our “trip of a lifetime”?

[SleepySquirre1]

Recently paid the deposit for what feels like a once-in-a-lifetime family holiday to Kenya for a safari. Our two kids are absolutely animal obsessed and honestly so am I, so this has been a dream of ours for years.

It’s going to involve a LOT of saving, sacrifices and cutbacks over the next year or two. I’m the main breadwinner and I know I’ll be working incredibly hard to make it happen, so in my head this trip became this really special “core family memories” holiday for the four of us.

Last night my husband announced the “good news” that he’d invited his best friend, her husband and their children to come too, and they’re apparently joining us. Their children are slightly younger than ours but they all get on really well. For context, I genuinely really like them, they are good fun and we’ve had lovely shorter breaks together before.

I think part of what has upset me is that there was absolutely no discussion with me beforehand. It was presented as a done deal rather than something we decided together, which has made me feel a bit blindsided if I’m honest.

But instead of feeling excited, I just felt… flat. Sad, almost. I think because in my mind this was meant to be something really special for our little family. I love spending time with just my husband and with my husband and kids, whereas he’s much more of a “the more the merrier” type person.

And now I feel awful even admitting this, but some of the excitement has gone out of it for me to the point where part of me almost wouldn’t mind if the holiday didn’t happen at all. Which sounds dramatic considering it’s going to be such an amazing trip.

I know we’ll still have a lovely time and I know I sound ungrateful. But part of me feels disappointed that these big memories the kids look back on won’t just be ours.

AIBU to feel upset by this? Or am I being unfair because he just sees holidays differently to me?

This. Being completely selfish about your needs/family needs is one of the best things about being on holiday.

@SleepySquirre1 I’d be raging about this too, YANBU

As per last PP, right? Surely the friend and her husband have their own dream family holiday they want to save for at this kind of ££?

I am delighted for my friend when she goes to see volcanos exploding in Iceland once a year, but fucked if I would jump in to take up a casual invite that means I can't then separately dream of taking my kids for three weeks in Sri Lanka.

Op he can argue that until he’s blue in the face. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that he made a unilateral decision about a very special, very expensive family occasion without having the decency of speaking with you about. It’s a shitty thing to do to your wife regardless of whether he thinks the kids will like it. The holiday isn’t just about the kids. It’s about you too, and your family spending time together so the decisions should be made together and everyone should be on board with the plan.

From your updates, he is doing what he wants and relying on you not wanting conflict rather than treating you as an equal because he knows it works.

It’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission, but easier still to not bother asking for forgiveness at all because you know the other person won’t say anything after the fact. It really is a win-win for him. He gets his own way and doesn’t have to bother navigating the discussion with you. Please don’t let him bulldoze you.

If the other couple would let the friendship be affected by “sorry guys, I was a bit excitable and hadn’t even broached the topic with the rest of the family before inviting you or thought about the logistics for a trip like this. We’ve talked it through and would like to keep it just us for this one” then they aren’t as close friends as you think. We’ve been the other couple in this scenario. We didn’t even blink and booked something else instead. It isn’t a big deal unless they make it one.

He’s more concerned about upsetting her than upsetting you?

I am not sure if you are a doormat or a martyr but this situation is really sad.

OP - you say, even if nothing changes, maybe he'll at least acknowledge my thoughts.

That's not good enough!
You don't have to be a doormat!

If you don't want a whole extra family tagging along on YOUR trip of a lifetime that you are planning and paying for - they don't come!

F your husband.

Does he always make bug decisions without asking you?

Or was it just this one, because he knew you'd say no, and knew it would be very hard to undo it.

Id cancel the whole trip. Tell them the figures don't add up.

Id be fucked if I was going to flog myself for 2 years to have the dream holiday when he's invited his crush along.

I'm mostly confused by how your husband felt comfortable casually inviting a best friend to a very expensive and one-in-a-lifetime holiday that is planned for the future. You wouldn't ask this if you weren't sure the answer would be yes. Strange behaviour, and I think you need to have a frank conversation with him about why he chose to exclude you from a conversation like this.

I'd tell him to uninvite them. He can say he didn't think it through properly.

MIL invited a friend of hers to our wedding without checking as she assumed it would be fine. We told her to withdraw the invite as we didn't have room. They stayed friends

Why are you the main breadwinner.?
What does he do..
What is the set up.
I feel there's more to this than the presented issue.

This isn’t just a holiday is it though, it’s a big family decision and a major financial commitment. That your DH chose to change and involve others in without consulting or considering you at all.

He can figure out how to undo the invitation. And maybe start his own savings plan for another holiday with you and his friends and all the kids so he doesn’t let them all down too.

Just think of all the energy you are going to have to expend between now and then pretending to be 'delighted' to these friends. And 'not minding' the financial sacrifices you are going to be making, to make everyone else happy but yourself. All the drain on your energy overcoming that pang of disappointment everytime you think about the holiday between now and then. That is what you are prepared to damage yourself with because he did this and neither of you feel you can explain to the friends, an error has been made becasue you are protecting their (assumed) feelings too.
I hope you do not make light of what he has done to you when you bring it up.

He had no right to make a decision about a family holiday without your input.

I think you're being incredibly passive, to be honest. I'd be absolutely kicking off over a shared holiday when you've put so much effort into planning it.

I'd also be very hurt that the thought of spending time together is so unappealing to him.

No way would I be working my arse off to pay for this now!

My ex always had to get his own way, refused to discuss anything with me by zoning out and doing exactly as he pleased whilst making me feel crazy. Any holidays we had we had to go where he wanted to go and our children and I had no voice, our needs, wishes were dismissed and would be twisted to make us feel we were selfish.
The big company I worked for was running a scheme where money was taken out of your account monthly for three years. At the end of the three years you could take out the money that had been put aside or buy and sell the shares in company (they would be guaranteed the amount they were on the day you signed up if they lost value or the price they rose to) I told our children we would in three years go on a holiday of their choosing and they chose Disneyworld.
Ex tried to wear me down insisting we spend the money on his dream holiday, I pointed out he had always vetoed our choice numerous times before. He got his family and friends to make out I was being very selfish. He then said he wouldn’t go so I shrugged and agreed it wasn’t his sort off holiday, he then insisted he would need a new surf board as there were good waves near where we would be staying and I’d have to pay not only for a new board but the cost of extra baggage allowance. I told him he’d have to pay for that!
We had a wonderful holiday, WE all enjoyed it and agreed it was fantastic! On the way home I turned to him and said we should save up next time and go to the destination of his choosing and to take it in turns to have a choice. He agreed on saving up for his choice but told me every holiday would be of his choosing.
That’s when I gave up on our relationship and realised how one sided it was, he wasn’t capable of compromise and had always put himself first.

This. I can't believe how calm you're being @SleepySquirre1. I'd be fuming. Not that dh would dream of this. Outrageous!

Are you serious OP?😤

I immediately thought the best friend was a male & even then I'd be furious. When I read you were talking about another woman my expression changed to wide eyed open mouth. I'm usually one to suggest not rocking the boat & looking for amicable solutions. The only solution I suggest in this situation is to tell your DH unless you go alone as a family on this special adventure you are cancelling the whole idea. If this interferes with the 'friendship' then this family are not true friends. I would understand perfectly if my DH did this (he wouldn't) and then explained to the friends my wife is happy for us to holiday together but not on this particular occasion. In fact I'd be so angry I'd politely & calmly tell them myself. If he can't find joy in spending this particular holiday with you & your children without having this other woman & her family tag along I'd seriously question why.

I’d tell him that the onus is on him to make it happen. Don’t work harder than usual and let him make up the shortfall. He has changed the holiday without discussion to something you will not enjoy as much so why should you make it happen in the same way?

To play devils advocate slightly- and let’s be clear I’m not saying I agree with what he’s done- if you’ve been on holiday with this family before and enjoyed he probably just thought the same would apply here and you’d be happy with it. That’s probably the reason he’ll give when you ask him what on earth possessed him to do this.
It was totally out of order for him to invite them without discussing with you. To my mind a holiday with friends is planned and organised from the beginning as just that- a holiday with friends. Not friends being invited to join a holiday that’s already been planned and conceived of by you as a family.
Holidaying as multiple families together can get complicated with having to take account of others needs, preferences and routines. It has its upsides too, such as shared childcare and opportunity for alone time just you and OH if you’re prepared to return the favour. Perhaps that’s what OH was thinking. I guess it might be fun, and good company for the kids.
But if that’s not what you are up for then absolutely fine to consider pulling out or insisting that he uninvite them.
It’s not that hard, he just needs to say ‘friend, I’m sorry I totally overstepped by suggesting you come on this trip, I didn’t check with sleepysquirrel first and really we were hoping for a family holiday just us’. He better not make you out to be the bad guy though!

You are ABSOLUTELY NOT being unreasonable. Your DH making this decision unilaterally with zero consultation makes him a total arse in my book.

It doesn't matter whether you get on with this family or not, this was to have been a special family holiday and now for you (the one it seems who is making some sacrifices to foot the bill) the shine has been taken away.

Personally I'd be telling him to put this right immediately by telling the friend that there has been a big misunderstanding. If he isn't prepared to do that, if you get on with her well enough, I'd meet with the friend and explain the once in a lifetime nature of the safari and while you absolutely don't want to cause any offence and would love to continue sharing holidays at a different time, that on this occasion it will be family only.

I absolutely realise it shouldn't be you who is having to put things right but just suggested this as a way to reclaim your planned holiday. If neither he nor you feel you can talk to the other family, I'd be trying to reclaim the deposit and rebook a bit later, thinking of some excuse why it can no longer happen when you'd originally planned. If the deposit isn't refundable I'd be telling DH that the cost of that is on him alone.

I think he needs to face some sort of real world consequences for his utter lack of consideration for your feelings and if this is him facing an uncomfortable conversation with his friend, or having to pay for a lost deposit himself, then so be it.

There simply can't be any valid excuse for what he's done here. If he tries to make you feel bad for his total failure to consider your feelings, do not put up with that. Why should you be forced into a martyr role here. His apology should be grovelling as he has dicked this up badly.

This is not a 'both sides' situation and there is no world where you should feel guilt for wanting only your family on this landmark holiday. Your husband has shown appalling entitlement and contempt for you with his unilateral decision. Give him the choice, uninvite them or the holiday is cancelled. Consider it a lesson in mutual respect that your husband desperately needs.

Firstly, I do not think you should feel guilty at all. Most families that I know of, do NOT go on long-haul holidays of a lifetime with anyone else. In addition, there will be so much to see and take in that having to consider other people could be considered quite intrusive.
Secondly, If I have understood your post correctly, this holiday is planned for 2 years' time?
A great deal may change in the interim.
So, whilst perhaps setting up a dedicated holiday fund (and ensuring that you are both contributing), doing lots of research online and via travel agents about what is on offer, what vaccinations and other precautions you need to take before departure, what clothing etc. etc. (may need to be added to the holiday budget), I would certainly not be booking anything now.
As for the other family, as I said, a lot may happen in the interim, but I would echo others and do 2 things.

1. Tell your H in no uncertain terms that you do not agree with his invitation - I assume he asked if they want to go at the same time, rather than extending an invitation to the other family for an all-expenses paid safari holiday.
2. Speak to his "friend" personally, if possible, to explain, as dispassionately as you can, that this was a "spur of the moment" idea (of your Hi's) and had not been discussed, in advance, with you. I would also add that your family was looking forward to sharing the experience together and you do not think it is the right setting for a "group" holiday.

I think it was thoughtless of your husband.
You are perfectly within your rights to feel miffed.
As you know these people,its not easy to uninvite them.
Why do some husband's act like this.
My Husband can be thoughtless too! A neighbour at the door,calls me to speak to them? Invites his brother to stay,while I am work?
My husband likes company,any will do!
I would talk to your husband,maybe give it a few days to see how you feel, if you still feel the same way,husband will have to uninvite them,he started the problem so he can finish it,serves him right for not considering you!

He needs to say to his friend.

‘Hi Jen, listen about this safari business , I’ve really fucked up. Sarah wants it to be just us four, she’s always wanted to take the kids on Safari and has wanted to go on one since she was a kid. She had no idea I had asked you guys along and she saw it as a once in a lifetime family holiday. She’s not annoyed with you, just me for being ‘a more the merrier’ type of guy, I didn’t think it was a big deal, but it is. She’s still keen for us to do our usual trips and is categorically not pissed off with you. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

He needs to say this on the phone or in person, not in text. If Jen is a normal human being I imagine she’ll say ‘Oh god that’s fine’. And be slightly mortified that she was so keen to be in on another families dream holiday.

Let things go you should maybe have dealt with you mean? Of course he should have spoke to you first and he didn't and you even feel guilty?

Wow. Just wow.
So obviously there was the discussion/siuggestion to his friend, who then in turn, I presume, discussed with her husband and he agreed..unless she too is like your husband and has said we want to go.. regardless of first checking with her husband..and all the while..you were left in the dark?
That, in itself is shit.