AIBU to feel disappointed my husband invited friends on our “trip of a lifetime”?

[SleepySquirre1]

Recently paid the deposit for what feels like a once-in-a-lifetime family holiday to Kenya for a safari. Our two kids are absolutely animal obsessed and honestly so am I, so this has been a dream of ours for years.

It’s going to involve a LOT of saving, sacrifices and cutbacks over the next year or two. I’m the main breadwinner and I know I’ll be working incredibly hard to make it happen, so in my head this trip became this really special “core family memories” holiday for the four of us.

Last night my husband announced the “good news” that he’d invited his best friend, her husband and their children to come too, and they’re apparently joining us. Their children are slightly younger than ours but they all get on really well. For context, I genuinely really like them, they are good fun and we’ve had lovely shorter breaks together before.

I think part of what has upset me is that there was absolutely no discussion with me beforehand. It was presented as a done deal rather than something we decided together, which has made me feel a bit blindsided if I’m honest.

But instead of feeling excited, I just felt… flat. Sad, almost. I think because in my mind this was meant to be something really special for our little family. I love spending time with just my husband and with my husband and kids, whereas he’s much more of a “the more the merrier” type person.

And now I feel awful even admitting this, but some of the excitement has gone out of it for me to the point where part of me almost wouldn’t mind if the holiday didn’t happen at all. Which sounds dramatic considering it’s going to be such an amazing trip.

I know we’ll still have a lovely time and I know I sound ungrateful. But part of me feels disappointed that these big memories the kids look back on won’t just be ours.

AIBU to feel upset by this? Or am I being unfair because he just sees holidays differently to me?

For me- a sunny summer holiday in Europe in say a villa or hotel can be really fun to share with a family you are close to and kids/adults get on well. Even with that though, we often split some of the holiday with friends/some moving on to another place just our family. As you can have too much of a good thing! There are ALWAYS niggles of some sort, whether over money/activities/kids/adults relationships. Plus it is so important to be and bond together as a family unit. But a trip of a lifetime like this? This is an intimate, close family experience. Not some jolly jaunt to share with friends but to have wonderful experiences and create special memories just as family and really cherish this. He is 100% fully out of order and I would be asking him to let them know after discussion you have decided to just do this as family but look forwards to other experiences together. Do not back down on this as think you will regret it forever.

No way would I like this!
We did a similar big trip a couple of years ago - it was amazing and the best holiday we've ever done. I would have hated having another family with us!
Camping or short holidays - sure. Big holidays - no way!

I'd be telling him to uninvite them and asking why he didn't think to consult you first.

Aside from that, in my experience "the kids will have a better time" also tallys with "we won't have to do as much with them as they can go off and play, are less likely to squabble and we can get some peace." I know a more the merrier family who very rarely do anything just them and this is a large part of why.

I don't think it's odd having a best friend of the opposite sex however he was totally wrong to invite them without discussing it with you first and it being a joint decision. If you want it to be just you, he needs to retract that invitation pronto.

Wow. Your husband is very, very unreasonable here. I’m sorry. I would have to insist that he retract his offer. I would assume it’s too soon for them to have booked anything?

I know what you mean, but if you already know you all get on well, especially all the kids! - it may turn out very well.

When ours were all 8 - 16 sort of ages, we had some brilliant holidays with a family with who were close friends. I should add that I’d normally be wary of holidaying with other people except family - you need to know them VERY well, since people’s tastes and ideas of what’s nice or acceptable, can vary so enormously.
🤞 it all goes well.

But there is no negotiation happening with OP’s husband. So what point of view poster was seeing? It’s not okay to invite people without discussing with wife.

Totally get it. I enjoy holidays with friends but it’s a totally different vibe to just as a family .

“GotMoxy · Today 10:52
SleepySquirre1 · Today 10:38
This is a fair question. I think I posted because I genuinely wanted to know whether I was being unreasonable before bringing it up with him. I really hate conflict and arguing, and if the overwhelming opinion had been that I was overreacting, I probably would have tried to adjust my thinking and see it from his perspective instead. That approach has honestly helped me let things go in the past.
Show quote history
You sound like you're very used to doing mental gymnastics to keep the peace instead of being authentic to your own thoughts and emotions.
Has this been a theme throughout your marriage or something you've learnt from childhood? Or perhaps both if you're conflict avoidant.
You are allowed a voice and an opinion and it's just as valid as anyone else in your family. Being a doormat to others isn't healthy either. Avoiding the argument is not healthy in the long run, it just means resentment will fester. Also stating your opinion doesn't have to be an argument. Saying how you feel doesn't have to be confrontational.
If in the past simply saying how you feel has been framed to look like you're being confrontational, then it is not a healthy environment or relationship. As I said, this may have shed light on some deeper issues you really need to reflect on.”

@GotMoxy has nailed it. This with bells on. Most people don’t particularly like confrontation but they will stand up for themselves when needed. It sounds like you have got too used to letting him have his own way. And yes, i think it was totally wrong of him to invite other people on your big holiday without discussing it with you first but he probably assumed you would let him have his way on this.

And he knows you hate conflict so didn't give you an opportunity to play any part in the decision.. What if they in turn invite other people?
Will you still keep quiet?

I would be absolutely furious

I’d be furious and wouldn’t be quiet or calm about. WTAF was he thinking, and to not discuss it all with you? No fucking way would I take that from him. He can uninvite them. Alternatively time to invite your best friend and their family, or a friend who DH can’t stand.

I hope those deposits are refundable.

I'd be absolutely livid, OP. LIVID. I do not understand how anyone wouldn't be.

But that approach wouldn’t work in this case anyway, it’s not a hotel/AI holiday where the children could go off and entertain each other. It’s a safari. There’ll be nowhere for anybody to go! They would basically be spending most of every single day together with very little respite or alone time. If the OP’s husband cannot be away from his best friend for this sort of holiday with his own family then I would question the entire relationship in her shoes.

I'd feel really hurt and I'd tell my dh that. I'd feel like me and the dc weren't enough and he'd rather not be with just usm

they are making decisions with you as an afterthought and using the emotional blackmail of the kids as leverage.

This. I would be VERY concerned about the true nature of their relationship.

Also. You say that…

I probably would have tried to adjust my thinking and see it from his perspective instead. That approach has honestly helped me let things go in the past.

So you are used to pretzeling yourself for his benefit.

And what other things have you let go in the past?

Quite apart from dealing with the holiday issue, you would benefit from talking this over with a therapist. There is clearly a lot more going on and the deep rooted issues are fundamental to your relationship with your husband.

I've done holidays with other couples. They were fun but also incredibly stressful. No matter how much you try to be independent of each other, you end up making lots of concessions out of politeness and it does take the edge off.

So I'd be pretty upset if a partner did that to me.

I recently had the idea of inviting my sister and her family to join us on holiday. It was a very ordinary holiday, somewhere we'd been before, DH has known my sister for over 20 years and loves her, we get on very well and still there is no way I'd have invited her without checking with DH first and being very very certain he was ok with it. If he'd said no, then that would have been it. As it happened he was very happy to invite her and we had a great time.

To me, your DH's behaviour seems way, way out of bounds. It is so disrespectful and just plain mean to change your big trip in such a fundamental way without even running it by you. I'd find that very hard to forgive, even if I adored the person and was totally ok with them coming.

Firstly you should not be feeling guilty or questioning yourself. He presented this as a done deal because he knew it was something you would say no to. He’s using the children to guilt trip you to say they’ll have a better time. He doesn’t want it to just be the four of you. I wouldn’t want my husbands best friend to be a woman. You are not wrong to feel bitterly disappointed. What you were excited about and looking forward to has been pulled away from you.

In your position I would tell DH that it’s a special holiday and it’s just the four of you and he needs to tell his best friend and her husband that it’s not a group trip and suggest something else you can all do together. If he resists this and doesn’t immediately apologise, realise he’s been a thoughtless pig and promise not to do things like that without discussing it with you again then I would be looking deeper into issues within your marriage.

That’s a bit much, you don’t know this man, it’s highly likely it was spur of the moment.

I completely trust him.

and yet here you are. Seemingly very much taken by surprise but his behaviour.

Guess we will never know how you responded

You’re missing the potential here. This could be the most special holiday and could create deep links between the kids. Go for it. It’ll be all the more special

Put your foot down and let your DH wriggle out of the mess he's got himself into with your friends.
He needs to deal with the consequences so stick to your guns.

Again, thank you all for taking the time to respond. I genuinely didn’t expect so many replies and it has helped me look at things a bit more calmly.

I know my husband wouldn’t deliberately want to upset me, and I also know just how much he enjoys the company of his friend. From his perspective, this probably felt like a win-win situation — amazing holiday plus getting to share it with people he loves spending time with. I honestly think he probably assumed I’d be pleased about it too.

I am going to talk it through with him properly so that at least he understands why I’ve felt hurt and blindsided by it all. I think that’s important, even if nothing ultimately changes.

Realistically, I doubt he would uninvite them even if I asked, because neither of us would want to damage the long lasting friendship over this.

First post and every other nails it. Even if you were happy with the other family going, he shouldn't have invited them without asking you. After all, if you wanted them to come you would have suggested it yourself!

How would he react if you said "Great idea! More the merrier! I've invited my mum/sister/friend with wild out of control kids he always moans about and DH he dislikes - too!"

Why are you worried about sounding ungrateful? Why should you feel grateful to him, exactly, given you'll be paying for most of it (and sounds like you're doing a lot of the planning too!)